Can I raise this child if I'm not the father?

[Thomasbelby27]

Also, as a nurse, I’m concerned for you, your wife and your child! Your wife had unprotected sex with a random man at a bar. Have you been tested for STD’s and HIV? There is certainly a possibility that she may have contracted a disease that will be harmful or fatal to the baby or you. HIV has a 6 month window- so you all will need a second test even if the first is negative. I will pray for all three of you during this difficult time!’

That was one of our earliest concerns, and yes, while the rapid test proved negative, it’s way too early to know for sure. All we can do is wait for the 3rd month appointment. I’m praying that it doesn’t become another factor in this situation. I’m doubtful it will be, based on the initial tests, but we can’t know for sure. Thank you for your advice.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

I have nothing helpful to add, but just wanted to commend you on your ability to forgive your spouse, much less consider raising this child.

Personally, I would never be able to live with the betrayal. I’d like to think I could forgive my spouse, but I know that I would never be able to trust her again.

Kudos to you, you’re a better man than I.

Trust is something that my wife and I managed to regain relatively quickly. I know that what happened was a one time accident, and she has begged for forgiveness repeatedly. What happened will never happen again if our love in each other is unwavering.

marymary1975 has brought to my attention that forgiveness is something I’m still struggling with. When I look at my wife, or am reminded of the baby, sometimes the imagined image of the father enters my mind, and I feel anger. I have to let go of this anger. If not for myself, then for well being of my marriage and this baby.

I will be arriving home today. When I get there, she and I have planned a long, open talk about all of these issues. I intend to let her know all of my feelings on this matter, and am anxious to hear all of hers.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[ccmcmg]

Trust is something that my wife and I managed to regain relatively quickly. I know that what happened was a one time accident, and she has begged for forgiveness repeatedly. What happened will never happen again if our love in each other is unwavering.

marymary1975 has brought to my attention that forgiveness is something I’m still struggling with. When I look at my wife, or am reminded of the baby, sometimes the imagined image of the father enters my mind, and I feel anger. I have to let go of this anger. If not for myself, then for well being of my marriage and this baby.

I will be arriving home today. When I get there, she and I have planned a long, open talk about all of these issues. I intend to let her know all of my feelings on this matter, and am anxious to hear all of hers.

Thank you for your kind words.

I’m very impressed by your love for your wife, your own thoughts and your wanting to forgive her and move forward. In the coming days, months and years, remember that forgiveness is an ‘act’, not a feeling. Anger is a feeling.

God bless all of you.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

I wouldn’t say that this is unfortunate. I would view this as a blessing. As bad as this situation is, it could be even worse – imagine if the man she had cheated with had been one of your friends, or your cousin, or your brother! The fact that you have no information about this guy should hopefully make it a little easier to leave the past behind.

You’re absolutely right. No matter what, the situation could be worse, and I’m glad that it’s not. However, ccmcmg has brought up a very important point. We need the medical records of the father for the child’s sake. If he has any health issues, it’s important to find out. That’s going be a challenge, however, as we have so little information about this person.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

My best wishes that you too can get through this difficult time too.
May God strengthen and bless you today, may you always turn to him in struggle and difficulties, and myself as well!

May God bless you as well, and thank you for your help.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

I’m very impressed by your love for your wife, your own thoughts and your wanting to forgive her and move forward. In the coming days, months and years, remember that forgiveness is an ‘act’, not a feeling. Anger is a feeling.

God bless all of you.

I’m truly thankful to have her. No one understands me or has given as much happiness to my life as she has. It shames me that I actually had thoughts of divorce to this amazing woman, but the devil preys on us at our weakest. No matter what we choose to do with this baby, we’ll get through it together.

Forgiveness is indeed an act. If I truly love her, and I do, I know that I can dispel this anger that blinds me. Through God’s will, all is possible.

Thank you for your kindness, and bringing up some important factors in this issue. May God bless you.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Whatever the two of you do, it needs to be in the best interest of the child, the most innocent all.

