Care and feeding of the SAHM

[pianistclare]

You know, those of us that actually love raising our big families and are joyful in our vocations know that life is hard. Sometimes it downright sucks even. But you know, we got over it and noticed that the happier we are, the happier our kids are. We noticed that by not allowing work to pile up, we could stay on top of things instead of getting overwhelmed. We started realizing that life got easier the less we looked around for somebody to help us out because that left that energy inside us to work on solutions, which in turn gives us confidence. We have learned not to look at ourselves the way the secular world does and instead see the gifts God has provided along the way. It gets really old hearing advice on a Catholic forum that mirrors what is given by the rest of the world. Hire help, send your kids to child care/school, go see a therapist, avoid having so many kids, all of these things are what people can get from any website, neighbor, newspaper, or cashier at Walmart. What about Catholics assuring one another that living out our vocations actually isn’t being a baby factory and being a mom/dad is contributing to society in more significant ways than any other profession. How about reminding people that there is no shame in struggling but through those struggles we become who God intended for us to be. How about telling people that by bending our own will to match God’s will is what leads to the path of peace and joy and is so much less tiring than trying to make God see that our plans are much better than His. There are reasons why there are so many upper income moms with tons of outside help with only one or two kids that still are miserable and worn out while there are many low income moms that have more kids with no outside help that are happy and peaceful. The general world has always found us weird and has looked down on us, and now the Catholic world does too.

There is nothing in Catholic theology that asserts that people ignore the warning signs of depression, and mothers in crisis. The Church is all for mother’s mental health and stability, in order to be that perfect Catholic mom that you imagine we should all be.
Telling mothers who are crying out for understanding and sympathy that they should just let God handle everything without seeking proper medical help or assistance from friends and family is mean and irresponsible.
Nobody said anything about Catholic mothers being weird. That is your perception based on some sort of feeling that YOU are being attacked.
No one is talking about you.
But when a husband or a wife ignores the signs of a real crisis…that’s a recipe for disaster. So rather than make this into a theological discussion, how about a little genuine coping advice? I think most of the mothers on these boards pray ALOT. They are likely daily Mass go-ers. I don’t think they are confused about their faith.
but the fact remains, that a husband wouldn’t allow his car to run on bald tires, but one who ignore his wife’s “check engine light” isn’t being the husband and father that his vocation demands.
And a wife should fee free to tell him “honey, I can’t take it!” without being accused of going all “Secular” on the family.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t think the average family has $100,000 a year. Even in America. But it makes sense. We struggle paycheck to paycheck with $45,000 a year for just us 2!

That’s the whole point. It’s the VALUE of the services needed.
My daughter just had her gall bladder removed. $17 grand.
When you factor in the cost of medical visits, school uniforms if you go to private school, music lessons (unless you are bartering for them) emergency acquisitions of a new washer, a fridge, or new tires etc…you can see how maintaining what little you have costs a small fortune. You don’t spend 100 grand. But you might rack up bills that could approach that with just one major illness or auto accident.
The point is, just never know.
If a mother got seriously ill, the family would be in dire straits. Focus on the children, absolutely.
Mama has to be healthy, and happy.
We need to remind mothers that being exhausted and very ill doesn’t serve their children. nothing makes a child cry harder and worry more than seeing mama cry.

 

[jmjZelie]

There is nothing in Catholic theology that asserts that people ignore the warning signs of depression, and mothers in crisis. The Church is all for mother’s mental health and stability, in order to be that perfect Catholic mom that you imagine we should all be.
Telling mothers who are crying out for understanding and sympathy that they should just let God handle everything without seeking proper medical help or assistance from friends and family is mean and irresponsible.
Nobody said anything about Catholic mothers being weird. That is your perception based on some sort of feeling that YOU are being attacked.
No one is talking about you.
But when a husband or a wife ignores the signs of a real crisis…that’s a recipe for disaster. So rather than make this into a theological discussion, how about a little genuine coping advice? I think most of the mothers on these boards pray ALOT. They are likely daily Mass go-ers. I don’t think they are confused about their faith.
but the fact remains, that a husband wouldn’t allow his car to run on bald tires, but one who ignore his wife’s “check engine light” isn’t being the husband and father that his vocation demands.
And a wife should fee free to tell him “honey, I can’t take it!” without being accused of going all “Secular” on the family.

