Can I raise this child if I'm not the father?

[PaulGH]

Just other points to consider - the biological father of this child has legal rights. He also has a moral right to know that a child of his exists. Does your wife know how to contact him and inform him? If so, what if he wants to be a part of this child’s life? If he is not willing to terminate his parental rights are you going to be okay with him having visitation or having the child for the weekend and/or paying child support?

I see no reason to say anything to the biological father. Bringing him into the situation will only cause additional pain, and reopen wounds. This child has been entrusted by God to the OP and his wife, because they are united in marriage, regardless of what deviation from God’s plan may have been involved in the child’s conception.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

God has given you such amazing strength, you should continue to pray, and remember, the devil sees this as a great opportunity to conquer your soul, don’t let him win, he will deceive you with lies and will try to get you to think of divorce and abortion, as far as raising the child, I don’t know, I’m not sure if it would be fair to to put the child in a foster home, every child deserves to have a loving and caring father and mother, regardless of how they came into the world. All things are possible with God (Matthew 19:26)

I’m trying my hardest to expel those sinful thoughts from my mind. My wife and I need to continue praying together if we’re to find the answer hidden underneath our fears. I don’t blame the child for how it was created. We’re all related in god’s eyes, and I need to incorporate that truth into my life.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

Just to mention, the reason I know that is because I had been too cheated in the past, I was deeply hurt by my first husband and I had to do a massive work of forgiveness (so believe me…I know how hard it is). In my case I had to leave him because on top of that he was violent so there was a point where my life was in danger. But from experience I do know that sometimes you think you forgave and something comes up and just shows there is more forgiveness and healing to be done. Always remember that by forgiving her you are freeing your own self. If you don’t fully forgive you will always be chained by the past living in the pain of the past. If you remain attached to the pain of the past you will never live happily on the present. Again it is hard but it is doable of you put the effort. It is great that you realize you still have more forgiveness to do as that is the first step. Keep the faith and the prayers. With God you can do it and God has the power to turn all this for the best.

It pains me to hear of the suffering of others. I’m terribly sorry for what you’ve had to go through with your past relationship struggles. You’re truly blessed to come as far as you have with God’s love in your heart. I’m inspired to work through those issues which have pained myself and my marriage. I know it will take a lot of work, but I am willing to go through it.

 

[marymary1975]

That isn’t the case in every state in the US. Add to that he can also be legally divorced and prove adultery before the child is even born and he should really consult a lawyer before he makes any rash decisions. I say that even if he makes the decision to forgive his wife. I know that I would attempt to get child support payments from the baby daddy if it were me.

No, that is the case in every State in the US, I know because I am a lawyer myself and I did domestic law for quite some time. There may be some exceptions in the UPA but he is not under any exception. The biological father right now has no rights/tesponsabilities. The bio father would have to file suit to overcome the presumption and again justbecause that the bbiodad files suit does not mean the court will grant biodad rights. There are things like the best interest of the child to be considered.

Also, a divorce for fault grounds which is what you are suggesting takes a ridiculously long period if time. A divorce for irreconcilable differences can take easily up to a year ( and that with a lot of agreement between the parties) so it is not realistic to say that he can prove adultery before the child is born. Getting divorced under adultery grounds is not getting to the judge and say he she had an affair because she told me she got an affair. It is a very long process that usually takes years and years.

Second, proving adultery is extremely difficult. No lawyer files a divorce under adultery unless there is tangible evidence (like pictures) as the burden is on him to prove adultery and the burden of proof is extremely difficult to meet. It would take and extremely long amount of time, it takes a lot (and I mean a lot…in the thousands) of money and in the end is not worthwhile so no reasonable lawyer would recommend a ground of adultery for divorce little less when you can use irreconcilable differences and get basically the same result with half of the money.

He himself in his current situation cannot get child support from the guy unless he incurrs into lying, deceiving or using improper tactics.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

If you have fertility issues, your reaction may not be solely based on your wife’s actions but also on that issue, altho obviously your wife’s infidelity is a huge part of the problem.

If i’m being honest, then yes, I must admit that my infertility is another big factor to this anger. It hurts to realize that another man conceived with my wife because I couldn’t.