Ditto.

What will others think? Who gives a flying cr*p.

That so happens to be my motto…lol

With regard to the OP, yes, the situation is stressful and there will be all sorts of thoughts going through your head. The child needs you, and that is the only thought you should be thinking about. All my children are adopted, are of another race, and obviously don’t look like us. I could care less what others think, and neither should you.

 

[Maine52]

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t really have any advice, but I will share - when my husband and I were engaged, he said to me, “I know it wouldn’t happen, but I love you so much…even if you committed adultery I would still love you and want to be married to you, and if you got pregnant from the other man, the baby would be ours - I would want to raise your child as my own because you and I are one.”

 

[PennyinCanada]

I did a search on youtube and Bob and Audrey are speaking on a number of videos. I picked this one, but if you do your own search, you might find more encouragement.

youtube.com/watch?v=Z5JzXkD0DoY

 

[Linybaby]

I remember watching a tv show about this sort of situation. It was the exact same as you describe here. The wife had an affair with an African American man and they were both Caucasian. In the end yes he did stay with his wife (and their older children they had together) and raised the child as his own. They showed them when the baby was a boy (I forgot how old but he was grade school age). He said he loved his wife more than ever and they had a very happy life. Not sure if you google it if you could find it. I honestly don’t remember the name of the show, but so,etching to do with infidelity.

So is it possible, yes as I have seen other do it. Does Jesus say turn the other check? Yes, He does… But it’s all up to you and how you feel about it.

Pray to Jesus about it, talk to your priest about it…

God Bless you and your family…

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

No one else has said it, so I will say it out loud: the OP has been cuckolded. No two ways about that. Hence his anger at it is natural and real, and cannot be simply dismissed or prayed away like that. A hurt like that takes a long time to heal. It was bad enough that she slept around on him like that, to get pregnant doing so drove the knife deeper into the OP’s heart.

I have been around men who have been cheated on, the psychological ramifications of this on marriage can be very destructive. It’s possible she never did this before, but it’s also possible this isn’t her first time stepping out on him, only the first time she’s admitted it. In any case, forgiveness is difficult to come by and even if the OP gives it to his wife, they still have to deal with the temporal consequences of her mortal sin.

I feel for this child, but the marriage takes priority. Based on the experience of men I’ve known who have been cheated on, these are my recommendations:

(1), Get a paternity test, heck the baby might be yours after all, there’s that small chance it is, I’ve seen this outcome.

(2), If it isn’t yours and you do not feel you can set that anger aside whenever you look at the baby and the baby’s father cannot be located, then other actions may have to be considered such as adoption or separation.

(3), Your wife has to understand your anger will not let go easily and that your trust has to be earned all over again. Prayer can help, but there is nothing like time to heal this very deep wound in you.

(4), Zero tolerance for a reoccurrence. She needs to understand loud and clear that if she steps out again, the marriage is over. Trust is hard enough to rebuild after one occurrence; it cannot be rebuilt a 2nd time. She did it one time only, a case could be made for “mistake” and spousal forgiveness; a 2nd time, no it is willful on her part, she knows she shouldn’t do it, she knows how much she hurt him before but she’s doing it again anyway. Cannot ever take her back under those circumstances, period.

(5), You must realize that while the mortal sin is hers, you did play a part in setting the table for this happen in that you did not provide sufficient presence of leadership in the household, hence you left her vulnerable to temptation. I’ve seen this happen on the other side when a wife who refuses her husband leaves him subject to outside temptation. Marriage is a team effort in which each party needs the help of the other to remove themselves from this kind of temptation.

Good luck whatever you decide. Pray.

 

[tapiocapudding]

praying for you and your wife at this difficult time!

It is definitely a difficult situation and it is no wonder you are feeling wounded and frightened so be gentle with yourself,

I know you question your ability to love this child, but if you open your heart to the idea you might find that being a father, even in this unfortunate manner of becoming one, is something that could be an amazing thing for your family.

