Can I raise a child without a father?

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pitwoozi

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Yesterday i found out that im pregnant with my ex boyfriend. We broke up a few months ago and he’s with someone new now. I think I’m 3 weeks pregnant now, I haven’t gone to the doctor yet. And yes, I conceived the baby after we broke up. I know it’s very stupid.
I told him that I was pregnant and that I might really do this because I’m against abortion. Abortion is a sin. But still, he keeps on pushing me to get abortion. He said that it would only make our lives difficult not only because we’re not dating anymore but also because his father is a Pastor and he that he would only bring shame to his family.
Here’s what I told him. Look. I’m 23. I’m not studying anymore, I have nothing more to lose. I told him that I’m not forcing him to be responsible for this child. He can be involve as much as he wants or not at all and I’m not doing this for us to get back together. But still he won’t listen. He wants to kill this baby!! That made me so angry. Now I’ve decided to raise this baby alone without a single help from him. I won’t talk to him anymore. I won’t even let him near my baby. My only problem now is how I’m going to tell my parents and explain to them that i dont want the “father” to be part of our lives.
 
pitwoozi said:
Here’s what I told him. Look. I’m 23. I’m not studying anymore, I have nothing more to lose. I told him that I’m not forcing him to be responsible for this child. He can be involve as much as he wants or not at all and I’m not doing this for us to get back together. But still he won’t listen. He wants to kill this baby!! That made me so angry. Now I’ve decided to raise this baby alone without a single help from him. I won’t talk to him anymore.
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Well done on making the right decisions and not caving into his pressure to kill your baby.

Are your parents pro life? If so explaining that he wanted you to kill their grandchild may be enough of an explanation.
 
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You and your baby are in my prayers.
Yes, most definitely you can do this, although, as with all things in life, there will be joy and sorrow.
Do you have a relationship with a Parish and a priest as yet?
If not, are you Catholic?
 
The simple answer is “yes, you can”. I have no kids of my own but this world is full of single parents, so depending on your situation, it may be do-able.

Would adoption be an option? You might be able to find a family that would allow you to be part of the child’s life without needing to involve your ex or even having responsibility for the child yourself. I know some people hate the idea of putting their child up for adoption, but the option is there.
 
If your parents are Catholic, they should understand. The sanctity of life should always be preserved. Good on you for standing up for your child! Prayers for you and your baby.
 
RIght now you don’t want him involved and probably with good reason, but it would be smart to go to a lawyer. What if his pastor father decides to take you to court and sue for custody on the grounds that you’re a poor single mother and he as the grandparent would offer a better home? What if he and they sue for joint custody and or visitation rights, or want to keep you living within a specific distance for same? Depending on what state you live in, these are things that can be done, legally. What if there are health issues on his side of the family that you will need to know if they affect your child? Unfortunately in this age you will find that you cannot simply decide ‘on your own’ what you wish to do; you will often have to take legal steps and face legal issues yourself. I certainly do not advocate abortion in any way, but the best way for you to protect yourself and your baby is to make sure you have all your bases covered so you don’t face nasty surprises. God bless.
 
pitwoozi said:
He said that it would only make our lives difficult not only because we’re not dating anymore but also because his father is a Pastor and he that he would only bring shame to his family.
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But if his father ever found out his son killed his grandchild that wouldn’t be shameful? What’s truly shameful are little boys who think they’re men but won’t step up to the plate and accept the responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

I think you’re making the best decision possible, for now. I say “for now” because your child has an inherent biological right to both his mother and his father. Of course if one or both of the parents are abusive (I’d argue wanting to kill the child to be the maximum abuse possible!) then that right cannot be fulfilled despite the fact that the right still exists. I say this in hopes that one day, and soon, this little boy will grow up, realize his foolishness, apologize to you, and want to take an active role in his child’s life. I also hope that if or when that happens you’ll allow him to for the sake of your child.

God bless you for choosing life, and best of luck!
 
Of course you can. Your baby will be lucky to have you as a mother.

I’m sorry he’s treating you this way. But standing up to him and not letting him manipulate you or pressure you is exactly the right thing to do. Make sure you have a good support network around you - family, friends etc. Congratulations on your baby.
 
It sounds like you have your mind made up to keep this baby …well done ! :smiley:Stay strong in what you believe and all will be well.
Yes, as someone said about the father,yours and the baby’s interests are not his priority At Alll.
I’ll pray that your parents love this baby as much as they love you,that they support your decisions fully.
God bless!
 
Not to be a downer, but if you are hoping to get any government assistance, I think you are required give the name of the dad. Because the government will go after the dad for $$ as well. I would read up on this for your state, and look up legal aid or a lawyer in your area.
Once paternity is established, there will be some kind of custody and support arrangements through the courts.
For instance, this says the applicant must cooperate in the established of paternity.

 
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Here’s an idea - try staying away from him until you’re showing. You can tell him I’ll talk to you in 3 months. I don’t want you to pressure me to do something I’ll potentially regret and be tormented by (and maybe even you will be too) for the rest of our earthly lives.

Maybe if he sees you with a pregnant bump he’ll stop bothering you (unless he’s for late term abortion).
 
pitwoozi said:
But still, he keeps on pushing me to get abortion. He said that it would only make our lives difficult not only because we’re not dating anymore but also because his father is a Pastor and he that he would only bring shame to his family.
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Incredibly selfish on his part. Very sad. I wish you all the best…God will bless you for choosing life and raising this child.
 
pitwoozi said:
He said that it would only make our lives difficult not only because we’re not dating anymore but also because his father is a Pastor and he that he would only bring shame to his family.
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That sounds more like it would make his life more difficult. Not yours. You don’t have any shame for bringing a child into the world. That’s not to say you won’t have challenges as a single parent, obviously that is not going to be easy. But neither is raising a child with two parents.
 
