Catholic Jokes

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There was a small neighborhood nearby the local Church that was made up entirely of Catholics. One day, a Baptist man named Bob moved in. He was a very friendly person, and the Catholics had no problem at all with him. That is, until Lent.

On every Friday during lent, as the Catholics would eat their fish and chips or tuna sandwiches, the smell of sizzling steak would rise from the grill in Bob’s backyard. Needless to say, the smell was very tempting. Finally, some of the neigbors got together to try and do something about it. They decided the most charitable thing to do would be to talk to Bob and see if they could convince him to convert to Catholicism. Seeing how genuine and kind his neighbors were, Bob decided to join the Church.

At his conversion, the priest sprinkled some holy water on Bob and said “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.” Everyone was overjoyed at his conversion, and especially at the fact that they would no longer be tempted on Fridays during Lent!

But the very next year, on the first Friday in Lent, the smell of steak began wafting through the neighborhood again. All the Catholics got together and decided it must be Bob and went over to see if he had forgotten it was Friday. They arrived just in time to see him sprinkling water over his steak and saying:

“You were born a cow, and you were raised a cow, but now you are a fish.”
A priest was giving a talk before an interfaith community group. A Presbyterian pastor asked him if he were going to give a Baptist, Presbyterian, or Catholic message. Puzzled, the priest asked him what he meant. The minister replied, "the Baptist begins with The Bible says. . ., the Presbyterian begins with Well I think that . . ., and the Catholic message begins the Church has always held that . ." The priest responded that he would indeed give a Catholic message.
I think I found this one on an Irish Catholic joke site some time ago:

Once upon a time the Lord God went out on patrol of heaven just to make sure that it was still a city that worked. Everything was fine, the hedges trimmed, the grass cut, the fountains clean, the gold and silver and ivory polished, the mall neat (Of course they have a mall in heaven. Where else would they put the teenagers!). He stopped by to listen to the angel choirs sing and they were in great form. Then on one of the side streets he encountered people who had no business being in heaven, at all…at all. Some of them should have been serving a long sentence in purgatory, others would not get out until the day before the Last Judgement, still others would make it into heaven only on very special appeal.
So he went out to complain to St. Peter, “You’ve let me down again,” he said, “and yourself with the keys of the kingdom of heaven.”
“I have not,” said St. Peter.
“Well, how did they get in?” asked God.
“I didn’t let them in,” replied St. Peter.
God asked, “Well, who did?”
St. Peter warned, “You won’t like it.”
God insisted,“I have a right to know how they got in.”
St. Peter finally explained, “Well, I turned them down and didn’t they go around to the back door and didn’t your mother let them in!” :getholy:

(Theologically this story of course is nonsense. But as a story it shows Mary’s role as reflecting the maternal love of God).
Ss Dominic, Francis of Assisi and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the nativity of Our Lord.

St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.

St Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.

St Ignatius of Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks “Have you given any thought to the boy’s education?”

A Protestant minister is on vacation and decides to go sailing…the weather gets nasty, the boat hits a rock and breaks to pieces… the minister, fighting for his life by clinging to wood, begins to pray…“Dear God, you know I beleive wholeheartedly in you… and I know you will come to my rescue…SAVE ME” O Lord"!.. a few moments later, a guy comes by on a jet ski and offers assistance… the minister declines saying that he is awaiting the Lord to save him… Jet skier, shrugs and drives off… Minister prays…“Lord, I have FAITH in your ways… I believe I will have a miracle story to share with others…SPARE ME O LORD so that I may glorify your name”!; as he gurgles on salt water lapping over him… a few moments later, another jet ski comes by and offers to save the minister… again, he declines, stating that he is waiting for the Lord to save him cause he is his PERSONAL SAVIOUR… as soon as the Jet skier drives off, a big wave comes, knocks the Protestant Minister from the wood he was clinging to and takes him under… the minister drowns… next thing he knows, he is walking towards the Lord, and is very upset…“Lord, I have dedicated my life to you, I saved so many souls for you…I have proclaimed you my personal saviour… I believed in you and called out for help… but you never saved me …WHY”?

