Catholics, what if you don't want children during marriage?

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@Littany_Tiffany

Let me apologize for the stark bluntness and even uncharitable attitudes given by some participants here.

You wouldn’t have asked your question unless you were truly concerned.

In addition, you are not even (yet?) Catholic, so it’s not as if you are operating with all the same assumptions and principles as a Catholic would. Maybe other replies would do well to keep this in mind.

Desiring intimacy and companionship are totally natural. I can’t think of any person who does NOT want that. Even people who feel called to celibacy (and not just cornered into it, say, when a spouse abandons, etc.) want intimacy too. Humans are designed for love and relationships.

What’s more, it’s very hard to live in a modern society that tells us romance is the primary form of love, and one that everyone is expected to have. Even the churches tend to act as if everyone is going to be married or else enter the religious life.

With all the being said, I think the most important thing to strive for is discipline. If you want a romantic relationship, then this means you will have to at least be open to the possibility for children, if that should one day be the case. Even in Catholic teaching, there ARE good reasons to postpone children (through licit means like taking advantage of the woman’s natural cycle).

Ask yourself: Can you live the disciplined life where you have a romantic relationship, get married, and stay chaste so as to avoid pregnancy? Do you ever see yourself EVER being open to children one day?
 
If you don’t have a particular man in mind, don’t worry about it so much now. If you have a vocation to marry, married love gives us a new heart. There just may be room in that heart for children after all, and for wanting to see your spouse become a father. There is no guarantee you even can.
 
No to good or neutral: it is a choice for the negative. There is no neutrality with it. It takes a stand either way. Jesus never indicated by His words on marriage that that was part of God’s plan, & in fact, He reiterates the Genesis story as God’s plan:

From Matthew 19 (NABRE - USCCB):

3 a Some Pharisees approached him, and tested him,* saying, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause whatever?”
4 * b He said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’
5 c and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”
7 * d They said to him, “Then why did Moses command that the man give the woman a bill of divorce and dismiss [her]?”
8 He said to them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
9 e I say to you,* whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) and marries another commits adultery.”
10 [His] disciples said to him, “If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”
11 He answered, “Not all can accept [this] word,* but only those to whom that is granted.
12 Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so; some, because they were made so by others; some, because they have renounced marriage* for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Whoever can accept this ought to accept it.”

From Mark 10 (NABRE - USCCB):

2 * The Pharisees approached and asked, “Is it lawful for a husband to divorce his wife?” They were testing him.a
3 He said to them in reply, “What did Moses command you?”
4 They replied, “Moses permitted him to write a bill of divorce and dismiss her.”b
5 But Jesus told them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts he wrote you this commandment.
6 But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.c
7 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife],d
8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

1 Corinthians 7 NABRE - USCCB:

bible.usccb.org

1 Corinthians, CHAPTER 7

Daily Bible Readings, Podcast Audio and Videos and Prayers brought to you by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.
bible.usccb.org bible.usccb.org
 
No to good or neutral: it is a choice for the negative. There is no neutrality with it. It takes a stand either way. Jesus never indicated by His words on marriage that that was part of God’s plan, & in fact, He reiterates the Genesis story as God’s plan:
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Wasn’t asking you.

But thanks!
 
If my wife hadn’t wanted kids I never would have had any. I did not look forward to raising them, though I always did what was expected, and was never comfortable in the role of parent. Now, as a grandparent, I am equally unwilling to become much involved. I totally understand your feelings.
 
Sorry. I saw the question posed, but saw no limit to whom it was addressed. Thought it was a general question.
 
RealisticCatholic said:
Let me apologize for the stark bluntness and even uncharitable attitudes given by some participants here.

You wouldn’t have asked your question unless you were truly concerned.

In addition, you are not even (yet?) Catholic, so it’s not as if you are operating with all the same assumptions and principles as a Catholic would. Maybe other replies would do well to keep this in mind.

Desiring intimacy and companionship are totally natural. I can’t think of any person who does NOT want that. Even people who feel called to celibacy (and not just cornered into it, say, when a spouse abandons, etc.) want intimacy too. Humans are designed for love and relationships.

