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cecilia97
Guest
Yes, I agree. Telling the wife doesn’t solve or improve anything…it just involves more people in the mess and takes the focus off Rascal’s marriage where it needs to be.
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CindyC
Guest
Actually, marriagebuilders counsels to tell everyone about the affair, including the other betrayed spouse. Affairs thrive in secret – that’s what makes them exciting. Expose it. There was not a betrayed husband in my situation, but I was getting ready to tell the other woman’s parents.
I don’t know the “conventional wisdom” in confronting the other man. I think you do need to tell this man to leave your wife alone! You love her, you have a life together, you want her back.
As for finding your old self…it’s something you both need to do. It’s time you do something nice for yourself. Grab a cup of coffee, read a book, take up an old hobby. You need to take care of yourself. Are you seeing a counselor? You need lots of support during this time – you need someone in your corner.
I don’t know the “conventional wisdom” in confronting the other man. I think you do need to tell this man to leave your wife alone! You love her, you have a life together, you want her back.
As for finding your old self…it’s something you both need to do. It’s time you do something nice for yourself. Grab a cup of coffee, read a book, take up an old hobby. You need to take care of yourself. Are you seeing a counselor? You need lots of support during this time – you need someone in your corner.
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Viola
Guest
Yes it can if there is repentance and forgiveness. Both of you need to desire this and then God’s grace can help you work it out. It isn’t easy to forgive this kind of sin in a marriage, but it can be done and then a greater love for each other can happen with God’s help.
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scott1228
Guest
RJ:
No offense to any of the well intentioned posters here, but at this point, I would recommend that you take advice from those that have experienced infidelity first hand, which is one of the reasons I recommended www.marriagebuilders.com
The reason for this is because several things that many have found to be successful are counter-intuitive, but they work nonetheless.
Yes, your self-esteem will take a toll. It is hard, but you need to slowly begin to invest in the GAL program (Get A Life). Do the things that make you happy (I am talking about healthy things, such as running, tennis, basketball, concerts, whatever the case may be), keep going to church and praying, and continue to find support from others.
Best wishes,
No offense to any of the well intentioned posters here, but at this point, I would recommend that you take advice from those that have experienced infidelity first hand, which is one of the reasons I recommended www.marriagebuilders.com
The reason for this is because several things that many have found to be successful are counter-intuitive, but they work nonetheless.
Yes, your self-esteem will take a toll. It is hard, but you need to slowly begin to invest in the GAL program (Get A Life). Do the things that make you happy (I am talking about healthy things, such as running, tennis, basketball, concerts, whatever the case may be), keep going to church and praying, and continue to find support from others.
Best wishes,
R
RascalJones
Guest
Thing is. I don’t think he’s actively DOING anything (other than buying her gifts). She’s the one that is continuing to keep contact. I just went through the cell phone records for the past year. Calls to and from his home number stopped in June…until one in November and two in January when she called him.
However, early in the year, there were 21 calls to the work number, and I can account for most of those, as she was called in to work before the calls to and from his home started, and one was a call to check her schedule when we got back from vacation.
AFTER that call, there was one in August that COULD have been a schedule check, but not sure, and a TOTAL of 31 calls in 6 months.
Starting in late September, there are phone calls to work every Friday except 2 from Sept 28-Nov 23. All between the hours of 10 AM and 1 PM, even on days when I know she was in the store the night before, or was in the store THAT morning, or would be there THAT night.
Calls from her cell to work when I KNOW she was at home. Why’d she use her cell? I can TRACK that, I can’t track the home #.
There are no call TO her cell phone from his # or work. Nor any “unknowns”.
However, early in the year, there were 21 calls to the work number, and I can account for most of those, as she was called in to work before the calls to and from his home started, and one was a call to check her schedule when we got back from vacation.
AFTER that call, there was one in August that COULD have been a schedule check, but not sure, and a TOTAL of 31 calls in 6 months.
Starting in late September, there are phone calls to work every Friday except 2 from Sept 28-Nov 23. All between the hours of 10 AM and 1 PM, even on days when I know she was in the store the night before, or was in the store THAT morning, or would be there THAT night.
Calls from her cell to work when I KNOW she was at home. Why’d she use her cell? I can TRACK that, I can’t track the home #.
There are no call TO her cell phone from his # or work. Nor any “unknowns”.
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CindyC
Guest
Oh yes, it is very counter-intuitive, but it works. Even if I wanted to throw him out of the house, I made myself do one small nice thing for him. Even if it was to make dinner. Then I noticed he would do something nice for me. Those are the steps you need to find your way to each other again. The betrayed spouse needs to be very strong – this stuff is not for wimps.
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iamrefreshed
Guest
This is excellent advice. I wish I didn’t qualify.
I agree with the marriagebuilders model. Affairs thrive in secrecy, expose them. Call her parents and the OM’s wife.
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RascalJones
Guest
If I contact her parents, I feel like any gestures she makes toward me are coerced. I don’t want someone to have to be coerced to be with me and keep their marital promises.
If I contact OM’s wife, should I call or should I show up at their house when I know he’s at work, and she may be home? I can give her my evidence in person.
If I contact OM’s wife, should I call or should I show up at their house when I know he’s at work, and she may be home? I can give her my evidence in person.
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CindyC
Guest
I understand your feelings. I had the same feelings in the beginning. I am not fighting for him. If someone else wants him, fine! But I realized he wasn’t really thinking clearly.
