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Sarcelle
Guest
You noticed it too?
There are some here who have difficulty viewing women as autonomous beings but as accessories or appliances.
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There are some here who have difficulty viewing women as autonomous beings but as accessories or appliances.
X
Xantippe
Guest
Yes, please!
A long time ago, someone gave me a book about being a mom (I don’t remember the title or author) One thing I did remember is PPD is fueled by exhaustion, and exhaustion mimics PPD.
I did have PPD after my first. I had a bad labor, and I had lost a lot of blood. Baby was colicky. I was alone in the house with him for so long. I felt that I was not capable to care for him. I would see mothers with more than one child, and literally be shocked that they could have another child.
One night, I had dozed off and I was convinced my mother had the baby. He was wailing and wailing and I thought my mom had him. She wasn’t even at my house. I had let him cry for I don’t know how long.
Tomorrow is Saturday. Will your DH be home?
If he is, tomorrow you allow yourself to nap for 3 hours. Laundry, homeschooling, housecleaning, all that can wait for 3 hours.
X
Xantippe
Guest
I grew up with a dad that was normally doing 4 jobs at a time (for example ranch, tutoring, seasonal day job, helping with store–but it changed over the years). As I mentioned upthread, he’s currently got 4-5 gigs going right now and my mom is the primary person at the store (so that’s essentially a full time job for her, too), they’ve got Social Security and no kids at home, so it’s not a matter of him being overworked–as I realize now, it’s him being a workaholic. He exists in one of two states: working like a beaver outside the home or crashed on the sofa in the evening.
Lots of men would prefer to work three extra hours at work to doing an hour of housework or childcare. Of course, there must be women like that, too.
There’s also the case (which was true of my dad in younger years) where the reason a person is working 3+ jobs is that you need 3+ so-so part-time jobs to approximate the earning power of one actual decent job. Normally, when people work 3+ jobs any one of them (and maybe all of them put together) pays very little or is seasonal.
So it’s not necessarily the SAHM spouse being an ogress if dad is always working and doesn’t see the kids. 1) He may genuinely like his work better than home or 2) Logistically speaking, it may be the best call (for instance if the kids are breastfeeding or at an age where group care is like sticking them in a petri dish full of e Coli).
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Sarcelle
Guest
Seriously speaking, I would rather work three jobs than be at home taking care of toddlers. The tantrums I see at the store are bad enough but having to live with that 24/7, honest I don’t know how you Moms do it. Dealing with toddlers require an almost supernatural patience.
Good thing I’m not married.
B
Burt_Macklin
Guest
Taking care of toddlers is easy peasy. You just throw on a DVD or send them to their room if they start to throw a tantrum. And it isn’t as if they just throw tantrums for no reason, their either hungry, tired, bored, or sick. Or maybe I’m just blessed with my girls.
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Kelfa28
Guest
You are.
If it were this easy no one would be complaining.
My girls are definitely NOT this easy.
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pianistclare
Guest
Yes. Except the difference is, they won’t hesitate to call in the repairman when the appliance isn’t functioning well.
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
The list seems reasonable, “happy wife, happy life” has been my motto for quite some time. My wife is the homemaker so I view that she gets to decide where she makes that home. When we picked our house I just signed over power of attorney and told her to surprise me. If she’s happy I can adjust, and she’s the one who has to stay alone when I leave town. She picked a good neighborhood for her needs. Our neighbor drives the oldest to school so she doesn’t have to wake up the whole house at 6 and she has a friends to socialize with.
I’m not so sure that I agree that renting is the way to go. If you rent you do save on home repairs but you can’t deduct any property tax or mortgage interest. It might be a good idea if the job situation isn’t steady but otherwise I think owning is the way to go. And 100k seems a bit too high for me. I know I was comfortable at 54k and now that I eary 110k I feel that I have money to burn.
I’m not so sure that I agree that renting is the way to go. If you rent you do save on home repairs but you can’t deduct any property tax or mortgage interest. It might be a good idea if the job situation isn’t steady but otherwise I think owning is the way to go. And 100k seems a bit too high for me. I know I was comfortable at 54k and now that I eary 110k I feel that I have money to burn.
G
gardenswithkids
Guest
Okay, I have a bit of time to sit down and write some of my thoughts…
I don’t mean time in terms of minutes or hours–I mean time as in weeks, months and years.
Blooming takes time. I say that as both an experienced mother and as an experienced gardener. Let me share a bit about flowers. Yes, sometimes tulips or other bulbs can be forced into blooming indoors during winter. Some plants bloom in hot-houses when the outside environment would otherwise kill them. Growers often breed plants for repeat blooms. However, for the most part, flowers bloom naturally in their natives environments during particular times and then the blooms fade. Gardens are mostly just foliage, and sometimes just a dormant plant buried deep in the ground. Plants go through the seasons and it’s not natural for a plant to be in constant bloom.
