Can I raise a child without a father?

[Mary888]

But first go see a doctor to have your pregnancy confirmed and find out other medical advises you need to follow during pregnancy.
You are in my prayers!

 

[Gabika50]

Dig your heels in and get child support so he is fiscally responsable for the baby. The best news that so-called “bio daddies” can hear is " I want nothing to do with him."

 

[Loud-living-dogma]

Any update, OP?

 

[pitwoozi]

Hi! Thank you so much for all your kind words and advices. I went to the doctor and I’m 7weeks pregnant! And also I already told my parents about my current situation and they accepted it. About the father, he won’t change. He will forever hide this child from his family and friends. My baby doesn’t deserve to have a father like that. I’m ready to move on and start this new chapter.

 

[SanRafael1102]

Ideally, a child should have a mother and a father in their life. We do not live in an ideal world. You sound like a brave young woman for choosing life for your child, and I’m sure that you’ll be a great parent!

 

[adgloriam]

Cecilia_Dympna:

In this country at least child support is unrelated to contact. She needs to see a solicitor regarding these issues.

My husband does family law. The scenarios I described come up all the time with his clients. It’s good advice in my state in the US— but if the OP is off in Zimbabwe or Madagascar, of course, I can’t vouch for how pertinent it is.

I always wonder in these threads…The OP said only 3 weeks ago she was in a relationship with the other person, and now all of the sudden it’s a “never again situation”. I don’t think it’s realistic to demand within “3 weeks” that a young man who probably never prepared psychologically for the expectation of parenthood get into the needed mindset alone without reflection and support from his family. Because I’m pretty sure his family would rejoice and him saying otherwise is just an indication of how unrealistic his expectations are.

Also, the typical legal-paranoia mindset kicks-in immediately from all sides with countless posters on the thread suggesting legal precautions without a single poster in the thread suggesting that the young man inform his family and be given some time and if all possible a chance to restart the relationship and start a family.

Because, realistically, they were together only 3 weeks ago…

I am utterly dismayed by the lack of charity in this thread towards the father of the child and family in itself. The OP should be reminded that part of responsibility is also taking responsibility for her share of the relationship she entered into with the young man.

I have to say @midori, if this is the best a catholic community can come up with, then it is the end of charity. I’m afraid should ever my prospective spouse of someone else be advised by a group such as these posters who blatantly forget charity towards the father of the child all together or remember him only as a figure and object of shared hostility.

And I suppose some of what I said should be an indivisible part of being catholic!

P.S. Please, extend my best to your husband in this instance.

 

[midori]

If someone is depicted as actively lobbying for the death of their child, that’s a pretty good way to lose community empathy, no matter how Christian that community may be. Yeah, he’s probably just as scared as anyone else in that situation— but no one’s going to hold their breath and wait for him to work his way through his emotions if that’s the first solution he jumps at. Right now, the empathy is directed towards mother and child— and if the father wants to eventually get with the program, he knows how to repair the relationship to the point where he can be involved. But that stuff happens privately, offline.

We tend to see things through our filters. So when we hear about a dad who doesn’t want to be a dad, and pressures a mom to solve it through abortion, we all think back to people we know who are in similar situations, and how it worked out for them. Sometimes the parents join forces to raise their new life and they all live happily ever after, after working their way through complicated feelings. Other times, the mom allows herself to be pressured, because outside influences convince her that keeping her child will be too complicated.

If it was the dad posting on CAF-- “I got my ex girlfriend pregnant and I’m scared” – you would see a lot of encouragement towards the father to stand up and be a supportive influence in their lives and reassurement that it will all work out okay. But right now, we don’t have the dad posting to CAF, so he’s easy to overlook— because we have no direct influence on his perspective or thought processes.