This response is very helpful to me personally, pianistclare. I keep searching for answers to why I can’t seem to make it all work, why I am so tired and sad, why I feel like a failure. Blogs like the one Xantippe shared today are like a reality check. I realize that maybe I have too much on my plate, for too long, without relief or assistance, and maybe my struggle is not that I am just spoilt or lazy. I get this notion sometimes, when I am searching for inspiration or ideas to help me, that if only I just prayed harder and kept pushing myself until I actually fall down with exhaustion, then maybe I would prove that I was not lazy. But somehow I doubt that God wants me to put myself in the hospital just to prove a point. I started a thread about this a few weeks ago, and I recall that someone said that life is a marathon and not a race, so I shouldn’t aim for falling down with exhaustion each day as a sign that I am doing enough. I agree objectively that that person must be right, but when I read things like what bitterhope wrote, I immediately go back to that place of thinking I need to just pray harder and work harder, even if I don’t get much sleep. That is why I would love to hear some concrete ideas from bitterhope and other SAHMs who have been through this and come out the other side of it and lives to tell the tale.

 

[pianistclare]

This response is very helpful to me personally, pianistclare. I keep searching for answers to why I can’t seem to make it all work, why I am so tired and sad, why I feel like a failure. Blogs like the one Xantippe shared today are like a reality check. I realize that maybe I have too much on my plate, for too long, without relief or assistance, and maybe my struggle is not that I am just spoilt or lazy. I get this notion sometimes, when I am searching for inspiration or ideas to help me, that if only I just prayed harder and kept pushing myself until I actually fall down with exhaustion, then maybe I would prove that I was not lazy. But somehow I doubt that God wants me to put myself in the hospital just to prove a point. I started a thread about this a few weeks ago, and I recall that someone said that life is a marathon and not a race, so I shouldn’t aim for falling down with exhaustion each day as a sign that I am doing enough. I agree objectively that that person must be right, but when I read things like what bitterhope wrote, I immediately go back to that place of thinking I need to just pray harder and work harder, even if I don’t get much sleep. That is why I would love to hear some concrete ideas from bitterhope and other SAHMs who have been through this and come out the other side of it and lives to tell the tale.

you’re welcome.
Keep this in mind:
We can rely on God, indeed we should. But we have to COOPERATE with God and His grace.
Meaning, being clear on what the “must haves” are. What thing on your weekly to do list can wait until tomorrow?
When a child is sick, likely all of the things go to the side, as you focus on your beloved.
If you have support of family and friends (parishioners…are particularly good. Often, people whose grandchildren are far away in another state would LOVE to come by and snuggle with your baby while you tend to a sick toddler for example) is what allows you to be high functioning and sane.
And if it goes pear shaped? We’re not supposed to feel like we’ve failed. You are made in the image and likeness of God. We can’t all BE the Virgin Mary. We just have to emulate her charity, her peace, her patience, her love. This comes easy to most mothers. But the humongous pile of laundry and dealing with crushing bills and a car running on fumes? Not so much.
There’s no shame in seeking help. Even if you don’t want to see a Dr. about it, likely everyone will recommend time for yourself. There’s nothing that says it has to be selfish time. I can be time in Adoration. It can be a nap. It can be a walk at the mall with a cappuccino.
Take care of yourself. You children need you, and they need a mommy that is full of life, not hanging by a thread. I wish you lived near to me. I would so come and help out!
Peace!

 

[1990Domer]

My thought based on reading your summary (not the actual post yet) is that a helpful community and/or family (basically, reliable support system) goes a very long way to making up for the advantages that more income would provide. At least, that’s been my experience.

That said, even though our household income is significantly under six figures, I can have a reasonable expectation that given my husband’s field we will probably be there (or equivalent adjusting for inflation) in 5-10 years. We’ll also be out of debt then. We also are likely to opt for non-homeschool (probably public school, the horror! ) So regarding our situation as temporary is incredibly helpful for my mental wellbeing. I can do this a few more years. But no, probably not 20 more.

