Catholic living when everything's going wrong and you're exhausted

[po18guy]

It’s all a matter of perspective. Since 2008, I have had three cancers, stage IV at least twice. 100 or so tumors total. Just finished my 20th drug in 11 regimens. Total body irradiation. Four clinical trials. Stem cell transplant. I have been in constant treatment for almost eleven years. I now have Graft-versus-Host-Disease, hypertension, barely controlled 'roid rage from steroids, type II diabetes, osteoporosis, chronic kidney disease, peripheral neuropathy in hands and feet, cataracts, the beginning of glaucoma.

Yet, I find joy in each day. I have asked - begged - the Lord for the grace to suffer well. I have a looong way to go, but there can be joy found even in physical suffering. I don’t hold it in. I try not to dwell on it. I offer it up, knowing that good will come from it.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

We keep talking in church about doing more for God, helping others, all that sort of thing. That these are the things we should be doing as Catholics, that it’s not enough to simply live your life and go to church. But so often it seems that that’s everything - once I’ve taken care of myself, showing up to church is everything I’ve got left.

I have frequently had issues with this kind of constant message coming from the pulpit too, when I feel like I have my hands full trying to cope with life. My struggles often seem small compared with those of other people I know, meet or hear about, but they are real struggles, and one of them is a constant level of anxiety that even if everything is relatively OK today, it could suddenly get 1000 times worse tomorrow.

Unfortunately, many priests and even the Pope frequently seem to preach as if most people are not thinking about God or others at all and just show up automatically to warm the pew for an hour on Sunday and then forget about God and others the rest of the week. There is rarely an acknowledgement that some people in the pews at least are trying to do better, or that some people in the pews are overwhelmed with their own life troubles and may only be able to give a quick prayer to God and a smile to someone else. I don’t want a gold star or a bouquet, and I understand we are all sinners and we all have room for improvement, but I don’t want to be treated all the time like I’m lazy or uncaring either. if I went to work every day and my boss never noted anything positive about my work but simply kept saying we need to do more and do better, I, and all the other employees, would get demoralized really fast. I often think that the priests and deacons giving these type talks just don’t “get” that or else maybe they are depressed or something themselves and it’s coming out in some of the homilies.

Unfortunately, those of us who take our faith seriously and are trying to get through a bad patch in our lives often go to church more, so we hear twice as many of these “you need to do more for God and for others” speeches and they affect us more than the pew-warmer guy who probably isn’t even listening or isn’t even at the Mass.

You need to tune out a little bit, focus on YOU, and as far as doing more for other people, just try to be kind to them. Listen to them if you can, say a quick prayer. As for God, I’m sure you’re in touch with him all day long as you go through your struggles, and not in a “gimme” way. I know I’m in touch with him all day long too.

At times like this when the sermons are not helpful - and I think Lent is kind of prime time for unhelpful sermons - I remember that my mother taught me when I was young that we do not go to Mass to listen to the sermon. She had her own struggles with homilies that were just not helpful to her when she was stretched very thin trying to take care of her own responsibilities, which included dealing with my dad’s multiple consecutive serious illnesses. Like I said, if it’s not helpful to you, just tune out. You’re there for Jesus and He understands.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Ugh. I hear you, DarkLight.

Seriously, sometimes we’re the windshield and sometimes we’re the bug.

But if you know you’re at your limit of what you can do, then be at peace. These sermons and exhortations are meant for Christians in general, to remind us and encourage us, not to guilt-trip us.
Sometimes we’re in a position to give care, and sometimes we need care ourselves. It’s okay to be on the receiving end of caring. We are all there from time to time, and there’s no shame in it.
I’ll be remembering you in my own prayers today, for your health and your family situation.
And don’t hesitate to come on here to vent ray:t2:

 

[DarkLight]

Unfortunately, many priests and even the Pope frequently seem to preach as if most people are not thinking about God or others at all and just show up automatically to warm the pew for an hour on Sunday and then forget about God and others the rest of the week. There is rarely an acknowledgement that some people in the pews at least are trying to do better, or that some people in the pews are overwhelmed with their own life troubles and may only be able to give a quick prayer to God and a smile to someone else. I don’t want a gold star or a bouquet, and I understand we are all sinners and we all have room for improvement, but I don’t want to be treated all the time like I’m lazy or uncaring either. if I went to work every day and my boss never noted anything positive about my work but simply kept saying we need to do more and do better, I, and all the other employees, would get demoralized really fast.

Thanks. I have some suspicion that some aspects from my own upbringing are playing in as well. I don’t know if it’s become more over lately or if I’m just better at recognizing it, but my mother has a tendency to pull out “you’re selfish” whenever someone else gets in the way of her getting what she wants. I was very much in the family where you’d better get it right in the first time and not bother anyone with your problems. Means I’m extra sensitive to that sort of message, I suspect.

 

[Neithan]

I think the whole Prosperity Gospel thing has really inverted Christianity in pernicious ways. God did not even spare His Son from horrible suffering. We are called to pick up our cross every day and emulate Christ. There is (at least I can say this from my own experience) an inner peace and joy, however, when we live in grace, despite all the suffering of this valley of death. That spiritual well-being is much better than any worldly pleasure. Do you have any time to just relax, to “be still and know” that He Is God? Even a minute or two really helps the soul, I find. Holiness always begins and ends in prayer. The good deeds are what happens in between.

