Can I raise this child if I'm not the father?

[Rose71]

Reading about your experiences and your amazing self-awareness and your love for your wife is one of the most inspiring and uplifting things I have read on CAF.

At school, I suppose we all learned about examination of conscience and the concepts of forgiveness and love - but it takes a real man (or woman) to be able to put these into practice.

Sorry for sounding slightly crude here - but on the subject of your fertility issues and resentment towards the father of the child…That man has proved he is a selfish opportunist while you, my friend, have just proved to everyone that you definitely have BALLS!

You and your wife and baby are in my prayers. God Bless all of you

 

[SpidersfromMars]

@YADA.

Hello, and thank you for contributing your advice. My wife and I managed to talk. We talked about the anger and regret between us previously. I let her know that I hadn’t truly forgiven her, but am currently trying. She told me that she could see the rage in my heart, and it’s hurting her. The regret of what happened, this first child, and my negative emotions towards her have been misery. This was hard to hear, and I quickly reassured her that while I had anger, I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t love her. We agreed that abortion was not an option, and that we would have to go back to therapy. Praying together is also a must. We are still undecided on whether to put the child up for adoption or not. She told me that she is willing to do so, but I know that would devastate her. Louise2323 and others have pointed out that maybe this child was given to us in response to our inability to have children. It’s very hard for me to think of it that way, but perhaps that’s the truth. My wife has been feeling some of the pregnancy ill’s, and I’ve been taking care of her. Through this though, I believe that our bond is strengthening. It feels uplifting going out to get her ginger ale, or helping her into bed when she’s feeling fatigued. We’ve been spending more meaningful time together, and it’s very helpful.

We’ve been praying to God for an answer to our problems, and I believe he’s made it clear which path to take.

I think we can be the parents of this baby. That I can be the father. It’s becoming clear now more than ever that this baby is in both of our lives. We may still have some negative emotions, but they will be dissolved in time. This baby’s life is happening now. I can’t leave her side, and she can’t leave this pregnancy. We’re all connected to one another. I’m going to convince her as best as I can that this is the route I want to take. I know this is what she wants as well, and we’re going to discuss it. I have a lot planned after work today.

Thank you everyone for your guidance. It has allowed me to think about all aspects of this situation, and likely find the resolution. I truly would’ve been worse off without coming here and asking for help. After today, things will be much better.

God bless you all.

It’s good to hear you’re feeling better about this baby.

Have you told your family/friends yet? Due to the biological father being black, it will be obvious to them after birth that the child has a different paternity, even if you haven’t told them prior to the birth. Do you have any ideas on what you will say? Sorry if my question is insensitive, I just think it’s something that will crop up

 

[PaulGH]

@YADA.

Hello, and thank you for contributing your advice. My wife and I managed to talk. We talked about the anger and regret between us previously. I let her know that I hadn’t truly forgiven her, but am currently trying. She told me that she could see the rage in my heart, and it’s hurting her. The regret of what happened, this first child, and my negative emotions towards her have been misery. This was hard to hear, and I quickly reassured her that while I had anger, I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t love her. We agreed that abortion was not an option, and that we would have to go back to therapy. Praying together is also a must. We are still undecided on whether to put the child up for adoption or not. She told me that she is willing to do so, but I know that would devastate her. Louise2323 and others have pointed out that maybe this child was given to us in response to our inability to have children. It’s very hard for me to think of it that way, but perhaps that’s the truth. My wife has been feeling some of the pregnancy ill’s, and I’ve been taking care of her. Through this though, I believe that our bond is strengthening. It feels uplifting going out to get her ginger ale, or helping her into bed when she’s feeling fatigued. We’ve been spending more meaningful time together, and it’s very helpful.

We’ve been praying to God for an answer to our problems, and I believe he’s made it clear which path to take.

I think we can be the parents of this baby. That I can be the father. It’s becoming clear now more than ever that this baby is in both of our lives. We may still have some negative emotions, but they will be dissolved in time. This baby’s life is happening now. I can’t leave her side, and she can’t leave this pregnancy. We’re all connected to one another. I’m going to convince her as best as I can that this is the route I want to take. I know this is what she wants as well, and we’re going to discuss it. I have a lot planned after work today.

Thank you everyone for your guidance. It has allowed me to think about all aspects of this situation, and likely find the resolution. I truly would’ve been worse off without coming here and asking for help. After today, things will be much better.

God bless you all.

God bless you too, Thomas. You are being a great husband (and already a great father!) in a very difficult situation, that no man would ever want to face. You and your wife will get through this if you remain committed to each other, which it sounds like you very much are.

You said, “Louise2323 and others have pointed out that maybe this child was given to us in response to our inability to have children.” I don’t know if I would put it exactly that way, but I think that there may be some truth there. I think that this situation may prove the truth of the saying that “God draws straight with crooked lines.” In other words, God often brings good out of bad situations.

