I am not sure if this is right place to place, but have a feeling I may get the best answers here. Story is long, so I apologize.
In 2005, after attending WYD and truly being touched by god and the holy spirit, things w/in my marriage deteriored rapidly. I lived in a physically and emotional abusive marriage for 21 yrs and had made a resolution if I was hit again, I was done. I had asked my exH for counceling for over a month, and finally he accused me of having an affair, which I was not, and hit me. My children called the police and things just headed for divorce from there. I contacted and seeked the advice of 3 priests, all in support of my decision. I also sought councel from the youth/music minister w/ whom I was comfortable and close with at the time. The relationship w/ the minister esculated to an adultress affair(emotional not physical) and was brought to the attention of both churches and his family. It was at that point that both churches told me to not go, and never to attend there services again. The MM and myself had no contact and I attended another parish, sought confession from 4 other priests and was told over and over again that until I was willing to stop loving this man, that I was not to attend church, pray, participate in sacriments, etc until such time as I could say I no longer love him, and I would never again comit to any relationship w/ him. I have been struggling w/ this, trying to find my way back since.
About 1 month later, he contacted me to see how I was, since we had always been very close friends first. He was still at both churches in his ministry copacity and attended church weekly. He was seeking counceling and working on his marriage. I did not contact him and contined my soul searching all the while protecting him and his family from the rath of my ex who felt that was why we were getting divorced and threaten to publicly humilate this man and his family.
I had no contact and moved forward until 6 months later when he contacted me again and I realized how very much I still loved him, willing to go the ends of the earth, etc to be with him. He told he loved me, wanted to be with me, etc but still had to give his marriage a chance. We did then have an adultress relationship that spanned 2+ yrs, him always telling me that he was working on how to leave. The relationship again became known to his wife and family and when I told him to make choose, he choose to work on his marriage since they told him he would no longer be able to have contact with his grandson if he didn’t.
I am still lost in where or how to return to god, jesus and the church since I still have such mix feelings about my soulmate. I know in my heart that as the “dust settles” he will be back and I will take him back. That is the sin that I can not let go of and seperates me from the church I love so much. I cry everyday over both of them… even my daughters know how very much this means to who I am, and though there point of view is “if he can go and preach everyweek, why can’t you go? You are dening yourself alone” I can’t see it that way. I am just following the rules and judgments set before me, but don’t know how to make it right. Any help is appreciated… I miss god in my life so much, it is something that I can’t even describe…
O NOT COME BACK To church, pray, receive sacraments… My question is since I am NOT ALLOWED how am I to find the strength or the way back… Have been struggling with this for 2 1/2 yrs… An why is my end of the sin worse then his…Is it cause I am truthful in my heart and because I don’t lie?
