Catholic Jokes

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A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it.

It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week.

The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty-five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.

Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.
:rotfl:
(tee – a Brother Knight of the 3rd Degree)
 
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RomanRyan1088:
Angry Moses told Jesus " I hate it when we play with your Father!":rotfl:
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So Jesus and Moses ditched The Father, and were having a round to themselves.

When they came to a water hazard, Jesus looked it up and down and muttered “Tiger Woods always uses a 7-iron on this hole.” But Moses warns him “Use a 5-iron!”

Jesus insists on the 7-iron, and sure enough drops his ball right into the drink. When Moses finished laughing, Jesus asked him to part the water hazard and retrieve his ball. Which Moses does.

“I’m *sure * Tiger Woods always uses a 7 on this hole…” But Moses again admonishes: “Use a 5-iron!”

Again, Our Lord takes the 7-iron and again, plunges into the water hazard. Again, Moses parts the waters and retrieves his ball for him.

“I *know * Tiger uses a 7-iron on this hole…” Moses snorts: “You do it again, you’ll take the stroke *and * you can fetch your own ball!” Well, of course, the ball homes in on the water a third time. Moses refuses to part the waters, so Jesus has to walk out on the surface of the water hazard, periodically reaching under looking for his ball.

Just then an astonished groundskeeper comes on the scene, and marvelling at the man walking on water asks Moses: “Who’s that guy think he is!? Jesus!?” :eek:

“Naaah,” replies the lawgiver, “he thinks he’s Tiger Woods…”

:rotfl:
 
[More golfing]

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness”, said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said the golfer.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must’ve been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?”, the Pope asked.

“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”

:rotfl:
 
[Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Don’t tell me I’ve cleared the room after 3 days of solo posting? 😛 ]

[Continuing golf theme]

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you!”
:rotfl:
 
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Nel:
Catholic jokes! What a great idea, Poisson!

This is a real oldie - the first Catholic joke I ever heard, as a kid (and no, I’m not saying how long ago that was!).

A little old Italian lady was kneeling in church, whisper-praying her rosary beads: “Pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss.” A painter is up on a scaffold, high in the church, and decides to have a little fun with this pious old woman.

“This is your Lord speaking,” he says in a deep, resonant voice.

No reaction from the little old Italian lady, who keeps on with her beads: “Pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss.”

Painter figures maybe she’s a little deaf, so he raises his voice: “This Is Your **LORD **Speaking!”

Still no response from the little old Italian lady, except: “Pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss.”

So the painter shouts: "THIS IS YOUR LORD SPEAKING!'

And the little old lady looks up at the crucifix and says, “You shutta up! I’m a-talkin’ to your Mama!”

(Yes, when I was a kid, little old Italian ladies did go into churches in the middle of the day and pray their rosaries… sigh.)

Another:

Fundamentalist woman to Catholic friend: “Why do you Catholics worship statues?”

Catholic: “Oh, we don’t worship statues anymore. Now we worship banners.”
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This one reminded me of one of the Grimm brothers folktales that’s almost never told anymore.
An elderly spinster who’s in love with the parish priest goes in to the church, kneels before the statue of St. Anne with the child Mary, and prays: “Oh, dear St. Anne, please give me the priest as my boyfriend. I’ve never been married, and I must have him before it’s too late.” The priest, who had been hiding behind the statue of Mary, calls out, “You shall not have him! You shall not have him!” The spinster glares at the statue of Mary and says, “Fiddle-de-dee, you conceited thing! Be quiet and let your mother speak!”
 
[Golf! Again!?]

Once there was this middle-aged priest who was addicted to golf. He played every day, sometimes 36 holes a day. He couldn’t seem to get enough. One Sunday morning, he decided that he didn’t want to do the 10 a.m. Mass, so he told his colleague, a younger priest, that he wasn’t feeling well. He asked the young priest to cover for him at Mass. The younger priest agreed. So, the old golfer placed a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door to his room, threw his clubs in his car, and took off for a course a few miles away. Meanwhile, the younger priest explained to the parish that the older priest is in the rectory ill and could not celebrate Mass with them; he asked that the congregation pray for the return of the older priest’s health.