What’s more, it’s very hard to live in a modern society that tells us romance is the primary form of love, and one that everyone is expected to have. Even the churches tend to act as if everyone is going to be married or else enter the religious life.

With all the being said, I think the most important thing to strive for is discipline. If you want a romantic relationship, then this means you will have to at least be open to the possibility for children, if that should one day be the case. Even in Catholic teaching, there ARE good reasons to postpone children (through licit means like taking advantage of the woman’s natural cycle).

Ask yourself: Can you live the disciplined life where you have a romantic relationship, get married, and stay chaste so as to avoid pregnancy? Do you ever see yourself EVER being open to children one day?
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No worries, man, I was actually the one worried that I was coming off as too “blunt” or rude. I’m glad this can be kept civil. 🙂
Well, I came onto a Catholic forum. AND I have learned some things about Catholicism in the past. Might as keep them in mind to get to know the other side better.
Agreed, I think marriage and romance comes with lots of discipline. Especially the ever-present knowledge that kids ARE inevitable. It’s kind of why I dissed the idea of marriage for a while and decided to be celibate. It’s really not that simple, though. You fall in love, and then you realize that the strongest urge in the world is to be with that person forever. But the reluctance to have children isn’t as easy to change. That’s why I’m still very on the fence about marriage as a whole. Hey, who knows? Maybe celibacy will suit me better in the long-run. Independence and all.
You asked me what I thought about same-sex relationships. Wellll…does it matter what I think of that?🙂
 
You asked me what I thought about same-sex relationships. Wellll…does it matter what I think of that?
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Some people respond better to an intellectual exercise. I thought it may help you to consider whether or not you approve of same-sex relationships, because that may expose a more foundational issue. For example, if you accept them, then at least you are being consistent with your understanding of sex. But if you do not accept them, I would want you to consider whether your beliefs were truly consistent.

We have to ask what the purpose of sex is, in the first place. Not only biologically, but what we can gather about God’s purposes more generally. And then, another question, who is able to speak to God’s purposes?

E.g., as an Orthodox, surely you’d favor the consistent Tradition of the Church. There is not solid “Orthodox answer” in the same way there is a Catholic one to this question. But I wouldn’t want you to be tempted towards Orthodoxy (on this issue) simply because it may be easier to excuse yourself and find an Orthodox theologian who accepts contraception.

Who gets to decide and determine whether contracpetion is OK? Etc.
You fall in love, and then you realize that the strongest urge in the world is to be with that person forever. But the reluctance to have children isn’t as easy to change. That’s why I’m still very on the fence about marriage as a whole.
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I’m not totally knowledgeable about it, but there have been celibate marriages in the Catholic Church. Consider Joseph and Mary. They form the model, which is why these arrangements have been considered “Josephite Marriages” in the past.

I don’t know the whole scoop on it. But it at least goes to show that having a marriage without kids is not inherently wrong — even knowing you are not going to engage in sexual activity.
 
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Moreover, no Catholic can kid themselves (no pun intended):

Marriages are performed all the time with couples who do NOT foresee kids in their future.

My grandmother just got married a few years ago. No one expected them to have kids.

Of course, the idea is that there must be an openness to God’s will. But no one seriously expects elderly couples to have kids. That is, there ARE marriages in Catholicism whereby the two parties go into fully confident they will not be raising any kids.

This isn’t to cast doubt on the Catholic doctrine. Not at all! Marriage and procreation are inter-linked. The point is, the issue may not be so black and white in the sense that a single thread reply is going to solve your question.
 
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I am assuming you are young still. Forgive if I’m wrong. I think it will take a long time before you will be at a place in life to understand that God had His hand on all of this. It really does work out for our betterment.

It took me many, many years before I understood and was able to see that my losses were really my gains. I have no words to explain this beyond just stating that as fact. Through much prayer and time, healing and clarity came into my heart. I was able to move past the why mes and see how blessed my family is. We have 13 personal saints to cheer us on our journey back home to heaven. That is so amazing!