And your wife isn’t, either. You need to help her find herself again. I did tell his parents, but only because his dad did the same thing the previous year! And the support from my MIL was invaluable. It took me awhile to get up the nerve to tell the OW’s parents, but I was ready to do it when the affair finally ended.
I have to go back and read this thread. You know there are phone calls. Do you know for sure that she has not met him?
And your wife isn’t, either. You need to help her find herself again. I did tell his parents, but only because his dad did the same thing the previous year! And the support from my MIL was invaluable. It took me awhile to get up the nerve to tell the OW’s parents, but I was ready to do it when the affair finally ended.
I have to go back and read this thread. You know there are phone calls. Do you know for sure that she has not met him?
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kage_ar
Guest
Does being persued by one of these office Casinova’s count? How about watching him destroy other marriages? Sadly, many of us have first hand experience.
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JulieAB
Guest
Rascal: God bless you. I have always told my husband and children that trust is the ABSOLULTELY most important thing in any intimate relationship. Good marriages can survive without love as long as there is still the trust. That is why abuse is so harmful in a relationship. Respect comes with trust. Unfortunately, as long as they continue to see each other at work or communicate, there will always be that tiny little sniggle of doubt…which is definitely not conducive to trust.
Just remember; if you are a recovering alcoholic, you don’t go work as a bartender! If it is your stumbling block, you don’t tempt God and put yourself into the occasion of sin!
Just remember; if you are a recovering alcoholic, you don’t go work as a bartender! If it is your stumbling block, you don’t tempt God and put yourself into the occasion of sin!
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iamrefreshed
Guest
Not to discount your experience but being the betrayed spouse is vastly different. The gut wrenching feelings are impossible to describe. You might as well try and describe the taste of a bananna to someone who’s never had one.
Again, I would expose the affair. Affairs thrive on their secret nature.
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scott1228
Guest
Rascal:
CindyC is right! There is a kind of fog that those who betray their spouses go through. On the Marriage Builders web site, they will describe this fog perfectly. You will be amazed at the similarities between the things wayward spouses say.
This fog is a type of temporary insanity. Best way to describe it. It thrives on illusion.
Yes, she is free to leave you. But if she continues an inappropriate relationship, you are free to expose it. The purpose of exposure is not to hurt or seek revenge, but to put the relationship in the light of day, so people can see it for what it is, an empty cancer on the real relationship, which is the marriage.
You have to the right to say,“I want to be married, but if you are going to share a house with me, these are the rules.” In saner times, these rules would be understood by all. In these times, we have to define them, and in some instances, fight for them. One woman I know once told her husband that if he ever hit her, even once, she would leave. That is a good boundary. Now it is time for you to set boundaries with your wife.
With prayers and love, she may come to her senses. But if you just let her walk all over you, that is not love either, and sooner or later, will not come to a good ending.
Best wishes-- i know that this is a tough time.
Scott
CindyC is right! There is a kind of fog that those who betray their spouses go through. On the Marriage Builders web site, they will describe this fog perfectly. You will be amazed at the similarities between the things wayward spouses say.
This fog is a type of temporary insanity. Best way to describe it. It thrives on illusion.
Yes, she is free to leave you. But if she continues an inappropriate relationship, you are free to expose it. The purpose of exposure is not to hurt or seek revenge, but to put the relationship in the light of day, so people can see it for what it is, an empty cancer on the real relationship, which is the marriage.
You have to the right to say,“I want to be married, but if you are going to share a house with me, these are the rules.” In saner times, these rules would be understood by all. In these times, we have to define them, and in some instances, fight for them. One woman I know once told her husband that if he ever hit her, even once, she would leave. That is a good boundary. Now it is time for you to set boundaries with your wife.
With prayers and love, she may come to her senses. But if you just let her walk all over you, that is not love either, and sooner or later, will not come to a good ending.
Best wishes-- i know that this is a tough time.
Scott
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kage_ar
Guest
I am going to say one more thing, then, not join in here as I do not have adequate experience since my husband never cheated on me in our two decades of marriage 
Rely on CATHOLIC sources to save your sacramental CATHOLIC marriage.
Rely on CATHOLIC sources to save your sacramental CATHOLIC marriage.
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rinnie
Guest
I guess i also Rascal cant tell you what is the best to do since i also have never been thru this. I thank God i dont know what i would do. I just know that some of it is normal, But only you know in your heart how you feel. I just hope that she didnt go over the line. Only she knows, All we can all do is pray that she has and will make the right choices. Its so common today, its sad to say. But in the end Rascal you have to do what you feel is right because its you who will suffer the conquences. Just please think before you react. Dont get yourself into any trouble. You can make this alot worse on yourself. you are in my prayers.
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RascalJones
Guest
Where?I am going to say one more thing, then, not join in here as I do not have adequate experience since my husband never cheated on me in our two decades of marriage
Rely on CATHOLIC sources to save your sacramental CATHOLIC marriage.
I went to a priest already…she hasn’t even gone to confession.
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RascalJones
Guest
That’s what I’m trying to avoid. I don’t want to end up divorced, living alone, paying support for someone else’s misconduct.
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rinnie
Guest
Rascal my best advice is still take the time, talk to her. only she can truely tell you whats going on. If it was me i would say first off right off the bat. Do you want to be married and work this out. thats the most important. Then ok lets get our game on. Because bottom line it has to be both of you. And let her know what you want, the life you want. And trust me Rascal if you two get thru this it will be worth it. But she has to do it with you. But put your cards on the table. But have the time to do this. Alone. no one else around.
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RascalJones
Guest
Thank You.
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