Catholic-Protestant Marriages

[JFlats]

Before I respond to the post, I would like to thank Kevin for starting a thread on such an important and relevant topic. I would also gently remind him that sarcasm (his comment on homeschooling and cloistered living) is neither warranted nor helpful.

I’ll get off my soapbox now.

I am a cradle Catholic, married to another cradle Catholic. We both have family members and friends who are in mixed marriages, a term that seems appropriate as these unions seem to send *mixed *messages and result sometimes in confused (*mixed-*up) offspring.

The objective message is that all churches are alike. Just like there are different flavors of milk shakes, there are different churches. You happen to like vanilla, I happen to like chocolate. We can enjoy our own flavor and even on occasion share each other’s milk shake. The important point is that we all get along in a loving manner as children of a loving God.

The problem comes when going beyond the milk shake. How do you explain that one church says that piece of bread, that cup of wine is really, truly and substantially the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, but another church doesn’t? How do you explain that one church allows (in fact, actively promotes) birth control, abortion and homosexual acts, but another one condemns them as sins? How do you explain that one church allows female ordination, but another church adamantly refuses? Ad infinitum.

My observation of mixed marriages of relatives and close friends is that there is a great deal of effort needed for a these marriages to succeed, akin to maintaining constant balance on a circus high wire. Marriage of its nature is already fraught with tension and potential problems; being of different churches adds another layer of difficulty.

And that is why in raising and counseling our 3 children, we emphasized the importance of choosing a Catholic spouse (preferably a *practising *Catholic obedient to the magisterium).

My hats off to all who have posted who struggle with this issue and who, with God’s grace, remain obedient to the Catholic Church and loyal to their spouses and children as well. May God continue to lead you.

 

[bes435]

Kevin Cassidy:

Any opinions on the current state of mixed marriages? I have been in a mixed marriage for 10 years and my experience is between two extremes: traditionalists who frown upon the fact that I attend worship at my wife’s church on a monthly basis and assist with VBS etc. after I go to Mass each week and progressives who think it would be okay for me to miss Mass if I worshipped at my wife’s church and would be okay for me to commune there which I do not do.

Is there a way to be truly observant of the rules and still be ecumenical? It seems hard to find clear guidelines as to what we are allowed to do. The canon law was changed in 1983 regarding mixed marriages but few seem to be aware of this. Likewise while it was changed it was not changed as much as some think. For example the 1993 Ecumenical Directory allows for a Protestant minister to offer a reading at a baptism for pastoral reasons with the ordinary’s permission. How can we celebrate the Christian realities in a mixed marriage while not diluting the Catholicism.

You should consult a priest on this one. Actually, I read a book by Scott Hahn, about his conversion to the Church (before his wife and children converted), and he sought special permission (i think a dispensation) from the Church in order to attend non-Catholic services.

 

[CD4]

**I do not think one needs “permission” to attend Protestant services…I often go with my husband, but of course I also attend Mass. **

 

[ahimsaman72]

kenmraz:

What if you were married in the same faith, but one of you converts? To Catholicism? The problem is some people (like me) believe their faith, as far as it goes, and it is the same as their spouse’s. Then they begin to hunger for more of the truth and find it, but the other person doesn’t/can’t see it. That’s where I am.

I was convinced that the Catholic church is the one, true church several years ago, but to avoid trouble in my marriage, I did nothing. My wife knew how I felt, but she did nothing. The end result was, for a couple of years, we did nothing: we didn’t even attend our church, which we had at one point been very involved in.

Last year I entered RCIA. It was some of the most gut-wrenching times I have faced, and it isn’t over. But I since then I have been to mass every week, sometimes more than once. My children see me going to church. My wife is beginning to go back to church, although not every week. It has forced us to talk more, and recognize our faults and improve our marriage. Things that were just deteriorating slowly have been pulled up into the light of day and we are dealing with them.