For family members I would be honest and brief- tell them you had a rough time in your marriage, your wife made an error, but God gave you both the grace to overcome your trial and sent a baby to bless you. Sometimes God sends beautiful gifts in the wake of tragedy.

For strangers and acquaintances I would just say “this is my child and I love him/her”. Ann Landers recommends that if people ask you nosy questions and won’t drop the subject you might respond with “why would you ask such a thing?” or “it is rude to ask such personal questions”.

 

[Louise2323]

Hi Thomasbelby27. Im very sorry for your situation, you are at a difficult position.

I believe you got many good responses here, from many different perspectives. First I want to say that you are entitled to your feelings of anger, rage or resentment. Dont bury them, try to deal with them in a healthy way.

Its very easy to say “be the father, the child has no fault”. But ultimately its YOU that has to go through it. I find it very normal and expected to look at the child and think of your wife´s error. Rationally you know its not the child´s fault, but emotionally you have to think if you are able to overcome this. And you may end up misplacing your resentment from your wife into the child.

I find it particularly tough to tell your family about it. If you had fertility problems you could adopt or even she could have a child with another man, but that had to be discussed. Now you are just left with the consequences of something that I dont think was your responsability.

I read the Meisner story that somebody here talked about. Call me cynical or skeptic, but I dont buy that “our marriage is now stronger than never”. From the text I understood the husband was controlling and abusive, seems to me a narcissitic personality. And she reacted in a passive-aggressive way, by cheating on him. In my view, the marriage was dysfunctional. Although he may had been abusive, she had the FREE WILL to try to fix it or leave. She decided to have an affair. And now call me cynical, but they are selling books about it, they are profiting from this. Sounds like a business enterprise, not a marriage to me. I particularly dont see them as a healthy rolemodel, but the extreme opposite.

I may be biased cause I couldnt forgive cheating. Its very nice of you to love your wife, but I find it really disturbing that she cheated on you cause she was alone for 2 days. I believe the cheating was just a consequence of something prior to it. Yes, I understood you were at some difficult moment back then, but the root of it has to be analized by you.

And although its admirable to forgive her, I believe you should do some soul-searching. I believe you feel pressured to forgive her and save the marriage, cause you are Catholic and thats whats “supposed” to happen. But its obvious to me that deep inside you didnt forgive her completely (and I dont blame you at all!). She exposed you to diseases and apparently didnt care for the consequences. I believe people give you advice with their best intentions, but I dont believe the Catholic teaching will be necesarily “forgive her and be the father”. There are many nuances here and only a priest can advise you on the options, religiously speaking.

My only advice to you is go talk to a priest, go to a therapist. Its a hard pill to swallow and I believe we have to be realistic about it, no matter what people say, you are entitled to your feelings and ultimately its you that will go through it.

Oh, as others said, Id get a paternity test… You are almost certain its not yours, but you have to be 100% sure of it. Wish you the best.

 

[TerryJT]

Hi Thomas,
Kudos to you for standing by your wife.If you and your wife decide to raise this child yourself-remember this child is part of her, and therefore part of you, even if you are not the father biologically.

There is no undoing the past-but there is looking forward. Never mind what people will think-so what if they talk? Standing by this woman and this child would truly be laying down your life for her and this baby. It is a high calling. As the husband in this marriage, you are to be Christ to your bride. Christ doesn’t turn his back on us when we sin. If she decides to keep this child, love it like your own flesh. As you and your wife are one flesh.

God Bless-and yes…it would be wise to get counseling from your parish priest, and a good marriage counselor.

And to heck with what other people think. You don’t answer to them. You answer to the Lord. You will hardly be the first man to be father to a child who is not biologically his.

Hang in there-I will be praying for your family.

