Catholic Jokes

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[Rats! I was going to post the one about the priest and the protestant at the track! 😛 ]

Tell this one to nurses you know – They love it.

A doctor dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives, there is a long line of souls waiting to enter the Pearly Gates. The doctor goes to the head of the line and says to St Peter: “You can let me in. I’m a doctor.”

St Peter says, “That will curry no favoritism here. Go to the end of the line and wait your turn.” So the doctor goes to the end and waits.

For a week.

(He has all eternity, after all)

Growing impatient, he makes his way again to the front of the line: “St Peter – Really – You can let me in. I’m a doctor.”

“Go back to your place in line and wait your turn. If you’re so anxious to come in out of the void, you can always go to the other place!” :eek:

So the doctor goes back.

Then a figure appears on the infiinite horizon. As he approaches, it becomes apparent he is wearing a white coat, a stethoscope, one of those head-mirror things, and carrying a black bag. He does not give the line a second look, but proceeds right to the gates, where St Peter smiles and waves him in.

Our doctor is furious. He storms to the front of the line and complains: “What’s the deal!? I **told ** you I’m a doctor, but you wouldn’t let me cut in, then **this ** fellow comes along and you give him a pass! What’s the deal!?”

St Peter chuckles: “Sir, sir, please calm down. That wasn’t a doctor. That was God…”

“…He just thinks he’s a doctor.”

:rotfl:
 
*What do the Jesuits and Dominicans have in common? *

Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.

*What is different about the Jesuits and Dominicans? *

Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?
 
St. Paul’s Chain Letter To The Corinthians
  1. The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians. With charity
    all things are possible. This epistle comes to you from Philippi.
    Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter - providing you in turn send it on.
  2. This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the Gentiles or superstituous peoples of other denominations you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things. Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.
  3. While visiting the household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss.
    But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.
  4. Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.
  5. Do note the following: Crispus had the gift of prophecy, and
    understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so
    that he could remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing.
  6. In A.D. 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she spent a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible.
  7. Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. This chain never faileth.
St. Paul
 
Robert Simmons:
A priest was giving a talk before an interfaith community group. A Presbyterian pastor asked him if he were going to give a Baptist, Presbyterian, or Catholic message. Puzzled, the priest asked him what he meant. The minister replied, "the Baptist begins with The Bible says. . ., the Presbyterian begins with Well I think that . . ., and the Catholic message begins the Church has always held that . ." The priest responded that he would indeed give a Catholic message.
Click to expand...
:clapping: :dancing: :bowdown2:
 
Adam asked God: “God, that woman whom you gave me is pretty neat, but I have a couple of questions. First, you know she looks a little different from me: Why did you make her so soft and bumpy and curvy, why did you give her all that beautiful hair, why did you make her smell so nice?”

God replied: “My son, I gave her all of those qualities so that you would love her.”

Adam: “Well, yeah, she sure has that effect. Thanks! But, um, I did have that other question: Why did you make her so stupid?”

God: “My son, …I did that so ***she ** * would love you…”

:rotfl:
 
A cannibal went to the tribe’s witch doctor. “Doc, I’ve been feeling
lousy lately.”

“Hmmm,” replied the witch doctor. “Let’s review your diet. Are you eating man or animal?”

“Man, doc. We’re eating those Catholic missionaries we caught last week.”

“OK, tell me how you cook them.”

“Same way as always, doc. We boil them up in the big pot.”

“Hmmmm,” pondered the witch doctor. “Tell me more about these Catholic missionaries.”

“Well, funny thing, doc. They all look alike! They’re short, fat,
wear long robes, sandals, rope for belts, and are bald with a fringe of hair.”

“Well, that’s your problem right there,” responded the witch doctor.
“Those guys aren’t boilers! . . . They’re friars!”
 
True story: Our pastor once made the announcement on the Sunday before Christmas, “Please do not call the rectory to ask what time Midnight Mass begins.”
 
Two nuns were travelling in a car through Transylvania; suddenly Dracula jumped out in front of the vehicle.
Nun 1:‘Quick, show him your Cross’
Nun 2: ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU TOOTHY GET’

A nun was taking a bath when she heard a knock on the bathroom door,
Nun: ‘who is it’?
Voice: ‘I’m the blind man’
Nun: ‘Oh, please come on in’
Blind man: ‘O.k. where would you like me to put these blinds’

Yours in the Spirit

Pious 😃
 
A priest was invited to a woman’s house. Unfortunately, this woman was not known to be the most clean person around. The priest decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and accepted her invitation.

As they sat down to eat, the priest looked at the plates. They looked very dirty. “Maam”, he asked, are these plates clean?

“Why, Father”, she said, “they are as clean as Soap and Water can get them”

The Priest was sceptical, but he decided to accept the woman’s statement, as she was not a devious woman. They said grace and ate their meal, enjoying a good coversation.

At the end of the meal the woman collected the plates, and said, “I’ll just clean these right up”. She then opened the kitchen door and called, “Here Soap, here Water, snack time”
 
Hey, baltobetsy:

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed a missionary on the jungle trail?