Up in Heaven, St. Peter and Jesus were watching all of this. St. Peter turned to Jesus and asked, “Are you going to let him get away with this?” Jesus responded, “No…I’ll take care of it.”

The middle-aged priest arrived at the golf course, teed up on the first hole and wham, to his amazement hit a HOLE-IN-ONE. He proceeded to the second tee, and again another HOLE-IN-ONE. The priest was ecstatic. He couldn’t believe his great fortune. He continued to play; every hole was a HOLE-IN-ONE. Eighteen holes later his score was an amazing 18.

Finally St. Peter couldn’t take any more. He said to Jesus, “I thought you were going to punish this guy, instead, he plays the round of his life… What kind of punishment is that???”

Jesus looked at St. Peter and says “Who’s he going to tell?”
:rotfl:
 
Well, tee_em_off, I can’t let you carry the load alone.

Theology 911 * Final Exam
  1. *]Summarize Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologiae in three succinct sentences. You may use your Bible.
    .
    *]St. Martin of Tours, Pope Clement VII and Karl Barth were not contemporaries. Had they known each other, how might the history of the Reformation have turned out differently?
    .
    *]Define a moral system that satisfies Liberals, Conservatives, Moderates, and the entire population of Ancient Rome, ca. 3 BCE.
    .
    *]Memorize the Bible. Recite it in tongues.
    .
    *]Imagine you have the stigmata. Would it affect your productivity at work? Would you still be admitted into fine restaurants? Would it be covered by your medical insurance, or should it constitute a pre-existent condition?
    .
    *]What would it mean to be eternal, co-eternal, and non-existent all at once?
    .
    *]St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Augustine of Hippo decide to rob a bank. The note to the teller is 1,200 pages long, not counting footnotes, complete with a promise of damnation if the teller does not accept immediate Baptism. In the middle of the heist, they engage in an extended debate as to whether or not the money really exists.

    Are they committing a mortal or a venial sin?
    .
    *]Speculate on what the current status of salvation history might have been if Abraham had just stayed in Ur.
 
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rfk:
Well, tee_em_off, I can’t let you carry the load alone.

Theology 911 * Final Exam

  1. *]Summarize Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologiae in three succinct sentences. You may use your Bible.
    .
    *]St. Martin of Tours, Pope Clement VII and Karl Barth were not contemporaries. Had they known each other, how might the history of the Reformation have turned out differently?
    .
    *]Define a moral system that satisfies Liberals, Conservatives, Moderates, and the entire population of Ancient Rome, ca. 3 BCE.
    .
    *]Memorize the Bible. Recite it in tongues.
    .
    *]Imagine you have the stigmata. Would it affect your productivity at work? Would you still be admitted into fine restaurants? Would it be covered by your medical insurance, or should it constitute a pre-existent condition?
    .
    *]What would it mean to be eternal, co-eternal, and non-existent all at once?
    .
    *]St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Augustine of Hippo decide to rob a bank. The note to the teller is 1,200 pages long, not counting footnotes, complete with a promise of damnation if the teller does not accept immediate Baptism. In the middle of the heist, they engage in an extended debate as to whether or not the money really exists.

    Are they committing a mortal or a venial sin?
    .
    *]Speculate on what the current status of salvation history might have been if Abraham had just stayed in Ur.
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  1. Those are great. But excepting questions 3 and 4, those would seem to be legitimate questions…shows what kind of a nerd I am.
 
The following statements are said to have been written by
actual children and, as far as we know, are genuine,
authentic and not retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling
has been left in):

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire
by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they
had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the
apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his
son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived
in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang
the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you.

He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12
decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called
monotony.
 
A priest is hearing confessions on a Saturday afternoon when a little boy comes in and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I threw peanuts in the river.” The priest, thinking he’s confessed to wasting food, gives him absolution. Then another little boy comes in and, after rattling off his list of sins, finishes with " I threw peanuts in the river."Again the priest gives him absolution. After a third boy comes in and confesses to throwing peanuts in the river, the priest, by now, is very curious as to what these boys are talking about. Could “throwing peanuts in the river” be a new slang term for some sin? So the priest is determined to find out. The next boy comes into the confessional, but he doesn’t mention anything about peanuts and the river. So the priest, trying to solve the mystery, asks him, “Did you throw peanuts in the river?” “No, Father” the boy replies. "I’m Peanuts.
 