…to which the Lord replied replied…“who the heck do you think sent the 2 guys on Jet Skis”???
An Athiest was walking through the woods when he was attacked by a bear. The bear was on top of him and just about to swipe him with a claw when the Athiest asked God for help. The woods became still and the bear froze. Then he heard a voice say “You deny me your whole life and now you ask for my help?” The Athiest said “well atleast make this bear a Catholic ok?” The voice answerd “Done”

Time started again. The bear sat back, looked at the man then made the sign of the cross and started saying “Bless us oh Lord and these thy gifts…”
Mrs. Kelly would always put a roast in the oven on Sunday morning before she and her husband went to the 11:00 o’clock Mass, and by the time they got home, the roast would be done.
One Sunday morning the Mass was going to be said by a famous priest visiting the parish, one known for his eloquent oratory, so when Mr. & Mrs. Kelly arrived, the church was packed. An usher found a place for Mrs,. Kelly in a pew at the rear, but Mr. Kelly had to make do with a folding chair up front near the pulpit.
During the sermon, as the priest was launching into his second hour, Mrs. Kelly began to worry about her roast. Not wishing to miss any of this beautiful sermon, she scribbled a note on a s**** of paper, gave it to an usher, and pointed to her husband up front, indicating that the usher give it to him. But the usher, misunderstanding her, gave it to the priest in the pulpit .
The priest opened the note, read it, turned pale, and hurriedly left the pulpit and continued the Mass.
Afterward, in the rectory, the pastor asked him what had happened to make him end his sermon so abruptly. “It was that poison pen note I got, Father,”
he explained. “Poison pen?” asked the pastor, shocked “What did it say?”
“It said, ‘Go home and shut off the gas.’”
Catholic nun…Sister Mary Holywater is asking her students what they wanna be when they grow up…“A doctor”! says one… a teacher like you sister"! says another… and what about you Janie, says the sister to the little girl not raising her hand, and was noted for being the class rebel…what do YOU wish to be says the nun… “I wanna be a PROSTITUTE teacher”! WHAT???.. did… you… say …young lady??? said the gasping sister… “I said I wanna be a PROSTITUTE”! came the reply again from little Janie… “oh dear, said the nun…for a moment there I thought you said you wished to be a PROTESTANT”! 😃
Then there was the Franciscan friary next-door to a Jesuit house. One member in each house was, even in this day and age, a smoker, but of course they were now restricted to smoking out of doors. From this circumstance developed a comraderie between the two, to the extent that they would even meet between their houses to pray the Divine Office together while puffing away.

Eventually their consciences began to nag at them, and each agreed to ask his confessor what to do.

The next day, the Franciscan was downcast, and told his friend: “I asked my confessor if it was a sin to smoke while I’m praying, and he told me it was a terrible and wicked thing that I must stop immediately.”

The Jesuit comforted: “Ah, you asked the wrong question: I asked my confessor if it was a sin to pray while I’m smoking, and he was all in favor of it!”
There was an Irishman who moved to a remote villiage for work, the kind of place where everyone knew everyone. The first Friday after work, he went to the pub, ordered three pints and sat in the corner for the next hour, quietly drinking. He then left without talking to anyone. This went on for several weeks, and the other regulars become curious. They eventually approached him and asked him why he sat by himself with three beers and never talked to anyone else.

“Well, I have two brothers. As we grew up, we always had a pint together on a Friday afternoon. Michael left for America and Jerry left for Australia, and we agreed that we would continue the tradition to remember each other. That’s why I sit by myself and drink a pint for each of us.”

The locals were quite impressed, and he became well known for his faithfulness to his brothers. A few months passed, and one Friday he bought only two pints before sitting down. Assuming the worst, a small delegation of locals came across and passed on their condolances on the loss of a brother.

The man looked startled for a moment and replied, “It’s not my brother, it’s me! I’ve given up drinking for Lent!”
An old man was approaching death, and prayed begging God to let him take his hoard of wealth with him. He prayed and prayed until finally the Lord agreed to let him. So he changed all his wealth into gold bricks and packed them in a suitcase.
After he died and arrived in heaven with his suitcase, St. Peter met him at the gate. “What’s in the suitcase?” asked St. Peter.
“Take a look,” the man replied.
St. Peter opened the suitcase, looked and said, “You brought pavement?”
Q: How do you get 4 nuns to curse openly?

A: Have a 5th one to shout “BINGO!”

One heavenly day as Jesus is strolling past the Pearly Gates, he sees St Peter, looking as if he hasn’t had a break in 1000 years. So Our Lord says, “Pete, take five. I’ll mind the gates for a while.”

So Jesus is greeting the new arrivals, everything is going fine, when on the infinite horizon a figure appears, approaching the gates. As he draws nearer, Jesus can see it is a stooped little old man carrying a tool-box.

There’s something familiar about this guy, He thinks, But how would it look if the omniscient Lord didn’t remember him? I’d better ask a few questions, and see if I know him.

“Old man,” says the Lord, “what was your profession on earth?”

The old man, indicating his tool-box, replies: “I was a carpenter”

“Old man, tell me: Did you have any children when you were on earth?”

