Catholic Jokes

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Poisson

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I would like to hear some good Catholic jokes. (nothing crude or disrespectful of the faith please)

I found this on on catholic-pages.com:
*Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.
St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.
He then points at Rahner and says “Karl! In my office…” After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter’s office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like “Oh God, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry…never knew…” He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.
St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung’s direction and “Hans! You’re next…” After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like “Oh God, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry…never knew…” He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.
Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, “Joseph, your turn.” TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying “Oh God, that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done…” *
:ROFLMAO:
 
Q: What do you call a sleep-walking nun?

A: A roamin’ Catholic!

:ROFLMAO:
 
Q: What is the difference between a liturgist and a terrorist?

A: You can always negotiate with a terrorist
 
God sent the Church liturgists so that a Church that does not know persecution, would know torment.
 
How about this one? An old Irishman, McDougal, had a loyal and faithful dog who died. McDougal went to his parish priest and asked, “Father, could you say some prayers in Mass for my dog?” The old pastor said, “McDougal, you know very well that we don’t pray for animals at Mass. Why don’t you go down to that Baptist church and ask them? I’m sure they’ll do it.” “Well, ok, Father, I think I’ll do just that. Oh, by the way, do you think they’ll be offended if I offered them $5,000 to pray for my dog?”

Father exclaimed, “Why, McDougal, you never said your dog was Catholic!”
 
Here are a few jokes that didn’t seem so bad. I got them from a Catholic kensmen website, but only a few of them seemed all right and not unkind. I hope that I got the ones that are fine. Let me know if you think otherwise and I will take them out if possible.
  1. Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, “Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone.”
The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, “I really hate it when you do that, Mom.”
  1. The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, “Please?” The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who’s more important than the president?

Cop: I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope driving for him!
  1. A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he’s kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. “Yes” is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.
An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says “Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama,” goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says “Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They’ve got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!”
  1. Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes,” said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a silly name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What crazy guy named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same crazy guy who named the Doberman Jesus.”
  1. Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he’s ever had.
After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”

Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”

Father turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be…”

“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk…”
 
  1. Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.
He said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic.”

The priest said, “But that’s not a sin! I wouldn’t feel bad about that if I were you!”

“But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed.”

The priest said, “Well, I admit that certainly wasn’t the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life – but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don’t worry about it too much; God forgives.”

The man said, “Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you – Do I have to tell him the war is over?”
  1. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
  1. The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don’t sell that cow.
 
When I use to live in Florida, our Pastor would start off every sermon with a joke. I wish that I had wrote them down since most of them were pretty good. Unfortunately I didn’t and no longer remember most of them. However, here is one that I do recall …

*… In a small village where most people knew most people, there lived a “bad” man given to fighting, drinking, etc. The local pastor was trying in vain to get the man to return to the faith and change his ways for the better but after many years, it seemed like a lost cause.

Then one day, much to his amazement, the pastor saw the man in church for Sunday services and he stayed for the entire service. Thinking that all these years of lecturing the man had finally had some positive effect, the pastor walked up to the man after services and commented on how glad he was to see him in church and asked him what finally brought him back to the faith.

The man replied that he had recently acquired a new hat but had misplaced it and was unable to find it. However, he had hear that the Town Constable had the exact same hat in the exact same size & color. So he had planned to come to church and when the Constable went up for Communion leaving his hat behind, he would grab the hat and leave.

The Pastor, seeing that the man did not have the Town Constable’s hat in his possession, asked what changed the man’s mind about taking the man’s mind. The man replied that it was something that the Pastor had said during his sermon.

Feeling proud of himself, the Pastor asked “Was it when I was explaining the ten commandments about not stealing?” and the man replied, “No, it was a little bit later when you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife’”.

Confused, the Pastor asked “how did THAT keep you from taking the Constable’s hat?” and the man replied “That’s when I remembered where I left my hat!”*
 
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Poisson:
I would like to hear some good Catholic jokes. (nothing crude or disrespectful of the faith please)

I found this on on catholic-pages.com:

:ROFLMAO:
 
**At the end of easter Mass wiches his parishioners a merry christmas, since that will be the next time he sees them:( **
 
Some Catholic school kids were asked questions about the Bible. Here are some of their actual, unedited responses:

+Adam and Eve wre created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called JOan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animas came on to in pears.
+Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
+Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
+The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
+The seventh commandment is though shalt not admit adultery.
+Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then joshua led he Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
+The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
+David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
+Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wived and 700 porcupines.
+When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
+Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
+Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained “a man doth not live by sweat alone”
+The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
+One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
+St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
+Christians have only one spouse. This is called monontony.

Gotta Love the little ones!
 
who was the most successful businessman inthe bible?

Noah- He floated stock while eveybody else was liquidated
 
Did you know that the first automobile was in Genesis?

God drove Adam & Eve out of the garden of Eden in a Fury.
 
There was a Priest that was about to retire. When his replacement showed up he thought he should warn the new Priest that the Churches buildings had a rat problem that they tried for years to get rid of.

One day the retired Priest asked the new Priest how the rat problem was. He answered, oh I fixed that long ago. The retired Priest asked how? The new Priest said After I Baptised them I never saw them again.
 
The first basbell game is also in the book of Genesis. You know, it starts out:

“In the Big Inning…”

:ROFLMAO:
 
Here is a cute one our priest told me recently.

Once a long time ago, there was a particular monastery which had a rule of silence. It was the most severe of monasteries which allowed the candidates to only speak two words per year to the Rector.

One particular candidate suffered the silence for the first year with difficulty but he thought hard about what he would say. On the first anniversary he came to the Rector and said his two treasured words. “Bed Hard”

The second year he again came to the Rector with his two well thought out words on the anniversary of his coming into the monastery. He said: “Food Cold”.

The third year he came to the Rector and again with much thought and prayer gave his two word response" “I Quit”.

The Rector replied: “I’m certainly not surprised. All you have done since you got here is complain.”
 
  1. Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, “Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone.”
The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.
Jesus looks over and says, “I really hate it when you do that, Mom.”
LOL that is great.
 
Heard this from a priest…

There was a very rich man who was about to die. He made his wife promise to put a chest full of gold in the attic so he could grab it on his way to heaven. That night the man passed on.

The next morning the wife and son went to the attic to check on the chest of gold, and they found it right where they left it the day before. The wife sighed and said, “The old codger, I told him I should have put it in the basement”
 
On his deathbed, an old man tells his wife that he wants to buried with his life’s savings. He asks her to take all of his money and put it in his casket with him. He makes her promise to do so. On the day of his funeral, she takes a shoebox up to her husband’s casket and places it inside. As she is leaving, her good friend points out that it is a bad idea to bury the couple’s life savings. The wife replies that she is a good catholic and she keeps her promises. Her friend asks how she plans to live with no money. She tells her friend, “I think I’ll be just fine, I wrote him a check.”
 
A Navy warship was on patrol when the lookout spotted a signal fire on a nearby deserted island. The captain sent some members of the crew were to investigate and on the island they found a man and three grass huts.

One of the sailors asked the man how he got there and he explained, “I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck.”

Another one of the sailors asked the man about the three grass huts and he said, “I built them myself. The one on the right is where I live and the one on the left is where I go to church.”

The sailors asked him about the third hut and he replied, “Oh, well, that was where I used to go to church.”

It is really a Protestant joke but I would guess that parish-hopping is not entirely unknown to Catholics…

-C
 
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