I also think it does matter how hard it is to have lots of littles. But once they get older, I think children can provide quite a lot in terms of household help (without coming close to treating them like slave labor.) Bonus: I’ll hopefully raise several boys to be quite attentive to the needs of running a household and if they are called to be married, I entertain the idea that they will be quite good catches (plus of course they’re all very handsome and I expect them to remain so as they grow up. )

God bless my grandmother…9 boys and 2 girls. My MIL once asked if my dad was waited on hand and foot like her DH was (only two in their family and he was the only boy). I said you must be kidding. With 11 kids, my grandmother didn’t care if you were a boy or a girl. Everyone had chores, and there were no sex role chores either. My dad knew how to sew!

I wish God blessed us with a bigger family, but it wasn’t to be. Sadly, adoption was ruled out because we had a special needs child. So, now I help out my girlfriends, also SAHMs, by doing a kids day out! Mom gets respite.

 

[pianistclare]

God bless my grandmother…9 boys and 2 girls. My MIL once asked if my dad was waited on hand and foot like her DH was (only two in their family and he was the only boy). I said you must be kidding. With 11 kids, my grandmother didn’t care if you were a boy or a girl. Everyone had chores, and there were no sex role chores either. My dad knew how to sew!

I wish God blessed us with a bigger family, but it wasn’t to be. Sadly, adoption was ruled out because we had a special needs child. So, now I help out my girlfriends, also SAHMs, by doing a kids day out! Mom gets respite.

And you’re happy to do it right?
i’ll wager every parish has a crew that would help out, if only someone asked.
And if they don’t, I see the beginnings of a beautiful ministry!

 

[gardenswithkids]

I still don’t have enough time to adequately share my thoughts on the blog, but I want to give hugs to the posters here, especially ((jmjzellie)) ((bitterhope)) ((kelfa)) and any other mother who needs some extra prayer and support right now.

 

[Kelfa28]

Nice to see you on the boards…you’ve and the children have been in my prayers!

I still don’t have enough time to adequately share my thoughts on the blog, but I want to give hugs to the posters here, especially ((jmjzellie)) ((bitterhope)) ((kelfa)) and any other mother who needs some extra prayer and support right now.

Awww…thank-you!

The girls are rock stars…as always.

Yesterday was National Daughter’s day for all you moms and dads rockin’ it with baby girls.

 

[1990Domer]

Thank-you Xantippe.

I make no apologies that I am maxed out at three kids. Financially, emotionally, physically, mentally…pretty much in every single way you can imagine.

If you’re feeling just desperate and your husband is just short of negotiating you off of a ledge some days…then it’s time to re-evaluate your priorities on what you understand as “grave” reason to have another kid.

It’s time to stop listening to everyone on these boards and in real life and just listen to God and maybe your spouse…

I went into parenting thinking I was going to be some crazy, granola, breast-feeding/baby wearing mom who would practice NFP only when I absolutely needed to.
Why would I need to if I was going to EBF and my cycles wouldn’t be around to worry about.

Then life happened…as you can see from some of my past posts.
Not to mention the fact that my lovely baby-boomer parents and in-laws don’t have the word “retire” as a part of their general vocabulary.
All of them work still…and they are all in their 60s.

Plus…one can’t forget the strange phenomena of siblings. I have a sister who is married with kids.
My parents/in-laws love ALL of their Grandkids…not just mine…and free babysitting is limited to if and when my parents/in-laws have a free night and not this whole moving in with us for several weeks while I get settled.

So this whole…“don’t you have help?”…thing is pretty much limited to what our wallets can take.

So, I’m good with 3 kids…thanks. Not looking to have anymore.

Help and friendship are in short supply when you have a special needs kid (at least it was in my case). The play dates dried up because other moms didn’t want their kids to catch the “autism bad behavior” bug. I had limited support from my elderly parents, until they got sick. My DH was my biggest support, as was my phychiatrist. I really needed someone to talk to as I was ignored by my neighbors because my kid would invade their perfect yard.

Yes, confession on the slate tomorrow.