Expecting mothers to be in a state of “constant bloom” is just as unnatural as expecting a rose bush to be in a state of constant bloom. We set up husbands and wives for disappointment by failing to teach them that very few people “bloom” continually in every stage of life. Sometime survival is good enough. In time, we’ll bloom.
To any mother struggling right now, I encourage you to plant some bulbs. Tulips are great, but they need a freeze plus deer like to eat them, so maybe try daffodils or some other type of bulb that grows in your region. (Crocuses are also nice because they’re one of the first to come up and in spring.) Do it with your toddlers and your children. Bulbs are generally kind of ugly and if you didn’t know any better, you wouldn’t think much of bulbs. Put them in the dirt. Then wait. You might even forget you ever even planted them. Autumn will come and go. Winter will come. They will sit in the ground, doing nothing except surviving (or perhaps not surviving but instead feeding some hungry rabbits or other wildlife.) If they survive, you will have green things pop up in spring. It won’t bloom right away, but you’ll get blooms in time. The blooms will give you joy! For a short while. They will last maybe a week or two, then fade. The foliage will hang around for a while before dying and looking ugly, and then it will go away. And depending on your climate and a variety of other things, you might get more blooms the next year. Or maybe not.
Jesus told us to consider the lilies of the field. Consider them. And when life gets overwhelming, consider what lilies and bulbs look like when they aren’t in bloom.
We don’t have to bloom all the time. Blooming constantly is natural for neither plants nor women. What we* need *to do is survive. And if we survive long enough we can eventually bloom when it’s our time to bloom.
:flowers:
(And to any men reading this who want to help your wives “bloom”: bring them flowers. And chocolate. And if you get a chance, make your wife a cup of coffee in the morning. And then wait and watch to see how that kind of care helps your wife bloom–eventually, in time.)
Besides the obvious omission of chocolate and coffee, the blogger neglected to mention something else that is essential for a SAHM to "not just survive but bloom:** time**.
I don’t mean time in terms of minutes or hours–I mean time as in weeks, months and years.
Blooming takes time. I say that as both an experienced mother and as an experienced gardener. Let me share a bit about flowers. Yes, sometimes tulips or other bulbs can be forced into blooming indoors during winter. Some plants bloom in hot-houses when the outside environment would otherwise kill them. Growers often breed plants for repeat blooms. However, for the most part, flowers bloom naturally in their natives environments during particular times and then the blooms fade. Gardens are mostly just foliage, and sometimes just a dormant plant buried deep in the ground. Plants go through the seasons and it’s not natural for a plant to be in constant bloom.
Expecting mothers to be in a state of “constant bloom” is just as unnatural as expecting a rose bush to be in a state of constant bloom. We set up husbands and wives for disappointment by failing to teach them that very few people “bloom” continually in every stage of life. Sometime survival is good enough. In time, we’ll bloom.
To any mother struggling right now, I encourage you to plant some bulbs. Tulips are great, but they need a freeze plus deer like to eat them, so maybe try daffodils or some other type of bulb that grows in your region. (Crocuses are also nice because they’re one of the first to come up and in spring.) Do it with your toddlers and your children. Bulbs are generally kind of ugly and if you didn’t know any better, you wouldn’t think much of bulbs. Put them in the dirt. Then wait. You might even forget you ever even planted them. Autumn will come and go. Winter will come. They will sit in the ground, doing nothing except surviving (or perhaps not surviving but instead feeding some hungry rabbits or other wildlife.) If they survive, you will have green things pop up in spring. It won’t bloom right away, but you’ll get blooms in time. The blooms will give you joy! For a short while. They will last maybe a week or two, then fade. The foliage will hang around for a while before dying and looking ugly, and then it will go away. And depending on your climate and a variety of other things, you might get more blooms the next year. Or maybe not.
Jesus told us to consider the lilies of the field. Consider them. And when life gets overwhelming, consider what lilies and bulbs look like when they aren’t in bloom.
We don’t have to bloom all the time. Blooming constantly is natural for neither plants nor women. What we* need *to do is survive. And if we survive long enough we can eventually bloom when it’s our time to bloom.
:flowers:
(And to any men reading this who want to help your wives “bloom”: bring them flowers. And chocolate. And if you get a chance, make your wife a cup of coffee in the morning. And then wait and watch to see how that kind of care helps your wife bloom–eventually, in time.)
J
jmjZelie
Guest
He let me sleep in for four extra child-free hours this morning (Saturday). I feel better this morning. And I am not doing a stitch of housework until after my coffee and shower.A long time ago, someone gave me a book about being a mom (I don’t remember the title or author
I did have PPD after my first. I had a bad labor, and I had lost a lot of blood. Baby was colicky. I was alone in the house with him for so long. I felt that I was not capable to care for him. I would see mothers with more than one child, and literally be shocked that they could have another child.
