Catholic Jokes

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A young man goes to confession. While in the confessional he confesses to fornication. The priests asks for the woman’s name. “Oh, father. I can’t give that information.”
“You must confess everything to be forgiven,” says the priest.
“No, father, I can’t give the name of the woman.”
Says the priest, “Was it Sarah Johnson?”
“No, father, don’t ask for her name,” says the young man.
“Was it Mary Finney?” asks the increasingly indignant priest.
“No. Father, please stop!”
“It must be that loose Margaret O’Flynn!” cries the priest.
“Father, please. Just give me my penance and I’ll go,” asks the young man. And so the priest gives the young man his penance and sends him on his way.
Outside the church the young man met his friend who asked how his confession went. Said the young man, “I was given penance and three good prospects!”
 
A rake of a man chose not to mend his ways since he enjoyed his licentious life too much and resigned himself to hell. Upon his death he arrived at the pearly gates and there was St. Peter welcoming him to heaven.

“Hold it,” said the man. “I think I’m in the wrong place. You better check your records, St. Peter.”

“Oh, we don’t keep records,” said St. Peter. “Everyone gets into heaven. Come in.”

Just inside the gates the man saw a group of priests kicking each other repeatedly, so he turned to St. Peter and asked why they were doing that. St. Peter replied, “Oh, they thought we kept records, too.”
 
There was a middle-aged woman who had a severe heart attack. She was rushed to hospital and, as she lay dying, she had an experience of God. “How much longer do I have to live?” she asked him.

God thought for a moment. “Forty years, seven months twelve days and four hours”, he replied.

The woman was so delighted to hear of the long life that lay ahead of her that, when she recovered from her heart attack, she decided to stay in hospital for a while longer. She had cosmetic surgery on her face to make her look younger. She had some of the fat cut away so that she looked slimmer. Further surgery took away the folds of fat from her stomach. Then she called for a hairdresser and had her hair dyed a different colour.

On the way home from hospital, the woman was knocked over and killed by an ambulance. When she reached Heaven, she was very angry with God. “You said I had so many years left to live. Why did you let me die now?” “Well, you had so much surgery,” God replied, “that I didn’t recognise you.”
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norseman82
A priest is driving back from a sick call and his car breaks down in front of a bar. His cell phone battery dead, he has to go into the bar to use the phone to call for assistance. Inside, he sees one of his parishoners, Joe, depressed and drunk. he asks Joe what was wrong, and Joe told of a story of how he lost his job and his life savings and his wife was about to leave him.
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The priest responded: “Joe, drinking never solves anyone’s problems. You need to have faith and read the bible. I bet that the first page you turn to, you will find an answer to your problems in life.”
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Six months later Joe is at mass. He is well dressed and well groomed, and drove to mass in a brand new Mercedes. After mass, the priest walks up to Joe and remarks, “Joe, six months ago you were on your last leg, but now look at you! How did you accomplishthis remarkable turnaround?”
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Joe responds, “Well, I remember what you told me at the bar, that instead of the bottle I should pick up the bible and I would find my answers. So I did what you said - I picked up the bible and opened it to a page, and sure enough, the answer was staring right at me - CHAPTER 11!”
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vince2paul said:
Erm… dont get it.
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Chapter 11 is a bankruptcy filing. As in “We’re broke, so we’re filing under Chapter 11.”
 
So the new Catholic priest is awakened and told that he has to substitute for the pastor, who’s been taken ill. He rushes over to the church, where a baptism is supposed to be happening at that very moment.

When he arrives, the baptism begins. But, when he gets to the actual part of naming the child, he panics: he doesn’t know the family, and he forgot to ask the child’s name! So he quietly asks the father “What’s her name?” The father responds “Spindonna.” “What?” “Spindonna.”

The priest is originally from Boston, and he’s stationed in rural Georgia, so he figures that Spindonna must be a traditional Southern name. Although he loathes the name, he knows he’s been kind of snobbish about Southerners, which he really needs to get over. So, mentally gulping, he solemnly intones, “Spindonna, I baptise you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” and continues with the baptism rite.

When it’s over and they’ve left the sanctuary, the parents confront the priest, angrily asking why he christened the child with that terrible name. Confused, the priest says, “I don’t understand. I asked you the child’s name, and you said ‘Spindonna.’ What were you trying to say?”

The father, red in the face, goes nose to nose with the priest, grabs a nametag pinned to the child’s baptismal garment, and slowly shouts, “It’s … pinned … on … her!” And so it is: “Susan Grace.”
 