Perhaps God is using this terrible situation of infidelity to bring great blessings to you and your wife – first a child to love and to care for, when you have not been able to have children up to now; and second a renewal and strengthening of your marriage. I can’t say for sure that this is what is happening, and I don’t mean to imply that no bad effects will come from this infidelity. But based on what you have written, it would not surprise me if God uses this bad situation to bring about some wonderful blessings for you and your wife.

 

[MickeyM927]

Reading about your experiences and your amazing self-awareness and your love for your wife is one of the most inspiring and uplifting things I have read on CAF.

At school, I suppose we all learned about examination of conscience and the concepts of forgiveness and love - but it takes a real man (or woman) to be able to put these into practice.

Sorry for sounding slightly crude here - but on the subject of your fertility issues and resentment towards the father of the child…That man has proved he is a selfish opportunist while you, my friend, have just proved to everyone that you definitely have BALLS!

You and your wife and baby are in my prayers. God Bless all of you

I also have to say that your honesty and sincerity here has been amazing an uplifting as well. You all will be in my prayers.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Reading about your experiences and your amazing self-awareness and your love for your wife is one of the most inspiring and uplifting things I have read on CAF.

At school, I suppose we all learned about examination of conscience and the concepts of forgiveness and love - but it takes a real man (or woman) to be able to put these into practice.

Sorry for sounding slightly crude here - but on the subject of your fertility issues and resentment towards the father of the child…That man has proved he is a selfish opportunist while you, my friend, have just proved to everyone that you definitely have BALLS!

You and your wife and baby are in my prayers. God Bless all of you

That’s cool that the OP is able to move on this way. I’m not sure I could do the same if I was in his shoes, heck many men could not, but it is his decision to make. May God go with him.

That said, no one should ever read into this that the OP’s forgiveness represents a get-out-of-jail free card for his wife. From a cynical point of view, it could be said she not only cuckolded him, she got away with it. Adultery is an extraordinarily destructive sin, adultery accompanied by pregnancy even more so, regardless of the circumstances that led up to it. Regardless of which partner stepped out. The OP’s wife needs to never take her husband’s forgiveness for granted. She nearly blew up the family and that is extraordinarily hard to forgive. I’ll freely admit I’d have trouble forgiving this myself. Especially considering the damage I’ve seen done to families I know.

 

[severus68]

@YADA.

Hello, and thank you for contributing your advice. My wife and I managed to talk. We talked about the anger and regret between us previously. I let her know that I hadn’t truly forgiven her, but am currently trying. She told me that she could see the rage in my heart, and it’s hurting her. The regret of what happened, this first child, and my negative emotions towards her have been misery. This was hard to hear, and I quickly reassured her that while I had anger, I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t love her. We agreed that abortion was not an option, and that we would have to go back to therapy. Praying together is also a must. We are still undecided on whether to put the child up for adoption or not. She told me that she is willing to do so, but I know that would devastate her. Louise2323 and others have pointed out that maybe this child was given to us in response to our inability to have children. It’s very hard for me to think of it that way, but perhaps that’s the truth. My wife has been feeling some of the pregnancy ill’s, and I’ve been taking care of her. Through this though, I believe that our bond is strengthening. It feels uplifting going out to get her ginger ale, or helping her into bed when she’s feeling fatigued. We’ve been spending more meaningful time together, and it’s very helpful.

We’ve been praying to God for an answer to our problems, and I believe he’s made it clear which path to take.

I think we can be the parents of this baby. That I can be the father. It’s becoming clear now more than ever that this baby is in both of our lives. We may still have some negative emotions, but they will be dissolved in time. This baby’s life is happening now. I can’t leave her side, and she can’t leave this pregnancy. We’re all connected to one another. I’m going to convince her as best as I can that this is the route I want to take. I know this is what she wants as well, and we’re going to discuss it. I have a lot planned after work today.

Thank you everyone for your guidance. It has allowed me to think about all aspects of this situation, and likely find the resolution. I truly would’ve been worse off without coming here and asking for help. After today, things will be much better.

God bless you all.

I have been following this thread. I am impressed by your continued love for your wife, your efforts to forgive and reconcile and your maturity. May God continue to guide you and bless you and your wife.

 

[retire_early]

Thomas…sounds like you have decided to be the father to the baby yet to be born.

May I suggest that you look more thoroughly into adoption? A friend of mine has a 42 year old daughter who is going to have her sixth child and has never been married. There are five different fathers, and only one gives support. She is a strong personality and has a good job, but is always living on the edge, financially. Both my friend and I are trying to encourage her to look into adoption. Her’s is just one example of a good reason to choose adoption. There are many reasons and circumstances to explore the adoption option.