The short point is, sometimes a mixed marriage is inevitable; when a member of a protestant marriage converts, you have a “mixed” marriage. And yeah, its a lot of trouble. But the alternative would have been for me to continue to ignore the truth, and willfully reject our Lord, which is a grave sin. And ultimately that would have been the most trouble of all…

God bless,

Ken

Ken,
I’m in that boat now. My wife and I are both baptized protestants, but now that I found the truth in the Catholic church, I will be starting RCIA classes soon. You know, I was about to say, heck with it - I won’t convert - I’ll be Catholic in my heart because I don’t want to upset my wife and family, but that’s not the answer either.
It’s going to be a tough ride, but I think for us it has to be inevitable because I want our kids to be baptized and raised Catholics (my wife consented to this). I think it’s important enough that I am committed to going through it. There will be bumps, but through it all, we love each other and are committed to our marriage and kids. As long as you have that - you can go through anything. My two cents…
God bless you Ken as you followed the leading of God and moved forward!
Woody

 

[RBushlow]

Thank God for this forum. I have a question along these lines. What if a person was married to a devorced protestant in a protestant ceremony while they were fallen away from the Church. After many years they have since returned to the Faith, but the protestant spouse refuses to have an annulment of their prevous marriage or discuss marying in the Catholic Church or having the union blessed by the Church. What is the situation of this person with respect to receiving the Sacrements? Thank you.

 

[bengal_fan]

Marys daughter:

Sounds to me like you are chugging along just the way you should be. (As long as you don’t receive communion at her church)

i don’t understand why a catholic cannot participate in communion at a protestant church. understand, i know what catholics believe about the eucharist (and i believe the same thing) but since the protestant ministers aren’t operating under the guise of the real presence and are saying that it is a symbol (and they don’t have the ability to consecrate the bread and wine) why isn’t it just a symbol in thier churches and thus a catholic would symbolically be sharing in a meal with their Christian brothers and sisters. i understand why a protestant should not take the eucharist at a catholic church since they have a very different view of what the bread and wine (now body and blood after being consecrated) are, but it doesn’t makes sense that a catholic is sinning when eating just a piece of bread and drinking grape juice (since that is what protestants use) with fellow Christians. please some one nicely explain it to me.

 

[CD4]

RBushlow:

Thank God for this forum. I have a question along these lines. What if a person was married to a devorced protestant in a protestant ceremony while they were fallen away from the Church. After many years they have since returned to the Faith, but the protestant spouse refuses to have an annulment of their prevous marriage or discuss marying in the Catholic Church or having the union blessed by the Church. What is the situation of this person with respect to receiving the Sacrements? Thank you./QUOTE}

There is actually a term for this problem, and a way to deal with it…Can’t remember it, but I’m sure someone else will…Sorry…

 

[space_ghost]

Let me see if i can put this right… if i had to do it all over again, we would have never dated… i am catholic (still am), she is southern baptist (still is) even against my advice… for 26 years she has never listened to my advice.

Our children were/are raised/raising catholic, and she agreed to that prior to our wedding and had since never regretted it…

Both of us have counseled our children to try to date within their faith community… because you will fall in love with whom you date, and you will marry whom you fall in love with… so increase your chances of not having to fight the battles that we have fought and shed the tears we have shed and cried the nights we have cried… now, outside that admonishment, they are surely free to marry whomever they fall in love with… i hope they are catholic, and believe it or not my wife does too… (i hope)… (she says she does)… (never could trust that baptist)

Yes i love her with all the life within me, and if i dated her again i would fall in love and marry her all over again… so it would have been better had i listened to my parents and date within my church, (The Catholic Church that is)

 

[CD4]

My husband was raised Catholic, I was raised in the Methodist Church…When we married, we became active in the Presbyterian Church where my Mom worked…Then, after 18 years, he "re-
**verted"…I converted…Three years ago he became an Evangelical Protestant, so we are now in a “mixed marriage”…I go to Mass, he goes to church services and we meet at Sunday School. Someitmes I attend church with him, but always attend Mass, also. **

I have to say that it is working out pretty well, although I do continue to pray that he will eventually re-vert…again…

The Evangelical churh my DH is a member of is sort of our shared church, so to speak. It is the one we are active in as a couple…He just feels pretty negative about out local parish…I don’t push things…I love the people at our “shared church”, and given my own background, feel pretty comfortable there. I do not, of course, receive communion there, and am not shy about acknowledging my Catholic faith…This pleases my husband, for some reason…Maybe someday he will return…

 

[bengal_fan]

CD4,

that has to be one of the strangest situations i’ve ever heard. i used to live in cincy, great city. i miss it very much. good luck with your absolutely mind-boggling situation.