With the ex-bf being a poisonous influence in the OP’s life at this moment— not wanting anything to do with his child to the point of wanting it killed so he wouldn’t be bothered by it— you bet that the advice is tailored towards, “If that’s where he’s at at this moment in time, he’s not going to be a positive influence, so yes, you can do better without him.” But in reality, relationships are hard things to abandon, and there’s a significant chance the OP will eventually try to reconcile with him… but we don’t know enough about him to know whether there’s a significant chance the ex will grow, mature, and rise to the situation…

But I bet the vast majority of those who responded responded because they know people who have been in similar circumstances, or perhaps even been in that situation themselves. We do terrible things when we’re fearful— and so at this point, the priority is giving the OP the courage to continue regardless of whether her ex gets over his own fears. And indeed, she was able to get her parents’ support, which was a great hurdle. With their support and love, the other details will sort themselves out with time.

 

[adgloriam]

Put simply:

The dominant pressure of pro-choice propaganda has effects. What the young man said sounds more like repeating propaganda than his own reasoning.

No. I don’t think bearing a child is a solo job. Yes, I think it of the upmost urgency the father’s parents be informed directly. Without a doubt, he should be given time.

Some of the legal-paranoia (one poster in particular takes life and morals as a criminal thriller catering to self-righteousness appetite) IS outright dangerous.

And there is no excuse for catholic posters feeding a mindset of excluding the father just 3 weeks after. (In any other setting they’d be feeding that same mindset. - IT IS AGAINST THE FAMILY. Under the guise of something else.)

 

[adgloriam]

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

Cardinal Caffarra explained that Saint John Paul II had commissioned him to plan and establish the Pontifical Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family. At the beginning of this work, the cardinal wrote a letter to Sister Lucia of Fatima through her bishop, since he could not do it directly.

“Inexplicably, since I did not expect a reply, seeing as I had only asked for her prayers, I received a long letter with her signature, which is now in the archives of the Institute,”

@midori @Cecilia_Dympna @0Scarlett_nidiyilii

My heart is with you @pitwoozi, God bless.

 

[Loud-living-dogma]

Now who is being overly dramatic? The OP might be focussing on healthcare, child care, or whether she is possibly considering adoption. I don’t think we need her to feel like she is disappointing Our Lady if she doesn’t reconcile with this young man right now.

 

[JanetF]

RIght now you don’t want him involved and probably with good reason, but it would be smart to go to a lawyer. What if his pastor father decides to take you to court and sue for custody on the grounds that you’re a poor single mother and he as the grandparent would offer a better home?

This is why my first call would be to a lawyer. The “father” will need to give up his parental rights otherwise, your lives will be entwined for the rest of your lives. I’m not saying this to discourage you from keeping the child and raising it, but it’s something you need to be aware of.

 

[PetraG]

You are very early in your pregnancy, but the first order of business is to secure health care for yourself and your unborn baby. You are of course right to decide not to do anything to harm him or her, but go that step further and find out how you ought to be caring for your child. Your physician will (if he or she hasn’t already) be able to explain how to learn what to expect during your pregnancy and how to take care of yourself (outside of the obvious advice to stop smoking or using alcohol or drugs, if you ever have done that).

Realize that no matter what you do, however, that as many as 50% of all pregnancies and about 15%-25% of recognized pregnancies end in spontaneous miscarriage, usually (about 80% of the time) within the first three months. Why do I mention this? I want you to resolve to do your best to take care of your child but NOT to punish yourself if your child doesn’t survive. It happens. If it does, do not blame yourself. That would be so easy to do in your circumstances, but it would be wrong.

The next ten weeks or so are the time to find someone you trust to help you make the decisions in front of you wisely and discretely. That person will help you to decide how and when to tell your parents, whether or not you are going to raise the child yourself or opt for an adoption or how you want to make that decision as times goes on, what sort of support you will have and how you will get it for the remainder of your pregnancy and what sort of help you will need to see to your child’s future regardless of what happens to you. I would suggest that you use that time to know your own mind, realizing that of course you might change it later but at least you will be making informed decisions that you embarked upon without pressure. In the best case, and maybe in your case, your parents are the most likely candidates, but you may feel differently. This is a case to decide who YOU DO trust, not who you OUGHT TO trust. Stick with reality!! No parent should ever leave themselves without it!

