Catholic Jokes

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Order of Friars Minor Conventual or the Conventual Franciscans – An order vastly inferior to the OFM Cap’s (Order of Friars Minor Capuchin) who educated me. 😛
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Well, they couldn’t have educated you very well if you think the Conventuals are inferior to the Capuchins. 😉

But I won’t argue the point with you. Didn’t you hear God say to knock it off? 😃

J. B.
 
This is one from a parish priest. Not exactly a joke…maybe ironic humor. I believe he used it in his homily.

A young man approached St. Peter at heaven’s gate and asked if this was heaven. St. Peter replied, “Well, young man, it certainly is heaven but before I permit you to enter I must ask you what do you think heaven is like”. The young man replied that he didn’t know much about heaven. Perhaps white clouds, silence, etc. Well, St.Peter said, “before we let you in we’re sending you to Hell for a few days so that you can really make an informed decision”. The young man agrees and is sent directly to Hell where he is met by Lucifer himself who is decked out in a fabulous tuxedo, smiling and standing before what appears to be a lavish Las Vegas casino. Lucifer greets the young man with a brilliant smile, glass of champagne, and huge handful of casino chips along with the invitation to ask for and do anything his heart desires. The young man is shocked and exclaims, “Isn’t this supposed to be Hell?”. Lucifer replies, “Yes it is, but you know, we have always gotten a bad rap!” Anyway, have a great time! The young man enjoys himself immensly for the next few days catering to every whim and fancy he could have dreamed of. Sadly, his time for the return to heaven soon arrives and he is sent back to see St. Peter.

Upon returning to meet St. Peter he exclaims, “You know Pete, I think the little trip you sent me on really has opened my eyes. No offense to you and God though, but I just feel that Hell offers the kinds of things that I would prefer to do for eternity”. St. Peter sadly sighs and closes the gate and the young man descends to see Lucifer who is waiting at the gates of Hell with huge flames and heat in the background, sneering, hissing, chortling, welcoming. The young man is astounded. “Wait a minute”, he screams. “When I was here before this was a really fun place”.

“Oh yes, it was”, replied Lucifer. “But, unfortunately, then we were only recruiting!”.
 
THIS ONE’S FROM FULTON SHEEN!

Q. WHAT IS AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN CALLED?

A. A NO-BODY! 😃
 
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue
across the street from each other. Since their schedules
intertwined, they decided to combine their finances and buy a
car together. They drove it home and parked it in the street
between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so
he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m
blessing it,” the priest replied.

The rabbi replied “Oh,” then he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the
car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tail pipe.
:rotfl:
 
The husband & wife wake up in the morning and have an argument about who should get out of bed and make the coffee. The husband tells his wife she should make the coffee since she always wakes up first. The wife says no the bible states the husband should get up and make the coffee in the morning.

The husband says “what?, I never have seen this in the bible”. The wife says let me get the bible and show you. She opens up the bible and points to the top of the page and it says HEBREWS!

Get it!
 
A small town in America is settled by Irish and German immigrants. They are all Catholic, but they don’t get along. So the Diocese decides it’s wisest to split up and have two parishes, each with it’s own church.

They both build beautiful churches. Generations pass and still the Irish Catholics do not get along with the German Catholics.

Time passes and the Irish church falls into disrepair. Finally, the Irish priest decides they need to demolish the old church, and build an entirely new one. So the parish struggles to come up with the money.

One day the German priest approaches the Irish priest and says “Here, I took up a collection” and hands the Irish priest a check for $10,000,000!!! The Irish priest is flabbergasted, and appologizes for the years of hating the German Catholics. The Irish priest extends his gratitude and praises God that the walls of division have finally broken down.

The Irish priest, burning with curiosity, finally asks the German priest how he managed to turn the hearts of all his parishoners, and to collect such a sum for the rebuilding of their church.

The German priest admits that it really wasn’t difficult at all. “I told them the collection was for the demolition of your church.”
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.
What’s the difference between a marine and God?

God doesn’t think he’s a marine.
 
After a long, hard Lent and Easter, two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation for some well-deserved R&R. To really get away from it all, they also decided that they would not wear anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and Aloha shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying MaiTais, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous redhead in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, “Good morning Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O’Toole,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These outfits were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous redhead, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses :cool: , because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, “Good Morning Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O’Toole,” and started to walk away.

Father Murphy couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did *you * know?”

“Oh Father, it’s me – Sister Mary Kathryn!”

:rotfl:
 
****The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an
afternoon on the Potomac sailing on the presidential yacht, the
Sequoia. They’re admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying “Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.” Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father’s little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks
back across the water to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the
hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning the topic of
conversation among Democrats on the Hill, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, the New York & L.A.Times is…“Bush Can’t Swim.” :rotfl:
 
The Kerry folks asked the local priest to mention in his homily that Kerry is a saint.

The priest, a devout Catholic, began his homily by saying,

“John Kerry is a crook. John Kerry is a liar. John Kerry is a fraud. John Kerry is an adulterer. John Kerry is one of the worst Catholics I have ever met. But - compared to Ted Kennedy - He’s a saint.” :rotfl:
 
A priest was making his parish rounds on a snowy day when he spotted a small boy on the porch of an old-fashioned house. The boy was jumping up trying to reach the pull cord for the door bell but couldn’t reach it. The priest walked up and gave the cord three hard pulls, then he turned to the boy with a smile and said, “Well, my young man, what do you say?”

The boy replied, “I say we run like hell,” and then turned and ran off the porch as fast as he could go.
 
Catholic jokes! What a great idea, Poisson!

This is a real oldie - the first Catholic joke I ever heard, as a kid (and no, I’m not saying how long ago that was!).