 

[FieldofDreams86]

Would those of you telling him to forgive and raise give the same advice to his wife if it was the other way around? Let’s say he had the kid, other woman didn’t want, and he wanted his wife to help him raise the child. Would you tell his wife to forgive and raise the child?

 

[PennyinCanada]

Would those of you telling him to forgive and raise give the same advice to his wife if it was the other way around? Let’s say he had the kid, other woman didn’t want, and he wanted his wife to help him raise the child. Would you tell his wife to forgive and raise the child?

There are a lot of women who marry men that have children from another marriage and they become step moms. They deal with children who are not theirs, more than one, PLUS an ex-wife that may or may not be hostile. Can women do it? Many have, day to day, year after year.

My message to the OP was that if he was willing, certainly God is there to give him the grace to go forward. Again, many people find themselves in a very difficult situation, maybe the birth of a handicapped child, maybe a car accident that has left a family member with deficits, maybe a spouse with a serious illness. None of us know what hand we will be dealt tomorrow, but we don’t have to depend on our strength, our Lord and Saviour is there with us to lift us up to a place we couldn’t imagine. Certainly Bob and Audrey Meisner have been down this very road and have a victory in Jesus Christ. A person though must be willing to try. That is not to say that I would do well with some challenges I see people face every day. It is a credit to them, and they are a witness to the world of the healing and strength available through the power of God.

 

[ccmcmg]

And although its admirable to forgive her, I believe you should do some soul-searching. I believe you feel pressured to forgive her and save the marriage, cause you are Catholic and thats whats “supposed” to happen. But its obvious to me that deep inside you didnt forgive her completely (and I dont blame you at all!). She exposed you to diseases and apparently didnt care for the consequences. I believe people give you advice with their best intentions, but I dont believe the Catholic teaching will be necesarily “forgive her and be the father”. There are many nuances here and only a priest can advise you on the options, religiously speaking.

If he is choosing to forgive her, do not dissuade him from doing so. This gentleman does appear to have true intentions, sincere intentions, and great love for his wife. As mentioned, forgiveness is an act, a choice, not a ‘feeling’. He is trying to do the ‘right thing’, which is first and foremost, obeying God, which will follow by obeying the Church. If he isn’t able to forgive or live with this as husband and wife, then he can deal with that with the Church and the priest. But our first obligation, above and beyond ourselves, the child, or even the Church, is to God above. The Faith and Church follow, then the human beings involved.

The husband appears to have been very open and honest with us about the situation, but it’s different discussing it, than living it, both before and after the indiscretion. Even with every one of the facts before us, living it day in and out is different than reading about it. I do recommend counseling with a qualified priest or Catholic marriage counselor now and after the child is born. There will be questions from the child in the future that can help prepare them. (Some issues that I can imagine: anger at the mom for ‘cheating’ on Dad, perhaps anger or questions at not knowing the birthfather, even perhaps anger at Dad; kids’ minds don’t always work the way adults’ do.)

I commend the husband for his actions, as well as ‘lack’ of impulsive actions; it isn’t an easy path, nor one he (or any of us) would have chosen. God bless and keep all involved.

 

[Louise2323]

If he is choosing to forgive her, do not dissuade him from doing so. This gentleman does appear to have true intentions, sincere intentions, and great love for his wife. As mentioned, forgiveness is an act, a choice, not a ‘feeling’. He is trying to do the ‘right thing’, which is first and foremost, obeying God, which will follow by obeying the Church. If he isn’t able to forgive or live with this as husband and wife, then he can deal with that with the Church and the priest. But our first obligation, above and beyond ourselves, the child, or even the Church, is to God above. The Faith and Church follow, then the human beings involved.

Im not dissuading him of anything. Im advising him to go to the roots of the problem. He has sincere intentions, no doubt, but in my view its obvious he didnt resolve the anger he has, justifiably. Forgiveness is an act based on an emotion. I believe he feels pressured to forgive and some people here seem to not understand the implications for him.