When you reach your second trimester, you’ll first of all have more assurance that you actually will go to term. Secondly, if you use the time well, you’ll know your own mind and you’ll feel more ready to share the information with others. When you know your own mind, you’ll be less likely to be swayed or upset by outside pressure. Do realize that someone may guess ahead of time, but that’s OK. You have the right to say you’ll talk about it when you are ready. Do that for yourself.

 

[Allegra]

Dang! I got chastised upthread for advising the OP to deal with potential legal issues proactively and you went right for, “Just so you know, your baby might spontaneously die.” Remind me not to invite you to the baby shower!

 

[minux]

My goodness, yes, you can absolutely raise a wonderful child to grow into an exemplar man or woman! Find some good godparents who will, truly and honestly, be there for your child’s spiritual welfare. Any godparent needs to take that role seriously and not view it as a checkbox. Talk to your Parish Priest about this. Your Parish should step in and help wherever needed. We are all here for you! You are never in this alone!

 

[PetraG]

Dang! I got chastised upthread for advising the OP to deal with potential legal issues proactively and you went right for, “Just so you know, your baby might spontaneously die.” Remind me not to invite you to the baby shower!

Usually I would agree, but this isn’t quite a “baby shower” thread, and there is a reason that baby showers aren’t held during the first trimester. Still, I ought to explain why I’d bring up such a dark possibility as the chances of losing a child during pregnancy.
When a mother is ambiguous about a pregnancy and it doesn’t end well, she often punishes herself for something that is not in any way her fault. This mother is obviously ambiguous. She should know that she shouldn’t feel ashamed or as if she is a bad mother if she has a wait-and-see attitude about who she tells about her pregnancy. It is her information and she should not feel pressured to tell anyone right away. No, right now she only needs to do her best to take care of herself and her baby. Involving other people is something that can wait. (And let’s face it, some of us who have been through a miscarriage or knew someone who had often choose not to tell anyone about our pregnancies until after week 13. New moms don’t usually know that.) If she were to lose the baby–and no, she probably will not!–it is also her choice to choose who she wants to help her through that. Either way, I would stress that neither one is something to go through alone. It is sad that her child’s father refuses to be that person, but fortunately the world is full of other people who will support her as a mother.
Yes, at some point in her pregnancy she would be wise to get legal advice, if she can afford it. Honestly, I would go to Catholic Charities at some point, because they will be able to help her locate the services that are available to her in her particular situation.

 

[goout]

Yesterday i found out that im pregnant with my ex boyfriend. We broke up a few months ago and he’s with someone new now. I think I’m 3 weeks pregnant now, I haven’t gone to the doctor yet. And yes, I conceived the baby after we broke up. I know it’s very stupid.
I told him that I was pregnant and that I might really do this because I’m against abortion. Abortion is a sin. But still, he keeps on pushing me to get abortion. He said that it would only make our lives difficult not only because we’re not dating anymore but also because his father is a Pastor and he that he would only bring shame to his family.
Here’s what I told him. Look. I’m 23. I’m not studying anymore, I have nothing more to lose. I told him that I’m not forcing him to be responsible for this child. He can be involve as much as he wants or not at all and I’m not doing this for us to get back together. But still he won’t listen. He wants to kill this baby!! That made me so angry. Now I’ve decided to raise this baby alone without a single help from him. I won’t talk to him anymore. I won’t even let him near my baby. My only problem now is how I’m going to tell my parents and explain to them that i dont want the “father” to be part of our lives.

I fathered a daughter 30 years ago out of wedlock, and abortion was considered and actually was encouraged.
The birth of a child is fearsome occasion and awakens a sense of responsibility that can seem overwhelming. Fight or flight reflexes tell us to get rid of this cry for responsibility, or it will overwhelm and destroy us.

But that’s a lie. The child who makes this cry will become a joy in your life. And when those who don’t support you come to know this child, the child’s life will enrich them and they will change their minds about it.

The life of this child will transcend the difficulties you will face. My daughter is 30 years old and manages an HR department at a hospital.