A little old Italian lady was kneeling in church, whisper-praying her rosary beads: “Pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss.” A painter is up on a scaffold, high in the church, and decides to have a little fun with this pious old woman.

“This is your Lord speaking,” he says in a deep, resonant voice.

No reaction from the little old Italian lady, who keeps on with her beads: “Pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss.”

Painter figures maybe she’s a little deaf, so he raises his voice: “This Is Your **LORD **Speaking!”

Still no response from the little old Italian lady, except: “Pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss-pss.”

So the painter shouts: "THIS IS YOUR LORD SPEAKING!'

And the little old lady looks up at the crucifix and says, “You shutta up! I’m a-talkin’ to your Mama!”

(Yes, when I was a kid, little old Italian ladies did go into churches in the middle of the day and pray their rosaries… sigh.)

Another:

Fundamentalist woman to Catholic friend: “Why do you Catholics worship statues?”

Catholic: “Oh, we don’t worship statues anymore. Now we worship banners.”
 
A priest who lived a pretty decent life on earth, was dismayed to find himself in Purgatory shackled to an ugly old hag. Then he spotted his former bishop nearby chained to a supermodel.

The priest shouted for St Peter and began to complain.

“It’s none of your business,” snapped St Peter. “You get on with your penance and let her get on with hers!”
 
How bout this one y’all?

Three priests decide to have lunch together one day. When they get to lunch they decide to confess to each other the worst things they’ve ever done. The first priest goes, " Well my brothers, i’m sorry to say that sometimes i take money from the collection plate." The other priests gasp in horror:eek: ! Then the second priest says " Well my brothers, I’m kinda embarrassed to admit that i’ve been carrying an affair with one of the parish’s elder women. (Gasps):eek: and the priests just look like they want to faint. Then the third priest finally says " Well My brothers, my worst fault is the sin of gossip and I can’t wait to get home!"

Lol get it?:rotfl:
 
Here’s Another one:

A Man bought a very special donkey from a Priest. The priest told the man that to make the donkey go you had to say “Hallelujah” and for the donkey to stop say “Amen”:amen: So the man bought the donkey and rode on him. They traveled for an hour and they saw a cliff up ahead and the donkey wouldn’t stop!:eek: The guy tried to remember the word that would make the donkey stop but he couldn’t. But he tried, "STop donkey, Stop, uhh Jesus, God, The Trinity, The Father,SOMETHING!!!:bigyikes: Finally he decided to say a prayer hoping that God would spare him. “Dear Lord, Please be ever mercifull and save me from falling off this cliff and plunging into a horrible death. AMEN” The donkey abruptly stopped just at the edge of the cliff. And the man exclaimed “HALLELUJAH!”

And i think you can figure out the rest. LOL:rotfl:
 
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest’s plastic collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”

“Yes I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”

:rotfl:
 
A nun was walking past a construction site when she tripped and fell. One of the workers was about to help her up when his buddy stopped him, saying,“Don’t touch her–she’s consecrated. Here, use my shovel.”
 
Patty had just got off the plane at Dublin airport. As he was clearing customs, he stated that he was returning from Europe, to his home in Limerick. The customs man, on asking if he was bringing anything back with him, was told, “No.”

“Patty,” said the customs man, “I think I’ll be looking through your baggage.”

As he did so, he found a large, clear, unlabelled bottle filled with a clear, colourless liquid.

“What would this be, then?” he asked.

“Oh,” said Patty, “while I was in Europe I made a pilgrimage to the sacred shrine at Lourdes, and that’s water from the blessed grotto.”

“I’ll just be examining that water a little more closely,” said the customs man, removing the cap, and giving the liquid a sniff. He started a bit, and looked at Patty.

“Patty,” he said sternly, “that isn’t water in this bottle. It’s gin.”

Patty’s eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. “Down on your knees, man!” he exclaimed. “It’s another miracle!”
 
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”

One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?”

A little kid said, “The Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge ‘n’ Mary.”

:rotfl:
 
Ok, here’s some for you…

One day Jesus, Moses, and an elderly man were playin golf. They came to the next hole and moses said " I’ll show you guys how to play golf". So he hit the ball, and then he noticed that it was heading towards the water, so he raised his hands and the water parted and the ball bounced out onto land. Then moses said, “Well lets see you beat that Jesus”

Jesus said " No problem, so he hit the ball and it flew into the air, hit a tree, and it landed just by the hole. He said " Not bad i must say. Lets see you do better old man.

So the old man said, “ok”, so he hit the ball it bounced off a tree, a bird caught it in his mouth, and then the bird dropped it into the water, then a fish jumped out of the water, landed by the hole, and opened it’s mouth, when all of a sudden the ball fell outta the fishes mouth, straight into the hole.

Angry Moses told Jesus " I hate it when we play with your Father!":rotfl:
 
Oh here’s antoher one…

One time there was this little boy named tommy and lets just say he wasn’t the best kid in the world. one day, tommy went to his mom and told her " Mom, i want a bike", she told him, “Well why dont you write Jesus and tell him that”, so tommy grabbed a pen and some paper and wrote

Dear Jesus,
Hello, i would just like to tell you that I have been a good boy…

He thought about what he was writing and knew it wasn’t the truth. So he started over and said.

Dear Jesus,
Hello, I would just like to tell you that i have been an OK little boy…

He thought about it and said " No i cant lie to Jesus".

Then he got an idea, so he hurried down stairs, put on his shoe’s, and ran to the nearest Catholic Church, grabbed a statue, and ran back home. Then he began to write another letter

Dear Jesus,
I would just like to say i have been a bad boy, but i just want you to know, either you give me a bike, or your Mother gets it!.

:rotfl:
 
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