You might also look at it from the adoptive parents’ point of view. Their are so many couples out there so desperately wanting to adopt…there is no doubt your wife’s child would be the answer to a prayer of a loving family. Here is one biography of a prospective adoptive family I saw, as an example:
openadopt.org/waiting-families/profile/sonja-and-stuart

There are probably many more out there that you could contact through Catholic Charities in your area.

Please prayfully consider.

Wishing you and your wife peace and many blessings.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

Reading about your experiences and your amazing self-awareness and your love for your wife is one of the most inspiring and uplifting things I have read on CAF.

At school, I suppose we all learned about examination of conscience and the concepts of forgiveness and love - but it takes a real man (or woman) to be able to put these into practice.

Sorry for sounding slightly crude here - but on the subject of your fertility issues and resentment towards the father of the child…That man has proved he is a selfish opportunist while you, my friend, have just proved to everyone that you definitely have BALLS!

You and your wife and baby are in my prayers. God Bless all of you

Thank you, Rose. We have God as a guide to support us through this, and the pain is slowly leaving. Even my feelings of anger towards the father are somewhat lessened.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

It’s good to hear you’re feeling better about this baby.

Have you told your family/friends yet? Due to the biological father being black, it will be obvious to them after birth that the child has a different paternity, even if you haven’t told them prior to the birth. Do you have any ideas on what you will say? Sorry if my question is insensitive, I just think it’s something that will crop up

No apologies necessary. We haven’t told anyone yet as it’s a very delicate and emotionally stressful situation. After all, My wife and I have agreed on keeping this child only yesterday. However, yes, we will have to tell them soon. She is beginning to show slightly and I want to tell our folks before the pregnancy becomes apparent. My parents have actually noticed my distant nature to them in these past months and asked if they could come up on the weekend. Perhaps I’ll tell them then. My wife hasn’t told her mother either, but has asked me if she can do so privately. I understand completely as this isn’t easy for either of us.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

God bless you too, Thomas. You are being a great husband (and already a great father!) in a very difficult situation, that no man would ever want to face. You and your wife will get through this if you remain committed to each other, which it sounds like you very much are.

You said, “Louise2323 and others have pointed out that maybe this child was given to us in response to our inability to have children.” I don’t know if I would put it exactly that way, but I think that there may be some truth there. I think that this situation may prove the truth of the saying that “God draws straight with crooked lines.” In other words, God often brings good out of bad situations.

Perhaps God is using this terrible situation of infidelity to bring great blessings to you and your wife – first a child to love and to care for, when you have not been able to have children up to now; and second a renewal and strengthening of your marriage. I can’t say for sure that this is what is happening, and I don’t mean to imply that no bad effects will come from this infidelity. But based on what you have written, it would not surprise me if God uses this bad situation to bring about some wonderful blessings for you and your wife.

Thank you for your support, Paul. I agree that God can bring the best out of a bad situation. I’m sure that while there are few positives visible in spite of the negatives, even more good things will come in time. We just have to be patient.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

That’s cool that the OP is able to move on this way. I’m not sure I could do the same if I was in his shoes, heck many men could not, but it is his decision to make. May God go with him.

That said, no one should ever read into this that the OP’s forgiveness represents a get-out-of-jail free card for his wife. From a cynical point of view, it could be said she not only cuckolded him, she got away with it. Adultery is an extraordinarily destructive sin, adultery accompanied by pregnancy even more so, regardless of the circumstances that led up to it. Regardless of which partner stepped out. The OP’s wife needs to never take her husband’s forgiveness for granted. She nearly blew up the family and that is extraordinarily hard to forgive. I’ll freely admit I’d have trouble forgiving this myself. Especially considering the damage I’ve seen done to families I know.

Believe me, no one understands the seriousness of this situation better than I do. And definitely no one is getting away with anything. It pains my wife just as much as I do these are the circumstances of our first child’s creation. She had considered an abortion, and was even willing to go through with adoption if it meant fixing our relationship. She knows my pain, and I know hers. What happened will never happen again.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

I also have to say that your honesty and sincerity here has been amazing an uplifting as well. You all will be in my prayers.

I’ve only continued being open about my strife because everyone here has been so fair and helpful. Thank you and God bless.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

Thomas…sounds like you have decided to be the father to the baby yet to be born.

May I suggest that you look more thoroughly into adoption? A friend of mine has a 42 year old daughter who is going to have her sixth child and has never been married. There are five different fathers, and only one gives support. She is a strong personality and has a good job, but is always living on the edge, financially. Both my friend and I are trying to encourage her to look into adoption. Her’s is just one example of a good reason to choose adoption. There are many reasons and circumstances to explore the adoption option.

You might also look at it from the adoptive parents’ point of view. Their are so many couples out there so desperately wanting to adopt…there is no doubt your wife’s child would be the answer to a prayer of a loving family. Here is one biography of a prospective adoptive family I saw, as an example:
openadopt.org/waiting-families/profile/sonja-and-stuart

There are probably many more out there that you could contact through Catholic Charities in your area.

