Catholic Jokes

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Fr. Smith went out one Saturday to visit some of his parishioners. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the priest knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will enter his house and dine with him, and him with me.
At Mass the next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the priest’s message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”
He answered, “I heard you in the garden, but I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself.”
 
Just out of the seminary, a young priest was assigned to his first parish. A few weeks after he arrived, he walked into the church and stopped dead in his tracks. Kneeling at the altar, praying, was Jesus Christ.

The priest rushed into his superior’s office. “Monsignor!” he exclaimed. “Come quickly! Our Savior is here!”

The two clerics rushed back into the church and, sure enough, there was Christ praying at the altar.

“What should we do?” whispered the young priest.

Monsignor replied, “Look busy!”
 
St. Dominic, St. Francis of Assisi, and St. Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the birth of Our Lord.

St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.

St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.

St. Ignatius takes St. Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks, “Have you given any thought to His education?”
 
This isn’t really a Catholic joke, but it’s funny…

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove there was no God. He said, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!” Ten minutes went by. The professor kept taunting God by saying, “Here I am, God, I’m still waiting!” He got down to the last few minutes, and a Marine, just returned from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from the platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, “What’s the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
The Marine replied: “God sent me.”

Semper fi !!
 
  1. A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”
  1. A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said. “Can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.

“Yes,” the little girl replied.

“Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”
  1. A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says, “Yes,Preacher. I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“No, I did not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
 
Have you heard about the boy who went to confession?

PRIEST: My son do you ever entertain impure thoughts?

BOY: No Father they entertain me.
 
Pecans In The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
 
The chicken industry was in terrible shape, losing money and laying off thousands of employees. Industry leaders hit upon a plan. They went to see the Pope and said, "We’ll give you a million dollars if you can convince the world’s religious leaders to change the part of the Bible that says, “Give us this day our daily bread” to, “Give us this day our daily chicken.”

The Pope was outraged and said, “No!!”

The chicken leaders said, “Ok, ten million dollars.”

The Pope replied, “Absolutely not! I will not tamper with the Word of God!”

The men said, “Ok, one hundred million dollars!”

The Pope couldn’t resist anymore. He accepted.

At the next meeting of the General Council, the Pope said, “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I’ve made 100 million dollars for the church. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”:tiphat:
 
A man died and came before the pearly white gates. Saint Peter came out to greet him then said,“Well, if you want to get into Heaven you have to pass a test.” The man, who dropped out of school at a very young age, became quite nervous. “The first question is easy. What are the days that begin with the letter ‘t’?” The man thought a moment and said,“That’s easy. Today and tomorrow.” Peter said,“Well, I guess that will work. Your next question is alot tougher. How many seconds are there in a year?” The man skewed up his face in thought then replied,“Twelve.” Saint Peter looked at him funny,“Twelve?” "Yes, said the man,“There is January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…” Saint Peter chuckled saying,“Well I guess you got me! The last question is a real toughy. What is God’s name?” The man brightened up right away,“I know that one! God’s name is Hallowed!” Saint Peter said,“Hallowed? Where did you get that?” The man smiled big,“I learned that in Sunday school. Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name…”
 
A priest is driving behind a Protestant minister. The minister has to stop suddenly, and the priest, who was tailgating, slams into the rear end of the minister’s car. A big Irish cop comes to investigate. After examining the damage, he says to the priest, “So tell me, Father, how fast was this fella goin’ when he backed into you?”
 
a man went to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked: “what novena should i say to get a Mercedes Benz?”

the Franciscan replied: “what’s a Mercedes Benz?”

the Jesuit: “what’s a novena?”
 
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A CATHOLIC IF:

You can kneel more than 5 minutes without falling over.

Your doorbell plays “Ave Maria.”

Your after-shave witch-hazel water has been blessed by a priest.

Your room air freshener is church incense.

Your computer wallpaper lists the mysteries of the Rosary and the Church’s Feast Days.

People ask you the Confession times for the city parishes.

The Catholic bookstore owner gets excited when you open the door.

You know by heart all the words to “Tantum Ergo” and “O Salutaris.”

You watch the rosary on EWTN.

You invite three Catholic couples over and suddenly there are fifteen kids in the house.

You secretly feel guilty because you look forward to Lenten fish fries.

You own so many statues your house looks like a church.

You genuflect before you enter a row of seats at the theatre.

You leave room on your pillow for your guardian angel.

You can still remember the answers to the Baltimore Catechism questions.