One night, I had dozed off and I was convinced my mother had the baby. He was wailing and wailing and I thought my mom had him. She wasn’t even at my house. I had let him cry for I don’t know how long.
Tomorrow is Saturday. Will your DH be home?
If he is, tomorrow you allow yourself to nap for 3 hours. Laundry, homeschooling, housecleaning, all that can wait for 3 hours.
J
jmjZelie
Guest
I am glad you are blessed, but, no, taking care of toddlers is NOT easy peasy. I cannot just throw on a DVD or send them to their room. And yes, they often throw tantrums for no reason, such as when I get out the white milk from the fridge and they want chocolate milk and I am holding the chocolate milk powder in my other hand, narrating as I always do that first I must get the white milk and then I must put in the chocolate milk powder to make it chocolate milk. Oh, the horror when that jug of milk comes out of the fridge and it is not instant chocolate!!!
Just addressing hunger, bathroom issues, tiredness, boredom, and health is not enough to prevent tantrums in our house. Our toddler wakes up screeching and does it All. Day. Long. Our family is exhausted by her behavior. We are working very hard to help her but it is very slow going. She has no health issues or developmental issues. It is just her temperament so far as we can tell.
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pianistclare
Guest
This made me giggle.
She’s exhausted, ready to throw in the towel, and you just gave her another chore.
Flowers are good. They lift our spirits on the dreariest day.
Bulbs are a nice surprise indeed. No fuss. Maybe the children could dig little holes? Nice science project.
But it cracked me up.
Peace!
T
TeachCatechism
Guest
Maybe but the cases I know are situations where the parent is working several jobs so the other doesn’t work outside the home. It’s one thing being a workaholic (which to me is a bad idea if someone has kids no matter the gender) but another because they have to. Then yes the stay at home parent is selfish. Maybe they could do something as simple as work on weekends. I don’t have kids but given the choice between working extra at work or doing housework I’d choose work. Many people would, including working outside the home moms.
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TeachCatechism
Guest
The problem is so many don’t deal with it. I’ve been places where there are brats and the parents ignore. Obviously I don’t know if the parents are home or not, but this is disrespectful to the other people at the store, restaurant etc. I’ve known quite a few stay at home parents and many of them don’t really raise the kids, they use it as an excuse not to work and it’s despicable. The parents whether working outside the home or not need to stress manners because I don’t want to hear screaming, or get things thrown at me while out.
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pianistclare
Guest
Just as it’s good for moms to get out, it’s also good for kids to get out.
Social cues as to what is acceptable can be learned, but it’s also observed.
My children didn’t misbehave when we went somewhere, because I didn’t permit it.
But also, they were shocked at what their peers often did. they’d say “mama, that boy is REALLY naughty!”
When you spend all your time at home, with no social interaction, the kids don’t have a chance to work through what is allowed and what isn’t. Because a lot of leeway is often allowed at home, especially with an exhausted mom. “As long as their isn’t on fire” sort of exhaustion.
All the more reason to have outside interests, at least a small circle of good friends with similar values, and fresh air.
But that’s not really what the tread is about…
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TeachCatechism
Guest
Well, that’s where the parents come in. They need to teach the kids how to act. The kids once they are old enough for school should be getting (one would hope)social interaction there.Just as it’s good for moms to get out, it’s also good for kids to get out.
Social cues as to what is acceptable can be learned, but it’s also observed.
My children didn’t misbehave when we went somewhere, because I didn’t permit it.
But also, they were shocked at what their peers often did. they’d say “mama, that boy is REALLY naughty!”
When you spend all your time at home, with no social interaction, the kids don’t have a chance to work through what is allowed and what isn’t. Because a lot of leeway is often allowed at home, especially with an exhausted mom. “As long as their isn’t on fire” sort of exhaustion.
All the more reason to have outside interests, at least a small circle of good friends with similar values, and fresh air.
But that’s not really what the tread is about…
J
jmjZelie
Guest
That was my first thought, too!
This made me giggle.
She’s exhausted, ready to throw in the towel, and you just gave her another chore.
Flowers are good. They lift our spirits on the dreariest day.
Bulbs are a nice surprise indeed. No fuss. Maybe the children could dig little holes? Nice science project.
But it cracked me up.
Peace!
But I loved her analogy and read her whole post aloud to my husband.
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Xantippe
Guest
The store is probably one of the worst place for toddler behavior, so they’re not necessarily behaving like that 24/7.
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Xantippe
Guest
Right.Yes. Except the difference is, they won’t hesitate to call in the repairman when the appliance isn’t functioning well.
P
pianistclare
Guest
Still way off topic.
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