Catholic Jokes

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The traffic light wasn’t working on the
corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so the blonde stood with a large crowd
of people waiting to cross, while a cop
directed traffic.*

Finally,he blew his whistle, motioned to
the crowd, and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians!”
*
The swelling throng surged across Broadway –
all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the
other side of the street, the cop moved
the cross-traffic through the intersection.
Half a minute later, he stopped the cars
on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street
traffic into motion.*

Again, he got around to the blonde’s corner,
where by this time she had again been joined
by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! “Okay,
pedestrians!”*

The crowd crossed the street, but again
the blonde stayed put. She looked at her
watch and tapped her foot as if she was
in a hurry to get somewhere, but never
budged from the sidewalk.*

The cop ran the traffic through seven
more cycles, each time blowing his whistle
and then yelling “Okay, pedestrians!”
*
The blonde never moved.*

Finally, after the cop yelled “Okay,
pedestrians!” for the eighth time,
the blonde shouted across traffic,
“Yo! Officer! Isn’t it about time you
let the Catholics cross?”
 
“Bless, me Father for I have sinned. I stole some lumber”

"What did you do with the lumber?’

" I built a bird house."

“Pray for the God Lord to forgive you and say 3 Hail Marys for penance.”

The priest then asked the man, “Do you have something else to tell me?”

“Yes, Father. With the leftover lumber I put a porch on my house.”

“You realize that this is now more serious. God gave us a commandment not to steal. For penance, say a Rosary.”

The man still appeared to want to talk. Again, the priest asked, “Do you have something else to tell me?”

Yes, Father. With the leftover lumber I put an extension on my house."

“Now, you have really offended God. For penance I want you to make a novena.”

The man looked puzzled.

“You do know how to make a novena, don’t you?”

The man replied, “No, I don’t Father. But if you got the plans, I got the lumber.”

Micki
 
Three Christian ministers went fishing together. While they were in the middle of the ocean, about a hundred meters from the shore, they ran out of bait. The Baptist said, “I’ll get some more bait” and then jumped over and walked on the water to the shore.

The Presbyterian called out after hum, “Wait brother! I need to take a leak, I’ll go with you!” and jumps overboard to join the Baptist walking on the water.

Naturally the Catholic priest’s jaw drops and marvels at the faith of the two separated brethren. “But,” he thought to himself, “if the good Lord can work wonders for those not in full communion with his Church, then surely what wonders can we work for us Catholics!”

And so with great faith and a prayer, he jumps overboard…

and sinks.

Father hauls himself back onto the boat while all the while telling himself “My faith is not wanting…my faith is not wanting” then tries again, only to sink again.

In the meantime the two Protestants are returning to the boat when they witness their Catholic brother helplessly trying to walk on the water. The Baptist then says to the Presbyterian:

“Do you think we ought to have told him where the rocks are?”
 
Like a Mighty Turtle, Moves the Church of God

During an ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in and shouted, “I smell smoke.”

“Fire, Fire”, cried the Pentecostals.

“Water, Water”, responded the Baptists.

“Every man for himself”, shouted the Congregationalists.

The Quakers prayed silently for the blessings that fire brings.

The Christian Scientists declared that fire existed only in the
people’s minds.

The United Methodists planned a three day conference to chart a plan of action.

The Lutherans wrote a treatise to post on the door condemning the wrong use of fire.

The Episcopalians designed a liturgy for the dedication of a fire.

The Roman Catholics appealed to Rome for the Holy Father’s guidance on the church’s teaching concerning fire.

The Presbyterians moved that a moderator appoint a task force to study the issue of fire and that they write a report to be submitted at the next meeting.

And the fundamentalist said, " Don’t worry, its just a Southern Baptist having a cigarette.":rotfl:
 
Mother Teresa dies and goes to Heaven. God welcomes her and says, “Be thou hungry?” Mother Teresa replies that she is, and God prepares tuna fish sandwiches for them. Meanwhile Mother Teresa notices the people in Hell gorging themselves with all sorts of delicacies. It goes on like this for several days when Mother Teresa finally says to God, “I appreciate being able to be in Heaven as a reward for a lifetime of service, but I don’t understand why we live on tuna fish sandwiches while the souls in Hell feast like Kings.” God sighs, and says, “For the two of us, it’s just too much trouble to do all that cooking.”

The Pope dies and goes to Heaven. He is given an efficency apartment to live in and a Honda to drive around in. He notices that this lawyer, on the other hand, lives in a nice mansion, and drives around in a big Caddy filled with supermodels. The Pope goes to St Peter to complain, and St Peter says, “Look, Popes up here are a dime a dozen, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever had!”

A group of New Yorkers show up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter goes to God to ask what should be done, since they’ve never had any New Yorkers in Heaven. God tells St. Peter to let the 20 most virtous ones in. St Peter leaves and comes back a short time later, exclaiming, “They’re gone!!!” God asks, “The New Yorkers?” “No,” St Peter replies; “the Pearly Gates!!!”

A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign reading “THE END IS NEAR.” As a car drives by, the driver sticks his head out the window and yells at them, “Stop preaching, you zealots!!” A few moments later the sound of squealing tires and a crash is heard. The priest says to the rabbi, "Do you think our sign should have read, “BRIDGE OUT?”
:rotfl: :rotfl::rotfl:
 
**MAN: **Did you hear about Sullivan? He’s lost his faith.

**WOMAN: **Oh, no! You mean – he’s become Protestant?

**MAN: **Heavens, no! I said he lost his faith, not his mind.
 
Real bulliten bloopers as you can tell they are not all neccesarily Catholic…but general christianity…still funny tho…
  1. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
  2. Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
  9. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  11. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
  14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  19. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
  23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  24. The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
  25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours.”
 