You’ve considered naming one of your kids after an early Father of the Church. (Cyprian, Athanasius, Tertullian, Eusebius, etc.)

You have been caught singing in your sleep, “There’s no place like Rome, there’s no place like Rome.”
 
The Front Row

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No,” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

…
 
Among the speakers at a large seminar for preachers were many well known motivational speakers. One of them, a dynamic young Dominican priest, boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “I’m in love with a woman!”

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman is our Mother Mary!” The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one forgetful old priest who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, “I’m in love with a woman!”

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was!”
 
Joe had a history of making bad choices. Instead of attending Franciscan University at Steubenville he ended up attending Georgetown. His friends learned and grew stronger in their faith at Steubenville while he toiled away enduring many challenges to his faith in the Jesuit school. After college he had a chance to start a business with some friends or go to work for a corporation. He landed a job at Enron while his friends struck it rich in the computer industry. He met two women at a party, the one he asked out and married grew increasingly shrewish as the years passed, fell away from the Church and refused to consider having children. The other eventually married a friend of Joe’s, grew more beautiful every year, had five gorgeous children, and wrote a book on Catholic homeschooling.

As a result of his history of bad decisions, Joe began to design his life to avoid ever making a decision. He deferred to others regarding meetings, travel, everything. The thought of making a momentous decision paralyzed him with fear.

One day he is flying to a meeting in Tokyo when the pilot comes on and announces that the engines have lost power and they are going to crash. Joe starts to pray.

“Please St. Francis save the passengers on this flight.”

He then hears two heavenly voices ask at the same time “Which one, Assisi or Xavier?”
 
I heard Raymond Arroyo tell this one to Mother Angelica yesterday on a “Mother Angelica Classics” re-run.

The large Cathedral was filled to capacity with the 10:00 Sunday Mass underway, when doors at the front of the Cathedral burst open. Beelzebub came stomping into the Church! There he was, Satan himself, with clawed feet, bat-like wings, monstrous face, and the smell of smoke filling the Church, as he walked up the center aisle with a horrendous roar.

With this terror in their midst, people fled screaming for the exits. Pushing and shoving; utter pandemonium. In short order, the entire Church was empty, except for one little old man sitting near the back. As Beelzebub advanced at him with beastly and foul shrieks, and an execrable odor, the old man looked calmy at the beast with his chin resting on his cane.

“I ain’t a skeered a’ you! I’ve been married to your sister for 53 years.”
 
There were these 4 women playing cards one day, bragging about their sons.

The 1st lady said " Well, my son is a priest, and when he walks into a room, people call him “Father”

The 2nd lady said " Oh yea, well my son is a Bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say " Your Excellency"

The 3rd lady looked at both of them and said, " Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, they say " Your leading dignity"

Well the 4th lady just looked at the other 3,and the other 3 said
“well how about your son”

The 4th lady said " well, my son is a male stripper, and when he walks into a room, people say “Oh my god”!!

LOL, MY PRIEST TOLD ME THAT ONE.
:rotfl:
 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…

“HEBREWS”
 
A young priest is having his first wedding & he is very nervous. He talks to the pastor who tells him what to do but tells him everything is in the lectionary, just follow along & everything should be alright but if you are at a loss for words at any time, just quote scripture & everything will be alright. The young priest performs the wedding ceremony just like an old pro, everything falls into place & as he is watching them sign the guest register, he remembers the words of the old pastor & decides to quote scripture. The first verse that comes to mind is “Forgive them Father, they know not what they are doing.”
 
Here’s one a priest told me at a retreat:

There was a priest and a nun who were traveling home from a retreat together in Buffalo, NY. Suddenly they were overtaken by one of Buffalo’s famous snow storms and realized they could not make it home. The priest had a timeshare cottage right on the lake that he figured was pretty close to where they currently were so they decided to ride out the storm there.

They arrived at the cottage had some canned food for dinner and decided to go to bed. The priest being a gentleman opted to sleep on the couch and let the nun have the queen bed.

After a few minutes the nun calls to the priest and says she is very cold so he brings her some extra blankets from the closet.
She thanks him but 5 minutes later calls him again saying she is still cold. So he gets up and gets her some more blankets from the closet.
Five minutes later the nun calls to him again telling him she is still cold. The priest says to her “Now this is silly. We are both grown adults here. Why don’t we just forget that I’m a priest and you’re a nun just for one night? For just this one night can’t we pretend we are an old married couple?” The nun agreed that this would be okay. To which the priest replied, “Great, then get your own damn blanket!” And he went back to bed.
 
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