She has helped drug addicts get clean and find work.
She has found physicians work, and they are saving people’s lives.
She has helped at-risk youth come to terms with their broken circumstances and find their worth.

She is able to do all this because her broken circumstances are redeemed and are a gift. And your child is that gift who will enrich your life and the lives of those who come to know her.

 

[goout]

One other thing that is a reality check:
It is near impossible to exclude a parent from the life of a child. A parent can be utterly lacking in virtue or other positive qualities, and still the courts will not want to exclude the parent from the child’s life.

If support is involved, good luck. If the father is like most, visitation may be seen as a reward for child support.

If you really don’t want the father involved, you are best to walk away and not have any legal entanglements. Even then, the father may change his mind about seeing his child. This frequently happens when a father finds another woman and the woman uncovers a sense of responsibility for the child. Or he may have another child and hold it, and begin to wonder about the child he neglected.

People change. Children do that for parents. It’s their gift to us. Hard hearted and callous people change. So if this father ends up involved in the child’s life, it’s not the end of the world. And it might be better for your child, and that’s the only thing that matters.

 

[Allegra]

I have to disagree. Most new mothers are obsessively aware of all of the millions of things that could possible go wrong with their pregnancy and don’t generally need reminding of it. That’s what the internet is for. Making mother’s go insane with worry. Assuring someone who has lost a baby that it wasn’t their fault is one thing, but it’s sort of weird to preemptively tell a woman that her child’s demise is statistically probably and not her fault when the baby is not only still alive, but showing no signs of distress or risk. As if there’s not enough in the world for a new mom to be anxious about!

 

[PetraG]

I have to disagree. Most new mothers are obsessively aware of all of the millions of things that could possible go wrong with their pregnancy and don’t generally need reminding of it. That’s what the internet is for. Making mother’s go insane with worry. Assuring someone who has lost a baby that it wasn’t their fault is one thing, but it’s sort of weird to preemptively tell a woman that her child’s demise is statistically probably and not her fault when the baby is not only still alive, but showing no signs of distress or risk. As if there’s not enough in the world for a new mom to be anxious about!

No, no, you don’t understand, and thank you for allowing me to clarify. I wasn’t suggesting that she didn’t know a miscarriage was possible. Of course she does.

I was suggesting that she not blame her ambivalence for that misfortune or any other misfortune that might happen. That is not why miscarriages happen, but it is often what ambivalent moms do to themselves afterwards, which only compounds the tragedy of it. No matter what happens, she’s a mother–period!–and she deserves all the support through the good and support through the bad that any mother does. It can be very hard for an ambivalent mother or an unwed mother to accept that she’s not different from a married mother who is thrilled to be pregnant, but it is even more important that she does accept that she’s a mother who deserves all the love and support and acceptance for the inevitable ups and downs of her emotions that any mother does.

She deserves to stop punishing herself, to stop opening her story with things like “I know it’s very stupid.” She’s going to be a mother, and she needs to know she deserves all the support that any mother does, that she’ll go through all the emotions that any mother does, and she does not deserve to be laden down with baggage about how she came to be a mother or the choices she makes going forward. That does not matter. She is accepting the duty to protect her child and to look out for her child’s welfare, even though it is not ever 100% in any parent’s control and regardless of the ups and downs of her feelings or the personal cost that comes from how those who ought to be supporting her have failed her so far. That is all that matters, and she deserves all the support in the world for that.

 

[pitwoozi]

Hi everyone! Thanks again for all your support and prayers. I’m 10weeks pregnant now. I have to say that this isn’t easy, there are still times where I think about the father and the what ifs. But I know that it doesn’t matter and I should just focus on this baby.

As for the father, I don’t know what to do yet. He seems to be excited about the baby now. But I can’t really tell if he’s really being supportive or he’s just trying to make his self feel less bad, knowing how selfish he can be. I can’t trust him yet. I mean, he still hasn’t told his parents. And to be honest, I would like it if he would tell his parents about this… I just dont want to think anymore at this point.

Once again, thankyou everyone!