 

[ahimsaman72]

CD4,

I think it’s great your family has found common ground. Anything is possible - with God’s help.
God bless.

 

[space_ghost]

My husband was raised Catholic, I was raised in the Methodist Church…When we married, we became active in the Presbyterian Church where my Mom worked…Then, after 18 years, he "re-
**verted"…I converted…Three years ago he became an Evangelical Protestant, so we are now in a “mixed marriage”…I go to Mass, he goes to church services and we meet at Sunday School. Someitmes I attend church with him, but always attend Mass, also. **

I have to say that it is working out pretty well, although I do continue to pray that he will eventually re-vert…again…

The Evangelical churh my DH is a member of is sort of our shared church, so to speak. It is the one we are active in as a couple…He just feels pretty negative about out local parish…I don’t push things…I love the people at our “shared church”, and given my own background, feel pretty comfortable there. I do not, of course, receive communion there, and am not shy about acknowledging my Catholic faith…This pleases my husband, for some reason…Maybe someday he will return…

boy, you got my respect… :bowdown: :bowdown: :bowdown:

 

[BLB_Oregon]

bengal_fan:

i don’t understand why a catholic cannot participate in communion at a protestant church. understand, i know what catholics believe about the eucharist (and i believe the same thing) but since the protestant ministers aren’t operating under the guise of the real presence and are saying that it is a symbol (and they don’t have the ability to consecrate the bread and wine) why isn’t it just a symbol in thier churches and thus a catholic would symbolically be sharing in a meal with their Christian brothers and sisters. i understand why a protestant should not take the eucharist at a catholic church since they have a very different view of what the bread and wine (now body and blood after being consecrated) are, but it doesn’t makes sense that a catholic is sinning when eating just a piece of bread and drinking grape juice (since that is what protestants use) with fellow Christians. please some one nicely explain it to me.

According to the catechism, ecclesial communities…separated from the Catholic Church, “have not preserved the proper reality of the Eucharistic mystery in its fullness, especially because of the sacrament of Holy Orders”, and that is why intercommunion is not possible. To receive in those churches would signify that we are in communion, when in fact we are not. It does go both ways. Remember that for us, to receive communion is a profoundly intimate act, whether or not it is seen as such within the community holding the service.

 

[CD4]

bengal_fan:

CD4,

that has to be one of the strangest situations i’ve ever heard. i used to live in cincy, great city. i miss it very much. good luck with your absolutely mind-boggling situation.

---

**Why is our situation “mind-boggling” to you? It isn’t ideal, but it does work. I would never give up the Eucharist…never…but I do appreciate our “shared church”…It was they who came to our aid when I had my heart attack, and we were not even members…my parish barely acknowledged the situation. And, it is they who will support us during our daughter’s long recovery after spinal fushion surgery next week. **

---

The thing I miss most, is having my husband attend Mass with me…Something he will not do just yet. Maybe someday…

 

[CD4]

ahimsaman72:

CD4,

I think it’s great your family has found common ground. Anything is possible - with God’s help.
God bless.

Thank you…Our situation isn’t ideal, but we are doing our best to live with it with grace…I do feel like the odd man out most of the time, since I am the only practicing Catholic in my immediate family. The rest go to the same Evangelical church…My husband, son, daughter and their families…It’s a good thing I feel connected to that church, too…The grandkids are especially active…The little ones are in choirs, and the older one does other things…Our Sunday School Class, called In Joy, is a real blessing to both of us.

---

I do thank God every day for bringing me home to the Catholic Church, and I pray that someday my husband will return to it. I wish my kids would do the same, but am resigned to the fact that they probably will not. I am pleased that at least they are both Christians, and are raising their children to be Christians.