:eek: :rotfl:
 
[Note: You really have to tell this one aloud]

Q: What is the pope’s phone number?

A: Eight-cum-spiri-two-two-oh

:rotfl:

[Explanation for the Latin-impaired: “*et cum spiritu tuo” (“and with your spirit”) is the Latin response to “Dominus vobiscum” (“The Lord be with you”)]
 
Okay, I haven’t seen this one here yet … my dad told me this joke. I’ll try to relay it as best I can!

A Baptist dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter greets him and starts to show him around the place … he says “here’s the pool, you can swim whenever you want … here’s a room with all the food you want, you can eat whatever you want, however much …” and he keeps touring the Baptist around. As they’re approaching one room however, St. Peter gets very serious and says “shh, be quiet as we go past here …” The Baptist asks why, and St. Peter says “that’s where the Catholics are – they think they’re the only ones up here!”

I thought it was funny … hopefully everyone else does too. Reminds me of a story my dad told me … this is true, and I think it’s kind of amusing. He said when he was younger he had a Protestant friend, and he would always let his friend use his best toys … his favorite trucks, planes, etc. My dad figured since his buddy was going to Hell, he should have a fun time on earth while he can. 🙂

That reminds me … happy Father’s Day to everyone! Peace.
 
Mr Smith went into the hospital for major surgery. In the recovery room, the nurse came in and said, “So Mr Smith, how will you be payin’ for your surgery?”

“I don’t know.” he said.

“Do you have any insurance?” the nurse asked.

“No”

“Do you have any money?” she asked.

“Not a penny” said he.

“Do you have any relatives who might be able to pay for this surgery?”

“Only my spinster sister in New Mexico, and she’s a nun.”

“Nuns aren’t spinsters sir, they’re married to God”, she said.

“Fine then”, said Mr Smith, “Send the bill to my Brother-In-Law.”
:rotfl:
 
Someone once said why was our Lord not born in Ireland ?

Because they couldn’t find 3 wise men :banghead:
 
40.png
hawkeye:
Someone once said why was our Lord not born in Ireland ?

Because they couldn’t find 3 wise men :banghead:
Click to expand...
Jesus is a true Irishman! Do 'ya want proof?
  1. He stayed at home till he was 30
  2. He never married
  3. The last thing he asked for was a drink!
And here’s a part of Matthew 26 translated from the original Gaelic.

Matthew 26
Right, The Son of Man t’will go, then; just as it 'tis written about hum. But woe to that 'edjit who betrays the Son of Man! Sur It t’would be better for him if he had ner been born."
Then Judas, the one who would betray him, said, “Cor blimey, guvna, turn it up!”
Click to expand...
 
Some religious (Franciscans, Dominicans, Carmelites, etc.) were discussing which of their Orders was God’s favorite. As sometimes hapens in such discussions among brothers it degenerated into an argument, and before very long God had had enough of it. He got their attention with a quick thunderclap, and while they were looking skyward they saw a piece of paper float down from the heavens. They then read the following:
Dearest children,

I do not want to repeat Myself, so pay attention! I do not have any favorites among My children. I love you all perfectly and infinitely. But your squabbling is setting a bad example for everyone who hears you, SO KNOCK IT OFF!

Love,

God OFM Conv.
Click to expand...
 
Joseph Bilodeau:
Some religious (Franciscans, Dominicans, Carmelites, etc.) were discussing which of their Orders was God’s favorite. As sometimes hapens in such discussions among brothers it degenerated into an argument, and before very long God had had enough of it. He got their attention with a quick thunderclap, and while they were looking skyward they saw a piece of paper float down from the heavens. They then read the following:

Dearest children,

I do not want to repeat Myself, so pay attention! I do not have any favorites among My children. I love you all perfectly and infinitely. But your squabbling is setting a bad example for everyone who hears you, SO KNOCK IT OFF!

Love,

God OFM Conv.
Click to expand...
:yup: Hmm Ok, I got that, OFM Conv. is an abbrev of a religious order, right? but which one? :o I hardly know any of the abbrev. :o
 
mrS4ntA said:
:yup: Hmm Ok, I got that, OFM Conv. is an abbrev of a religious order, right? but which one? :o I hardly know any of the abbrev. :o
Click to expand...

Order of Friars Minor Conventual or the Conventual Franciscans – An order vastly inferior to the OFM Cap’s (Order of Friars Minor Capuchin) who educated me. 😛

(More here → Abbreviations of Religious Orders)
 
Oy! I forgot the ObJoke:
40.png
Brendan:
Jesus is a true Irishman! Do 'ya want proof?
  1. He stayed at home till he was 30
  2. He never married
  3. The last thing he asked for was a drink!
Click to expand...
  1. He was sure his mother was a virgin.
  2. She was sure he was God
😛
 
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young
father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are
you prepared for it?”

“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers
and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and
cakes for all of our guests.”

“I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you
prepared spiritually?”

“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a
case of whiskey.”
:rotfl:
 
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