Catholic marrying a non believer

[NotProudToBeCanadian]

As a former atheist and agnostic who married into the faith, so to speak, I would recommend that your daughter be firm and tell him what my future wife told me: that she wants her marriage to be a sacrament. What reason could he possibly give for not wanting to explore the fullness of truth that the Catholic Church lays claim to? If not for himself and his own quest for knowledge, to please her.

Also, keep inviting him to Mass, and have her ask him if he would be willing to meet with a competent representative of the Church, such as a deacon, or someone from the RCIA. This will expose him to ideas in ways that are easy to digest. I recommend this not because I think him incapable of fully understanding Christian ideas, but because they will ease him out of his complacency and into a mode of inquiry.

If he truly loves her, and is as smart as you think he is, things such as reading, listening and learning shouldn’t be posing a problem. And so long as he’s intellectually honest, he won’t be able to withstand the truth for very long.

However, if he’s not even willing to have his worldview challenged, he may be far too immature to care for anyone other than himself, or he could have a psychological issue such as narcissistic personality disorder, or he might not even be able to comprehend any time soon what authentic love is.

This isn’t to call people who don’t share our beliefs stupid, though they very well may be. Only to point out that there are many reasons people willfully ignore, thumb their nose at, or diametrically oppose Christian teaching, and that these reasons are not usually indicative of the sorts of virtues and traits that make for healthy, long-lasting relationships. At least, not the kind that your daughter would wish to be part of.

But the awesomely good news is that the Holy Spirit is working through your daughter and your family to get to him! If you continue to live out your faith with confidence and joy, and treat him gently and with love, there’s a chance for him, just as there was for me.

 

[Lou2U]

Ah, okay. I assumed you were considering it as you said you were going to look at some recommendations. If you can, tell your son to pull back a little. Ultimately it’s your daughter’s relationship and it’s something she needs to discuss with him, not have others involved.

 

[smos]

You seem to be uncomfortable with the idea that she is going to end up making a mistake. Mistakes can be powerful teaching experiences. If she doesn’t make mistakes and clean up her own messes, she’s never going to learn.

This isn’t like choosing the wrong college, or buying the wrong car. It really doesn’t get any bigger than deciding who to marry. The wrong choice has rippling consequences, especially if children are involved. There is no do over for the children that are brought into the “mistake”. I’m not one to sweat the small stuff, but I think concern in this area is warranted.

 

[AndrewAxland]

I’m not one to sweat the small stuff, but I think concern in this area is warranted.

If she’s not ready to take full responsibility for her actions and work out big issues like this on her own, then maybe she’s not at the right stage in her life to consider marriage in the first place. Give her room to grow. If you keep mollycoddling her, she may never be ready for marriage. How do you expect here to make tough decisions regarding eventual children if she can’t do so for herself? It’s time to cut the cord.

Like I said, the only advice I’d give my boys in a matter like this is to decide promptly so that they don’t waste anyone’s valuable time.

 

[Hope1960]

I feel this needs to be considered. There IS the possibility the interfaith thing doesn’t bother the daughter as much as her strongly Catholic parent is lead to believe. I don’t know what the relationship is like but it’s possible when the daughter visits home she’s confronted with all this and is, in the moment, upset, but that it doesn’t bother her as much outside of that.

I thought the same thing.

 

[JanetF]

I just think, given the age of the woman involved, the OP seems to be too involved in these intimate issues between her daughter and the BF. Obviously, if daughter is drawing mother into the “quandry”, that is a problem in and of itself. If mom is angling for BF to change an integral part of himself (non-believer to believer), that is also a problem. I just see dysfunction written all over the situation as it was presented, mainly because it seems like there may be boundary issues. Easy enough to fix, though. That is the good part.

Some mothers/daughters are extremely close and that’s not a bad thing! This daughter appears to trust her mother enough to ask her opinion about important problems in her life. That’s not a bad thing! It’s natural for mom to want to help her. I don’t see boundary issues in this scenario, nor do I see dysfunction. The OP doesn’t indicate that she is giving unsolicited advice to her daughter. The only unsoliticited thing was the brother giving the BF a book.

 

[JanetF]

If you keep giving her “comfort”, she’s just going to keep coming back for more, like an addict or a kid who has never been weened.

