Catholic living when everything's going wrong and you're exhausted

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DarkLight

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We keep talking in church about doing more for God, helping others, all that sort of thing. That these are the things we should be doing as Catholics, that it’s not enough to simply live your life and go to church. But so often it seems that that’s everything - once I’ve taken care of myself, showing up to church is everything I’ve got left. Health problems, family problems, you still need to earn an income and have clean clothes and food fixed and everything no matter what, and by the time that’s done (or not infrequently before) you’re completely drained.

What does living a christian life even look like in that situation? It seems like you’re essentially forced into selfishness, because the options are “take care of myself and my needs and don’t worry about others” or “burn out trying to help other people.” You have to stay focused on yourself and on today because if you don’t you won’t make it through and have all you need handled. And it’s very dangerous to not be able to take care of yourself, and I’ve not seen “relying on God” do much in the past to keep me from ending up in terrible situations because I couldn’t keep up.
 
Can you pray? Then you are doing just as much as cloistered nuns - and no one claims that they are slacking! Send a few spare bux to well-established charities. Mine go mostly to Africa to dig wells and provide medical care. As bad as things seem around us, they are many many times worse in the developing world. You have options, and don’t beat yourself up! The world will do that for you.
 
A couple of years ago I had three lots of dramas happening at the same time over an extended period…having good catholic friends to text in the middle of a crisis and ask for prayer was truely amazing.Not to mention the CAF prayer warriors here.It got me through and still is…
Praying for you dl.
 
Sometimes. It often feels like the focus on work and tasks that need to be done takes away from that. Feels like I’m always doing something, working or doing laundry or cooking or something. There’s always more that needs to be done to keep things together.

There’s been a lot of medical stuff and I’m getting a lot of tests that aren’t answering much. And my family is…well, I’ve ranted enough about them. Suffice to say that’s not getting better and there’s really not much I can do.
 
I love the full command of Jesus to “Love others as you love yourself”. SO many times the last half of that is just snipped right out.

This means you treat yourself as well as you treat others. If someone is over-burdened, wouldn’t you help out to take something off their plate? Same thing. Take something off your plate. I had to give up a few things myself when I went back to work full-time.

Jesus equates self-care with loving others. Both are EQUALLY commanded. It’s when one is favoured over another that it can create problems. 🙂
 
You take one day at a time and ask God to give you the strength to get through the day, doing what needs to be done. I’ve experienced burn out when I have tried to hang on to “doing for myself.” Christ calls us to do what we can, and that may be limited to praying for others. I know when I’ve concentrated on the needs of others, my worries seem less important. It is difficult when you have health issues and such - The Lord’s Prayer/Our Father is such a simple prayer, but praying it over and over, slowing down each time, has always helped me focus. Keep asking God for your daily bread.
 
Delphinus said:
Take something off your plate. I had to give up a few things myself when I went back to work full-time.
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At this point I honestly couldn’t think of anything to give up. Basically everything is either something that’s necessary for me to have a manageable life (yeah, ok, I could technically live without underwear, but…) or something I have no power to change.
 
DarkLight, I know what you’re saying and feeling believe me. When I was younger, raising my children, watching my middle child suffer and die at 5 months old and contending with an alcoholic, abusive husband and then working a 40 hour week, I was emotionally and physically and spiritually drained every day. A few times I even prayed that God would take me in my sleep only to feel anger when I woke up knowing I had to repeat another chaotic day. But somewhere within that time I was blessed with the Holy Spirit and He lit my heart and soul on fire.
Today, I am in my 70’s, living in a senior citizen subsidized building. I so did not want to move here. I had seen the "crazies’ walking around and others who I thought just didn’t take care of their personal hygiene. Just prior to moving in I told Jesus that although I absolutely didn’t want to live here, that if it was His will for me to move in I would accept His will and do everything I could to make people smile…which was the least I could do because I no longer have resources to help others. I have prayed sincerely everytime an ambulance shows up here (which is pretty often), have had conversations with people who are hurting etc etc.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you only have to do what you can do. God only asks you to love others. Whether it’s to pray for the people around you, the souls in purgatory, the sick and the dying. Step out of your comfort zone, just one step is an offering to God. God doesn’t expect you to “sacrafice taking care of yourself”. He only asks you to love others as He loves you.
May you find peace within your heart and may the Blessed Mother lead you to the real Jesus.
 
I don’t mean to imply that this isn’t true, I’m just sharing my story in case it’s helpful. I don’t know you well enough to know your life so take this with a grain of salt.

I went through two weeks of life and documented everything I did with an app I use called “Daylio”. It allows you to enter in your activities along with your mood while doing them. I documented EVERYTHING I did (with the one exception of bathroom breaks. Ew.) and how it made me feel. I actually found that a weekly activity I did with friends made me feel worse, not better. I also saw that I spent a lot of time in on my phone in the evenings, which didn’t make me feel better. I cut those two things out and replaced them with other things and then did the process over.