 

[pensmama87]

Help and friendship are in short supply when you have a special needs kid (at least it was in my case). The play dates dried up because other moms didn’t want their kids to catch the “autism bad behavior” bug. I had limited support from my elderly parents, until they got sick. My DH was my biggest support, as was my phychiatrist. I really needed someone to talk to as I was ignored by my neighbors because my kid would invade their perfect yard.

Yes, confession on the slate tomorrow.

:hug1:

That stinks. The sad thing is that those people in your life are missing out and don’t even know it. I grew up with a severely disabled cousin (she sadly passed away a few years ago) and had the opportunity as a teacher to work with several students with varying needs. I was constantly impressed by these kids and by their parents. It’s obviously not all sunshine and roses, far from it, but the level of determination to make it all work is really inspiring.

One of my oldest son’s favorite playmates has an autism spectrum disorder. To him, her “quirks” are just part of her. They get along great and he can be fiercely protective of her. She really is a sweet little girl, too.

 

[1990Domer]

I don’t have much time to write all my thoughts and comments, but I’ll share this:

When I read the title “The Care and Feeding of the SAHM” I naturally assumed that somewhere in the article, the author would mention chocolate.

The author failed to mention chocolate. Or coffee.

Who writes about caring and feeding SAHM without saying something about chocolate or coffee???

Especially chocolate!

 

[1990Domer]

Interesting quotes. Having help, in family or friends, makes a world a difference.

I think some angst over SAHMs is self centeredness. Society tells us women that we need to be fulfilled. Just last week, a woman told me that she’s not fulfilled as a mom and doesn’t find that “just being a mom” is enough.

It’s not about me. My job as mom is not to fulfill me. My job is to raise the best kids that I can. Am I fulfilled cleaning up my son’s bed after he soils it? Nope. Am I fulfilled homeschooling? Not really. But it’s not about me. And I think that’s a huge problem. Because who can honestly say that much of what moms do is fulfilling? And when we are constantly asked whether we are fulfilled…and realize we aren’t, we think we aren’t cut out for the whole SAHM business.

When I see my kids acting like Christ, I’m fillfilled. It’s then that I realize all the other junk- sleepless nights, disgusting jobs- was totally worth it.

Yep…our jobs are to get our family to Heaven. What greater earthly reward is there?

 

[1990Domer]

that’s beautiful. Well stated.

I also agree. My son is discerning a vocation, which makes me feel that all my trials and tribulations had a greater cause.

 

[Xantippe]

We have learned not to look at ourselves the way the secular world does and instead see the gifts God has provided along the way. It gets really old hearing advice on a Catholic forum that mirrors what is given by the rest of the world. Hire help, send your kids to child care/school, go see a therapist, avoid having so many kids, all of these things are what people can get from any website, neighbor, newspaper, or cashier at Walmart. What about Catholics assuring one another that living out our vocations actually isn’t being a baby factory and being a mom/dad is contributing to society in more significant ways than any other profession. How about reminding people that there is no shame in struggling but through those struggles we become who God intended for us to be. How about telling people that by bending our own will to match God’s will is what leads to the path of peace and joy and is so much less tiring than trying to make God see that our plans are much better than His. There are reasons why there are so many upper income moms with tons of outside help with only one or two kids that still are miserable and worn out while there are many low income moms that have more kids with no outside help that are happy and peaceful. The general world has always found us weird and has looked down on us, and now the Catholic world does too.

Here are some thoughts:

1. When did not having help from family, friends, community and professionals turn into a Catholic thing? Aren’t we the body of Christ? Aren’t we supposed to help each other?

Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:10 “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all men, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

1. Sometimes when everybody is saying something, it’s because it’s true (or close to true). In any case, it’s worth thinking about.
2. What the heck is wrong with seeing a therapist? There are Catholic therapists. In fact, one of my relatives is one. She does very good work and helps a lot of people.

Furthermore, probably dozens of regular posters on CAF have gone to therapists and benefited. Not every therapist is effective, but lots of them are.

1. My oldest child is on the autism spectrum. Over the years, probably literally dozens of good people have worked with her to make her the lovely young woman she is today: babysitters, teachers, psychologists, physical therapists, volunteers at the therapeutic riding ranch, student therapists at the autism center, you name it.