[The last golf joke – I think 😛 – And about as risque as I be willing to post here (apologies to anyone who judges it moreso)]

A gentleman on the links plops his golf ball into the ballwasher and begins churning the handle, when suddenly it begins to emit pink smoke. When the smoke dissipates, there stands Barbara Eden dressed in harem silks.

“I am the Djinii of the Ball Washer!” she announces, "I will grant you 3 wishes – Anything your heart :love: desires 😉 "

“Well,” the fellow says, “I’ve never gotten a hole-in-one on this hole, could you do that?”

A little disappointed, the scantily clad djinii replies “Yes, Master” blinks her eyes, and sure enough the fellow tees off and the ball drops in the cup for a perfect hole-in-one!

She slides up to him and whispers: “You still have 2 wishes – Anything 😉 you want…”

“Well,” he says, “could I get a hole-in-one for the rest of this game?”

Pouting 😦 , she blinks. “As you wish, Master.” And he does score a perfect round of holes-in-one!

“You have one final wish. A-n-y-t-h-i-n-g you want. **Your wish ** is my command” (She has obviously been cooped up in the ball washer for a lo-ong time).

“I’d like to score a perfect 18 every time I play this course – How about it?”

Blink. “Done.” :confused: “If you don’t mind my asking, former Master, most of the men I’ve served had had a somewhat different activity in mind when I offered them anything. May I ask: How is you love life?”

“Oh, for a Catholic priest in a small town, it’s not so bad…”

:rotfl:
 
(Ahhh, how about one more.)

Fr. Kiernan was a golf nut. He loved the game so much that he played everyday, sometimes 36 holes. One Sunday morning, he could feel the golf course tugging at him, but he was scheduled to say 9:00 Mass. So he went to Fr. O’Callaghan, told him he was suffering from terrible intestinal flu, and could Fr. cover his time slot at Mass?

Well, no sooner than Fr. O’Callaghan’s nod of the head, and Fr. Kiernan is sneaking out the back door with his clubs. About the time Mass is starting, ol’ Father is teeing up on the first hole.

Meanwhile Jesus and St. Peter are looking down on this from on high, and St. Peter remarks that surely Jesus has some justice in mind for a conniving priest such as this. Jesus nods sagely, and says, “Just watch.”

Well, Fr. Kiernan hits his first drive, and wouldn’t you know it is a hole-in-one! On to the second hole, a long par five, and he hits another hole-in-one! Hole after hole, he is sinking his drives until sure enough, come the eighteenth green, Fr. Kiernan has scored 18 strokes for 18 holes.

St. Peter turns to Jesus and says, “Well, it has been interesting watching him, but where is the justice in that?” Jesus smiles and says, “Who is he going to tell?”
 
Sorry rfk, looks like tee_ef_em already beat you to that joke! It’s still a great one, though.
 
It’s been said that the two most important positions in the Catholic Church are that of the Pope and the Notre Dame quarterback… not necessarily in that order!

a pilgrim
 
Who was the most upset by the return of the prodigal son?

The fatted calf.
 
An Irish priest regularly said bad things about the English during his homilies. Finally the Bishop called the priest in and told him that saying derogatory things about the English was not in keeping with Christian charity and it must stop. The priest said he would stop.

During his next homily the priest was talking about the last supper - he said " . . . and Jesus said to his apostales ‘one of you will betray me’. And Peter said ‘surely not I Lord’ and John said ‘surely not I Lord’ and Judas said 'I say old chap . . .".
 
The Priest and the Eggs

The elderly priest was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years. Disappointed and hurt, the priest asked her, “WHY?”

The secretary replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time that he had delivered a poor homily, she had placed an egg in the box.
The priest felt that 3 poor homilies in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”😃
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
 
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, “Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.”

St. Peter was very impressed. “When did this happen?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago.” the man said.
 
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