This is for just day-to-day life though. I don’t know if you’re dealing with something much heavier, but carving out time for a counselor can be a BIG help. I also suffer from pretty severe depression. I found getting on the right medication made life seem much…lighter. I was doing all the same things, but my brain felt like it was on vacation because I wasn’t constantly worrying.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, make taking care of yourself and feeling better your top priority, just as you’d do so for a loved one. It’s like an airplane…you have to put your mask on first before you help children. You can’t save anyone if you’re dead. 🙂
 
Just do what you can when you can.

Your time and energy are finite. Think of them as money. If you don’t have money to give, then you can’t give it. You can’t give something that you don’t have. You are time and energy poor. Just like the poor woman who gave two coins…Jesus said that she gave more than the wealthy were giving.
 
observing said:
DarkLight, I know what you’re saying and feeling believe me. When I was younger, raising my children, watching my middle child suffer and die at 5 months old and contending with an alcoholic, abusive husband and then working a 40 hour week, I was emotionally and physically and spiritually drained every day. A few times I even prayed that God would take me in my sleep only to feel anger when I woke up knowing I had to repeat another chaotic day. But somewhere within that time I was blessed with the Holy Spirit and He lit my heart and soul on fire.
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That feels close in a way. I’m dealing with health problems that most people don’t get until old age, at 30 years old. I’m not really getting any answers as to what’s going on, just more and more meds and a bunch of tests that all show negative. A lot of times the meds don’t even do much so they’re just throwing one thing after another at it blindly.

I’m trying to avoid my (highly manipulative and emotionally abusive) mother and feeling like I have no support doing that. Basically if child abuse isn’t caught under 18, as far as most everything is concerned it’s not possible for parents to be abusive towards adult children. I’m also terrified because I’ve been told before that if my family is willing to help me out, I’m not eligible for assistance from other sources. I’m sure my mother would love to have me dependent again and unable to leave.
 
DarkLight said:
I’m trying to avoid my (highly manipulative and emotionally abusive) mother and feeling like I have no support doing that. Basically if child abuse isn’t caught under 18, as far as most everything is concerned it’s not possible for parents to be abusive towards adult children. I’m also terrified because I’ve been told before that if my family is willing to help me out, I’m not eligible for assistance from other sources. I’m sure my mother would love to have me dependent again and unable to leave.
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Sorry to butt in again…I just have a LOT of experience with this particular subject. I had to cut my parents out of my life entirely. For my safety, and the safety of my family. It SUCKS. More than I can say. It hurts so bad…but it’s nothing compared to the hurt they were causing. It was absolutely necessary. It’s no less than they do for children who are being treated the same way.

Who told you that you don’t qualify for assistance if your family is willing to help? At 30, this shouldn’t be the case at all! But I’m willing to bet it was family that told you that. It’s just not the case, at least not in my area. ESPECIALLY if said family is abusive!

ETA: If your family as been abusive, please know that learned helplessness is SO VERY MUCH a symptom of that. Whether it’s physical, emotional, sexual, whatever. You have been trained to feel helpless, worthless, and incapable. They HAVE to train you that way so you’ll put up with the abuse! It makes every solution seem impossible! Take a step in faith. Get away from toxic influences. Fill you life with all the good things you can! Know that God is so passionately in love with YOU that he DIED for you. He underwent abuse and made HIMSELF totally helpless to save YOU. You owe it to yourself AND to HIM to get the help you need and have the things in life you need to be as healthy as you can!
 
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Delphinus said:
Who told you that you don’t qualify for assistance if your family is willing to help? At 30, this shouldn’t be the case at all! But I’m willing to bet it was family that told you that. It’s just not the case, at least not in my area. ESPECIALLY if said family is abusive!
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It wasn’t. I talked to private charities. Part of the problem is I have nothing to point to as clear abuse. My mother has always been very good at flipping things around so she’s always the victim. Even going to professionals and being believed that she’s an innocent victim. She’ll flip it so she just wants to help even though you’re mistreating her so horribly. And I feel like a lot of people can’t understand how an abusive parent might be willing to provide financial support, or why it’s dangerous.

I’ve had a lot of trouble with mental health treatment in the past. A lot of disbelief and a lot of pushing meds that had severe or even dangerous side effects. Sometimes not being believed on those effects. So any sort of counseling or treatment is another huge trauma trigger.
 
DarkLight said:
What does living a christian life even look like in that situation? It seems like you’re essentially forced into selfishness,
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You are under HARDSHIP, as the OT says life is full of hard works.
DarkLight said:
“take care of myself and my needs and don’t worry about others” or “burn out trying to help other people.”
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Here comes a REALLY BIG LESSON:

Jhon 15:5 …because without me you can do nothing.
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Not having time and being overworked is a condition of hardship that shows us helping others is beyond our strength and ability, it shows us our weakness and shows us we must rely on Jesus to do everything. He is our strength and our help.

When, you know for certain that you can’t help someone then your only recourse is asking Jesus for help, and that shows wisdom in that you have no illusion regarding your own strength.

You could, even, incur in vanity to think its up to you and to your strength to help others. It isn’t. Whenever you help someone -at best- it was by collaborating with Jesus in helping, in that you were Our Lord’s instrument, His unworthy and weak instrument. Because God’s power is manifested in weakness. That is why, God chooses and privileges weak instruments. Faith and prayer can move mountains.

