Chastity Is Not Joyous

[CuriousMike]

Mark - I know this might be hard but I would recommend taking Communion for a while. If you have been to Confession and are forgiven your sins, there is no reason to abstain from receiving our Lord. The Eucharist, being the “soul and summit” of our faith carries great power to help us with our everyday lives and nourishes our soul to do great things

If you prefer not to receive Our Lord in Communion - then make an Act of Spiritual Communion, which helps show your desire for Our Lord.

Reading your post about ‘repressing’ your sexuality, please know that we are NOT called to repress our sexuality. It is truly a gift from God - however the Devil and our wicked nature have perverted it into a self-gratifying, closed-to-life “action” we make for our own enjoyment.
In living chastely, we should channel our desires into other things, like truly caring for one-another and ourselves. No person can simply cover up or ignore their personality, as it will escape somewhere by some means.

Please understand that you shouldn’t be upset having to “give this up” for the sake of Jesus and His Church. You should be happy with little gains you make over time, because as another thread described it, “Its like a big ship - you cannot just turn it around right there and then.” You should also be happy that you won’t be harming your body from exerting yourself so excessively.
I can see from your posts that you have toned down in the time you’ve been Catholic - You mentioned you used to masturbate several times each day and now you do it each day or maybe every other day? Thats a pretty big leap forward.

Another thing to remember is this is not a sin that can be battled by willpower, it seems. The first part of getting further is admitting and accepting you have an issue that YOU CANNOT FIX. “Just don’t” doesn’t work for drug addicts, and won’t work here.
This is a battle you must give to God and humble yourself to knowing that GOD WILL get you through this, not your own actions or willpower.

Its worth considering studying and understanding the cycle of addiction, too.
It goes something like this: Frustration → Fantasising → Obsessing → “Using/Doing” → Guilt → Cessation → Passage of Time → Cycle Repeats.
You need to recognise each phase, and when you do, distract yourself. Go somewhere public, a run, say a prayer, ANYTHING to distract yourself. Shunning the Devil when we are first tempted is easier than once we’ve gradually given him more and more access to our Souls.

 

[Mark86]

You are quite young and i have to say i was very very lustful at your age! Lots of men do the same things. Its inbuilt into the male species!

I wish every day that it wasn’t. I don’t know how I can appreciate something that only does me harm. If I was in an abusive relationship, I doubt you’d be telling me to genuinely “live joyfully” with my assailant. How am I to live joyfully with a perpetually unfulfilled sex drive? I’m not talking about physical pleasure… to HELL with physical pleasure!!! All I want is a deep total gift of myself with another human being. That’s it. Why can’t I have that? Isn’t that what God ordains? I want to pour myself out for someone else… I want to be Christ for someone… I want to cook a meal for someone… I want to rub someone’s back after a long day… I want to tend to somone when they are sick… I want to be up at 4am tending to their ills… that’s what I want. Why can’t it be? God, I want to serve, I want to serve… I want to serve. Let it be according to your will!!

My sex drive does me immense spiritual and physical and emotional harm. As we speak, I’m in a state of mortal sin because of it. How can I be appreciative and joyful about it knowing that it is not a redemptive suffering, but objective evil that is doing me in? When someone suffers righteously, they can at least say it’s redemptive and take consolation in that. Every day of my life I live with the words of St. Peter. I am a dog returning to its own vomit… why should I be “joyful” about that?

I am a dog returning to its own vomit because it has no actual food to feast on. Given the choice between starvation and eating my own vomit, my body chooses the vomit.

I’m a young man with talents and drive and strength and desire for God. I can’t just sit around like this, arguing and arguing. It’s just such a waste of Mt energies, like everything in my life is. I pray, okay? But I can do more… I can lift boxes. I can haul tables… I’m basically asking the church “put me to work!” I’ve heard the call of our Holy Father… and so I’m asking, I’m young and I’m strong, and I have insatiable desires for my fellow human beings that need an outlet… put me to work… put me to work… put me to work… good God almighty, put me to work!!

I pray the same for others on this board who are obviously suffering with this as well… I won’t mention names.

Learn about the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and say it every day.

ewtn.com/Devotionals/mercy/dmmap.htm

You are trying so hard to help yourself and God can see that. Now, turn to God and pray the Divine Mercy prayer. It will help you as God is listening and wants to heal you.

Every time I go to confession (3 times a week)… I recite a chaplet of divine mercy after my penance. I also pray it throughout the day already. Sometimes it seems all I do is pray and nothing happens, at least nothing I can see.