 

[DarkLight]

I think there is some in me that remembers all I’ve been through and my prayers through it. I remember being the child begging God to change things at home. And the only thing it seems I ever got for all my prayers was a massive load of guilt for being such a horrible child. After all, what God wanted more than anything was for little girls to obey their parents, and I was a miserable failure at that.

I was young, I couldn’t see that I was being set up to fail at home. What I knew was that the important thing was for me to obey my parents. And somehow I never was, no matter how hard I tried.

That’s been a common experience for me. Praying and trusting God leads to increased guilt and shame, and can hold you back from actually fixing things (because it would be selfish and not obeying God).

 

[halogirl]

You are loved. X

 

[TheLittleLady]

We do what we do according to our state of life.

Once I was super volunteer, not just at Church but with community and political groups.

Then my husband had heart failure. For years my life has been heart failure and work.
I could pray when I could. That was it.

After his life saving surgery 2+ months ago, he is beginning to be stable again. I’ve actually done a couple of volunteer things. It feels good! But, I can do maybe 2wice each month.

You do what you can when you can.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’ve tried several times to be a volunteer. Several attempts didn’t work out very well for one reason or another - either they didn’t need volunteers or in one case a priest suddenly did something so strange I was afraid to go back. I haven’t ruled it out for the future, but as of now my schedule doesn’t have me in one place enough to take on any regular assignment. I pray for people instead because I can do that from anywhere, even in the car. And if I run across someone who needs help and I can help them somehow, I try to do that.

 

[Mintaka]

I think the text for your current life is “If you don’t work, you don’t eat.” Take care of yourself and your family, and wait on God for anything else.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I keep telling my friends and family, I just need one stretch of 3-4 days where no one requires anything of me (this includes cooking, setting up medications, heck, showering) so I can really be refreshed.

Not going to happen. I have no paid time off until July and that will have to be saved for my husband’s possible heart transplant operation. In fact, I really need to take a second job soon.

 

[DarkLight]

Minor clarification: I’m trying to avoid my family here! I’m unmarried, so family is pretty much just my parents. Neither are disabled, but my mother tends to insist I ought to take care of her every wish anyway.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Also, it’s very hard to “pull yourself together” when you’re physically exhausted.
Amd then your mental and spiritual life start to spiral.
It’s very wise that you’ve gone to get a work-up for your physical health
Is there anything you can do right now for yourself, like exercize (even just taking a walk), fresh air and sunshine, making sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating properly and avoiding junk food, alcohol and caffeine. Sometimes journaling helps. And don’t isolate yourself from your friends.
(Speaking as somebody who has done all these poor choices when life gets overwhelming…)

 

[Tis_Bearself]

LittleLady, can’t you get a temporary carer to step in and help your husband for just a few days so you could have a break? You don’t want to burn yourself out…

 

[DarkLight]

I’m trying. The nice thing about a bit more income is I can at least afford some chinese carryout or something. One order lasts me a while! I’ve not been sleeping well, which doesn’t help. Tempted to see how much a bit of cleaning help would be - probably don’t even need a professional. There’s a lot of unexplained symptoms right now.

I could really use some of the librium again, but they hoard that stuff like gold.

Oh and I’m bringing in another cat. That’s always helped.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Sadly, I’d have to have the $$ to go somewhere away. Right now, not in the cards. To go to family means simply different sick folks.

 

[DarkLight]

We need like a CAF home swap or something.

 

[TheLittleLady]

With free airfare

If I could GET to a beach, I would literally sleep on the beach to have a few days there. Like, camped out at night.

 

[adgloriam]

After all, what God wanted more than anything was for little girls to obey their parents

Ohh this, is sooo dificult, and I have sooo many times found this recount when I talk about the faith with my acquaintances and they speak of their relationship with God in their younger years.

Ephesians 6:4. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger (…)

Proverbs 22:6. Train the young in the way they should go; even when old, they will not swerve from it

Colossians 3:21. Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they may not become discouraged

Right here @DarkLight. You can see in the short 4 versicle sets Eph 6:1 to Eph 6:4 and Col 3:20-12 that what God wants is harmony and balance in the family as a whole. That every single member of the family is equally bound in obligation to the whole. And when, with no fault of the child, one of the parents fails at this, the child stands to suffer, as Jesus did. It’s terrible, that the parents “anger their child”, “be unjust to the child”, “provoke their child”, “exasperate their child”…and so, they discourage their child.

And somehow I never was, no matter how hard I tried.

You tried, and your endurance and suffering, to this day, is of virtue, of heroic virtue.

God bless.

 

[adgloriam]

I’m trying. The nice thing about a bit more income is I can at least afford some chinese carryout or something. One order lasts me a while! I’ve not been sleeping well, which doesn’t help. Tempted to see how much a bit of cleaning help would be - probably don’t even need a professional. There’s a lot of unexplained symptoms right now.

I could really use some of the librium again, but they hoard that stuff like gold.

Oh and I’m bringing in another cat. That’s always helped.

Invite a friend over for a salad, and ask him/her if they’d be so kind as to help you around the house for 45-60 minutes. You’ll see everything gets done in no time, and you get to enjoy each others company while you’re tidying the house. (give them the easier chores, like dishes, mopping floor, cleaning counter, taking out trash…Meanwhile you can take care of the more personal stuff. One of these sessions done right should last around 1 month, requiring only minor tidying in the meanwhile.)