If you keep giving her advice and helping her make the right decision, she’ll never learn to do so for herself, and end up being a mental cripple.

While you might find it flattering that she comes to you, it appears to me that she is using you to avoid taking responsibility for her own actions. If things don’t work out, don’t be surprised if she dumps all the blame on you for “ruining her life”.

You seem to be uncomfortable with the idea that she is going to end up making a mistake. Mistakes can be powerful teaching experiences. If she doesn’t make mistakes and clean up her own messes, she’s never going to learn.

Wow. I certainly hope that my child knows that no matter how old she gets she can always come to me for comfort when she is faced with a life challenge. I don’t think that will make her an emotional cripple. We all need advice from people once in a while.

Marrying the wrong person is not just a “mistake”, it has ripple effects that can and often do last a lifetime.

 

[AndrewAxland]

. I certainly hope that my child knows that no matter how old she gets she can always come to me for comfort when she is faced with a life challenge.

There’s a reason I put “comfort” in quotes. Read the thread again and think about it.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Some mothers/daughters are extremely close and that’s not a bad thing! This daughter appears to trust her mother enough to ask her opinion about important problems in her life. That’s not a bad thing! It’s natural for mom to want to help her. I don’t see boundary issues in this scenario, nor do I see dysfunction. The OP doesn’t indicate that she is giving unsolicited advice to her daughter. The only unsoliticited thing was the brother giving the BF a book.

My daughter and I are one of those close mother/daughter relationships. I guess where I would suggest caution is when daughter is repeatedly expressing distress at her situation. For me, it is about boundaries and respecting my adult daughter as an adult. I guess I will add my closest friends know not to do that with me…constantly complain about some such situation they are in. My shoulder isn’t available as a way of perpetuating an unhealthy cycle. What OP described sounded unhealthy to me because it is repetitive. As a mother, my encouragement would be to make a decision one way or another and then move on with it. I wouldn’t be encouraging her to try to convert the boyfriend or compromise on the big things in life that are important for her.

 

[Damian]

How about the wild idea that you raised her to be an adult and this is something that she is happy with. You seem to be trying to undermine this relationship, but you don’t think your deity could do this itself if it wanted to? You know better than your deity for wanting this relationship to end? Maybe her faith will be reinforced through this loving relationship with this man. As always, good things are your god’s will and bad things is your god working in mysterious ways. It has a plan right? Who are you to mess up it’s plan?

On a side note, belief isn’t a choice. It’s the results you come to from what reality has presented and how you have learned to think about it. His unwillingness to explore christianity is probably the same reason for your unwillingness to explore every other religion out there. What would it take before you start exploring the jedi religion? Not believe it, but just to start exploring it.

You can still be culturally religious and be an atheist/agnostic. Believe it or not, but statistically speaking, you probably have an atheist in your church right now. They just don’t believe the supernatural magic of it, but love the traditions, its values, messages, and the people.

Remember, most people will pick their husband and wife over their parents in weight of valuable relationships in their lives.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

How about the wild idea that you raised her to be an adult and this is something that she is happy with.

If you had actually read the thread, you would see several posts discussing that the daughter has actually expressed unhappiness with the situation.

 

[smos]

His unwillingness to explore christianity is probably the same reason for your unwillingness to explore every other religion out there.

You are certainly good at jumping to conclusions. If you read the thread you wouldn’t have replied as you did. My daughter has repeatedly come to me about her unrest in her relationship. I came here to get advice from other like minded Catholics and Christians, not from a self professed Atheist. Not sure why you’re on this forum, but I also believe that God works in mysterious ways, and may use your time here to enlighten you.

I have studied other religions, in particular the Muslim faith and other secular beliefs such as yours. I have done so in order to better understand people of other faiths, so that I can connect with them and build a relationships with them, just as Christ would have. I continue to study so that if God puts me in a place where I am given the chance to defend my faith and point them to God, I can do so with confidence and joy.

I also believe that God does have a plan for all of his children, but he also gives us free will. And because of our propensity to sin, we suffer the consequences of sin, which can be quite painful and bad. God can bring good out of bad circumstances but I do not believe it is his plan to cause bad things to happen. His mysterious ways are manifest in how he turns ashes into beauty. My prayer for you is that someday you will experience his glory and see that he is the way, the truth and the light.