 

[Mark86]

Mark - I know this might be hard but I would recommend taking Communion for a while. If you have been to Confession and are forgiven your sins, there is no reason to abstain from receiving our Lord.

Unless I’m already in a state of mortal sin again by the time I get to communion… which for me happens week after week after week. I’m telling you, I go to confession to confess masturbation on Saturday, by the time Sunday dawns, I’ve already fallen into masturbation about two times… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to confession two and sometimes three days in a ROW and still be unable to recieve communion by sunday… it’s just how it is, one… because I am sex ADDICT, and two, because my work schedule makes it impossible to go to evening masses. Really… I wish it was just a matter of “go to confession, then go take communion…” I would love that… but that’s not possible for me.

In living chastely, we should channel our desires into other things, like truly caring for one-another and ourselves. No person can simply cover up or ignore their personality, as it will escape somewhere by some means.

Let me ask a practical question… because this is very important… how? How do I “channel” a biochemical, neurological desire for an orgasmic dopamine norepinephrin release (which is really what I’m addicted to in the first place) into… “caring for one another and myself”? I would really like to know, so I could begin the task of doing it. My neurons need to be rewired from scratch. I need to somehow get at much pleasure out of self sacrifice for others as my brain currently does on having orgasms.

Tell me, how is that done?

This is a battle you must give to God and humble yourself to knowing that GOD WILL get you through this, not your own actions or willpower.

Okay, so I get on my knees and say “here God, I give this problem to you because I can’t fix it.” … … … then what?

I’ve never really understood, in practical steps, how to “give something to god”…other than to just say “god, here ya go… take it, I guess…uh… here you go… you can have this… I’m giving it… are you taking it?”. …etc.

 

[Teabag]

Well, you need to constantly place an image of Jesus in your mind every time you get the urge to do the deed! You have to! How could you do the deed with Our Lord in your mind!

Have a picture, Icon or a Cross with you at all times. Look at it when you get theurge. Remember what Jesus went through every time you look at these items.

I dont know what else to say? It is not easy. It is a big cross that you are bearing buddy.

God bless you

 

[CuriousMike]

Let me ask a practical question… because this is very important… how? How do I “channel” a biochemical, neurological desire for an orgasmic dopamine norepinephrin release (which is really what I’m addicted to in the first place) into… “caring for one another and myself”? I would really like to know, so I could begin the task of doing it. My neurons need to be rewired from scratch. I need to somehow get at much pleasure out of self sacrifice for others as my brain currently does on having orgasms.

Tell me, how is that done?

Okay, so I get on my knees and say “here God, I give this problem to you because I can’t fix it.” … … … then what?

I’ve never really understood, in practical steps, how to “give something to god”…other than to just say “god, here ya go… take it, I guess…uh… here you go… you can have this… I’m giving it… are you taking it?”. …etc.

For my previous post, I tried finding the story of the Three or Two Bishops - which describes how this energy can be “channelled” into love for one another.
Basically - one of the Bishops, instead of averting his eyes for fear of sinning, deeply stared at the women and caught her eyes. The woman had not been looked at in such a compassionate, loving way before. It resulted in her conversion to the faith.
My advice here actually stems from a teen’s Catholic religious education BOOK on sex. I cannot go into specifics, as (unfortunately) I cannot recall them.* Let me say though that I learned a thing or two from it - so it can’t be all that irrelevant for older teens/young adults.

*Correction: I think it may be called “Love and Life,” however the preview on Google has me scratching my head. Here is is, if you want to read through at all: Love and Life

The point to me is rather than ending up in situations where you can lock yourself away for a while and sin - you “get out there” and immerse yourself in others and activities enough that the drive and energy you have can be “put” elsewhere.
Its about accepting that you have a desire, but using your desires for good.

As for your Confessions - is it at all possible to find a Priest immediately prior to Mass?
In some (smaller) Parishes, it is the norm for the Priest to be available right up to Mass for confessions.

For the final point, yes I think you do exactly as your describe.
As you are tempted, speak to Him and ask for help then and there. And no, it something you “just say,” if said in true faith, you will come to understand.
We can’t always hear God’s voice because we are fallen. It is a matter of knowing He will come through for us, and do everything if we just give up control. It really is about humility, and accepting that by yourself, you can’t accomplish anything.
You know already that willpower isn’t going to help - so what is?

