I used to listen to Doc L. Been a long time, though.
I’m just trying to figure out all of this, how do I approach all of this? Do I present counselling as an option first? Do I issue ultimatums?
Ideally, what I want, is for her to make the choice. I don’t want to demand that she do anything. After all, if it’s not her choice, what good is it? I just need to be able to present my case in a very firm, non-threatening manner. (I’m still new to this assertiveness thing.)
If you want to know that SHE wants to work on the marriage, an ultimatum will backfire. If she takes action then, it will be because she felt threatened. Not a good way to start down the road of reconnecting.
You can tell her how YOU feel. Not how she makes you feel, but how you feel. “When I think about you spending time with XYZ instead of talking to me, I feel ABC”, and so on. You can tell her you’re seeking help in counseling and that you’d like it if she would join you or seek counseling on her own. You can ask her how she thinks you SHOULD be reacting, given how you just told her you feel. You can tell her you see that this relationship is really damaging your marriage. She may not agree. You can ask her what she DOES think is damaging the marriage, then, because it’s clrea something is not right. Maybe she’ll have some enlightening things to say.
In short, tell the truth, and don’t act angrily, threaten, or give ultimatums.
ALSO…remember that this is not a race against time. Don’t feel like you have to act or get action out of her right away. Recovery doesn’t work that way.
There is a book I suggest a lot, “Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends” by Bruce Fisher. It’s for people who are divorced, but the chapter on TRANSITION may be helpful to spouses of people having EAs. Here’s what I posted on a group I belong to about the chapter:
"Some of you know I’m divorced and have been in counseling for a couple of months. My counselor has me working through a great, older book called “Rebuilding: When your relationship ends” by Bruce Fisher.
Until now, I haven’t suggested it because it deals mostly with post-divorce issues. But I want to suggest that those of you in marriages dealing with an emotional affair might pick up a copy and read the chapter on “Transition”. It lays out the best explanation of WHY emotional affairs happen that I have read to date. It also offers some great insights into what might be going on in your spouse’s mind at the time of the “affair” and some tips for getting through it with the relationship intact.
To summarize what Fisher says, many spouses who are trying to deal with issues from their families of origin may go into a normal rebellion stage (think teenager) at an unexpected time. Part of this rebellion leads then to get away from their spouse, especially if the spouse is a caretaker type or over-responsible (like I am/was…and my ex was probably lead to marry me because I was over-responsible and allowed him to be unresponsible for a lot of things…because of some issues in his family). The rebellious spouse then forms a deep relationship with an outside party, hurting the “parenting” spouse…but, ironically, often the new “friend” is ALSO a parenting type and the cycle starts over again. (I can clearly see this is what happened in the case of my ex.)
Fisher’s biggest advice for dealing with this: realize what might be going on in your spouse’s head and STOP EXPECTING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS TO COME FROM THE SPOUSE. Get fulfillment from your own life, work, friends, family, and activities. I’m amazed and so proud of the members of this board who I’ve heard saying this for a year now…
I feel like Bruce Fisher must have been following me around for years and taking notes. The book can be hard to find, try Amazon or Barnes and Noble online. I also have seen a few on Paperback Swap where I am a member."