Another aspect of what you bring up, is our our need to be loved and our desire to love. To be merciful, to be charitable is the desire of a good conscience. But if, realistically, you don’t have the time or the means or the strength to worry and do works of charity. Know, that Our Lord is putting you to a test where perhaps works of charity would be more pleasant to you than the extreme demands daily life can place on us. There, be at peace. You are not required to do more than you can. Do what you can, and rejoice in the help Jesus gave you, because without Him you couldn’t have done so much.
DarkLight said:
“relying on God” do much in the past to keep me from ending up in terrible situations because I couldn’t keep up.
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There will be ups and downs in life. Keep united to Jesus and do the best you can, keep working and He will do the rest. And He will surprise you, when you least expect, if you feel your breaking point nearing keep focus a little longer because frequently it’s near your breaking point that Jesus will act and do whatever is beyond you ability.

God bless.
 
Again, I completely understand. I once saw a therapist when I was struggling with suicidal ideation and attempts tell me she wouldn’t see me anymore because I was a Christian and wouldn’t participate in pagan meditation practices, which involved prayers to spirits…she called me “resistant” and wouldn’t even help me find someone else who would help. I was hospitalized 2 years later…

There ARE good ones out there, though. It takes a lot of work and self-advocacy because the field is SO understaffed and resources are scant. You DESERVE to be believed, and you deserve to have a voice when it comes to your care. It troubles me that the ones you were seeing were pushing meds with dangerous side effects. A good psychiatrist (who you need to see if you are looking at meds) will ALWAYS start you on something mild and then make changes if it doesn’t work. Also keep in mind, if they are recommending mild meds and you’re worried about the, what I call, “Big scaries”, they almost NEVER happen. And USUALLY only occur because people are mixing with other drugs, or aren’t being monitored by a doctor or mental health professional while starting a treatment. You may have to try a few different ones before you find one that works. It took me 6 years and 5 different meds to find my golden combo. If you are finding it hard to see a psychiatrist, another great app is ginger.io. It’s a mental health app that connects you with mental health professionals, and even offers the options of video conference appointments. It was through them I actually found the meds I’m on now. Again, though, I had to switch docs once to find one who was good. The first one dropped me because I was “too scary”. Turns out she misdiagnosed me, put me on a wrong med, and I wound up back in the hospital. The second doc actually listened and saw that I need a very mild and basic anti-depressant and BAM. 6 weeks later life was so much better.

It sounds like she’s a narcissist, honestly. My mother was very similar, but had a whole host of other problems (including a criminal record) which made things a little easier for me to be heard. No one argues with court records…But I’d try state assistance if private charities aren’t helping. If nothing else you can get a basic income, health insurance, food income, even tuition assistance if you need help going back to school. AND you can rest easy knowing that people going through hard times, such as yourself, are EXACTLY what these programs are for…and this is all coming from a small government conservative here. 😉
 
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DarkLight said:
I’m trying to avoid my (highly manipulative and emotionally abusive) mother and feeling like I have no support doing that.
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You have my support and I trust your judgement. When I said (that in principle) this isn’t a decision to be taken lightly - having said as much lends support to the grave decision you took. And I am aware of your health problems in as far as you shared them with us on the forum. My heart and thoughts goes out to you.
 
I actually make a decent income. It’s the rest of life where I tend to struggle. Making food and making myself eat it, keeping the apartment clean enough, ensuring the laundry is done. All that stuff. But it means I am doing fine on paper.

The trouble with mental health is even if there are good practitioners out there, that doesn’t matter to trauma reactions. They’ll still go off and knock you out of commission. It’s just like how a woman might react after assault to dating, even if she knows most men are good. Also there seems to be something off with how I react to meds. Like I’ve had multiple instances of rare reactions. That happens not just with mental health meds, and it makes many things difficult to treat.
 
Again, I totally get it. I was DXed PTSD with acute depression. Turns out counseling and a little prozac did the job. And getting away from my parents. Panic attacks are terrible! My triggers were totally unavoidable. I wound up having to stay in my house a LOT until things evened out…I missed Mass a lot… 😦

It’s going to take time and a lot of fighting. You can TOTALLY do this! Of course things like making food and eating seem exhausting. I totally understand. Keep up the fight, and remember Jesus is fighting for you. If you feel like you want to give up, look to the cross and see how much HE fought for you. He won’t ever, ever, EVER let you go or give up on you. No matter how hopeless it seems or how dark things get. He will ALWAYS stand by you to the point of torture and death on a cross. He has got your back! And so do we. hugs
 
just do the best you can, your situation is different from the situation of others. God calls us all to different things, and also at different times.

and not everyone’s health is te same, I get much more tired and faster than othrs my age, because I am prone to iron deficiency, so I simply can’t take on as much as some other people can.

when I was in university, I had a lot of time between classes to do volunteering, now that I work full time, that’s no longer an option, so things had to be changed around a bit., your life seems hectic right now, but maybe something in the future will help it make more stable
 
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