Please prayfully consider.

Wishing you and your wife peace and many blessings.

My wife and I have decided to keep this child, but I will always be mindful of other people’s suggestions. At this point, I don’t know if I can bring up the adoption route with her again. It was very hard to decide on keeping this baby, but even harder for my wife to tell me she was willing to put it up for adoption. This will be our first child, after years of trying, and she doesn’t want to give him/her up. I can’t possibly understand how hard it is to be carrying this baby while being so angry at herself for the affair. It is a long way to the delivery. In that time, maybe God will show us that adoption is the best route.

Struggling to be a parent for so long, I know the pain of not being able to have a child. So I will keep an open mind to that option. But as of now, I truly believe God has shown us that we can raise this child.

 

[Thomasbelby27]

I have been following this thread. I am impressed by your continued love for your wife, your efforts to forgive and reconcile and your maturity. May God continue to guide you and bless you and your wife.

All our strength in this situation is through God’s guidance. All must be attributed to him. Thank you for your kindness. May The Lord bless you.

 

[holy_face]

What horrible advice here, I would immediately get an attorney and leave. She is going to walk all over you for the rest of your life, and this won’t likely be the last time she sneaks around behind your back. Just my opinion, take it for what it is, but I would personally rather die than stay in such a relationship. And raising someone elses child that slept with my wife, and making it obvious to everyone in the world due to the racial differences, a whole other level of horror that is inconceivable to me?

Bring us back to the days of torture in the iron maiden or rack, much more preferable, it will be over much quicker. This is an endless lifetime of emotional and soul destroying torture.

 

[retire_early]

This will be our first child, after years of trying,

Oops…didn’t see that earlier. Sheds a different light. Now, I understand.

Blessings.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

What horrible advice here, I would immediately get an attorney and leave. She is going to walk all over you for the rest of your life, and this won’t likely be the last time she sneaks around behind your back. Just my opinion, take it for what it is, but I would personally rather die than stay in such a relationship. And raising someone elses child that slept with my wife, and making it obvious to everyone in the world due to the racial differences, a whole other level of horror that is inconceivable to me?

Bring us back to the days of torture in the iron maiden or rack, much more preferable, it will be over much quicker. This is an endless lifetime of emotional and soul destroying torture.

Sounds more like a dom and sub type relationship with a little bit of cuckoldry fetishism to me. Just doesn’t sound really possible to me. If it is real, it is a horrible thing to do to involve a child in whatever kind of kink you’re involved in.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

What horrible advice here, I would immediately get an attorney and leave. She is going to walk all over you for the rest of your life, and this won’t likely be the last time she sneaks around behind your back. Just my opinion, take it for what it is, but I would personally rather die than stay in such a relationship. And raising someone elses child that slept with my wife, and making it obvious to everyone in the world due to the racial differences, a whole other level of horror that is inconceivable to me?

Bring us back to the days of torture in the iron maiden or rack, much more preferable, it will be over much quicker. This is an endless lifetime of emotional and soul destroying torture.

Well this sort of thing is why I asked the OP if he and his wife had decided what they were going to tell people. I’m sure there will be some who won’t be shy about giving such opinions in real life.

If it were me I would say that it happened while we were separated for a while…not entirely untrue and it stops the wife from being judged so harshly.

I do feel like the wife should try and track down the assumed father though. I know it’s not going to be fun, but I believe that children have the right to know about their biological parents, for medical reasons if nothing else.

 

[holy_face]

Please don’t think you are somehow at fault for this, not paying enough attention to her is not justification for someone to do this to you, not even close.

 

[Linybaby]

My wife and I have decided to keep this child, but I will always be mindful of other people’s suggestions. At this point, I don’t know if I can bring up the adoption route with her again. It was very hard to decide on keeping this baby, but even harder for my wife to tell me she was willing to put it up for adoption. This will be our first child, after years of trying, and she doesn’t want to give him/her up. I can’t possibly understand how hard it is to be carrying this baby while being so angry at herself for the affair. It is a long way to the delivery. In that time, maybe God will show us that adoption is the best route.

Struggling to be a parent for so long, I know the pain of not being able to have a child. So I will keep an open mind to that option. But as of now, I truly believe God has shown us that we can raise this child.

I applaud you for staying with you wife and keeping the baby! I know that is what the church says, forgive and turn the other cheek. Many men would not have stepped up to the plate like you have. Your wife is very BLESSED to have you! This unborn baby is BLESSED to have you. God Bless you and your family. Please keep us updated on how your wife and the baby! Also if you are open to it, like to know how your family and your friends are when you tell them…

And of course I am sure we would all love to know if the baby is a by or girl and when the bundle of joy is born…