Many centuries ago, in the heart of Europe during the Middle Ages, a certain cathedral had a serious problem: it was infested with rats. The bishop of that diocese was trying to get rid of the rats, but nothing seemed to work. His final attempt was to get a cat and let it loose in the cathedral. Although this was satisfying, it didn’t work very well; any parishioner who saw the cat immediately grabbed it and threw it outside, because they felt that a cat did not belong in a church.

Finally, though, the bishop hit upon a solution. The problem was that the people felt a cat should not be in a church, so he solved it by making it clear that the cat was welcome. The next Sunday, as Mass began, the choir led the usual procession down the main aisle of the cathedral, followed by altar boys, acolytes, the bishop, and … a sacristan holding a silk pillow, on which sat the cat.

As the procession reached the altar and everyone scattered to their various places for the Mass, the sacristan placed the pillow on the steps leading to the altar, allowing the cat to roam freely throughout the cathedral – thus demonstrating to the people that the cat was permitted to be in the cathedral.

Time passed on. The rat population decreased tremendously. As the years passed, the bishop, already old when he got the cat, passed away. So too did the sacristan and, eventually, the cat.

But the pillow was carried in the processional for another 300 years.
 
A Catholic boy and an Anglican boy were walking together downtown. The Catholic kid, mistaking an Anglican minister for a priest, said, “Hi Father.”

The Anglican child replied scornfully, “He’s not a father–he has four kids!”
 
The Good Wife

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “I would like to propose a toast to you! Honey, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?”

“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. And her husband looked into her eyes and said, “I think you’re bad luck.”
 
Pet Peeve

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a millipede (1000-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home and found a good location for the box.

He decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today, to pray and worship the Lord.” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings.” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me we will have a good time!”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”
 
One Sunday, after the Gospel reading as usual, a priest in a big city parish stood up to give his homily. Clearing his throat he said, “Many people in many churches across America feel that Confession is below them, or that it is no longer relevant. In order to show how relevant this Sacrament is I’ve decided to revert to the earliest form - public confession. Taped underneath each pew is a list of the parishoners who’ve recently attended Confession and the sins they’ve confessed to.”

There was an uproar as ten or twelve parishoners dove underneath their pews, knocking small children and the elderly aside. Finding nothing, they sat back down, confused.

“If you didn’t dive underneath a pew as if your life depended on it,” the priest went on, “THEN YOU NEED TO GET TO CONFESSION!”
 
Asked why he gave up his tomb, Joseph Arimathea quipped: “Based on Jesus’ pronouncements, it was clear it will only be for the week-end!”
 
A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.

“Rabbi,” he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don’t know what to do. I raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason with him!"The Rabbi answers: “Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don’t know what to tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights.”

To two men started praying: “Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue. Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?”

A thundering voice responds: “WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!”
 
“Tavern vs Church”

The story is told of a man who got a permit to open
the first tavern in a small town. The members of a
local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so
they began to pray that God would intervene.

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open,
lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground.
The people of the church were surprised but pleased
  • until they received notice that the would-be tavern
    owner was suing them.
He contended that their prayers were responsible
for the burning of the building. They denied the
charge.

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge
wryly remarked, “At this point I don’t know what my
decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner
believes in the power of prayer and these church
people don’t.”
 
My first Parish Priest shared this one with our family when I was growing up…

A crowd gathered around a prostitute ready to stone her.
Jesus enters the circle and says
“You without sin cast the first stone!”
All of a sudden from the back of the crowd comes a rock
and strikes Jesus in the head. Jesus replied,

“Knock it off Mother.” 🙂

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
 
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!” But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check it’s contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!!!”
 
TRUE STORY:
My 16 year old daughter was looking for a joke to open with during a youth retreat talk she was asked to give. “Who is Jesus Christ”

She went to her brother and asked, “You go to a Catholic school, do you know any Jesus jokes?”

My 10 year old son quickly responded, “In Catholic school, we don’t talk about Jesus! …jokes, we don’t talk about Jesus jokes.”

She used this story to open her talk…😃
 
Joseph_Bilodeau said:
Dearest children,

I do not want to repeat Myself, so pay attention! I do not have any favorites among My children. I love you all perfectly and infinitely. But your squabbling is setting a bad example for everyone who hears you, SO KNOCK IT OFF!

Love,

God OFM Conv.
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LOL… yeah I’ve seen that joke before but the punchline was different. It said “God, F.S.S.P.”

😃
 
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