I couldn’t have done it as well by myself. And yes, those jobs are all very important to families like mine and yes, it has been very expensive.

 

[1990Domer]

And you’re happy to do it right?
i’ll wager every parish has a crew that would help out, if only someone asked.
And if they don’t, I see the beginnings of a beautiful ministry!

I admire his family. They were all successful in their own way. One even became s priest!

 

[Xantippe]

I agree with this part as well, and I’d also like to state I certainly don’t think it’s ideal to have parenting arrangements that cuts the father out of any significant role in their children’s lives, except as a financial provider and occasional disciplinarian.

Stories of men juggling three jobs to support their families, or even traveling away from them to get seasonal work, might sound heroic on the surface, but I’ve also known kids growing up in such families, where it was very difficult to tell the difference between such households, and those where the father was officially out of the picture, and the only involvement they had in their children’s lives, were sending child support checks. And as we’ve all seen with the advent of the welfare state, the government can cut that check too.

And unfortunately, in extreme cases, men who leave their families in search of extra cash to support them, wind up abandoning them and never coming back. I have heard this is unfortunately the case for many immigrant men, that they often start new families in the US and wind up abandoning their families back home.

Now, of course objectively such men are sinning. But touting models of marriage and fatherhood that state “A man should do everything possible to keep the mother of his kids for working outside the home at all” seem to set up many such situations.

Bear in mind that at least some of the time, when a guy does that stuff, it’s because that’s the lifestyle he prefers.

My dad is and was one of those guys (I counted today and he has 4-5 things going right now), but it’s now obvious that he’s choosing to do it because he totally doesn’t need to do it. He’s Social Security age and could probably do just fine with only one or two of his gigs, but juggling several things at the same time makes him happier. Some people are like that.

 

[Xantippe]

There is nothing in Catholic theology that asserts that people ignore the warning signs of depression, and mothers in crisis. The Church is all for mother’s mental health and stability, in order to be that perfect Catholic mom that you imagine we should all be.
Telling mothers who are crying out for understanding and sympathy that they should just let God handle everything without seeking proper medical help or assistance from friends and family is mean and irresponsible.
Nobody said anything about Catholic mothers being weird. That is your perception based on some sort of feeling that YOU are being attacked.
No one is talking about you.
But when a husband or a wife ignores the signs of a real crisis…that’s a recipe for disaster. So rather than make this into a theological discussion, how about a little genuine coping advice? I think most of the mothers on these boards pray ALOT. They are likely daily Mass go-ers. I don’t think they are confused about their faith.
but the fact remains, that a husband wouldn’t allow his car to run on bald tires, but one who ignore his wife’s “check engine light” isn’t being the husband and father that his vocation demands.
And a wife should fee free to tell him “honey, I can’t take it!” without being accused of going all “Secular” on the family.

Right.

One of my ongoing concerns is that I don’t think we as Catholics are doing a good job in educating engaged men in how to make sure that their wives are doing OK at home and what doing OK means.

It scares me to death all the stories I’ve seen and heard of postpartum depression where the new daddy seems to have no idea at all how dangerous a situation his family is in. I’ve been around one in real life where the husband thought his wife (an extraordinarily hard-working and dedicated woman) was shirking and that she ought to pull herself up by her psychological bootstraps.

And it really shouldn’t be difficult to get this across, what with premarital counseling and hospital baby classes. It shouldn’t keep happening–but it does.

 

[Xantippe]

you’re welcome.
Keep this in mind:
We can rely on God, indeed we should. But we have to COOPERATE with God and His grace.
Meaning, being clear on what the “must haves” are. What thing on your weekly to do list can wait until tomorrow?
When a child is sick, likely all of the things go to the side, as you focus on your beloved.
If you have support of family and friends (parishioners…are particularly good. Often, people whose grandchildren are far away in another state would LOVE to come by and snuggle with your baby while you tend to a sick toddler for example) is what allows you to be high functioning and sane.
And if it goes pear shaped? We’re not supposed to feel like we’ve failed. You are made in the image and likeness of God. We can’t all BE the Virgin Mary. We just have to emulate her charity, her peace, her patience, her love. This comes easy to most mothers. But the humongous pile of laundry and dealing with crushing bills and a car running on fumes? Not so much.
There’s no shame in seeking help. Even if you don’t want to see a Dr. about it, likely everyone will recommend time for yourself. There’s nothing that says it has to be selfish time. I can be time in Adoration. It can be a nap. It can be a walk at the mall with a cappuccino.
Take care of yourself. You children need you, and they need a mommy that is full of life, not hanging by a thread. I wish you lived near to me. I would so come and help out!
Peace!