I don’t expect you to understand this. You are not in a stage of life to even begin to ponder such things. Many people way smarter than me might be able to give you theological points to consider. All I can offer you is a voice of experience. And one that understands you may not yet be ready to hear with an open heart yet.

I hope God continues to bless your journey towards understanding, and that He leads you to exactly where He wants you in life.
 
  1. If this couple has never wanted children, then as per church teaching they do not have a valid marriage. It’s that simple. No matter what they call their relationship it is not a marriage.
  2. If this couple wanted children and does not due to fertility issue then they have a valid marriage.
This is all basic church teaching. It’s not up for debate.
 
RealisticCatholic said:
Some people respond better to an intellectual exercise. I thought it may help you to consider whether or not you approve of same-sex relationships, because that may expose a more foundational issue. For example, if you accept them, then at least you are being consistent with your understanding of sex. But if you do not accept them, I would want you to consider whether your beliefs were truly consistent.

We have to ask what the purpose of sex is, in the first place. Not only biologically, but what we can gather about God’s purposes more generally. And then, another question, who is able to speak to God’s purposes?

E.g., as an Orthodox, surely you’d favor the consistent Tradition of the Church. There is not solid “Orthodox answer” in the same way there is a Catholic one to this question. But I wouldn’t want you to be tempted towards Orthodoxy (on this issue) simply because it may be easier to excuse yourself and find an Orthodox theologian who accepts contraception.

Who gets to decide and determine whether contracpetion is OK? Etc.
You fall in love, and then you realize that the strongest urge in the world is to be with that person forever. But the reluctance to have children isn’t as easy to change. That’s why I’m still very on the fence about marriage as a whole.
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I’m not Orthodox because its Church has a looser standard on contraception. In fact, my Orthodox family is now WAY more skeptic about what their church says now, because very often it so happens (Especially in the Orthodox denomination) that authority figures tell their people to do so-and-so because they’re the spiritual leaders who know what God wants. That type of stuff. Here’s the problem: a lot of these authority figures turn out to be so corrupted, or otherwise say such mental things, that it brings a lot of doubt as to whether their rules are truly God-ordained or not. Sure, a lot of Christians use contraception, not because of what the Church said, but because they thought it over and reasoned that birth control doesn’t hurt anyone. “Hey, I’m not hurting anyone, and more autonomy over myself thanks to advancements. So why not?” That type of mode of thinking.
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What about if you don’t want them but go into
Marriage accepting that you will try your best anyway if they do come along ?
 
Sure, a lot of Christians use contraception, not because of what the Church said, but because they thought it over and reasoned that birth control doesn’t hurt anyone. “Hey, I’m not hurting anyone, and more autonomy over myself thanks to advancements. So why not?” That type of mode of thinking.
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Conscience has an important place, and it’s a complicated topic for moral theologians to sort out what this means when you’re up against established church teaching.

No one should ever do anything against their conscience, but we must form our consciences carefully. And your kinds of questions suggest that you are trying to figure it out. That’s good. We all have times in our life where we try to determine where we fit in with the “norm” that is Christian teaching.
"Hey, I’m not hurting anyone, and more autonomy over myself thanks to advancements. So why not?” That type of mode of thinking.
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I know you’re just quoting others, but it’s worth pointing out that this understanding of sin is not complete. Even if something does not directly harm someone, it doesn’t mean it’s not wrong. Remember Jesus said even our lustful thoughts could amount to adultery (hyperbole or not, his point is that even in private we can sin!)
 
That’s kinda of a semantic technicality but ok ok you got me. If the couple intends on not having kids (which is what I had meant originally) then they do not have a marriage.
 
RealisticCatholic said:
Sure, a lot of Christians use contraception, not because of what the Church said, but because they thought it over and reasoned that birth control doesn’t hurt anyone. “Hey, I’m not hurting anyone, and more autonomy over myself thanks to advancements. So why not?” That type of mode of thinking.
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Conscience. Precisely. I believe that we are accountable for our sins largely based on what our inner sense of right and wrong is. Granted, I know the full definition of sin, but listening to what my conscience was ACTUALLY saying and not just dismissing it as irrelevant to the situation really helped me cope with my former fear of Hell.
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