I find it very easy telling him to forgive when we are not on his shoes. Seems hypocritical to me. He needs to think a lot about it and not to rush into a decision. Also, he has to be sure that if he remains married to her, he will raise the child and has to do it without any bad feeling towards the baby. He has to see that this cannot be an issue in future fights. If you forgive you let go and dont bring it again. Thats easy to say but difficult to do. And Im thinking about the baby primarily, a child needs to be loved inconditionally and not be treated like there´s some resentment.

I really dont know whats the “right thing” that you mention. Its something that only him can know, based on his knowledge of the whole scenario. I dont know what you mean by “obeying God” in this case. Since its not clear to me, I advised him to talk to a priest and a therapist.

Also, I wonder whats his wife opinion on all this. He doesnt mention much about it, I feel he has the whole burden on his shoulder… But thats just my impression.

 

[Louise2323]

Id like to add something, Thomas. Id do the paternity test anyway.

And since you have a fertility problem, maybe a good approach will be to accept this baby as your own. Maybe you would adopt one in the future, so it may be God´s way to give you a gift. In a painful way, Im aware, but it can be an opportunity for you. But please get adivice from a priest and a therapist to get rid of your resentment and clarify your mind. My best wishes to you.

 

[YADA]

Hi Thomas -

Life is weird - isn’t it? And our life choices have ramifications far beyond the ‘moment’ … much as we like to think otherwise in our delusions to self when we act selfishly … and I will assume that you and your wife share in that … the baby makes hers more visible and harder to place out of memory … but I am sure there is marital harm to go around and memories are fickle - things you think you have put behind you can come rushing back to intrude in a fraction of a second …

So … you and your wife find yourselves with an innocent life to think of … which is good - sometimes we grow in our spiritual life when we have to think of others [much sin would be eliminated if we were as conscious of others - as you are of this new life - at all times in our life … I am sure you would agree] … If it had been - you and your wife might be in a different place - planning for some happier occasion

As I see it - you and your wife have two realistic choices:
1] to accept this gift of life and become loving caring parents of your child … I do not feel that there is any need to contact the one night stand … the presumption of fatherhood is upon you - you can embrace that child as your own - its a decision …

My uncle who returned from WWII and met a waitress who was unmarried and expecting accepted fatherhood for my aunts only child - a son [conceived during a drunken teenage party back in the 1940s - my aunt refused to marry a man who would get her drunk] … they married just before my cousin was born and the entire small town knew the child was not his - as the conception took place before he returned from overseas. My aunt was not able to conceive again … and they adopted three girls … My uncle always said that “There was more to being a father then sticking a pecker in a woman” … that sounds crude - but it is also true … and during my parents hard times - I found refuge and parental role models in my aunt and uncle’s home … my parents divorced - my aunt and uncle did not …

So - [like my uncle] - you can father and love this child - he [like my cousin] will know no other father but you from his time in the womb on into the future … no reason to ever tell him or her anything different.

2] You can give this child up for adoption - if you cannot bring yourself to love both child and mother - unconditionally … and knowing this of yourself is a gift - to you and your wife … giving this child to an adoptive family is a loving choice one that respects all of you …

I know a family that adopted a child who was conceived while a couple was separated. The reconciled and then the wife realized she was pregnant … in this case they had three children … they decided that they could not bring this child into their home and love it unconditionally. The husband did not believe that he could live with this reminder … the discussed this between them and with their older children and made the decision to have the child adopted … They sought an adoptive family that had an older child or children … my friends had one child but had been unable to conceive a second … after about 7 years of trying had decided to adopt … they adopted this child who was then joined two years later [it does not happen that way all the tie but often enough for that old saw about once you “adopt a child you will then conceive one” to come into being ] This family gives thanks everyday for the family that gave them this child - a gift from God to them …

There are probably numerous other options - but they pale [IMHO] to the two options presented above … some are immoral and utterly unthinkable - abortion being one …