---

**BTW…Our five year old grandson, Michael is very interested in things Catholic…My daughter (his Mom) is Ok with me taking him to Mass with me. I will do that soon. He loves to bless himself with Holy Water…In fact, one day I found him stark naked (after a bath) in my kitchen, practicing with what he calls our Prayer Water…So cute… Anyway, he may be my ally **
**You never know what God has planned!:yup: **

 

[bengal_fan]

****
**Why is our situation “mind-boggling” to you? **

i meant no offense. it is mind boggling because: he was catholic, you weren’t, he left, he went back, you followed, he left again, you stayed. it is a strange situation that i have never heard before. that was all i meant. i’m glad it “works” and i know it’s not ideal, i was not trying to poke fun or anything just simply stating that it is an extremely strange situation. you are catholic, at least in part, because of him and he doesn’t consider himself catholic anymore.

 

[ahimsaman72]

Thank you…Our situation isn’t ideal, but we are doing our best to live with it with grace…I do feel like the odd man out most of the time, since I am the only practicing Catholic in my immediate family. The rest go to the same Evangelical church…My husband, son, daughter and their families…It’s a good thing I feel connected to that church, too…The grandkids are especially active…The little ones are in choirs, and the older one does other things…Our Sunday School Class, called In Joy, is a real blessing to both of us.

---

CD4,
I’m starting RCIA classes in September and trust me, I feel like the odd man out also. I have no family whatsoever and neither does my wife that are catholic, so I feel pretty alone in my ordeal. I just cannot set aside the truth I have found in the Catholic faith. If you have a strong marriage like I do, you realize that people don’t remain the same once you’re married. I’m not the same person I was 9 years ago and neither is my wife, but we accept each other for who we are and support one another - whether or not we agree on the issue. Good for you for sticking to your guns and I’m sure everything will continue to go well. After all, if we don’t follow God, who would we follow? It is us individually that will stand before Him and be judged with the knowledge He gave us. There’s no room for excuses then.
God bless you!

 

[CD4]

<<<After all, if we don’t follow God, who would we follow?>>>

So very true…While I am very much connected to CCM (the Evangelical Church of Christ I mentioned), I know that I am a Catholic, and cannot change that…I tried, and it was much like trying to change the color of my eyes…It couldn’t be done! So, now I rejoice in having the best of both worlds…Of course, the very best is the Eucharist, and that is why I remain a Catholic.

Good luck to you…I hope your experience with the RCIA will be a good one…I have worked with this group for years, and it is my favorite ministry. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at any time…I would love to help.

Hang in there…So often it is the silent witness of a spouse that will draw a husband or wife into the Church…Pope Paul VI, in his encyclical on evangelism said that the first way to evangelize is to be a silent witness…In other words, live you faith, and the rest will follow.

 

[CD4]

bengal_fan:

i meant no offense. it is mind boggling because: he was catholic, you weren’t, he left, he went back, you followed, he left again, you stayed. it is a strange situation that i have never heard before. that was all i meant. i’m glad it “works” and i know it’s not ideal, i was not trying to poke fun or anything just simply stating that it is an extremely strange situation. you are catholic, at least in part, because of him and he doesn’t consider himself catholic anymore.

 

[CD4]

bengal_fan:

i meant no offense. it is mind boggling because: he was catholic, you weren’t, he left, he went back, you followed, he left again, you stayed. it is a strange situation that i have never heard before. that was all i meant. i’m glad it “works” and i know it’s not ideal, i was not trying to poke fun or anything just simply stating that it is an extremely strange situation. you are catholic, at least in part, because of him and he doesn’t consider himself catholic anymore.

**Don’t worry…I knew you did not mean any offense…I was just curious as to why you thought our situation was “mind-boggling”. **

You are right…It is mind-boggling when think of it…I, the convert, turned out to be the strong Catholic, and he, the cradle Catholic, turned out to be the Protestant…Of course, I am hoping that this will change, but I am not worrying about it…He said he will come back to the Catholic Church when God tells him to do so, and I know He will eventually do so…All in His perfect time.

Thank you for your support…There are days when I need it!