I can see how you would feel… the one thing is I think with all the mixed-race families out there that only really rude people would ask, and then you could either be a little huffy to block them or just say sometimes family genes pop up unexpectedly, which would protect your wife. Your wife might need to tell some people who are closer to you, like your parents and in-laws.

I can’t even think about my parents right now. I don’t know how I’ll be able to tell them about this.

Yes, I agree that you have a lot of praying to do; I will pray for you and your family too.

Thank you so much.

 

[EmeraldOak]

I am grateful that there are lawyers here to clarify and explain the legal side. I was incorrect in thinking the bio father had legal rights, I apologize.

 

[MrsR]

Please dont assume the child is not yours---- discuss the pros and cons of a paternity test with your spouse.

from what you have said I know there us a high chance you are not the biological father but keep the above in mind. I’m assuming you know that if your wife Is 9 weeks pregnant then she conceived 6-7 weeks ago depending on her cycle not 9 weeks?

praying for the best outcome for you, your wife and the baby who despite the situation is still a beautiful miracle! and remember almost anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a daddy God bless.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Bob and Audrey Meisner have gone through the very same thing and have through the other side, marriage intact, and are continuing to raise their family together. Audrey had an affair with a man of another race and it is obvious that the child was not Bob’s, but with solid Christian counselling and with the grace of God, Bob was able to overcome this. Please consider their story and how it became a witness to God’s faithfulness in our fallen world, our sinfulness, our brokenness, and how He can restore and strengthen in the midst of it all…

cbn.com/700club/features/amazing/JRC17_Bob_Audrey_Meisner.aspx

 

[marymary1975]

And again to clarify, I am giving the general concepts that are present in all jurisdiction. Now, most jurisdictions (depending of the state as some may be more restrictive others may be more loose) the biofather himself (not the OP) if he finds out, may have seen rights. The biofather may be able to go to court and rebut the presumption. Now on that sense maybe the wife may want to talk to a lawyer to find out what the biofather can do if he finds out. But for the husband of the woman to go after the biofather to get child support, no that is not possible nowhere in the US, neither getting a divorce under adultery is as easy as most people think.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

Just other points to consider - the biological father of this child has legal rights. He also has a moral right to know that a child of his exists. Does your wife know how to contact him and inform him? If so, what if he wants to be a part of this child’s life? If he is not willing to terminate his parental rights are you going to be okay with him having visitation or having the child for the weekend and/or paying child support?

Unfortunately, no, my wife doesn’t have any contact information about the biological father. She only remembers his first name and what he partially looks like. To be honest, I don’t know how I would handle the situation if he did return and ask to be part of the child’s life. I feel so much anger towards this person, but if he were legitimately trying to be there for his child, I have no right to interfere. However, that would definitely put a huge strain on my marriage.

 

[marbleartist]

God has given you such amazing strength, you should continue to pray, and remember, the devil sees this as a great opportunity to conquer your soul, don’t let him win, he will deceive you with lies and will try to get you to think of divorce and abortion, as far as raising the child, I don’t know, I’m not sure if it would be fair to to put the child in a foster home, every child deserves to have a loving and caring father and mother, regardless of how they came into the world. All things are possible with God (Matthew 19:26)

Just to address this comment about “foster care”- no one is recommending it! Foster care is NOT adoption. An adopted child has a mother and father who want it very much, have prayed for a child and love it unconditionally. Foster care is for a child who is living in an abusive or unhappy situation- it is temporary and is usually a placement by child protective services.
Also, as a nurse, I’m concerned for you, your wife and your child! Your wife had unprotected sex with a random man at a bar. Have you been tested for STD’s and HIV? There is certainly a possibility that she may have contracted a disease that will be harmful or fatal to the baby or you. HIV has a 6 month window- so you all will need a second test even if the first is negative. I will pray for all three of you during this difficult time!’

 

[Thomasbelby27]

from what you have said I know there us a high chance you are not the biological father but keep the above in mind. I’m assuming you know that if your wife Is 9 weeks pregnant then she conceived 6-7 weeks ago depending on her cycle not 9 weeks?

Yes, the doctor informed us of the estimated timing of conception.

praying for the best outcome for you, your wife and the baby who despite the situation is still a beautiful miracle! and remember almost anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a daddy God bless.