I know it isn’t as simple as praying.
Even the Saints had trouble praying in times of temptation and some lived some lives filled with evil and temptation. We too have trouble praying, and again, its worth asking God for: The humility to give ourselves up. The strength to turn to God and away from wicked manifestations of natural desires.

The difference with many people who live chastely joyfully (and that is a difficult thing on its own, I know) is they accept their own inability without God to do anything. I think the Beatitudes highlight this.

Writing these posts I feel maybe I’m being too simplistic. However, You and I both know “Just Pray” isn’t sound advice, and I want to give a response that really elaborates “just pray” in a way that might help you just a bit.

Thanks for your query on clarification, too. It helps me understand more of what I mean to say, and how I can better say it in future.

 

[bobballen_18]

As someone else mentioned, I would highly recommend looking for a therapist as well - I also found mine at catholictherapists.com. I have also heard that accountability can be a big help. If you have neither a therapist nor accountability, you need to seriously consider getting one or both.

Just remember, God will reward you if you continue to engage in the struggle, so I just want to encourage you to never give up! I’m well aware that might not sound encouraging to you, but nonetheless, keep “fighting the good fight”

 

[Mark86]

Ya know, considering some of the outlandish things I’ve said and my penchant at times to fall headlong into the overly-dramatic, the fact that you guys have kept your cool and been as merciful as you have been with me is truly a testament to how good God is and how much he’s at work in each of you. Seriously, I mean that.

I know I’m whiner and a dramatic, passionate individual… and sometimes I even say things I don’t necessarily mean… things that after a good sleep, I come back and say “ugh, why did I say that…” No man can tame the tongue indeed! Actually, speaking of which, the only body part in scripture (that I’ve seen) called “evil and full of deadly poison” is the tongue. The fact that the same wasn’t said about the human sex drive is interesting to me.

It’s funny that I find myself getting so dramatic because I tend to get turned off from some forms of prayer that rely too heavily on the dramatic “oh…!s” and “ah!s” every couple words. If only because I desire that kind of love for God that would inspire me to actually be that “enraptured” by God. I have been before the Blessed Sacrament in the past and broke down in tears and knelt there watching them pool up on the church floor beneath me… so I do know something about the “deep love” experience with God.

And no, I’m not simply looking for an “experience”… but man needs these things. I don’t remember who said it but it’s true, “man can’t live without love.” Yes, love is sacrifice, but the reason we sacrifice is because we LOVE “love”… so “feelings” have to play a part somewhere. In order to make our life a sacrifice for others intentionally, we have to actually “feel good feelings” in the pit of our heart for God and for others so that we actually WANT to do things for them. I can die for God, yes, but if I’m doing it out of spite for God, then what good is it? I have to first “feel good feelings”… feel the deeper “pleasures” of God, that is, and then I will say “okay God, I love you so much I will die for you!”… only then is my death worth something.

My spiritual director pointed out the difference between “satisfaction” and “fulfillment” and said that ultimate fulfillment is better than temporary satisfaction. I agreed, but I asked “well then should we just live WITHOUT satisfaction!?” and he said our satisfaction should probably come from knowing that we are on the path that leads to fulfillment.

Basically it sounded like he was saying that bodily pleasure is a necessary component of holiness. This is not something you hear very often… if AT ALL… in the Church, but it’s a major help to me, who so often feels no pleasure out of life (depression). It’s necessary because we need to take pleasure in the right things in order to spur us on in DOING the right things. For example, if all our pleasure comes from impurities, and then we turn to prayer and render it “purposefully JOYLESS” (as many Catholics seem to insist it must be), we are always going to fall into impurities.

When I think about the rewarding aspects of my work, for example, I feel “contented” and less likely to engage in masturbation. When I allow myself to “feel” those “hallelujahs!” when I get to prayer… when I am actually allowed to be joyful at Mass (imagine that!) and not feel like I’m at a constant FUNERAL whenever I go to anything remotely “catholic”… surprise, surprise, I tend to not be so drawn to sexual impurities.

But alas… Catholicism insists upon being stuffy and joyless. And that just makes the glowing neon “girlie show” in my head look so much more appetizing…

Why don’t Catholics “sing” at Mass?? Am I the only one who wants to belt one out? I’m the only one who sings at my parish… I’m like, come on people… are we dead or has Christ risen us to new life?? Let’s look alive!