Yes!

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

Bitterhope,
I am one of those struggling right now. I have reached a level of exhaustion that I never knew existed. I don’t know anything about income level vs. # of children and amount of help. Both your contributions and Xantippe’s contributions to this conversation are interesting to me. I am doing something that has never been done in my family before. We are also converts. I don’t know how to make it work. One side says that doing it all alone without help was never the norm so it makes sense that I would struggle and fail. You say that most people never had the luxury of help anyway and it sounds almost like your view is that those who struggle are selfish or something. Please correct me if I am wrong. All I know is that I wanted my larger family, I want to be a good wife and mother and homeschool parent, but I have no support and no models and very little sleep. Rather than being upset or offended by a thread such as this, could you perhaps share your hard-earned wisdom on how to make it work? Because I am drowning here and I need a lifeline.

A long time ago, someone gave me a book about being a mom (I don’t remember the title or author) One thing I did remember is PPD is fueled by exhaustion, and exhaustion mimics PPD.

I did have PPD after my first. I had a bad labor, and I had lost a lot of blood. Baby was colicky. I was alone in the house with him for so long. I felt that I was not capable to care for him. I would see mothers with more than one child, and literally be shocked that they could have another child.

One night, I had dozed off and I was convinced my mother had the baby. He was wailing and wailing and I thought my mom had him. She wasn’t even at my house. I had let him cry for I don’t know how long.

Tomorrow is Saturday. Will your DH be home?

If he is, tomorrow you allow yourself to nap for 3 hours. Laundry, homeschooling, housecleaning, all that can wait for 3 hours.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I agree with this part as well, and I’d also like to state I certainly don’t think it’s ideal to have parenting arrangements that cuts the father out of any significant role in their children’s lives, except as a financial provider and occasional disciplinarian.

Stories of men juggling three jobs to support their families, or even traveling away from them to get seasonal work, might sound heroic on the surface, but I’ve also known kids growing up in such families, where it was very difficult to tell the difference between such households, and those where the father was officially out of the picture, and the only involvement they had in their children’s lives, were sending child support checks. And as we’ve all seen with the advent of the welfare state, the government can cut that check too.

And unfortunately, in extreme cases, men who leave their families in search of extra cash to support them, wind up abandoning them and never coming back. I have heard this is unfortunately the case for many immigrant men, that they often start new families in the US and wind up abandoning their families back home.

Now, of course objectively such men are sinning. But touting models of marriage and fatherhood that state “A man should do everything possible to keep the mother of his kids for working outside the home at all” seem to set up many such situations.

This won’t be popular to some but if a parent (usually dad but not always)is working three jobs and never sees the kids so the other parent can stay at home this is selfishness on the part of the stay at home parent. Instead maybe they need to work (even if part time) or cut down on expenses. Children need both parents. Also, if the stay at home parent is depressed or miserable then maybe it’s not for them. My mom stayed at home until we went to school and she was miserable. For her she never should have been a stay at home mom but this was considered the right thing in the early 70’s if one could afford it.

I actually know stay at home dad and he’s one of the coolest guys I know. His wife is a teacher and they married late in life. Because they couldn’t have kids they became foster parents and later adopted a girl at 8 who had been their foster child. He’s been telling me a lot about adoption and it’s a cool story where he lost his full time job and is happier working contracting jobs while she’s in school.

Strangely I’ve never been crazy about being a SAHM but this topic came up recently with a guyfriend who is more than a friend (hard to explain this one). We were talking and he made a comment about me working from home. Then his mother made a comment that it’s not a big deal if I work outside the home. Granted they own a business so maybe they are thinking if we married I could work with him but it came out of left field. We probably wouldn’t have babies anyway being I’m 44 and he’s 53.