Thank you for putting it that way. I really appreciate it.

 

[haedron]

I have nothing helpful to add, but just wanted to commend you on your ability to forgive your spouse, much less consider raising this child.

Personally, I would never be able to live with the betrayal. I’d like to think I could forgive my spouse, but I know that I would never be able to trust her again.

Kudos to you, you’re a better man than I.

 

[PaulGH]

Unfortunately, no, my wife doesn’t have any contact information about the biological father. She only remembers his first name and what he partially looks like.

I wouldn’t say that this is unfortunate. I would view this as a blessing. As bad as this situation is, it could be even worse – imagine if the man she had cheated with had been one of your friends, or your cousin, or your brother! The fact that you have no information about this guy should hopefully make it a little easier to leave the past behind.

 

[GenerationHV]

from what you have said I know there us a high chance you are not the biological father but keep the above in mind. I’m assuming you know that if your wife Is 9 weeks pregnant then she conceived 6-7 weeks ago depending on her cycle not 9 weeks?

I was hoping someone would make this point.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

Bob and Audrey Meisner have gone through the very same thing and have through the other side, marriage intact, and are continuing to raise their family together. Audrey had an affair with a man of another race and it is obvious that the child was not Bob’s, but with solid Christian counselling and with the grace of God, Bob was able to overcome this. Please consider their story and how it became a witness to God’s faithfulness in our fallen world, our sinfulness, our brokenness, and how He can restore and strengthen in the midst of it all…

cbn.com/700club/features/amazing/JRC17_Bob_Audrey_Meisner.aspx

Wow, what a touching story. Thank you for posting this. To think that this married couple already had 3 children, yet they accepted this 4th into their lives. They’re truly blessed to have gotten over such a huge wall in their relationship.

Watching that video has been very helpful in easing my mind on this matter. I’m happy to know that someone in the same position has gotten through it so well.

 

[PennyinCanada]

My best wishes that you too can get through this difficult time too.
May God strengthen and bless you today, may you always turn to him in struggle and difficulties, and myself as well!

 

[Cojuanco]

Just other points to consider - the biological father of this child has legal rights. He also has a moral right to know that a child of his exists. Does your wife know how to contact him and inform him? If so, what if he wants to be a part of this child’s life? If he is not willing to terminate his parental rights are you going to be okay with him having visitation or having the child for the weekend and/or paying child support?

I am very sorry for all you are going through. I do believe most definitely that yes, you can love a child that is not biologically yours. Just search within yourself and consider whether you can have this man potentially be an ongoing part of you & your wife & child’s life should he so desire.

Depends on the jurisdiction. Under common law unless the “true” father initiates suit the law presumes all children of a married woman were the children of the husband. As far as the law is concerned this child would be a legitimate child born in wedlock.

 

[ccmcmg]

God bless you, and may He keep you and your wife, as well as your child.

My only comment to add is this: in thinking of the child and his future, please do attempt to find the biological father, even if the choice is made not to tell him of the child. Find his last name and information about him, so that you could find him again in the future if you have to (what if you child needed an organ donor and only a bio-relative could provide it? Or a grandchild?)/

As an adoptee/adult child of adoption, genetics may very much matter to your child, especially for future health issues. As well, if the child is indeed biologically the other man’s, the child does need to know about that side of the family. Facts almost always trump unanswered questions/myths/questions, even when the answers aren’t what we expect or want. Someday, your child will appreciate those answers, if not for himself, but for his own children, your grandchildren. My sister is bi-racial and raised in our Caucasian family; it isn’t easy, no matter how awesome of a family you are.

Again, may St. Joseph assist you in your trials.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

And again to clarify, I am giving the general concepts that are present in all jurisdiction. Now, most jurisdictions (depending of the state as some may be more restrictive others may be more loose) the biofather himself (not the OP) if he finds out, may have seen rights. The biofather may be able to go to court and rebut the presumption. Now on that sense maybe the wife may want to talk to a lawyer to find out what the biofather can do if he finds out. But for the husband of the woman to go after the biofather to get child support, no that is not possible nowhere in the US, neither getting a divorce under adultery is as easy as most people think.

This is a very accurate description of the legal process in this matter. It’s unlikely that the biological father would obtain custody, though visitation might be possible.