That is a tough situation you are in, but you are making the right decision. Can you raise your child without a father? Absolutely. Will it be difficult? Absolutely. Just be honest with your folks and do the right thing to take care of your child as best you can. Hopefully your family, friends, and Church will help you in raising your child in the community of faith.
 
Hugs! I wish you and your baby all the best. 💙💙💙

If you want to pursue child support from him, pursue child support— but in exchange, he gets parental rights, visitation, and as much involvement as he desires. Some men get tired of paying child support, and will try to take custody away from the mom-- not because they love the kid, necessarily, but because it’s the cheaper option for them. Likewise, some grandparents will step in and try to take their grandbaby to give it a better life… than what a young, struggling, single mom can provide… but a lot of that depends on your local courts.

If you want to terminate his parental rights, that also is fine. But that eliminates your ability to request child support from him.

Don’t take his rights away because you don’t love him anymore, but also don’t try to weaponize your baby to make him miserable. Eventually, someday, the kid may well want to attempt a relationship with his dad. Maybe your ex will have matured by then as well, and maybe it will lead to more heartbreak. But you can cross that bridge when you come to it-- and definitely do things through the legal courts.

It sounds like you’re in a good mental place right now. If he’s going to be negative and pressure you, then definitely exclude him from your life until he can give you the kind of support and encouragement you need.

Focus on figuring out your plans for the next nine months. I didn’t like my local hospital-- they were very cookie-cutter about how labor & delivery went, and I wanted stuff that wasn’t on the menu. So I ended up paying out-of-pocket for a midwife and a delivery at a birth center for my two kids. I think they were both about $4k out-of-pocket, and that covered the pregnancy, the birth, and about two or three months postpartum. (Hearing tests, heel sticks, stuff like that.)

Also look into joining a pregnancy forum. There are birth boards full of ladies who are all due in the same month, so it’s really cool to have that kind of community going on— sharing similar milestones as 30 or 40 ladies all due within a few weeks of each other go through the different steps. They’ll be a real source of support and companionship and empathy when things in the real world are frustrating.

I wish you both the best! 💙💙💙
 
Congratulations on your wonderful blessing of a child into your life! 🙂

It will be the greatest source of happiness you will every have in this life.

I’ll keep you and your baby in my daily prayers.
 
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Well, having had to face these problems myself I thought it might be something helpful. I surely would have appreciated knowing possibilities and being able to prepare for them, as would other friends who were blindsided by these things.
 
If it’s not been mentioned already, a very large number of Catholic Churches offer various kinds of material help to mom’s who need various necessary things. Make sure you google it on the internet, or ask someone here online to look for a local ministry in your area to help with these things.
 
I agree with the suggestion that legal counsel may be required.

May I suggest that you consider having him sign a legal document relinquishing his parental rights? He might stop asking you for an abortion if he is “let off the hook.”

Yes, that would make things more expensive for you, since you would not have his financial assistance.

Could it be construed as putting pressure on him? Possibly. That’s why you want it drafted properly: to lock down the reason that you are offering to set him free because he asked you to kill it, therefore, your alternative is in the best interests of the child. (Very important phrase. Lots of officials and courts use it.)

If the father relinquishes his parental rights, it doesn’t apply to the rights and wishes of both sets of grandparents. They would still be able to see their grandchild if you can work it out peaceably.

It also doesn’t negate the possibility that the father will grow up someday and want a relationship with your child. He can petition to have his rights restored when he proves trustworthy.

In the old days, you two would have been forced to marry. I’m not saying the disintegration of the family is a good thing. But if you choose to stay single, you would be free to marry when the right one comes along, someone who loves both you and your child.

I do think both sets of grandparents should rally around you, though. Absolutely. In fact I wonder if the best way for the other grandparents to be notified is with your parents at your side. It makes the discussion an “us” rather than “all of us against some random girl,” which seems to be what the boy-man wants (for now).

God bless you for choosing life! It may not have happened the way you hoped, but your baby is incredibly lucky and blessed to have a mom like you.
 
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Yes, you absolutely can. I know lots of amazing women who have done so. I would not allow this toxic male to pressure you into do something horrible. You are not responsible if his father is ashamed of him. He is. That fits neatly into the bag marked “his problems”. While it may be your wish that this guy not be involved in your life every again, and who would blame you, you should probably see a custody attorney regarding your options prior to the baby’s birth. There is a misconception around that if you agree to no support, you can just banish the man from your life. That isn’t actually how it goes in real life. If “father of the year”, when he accepts that he isn’t getting his way about bumping his kid off, decides he wants visitation, or custody, or whatever parental right, he can file for those things. In many states, his parents may request so many sessions of visitation a year, even if the court finds their son as unfit. (That may turn out to be a blessing though, depending on the kind of people they are.) So, I would be preemptive and save any correspondence from him regarding this baby and seek some legal advice regarding a potential custody case. Catholic Charities in your region or the De Paul Society might be a good place to start if you need free counsel. The main thing is, yes, you can totally do this. There are lots of resources out there for you, and I hope your own family will be a support for you as well.
 
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