The old man nods, “Yes. I had one son.”

Hmmm, thinks the Savior, a carpenter with one son… But still: I’d better make sure.

“Old man, can you tell me anything about the birth of your son?”

“Well,” smiles the old man, “most folks called it a miracle.”

Well, Jesus can’t hold back now. He grabs the old man in a great hug and shouts “Daddy! Daddy!”

And the bewildered old man stammers “…Pinnochio…!?”

Pat & Mary O’Loughlin had the blessing of dying together after 64 years of Holy Matrimony, and arriving in heaven as a couple.

After reviewing their lifetime together of holiness and piety, St. Peter decided to give them the orientation tour himself.

First he takes them to a huge mansion, beautiful with high plastered ceilings, marble floors, and exceptional decoration. He says to the couple, “Welcome to your new home in heaven!” Pat says, “This is too much, goodness gracious, how much does a house like this cost?”

St Peter replies, “Oh, don’t worry about cost. You are in heaven now. You’ve earned it. Here, come around back and I’ll show you the golf course that backs up to you house.” Pat & Mary follow along speechlessly. St. Peter says, “Now come with me over here and I’ll show you the Heavenly Country Club.” They walk into a beautiful and impressive clubhouse that would put even the most exclusive clubs on earth to shame. As St. Peter starts waxing on about their club membership, Pat interrupts with the question, “My goodness, how much does this cost?” St Peter pauses, and says, “Oh Pat, this is heaven, remember? I don’t think you get it. It doesn’t cost anything. It is your just reward. Here, let’s walk over to the dining room and have some lunch.”

After they sit down and get ready to order, St. Peter says, “And let me tell you one of the best things about heaven. You can eat all sweets and fatty foods you want. Drink as much fine Irish whisky and smoke the finest Cuban cigars. You won’t gain any weight and you are unable to hurt your health. You are here for an eternity of enjoyment.”

At this, Pat turns to Mary and says, “D^mn you woman, if you hadn’t insisted on us eating that horrible oatmeal, granola, vegetables, and all your other health food nonsense, we could have been here 20 years ago!”
“Hello, is this Father Callahan?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Hi, this is John Davis and I work for the IRS. If you don’t mind, can you please answer a few questions for me?”

“Yes, I can.”

“Is there a man named Richard Martin in your parish?”

“Yes, there is.”

“Do you know this man personally?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did he recently make a $10,000 donation to the church?”

“Yes, he will.”
St. Anne’s was throwing a going-away party for their beloved pastor, Fr. Edward Grey, who was retiring after decades of devoted service to the parish. Congressman Ted Gallagher, the most publicly celebrated member of the parish, was supposed to present a brief speech honoring the priest, but had apparently gotten stuck in traffic and was running quite late.

Finally, the organizers of the party convinced Fr. Grey to say a few words, as it looked as though Congressman Gallagher wasn’t going to show up. “This has been a wonderful parish,” Fr. Grey said, “but I must admit that I was a little nervous at first. You see, my very first day here, decades ago, I was hearing confessions. As it turned out, the first person to come to me had done so many horrible things that I was just shocked. He was a mean drunk who had done everything from stealing from his employer to beating up his girlfriend. I was just horrified after hearing this confession that he would be the rule here, and not the exception. Fortunately, my fears were unfounded, and I’ve known many wonderful people here.”

Everyone in the parish hall applauded Fr. Grey enthusiastically. Just then, Congressman Gallagher arrived and, rushing to the head table, began his speech.

“When Fr. Grey first came here all those years ago, I had the great privilege to be the first person to go to him for Confession…”
The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “I know you are reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first.”

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony.”

“So,” asked the young priest, “what’s the problem?”

“Well,” said the elder priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But Father,” protests the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that !”

"I know, my son, but the flashing “Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell” neon sign really has to go!
Our pastor used this one as a lead-in to a homily (it worked well, though I don’t know that I could give the same homily)…

I was walking along a beach one weekend when I came upon a group of boys with fishing gear all gathered around a single fish, lying on the ground. I asked them what they were doing, and one of them replied “Well, Father, we’re deciding who gets the fish that we caught. Whoever tells the biggest lie gets the fish.”

I was dumfounded. I stood there for a minute, then I said to the boys “You know, when I was your age, I would never dream of telling a lie.”

They looked at each other, then one of the boys said “OK, Father, you win, you get the fish.”
My friend just sent me this one:

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse – a very long shot – won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which
horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last
race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern,the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes,ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead
last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I’ve lost my savings, thanks to you!!”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you Protestants you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”

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