Yet another one…

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can’t help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.” So the Pope slapped her.
 
Saint Peter greeted a priest and a taxicab driver at the gates of heaven and admitted the taxicab driver first. The priest complained, “I devoted my life to the church. Why did he go first?”

Saint Peter responded, “When you gave homilies, people slept. When he drove, people prayed!”
 
A priest visited a little old lady at her home. She got a phone call, and he waited in the living room while she went into the kitchen. Bored, he began to nibble on the peanuts she had in a bowl on the table. When she came back, after 45 minutes, she apoligozed, and asked his forgiveness, 😦 as she had not spoken to her sister in a long time. Father, in turn, apologized, as he had finished off all the peanuts. She laughed, and told him to relax. “I don’t mind, Father. Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them now.” :eek:
 
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”.

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

:rotfl:
tee :irish2:
 
A priest, a rabbi, and a radical feminist died and are at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter motions each one forward. First the priest:

St. Peter: “In order to get into heaven, you must pass a test. Spell ‘pray’”.

Priest: “That’s easy. P - R - A - Y.”

St. Peter: “Correct. You may enter.”

Then St. Peter motions the rabbi to come forward: “In order to get into heaven, you must pass a test. Spell ‘pray’”.

Rabbi: “Simple. P - R - A - Y.”

St. Peter: “Correct. You may enter.”

Finally St. Peter motions the radical feminist to come forward. “In order to get into heaven, you must pass a test…”.

At that moment the radical feminist went berserk. “ALL MY LIFE YOU MEN HAVE BEEN MAKING US PASS YOUR TESTS…” and ranted and raved for about ten minutes about all the injustices that women have suffered at the hands of men. Finally St. Peter had enough.

“Look, lady, I make EVERYONE take a test to get into heaven. Now will you just spell ‘Bosnia-Hercegovina’?”
 
A priest is driving back from a sick call and his car breaks down in front of a bar. His cell phone battery dead, he has to go into the bar to use the phone to call for assistance. Inside, he sees one of his parishoners, Joe, depressed and drunk. he asks Joe what was wrong, and Joe told of a story of how he lost his job and his life savings and his wife was about to leave him.

The priest responded: “Joe, drinking never solves anyone’s problems. You need to have faith and read the bible. I bet that the first page you turn to, you will find an answer to your problems in life.”

Six months later Joe is at mass. He is well dressed and well groomed, and drove to mass in a brand new Mercedes. After mass, the priest walks up to Joe and remarks, “Joe, six months ago you were on your last leg, but now look at you! How did you accomplishthis remarkable turnaround?”

Joe responds, “Well, I remember what you told me at the bar, that instead of the bottle I should pick up the bible and I would find my answers. So I did what you said - I picked up the bible and opened it to a page, and sure enough, the answer was staring right at me - CHAPTER 11!”
 
A man is walking down the street past a church and, smelling the incense, goes inside. He sees a big zero on the altar and banners with the word 'Nil". A lady passes by on the way out and he asks her “Is nothing sacred?”
 
(hope this doesn’t cross any lines… 😛 )

It’s a cold day on the Eastern Front in World War II. Poland. The German army has beaten down the Polish resistance, and nearly all is silent except the carrion-birds and the wind. Two figures remain on the battlefield, a kneeling Pole and a German soldier standing over him, pressing a rifle against his head and preparing to fire.

A mighty voice sounds from the heavens: DO NOT KILL THIS MAN.

The German looks up momentarily. “Who are you?”

The voice replies: I AM YOUR LORD, GOD OF HOSTS. THE MAN YOU ARE ABOUT TO SHOOT MUST BE SPARED, FOR ONE DAY HE SHALL BE POPE.

The soldier thinks for a second. “Wait, what about me?”

The voice is silent for a moment, then comes back: WELL OKAY, YOU CAN BE NEXT.
 
This one was originally told byth elate Irish comedian Dave Allen:

A priest wanted to impress upon the congregation the dangers of drinking. So, during his homily, he did the following:

“People, i want to impress upon you what liquor can do for you. I have in one hand a worm and the other a glass of water. When I dip the worm in water, see what happens to the worm? Nothing! Now watch what happens when I dip the worm into the glass of whiskey here. He dies! Now, what does that tell you?”

An old drunk in the pews gets up and shouts back, “IF YOU DRINK WHISKEY, YOU DON’T GET WORMS!”
 
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Finally, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees the head monk banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the “R”, we forgot the “R” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The original word was ‘celebrate’.”
 
Don’t know if this one has been posted already as I haven’t read all the previous posts… Anyway

After Armageddon everybody was waiting to enter Paradise.

God appeared and said, “I want all the women to report to Peter and all
the men to make two lines. One line is for men who were the true heads of
their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their
wives.”

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.

The line of men who were dominated by their wives was miles and miles
long, wrapping around the earth, and in the line of men who truly were
heads of their household there was only one man.

God said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be
head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled
your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

God turned to the one man and asked, “How did you manage to be the only
one in this line?”

The man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
 
I was enjoying this thread. Anyone got any more jokes? Some of them were very funny
 
Here’s one that I got in an email from a fellow Knights of Columbus member a couple years ago:

Sleeping in School

Dozing in a Catholic school little Gracie was not the best student. Usually she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and said, “Tell me, Grace; who created the universe?”

When Grace didn’t stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty! " shouted Grace, and the Nun said, “Very Good.”

Soon Grace fell back asleep. A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But, Grace didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Grace and the Nun said “Very Good” and Grace sat back down and started to fall back to sleep.

The Nun asked Grace a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - - and she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The Nun fainted.
 
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