I may not be able to take communion half the time, but damn, let’s put some meat back on these dry bones we call “catholicism.” Let’s make it actually joyful again, and not just a perpetual funeral parlor. I’m not talking about “drunkeness and carrousing”… I’m talking about living purity JOYFULLY so that I no longer have to live impurity joyfully to compensate for what is missing in the Church.

 

[Teabag]

Ya know, considering some of the outlandish things I’ve said and my penchant at times to fall headlong into the overly-dramatic, the fact that you guys have kept your cool and been as merciful as you have been with me is truly a testament to how good God is and how much he’s at work in each of you. Seriously, I mean that.

I know I’m whiner and a dramatic, passionate individual… and sometimes I even say things I don’t necessarily mean… things that after a good sleep, I come back and say “ugh, why did I say that…” No man can tame the tongue indeed! Actually, speaking of which, the only body part in scripture (that I’ve seen) called “evil and full of deadly poison” is the tongue. The fact that the same wasn’t said about the human sex drive is interesting to me.

It’s funny that I find myself getting so dramatic because I tend to get turned off from some forms of prayer that rely too heavily on the dramatic “oh…!s” and “ah!s” every couple words. If only because I desire that kind of love for God that would inspire me to actually be that “enraptured” by God. I have been before the Blessed Sacrament in the past and broke down in tears and knelt there watching them pool up on the church floor beneath me… so I do know something about the “deep love” experience with God.

And no, I’m not simply looking for an “experience”… but man needs these things. I don’t remember who said it but it’s true, “man can’t live without love.” Yes, love is sacrifice, but the reason we sacrifice is because we LOVE “love”… so “feelings” have to play a part somewhere. In order to make our life a sacrifice for others intentionally, we have to actually “feel good feelings” in the pit of our heart for God and for others so that we actually WANT to do things for them. I can die for God, yes, but if I’m doing it out of spite for God, then what good is it? I have to first “feel good feelings”… feel the deeper “pleasures” of God, that is, and then I will say “okay God, I love you so much I will die for you!”… only then is my death worth something.

My spiritual director pointed out the difference between “satisfaction” and “fulfillment” and said that ultimate fulfillment is better than temporary satisfaction. I agreed, but I asked “well then should we just live WITHOUT satisfaction!?” and he said our satisfaction should probably come from knowing that we are on the path that leads to fulfillment.

Basically it sounded like he was saying that bodily pleasure is a necessary component of holiness. This is not something you hear very often… if AT ALL… in the Church, but it’s a major help to me, who so often feels no pleasure out of life (depression). It’s necessary because we need to take pleasure in the right things in order to spur us on in DOING the right things. For example, if all our pleasure comes from impurities, and then we turn to prayer and render it “purposefully JOYLESS” (as many Catholics seem to insist it must be), we are always going to fall into impurities.

When I think about the rewarding aspects of my work, for example, I feel “contented” and less likely to engage in masturbation. When I allow myself to “feel” those “hallelujahs!” when I get to prayer… when I am actually allowed to be joyful at Mass (imagine that!) and not feel like I’m at a constant FUNERAL whenever I go to anything remotely “catholic”… surprise, surprise, I tend to not be so drawn to sexual impurities.

But alas… Catholicism insists upon being stuffy and joyless. And that just makes the glowing neon “girlie show” in my head look so much more appetizing…

Why don’t Catholics “sing” at Mass?? Am I the only one who wants to belt one out? I’m the only one who sings at my parish… I’m like, come on people… are we dead or has Christ risen us to new life?? Let’s look alive!

I may not be able to take communion half the time, but damn, let’s put some meat back on these dry bones we call “catholicism.” Let’s make it actually joyful again, and not just a perpetual funeral parlor. I’m not talking about “drunkeness and carrousing”… I’m talking about living purity JOYFULLY so that I no longer have to live impurity joyfully to compensate for what is missing in the Church.

You cannot blame the church for how you feel or react. There are plenty of ‘Happy Clappy’ churches in the world where prayer and worship are not taken seriously.

At our church we sing. We pray and worship. It is a lovely experience.

 

[HelenRose]

I can accept that life in Christ is miserable, unrelenting sadness and pain “awaiting final glory” at the end of time… yeahyeahyeah… What bugs me is when people insist that I got to be “joyful” through it. I can’t have this Orwellian double-think going on where I convince myself of something that I know just isn’t true. I can’t lie to God anymore. The fact of the matter is, I’m not a happy person. I am indeed miserable and despaired, and that’s just the way it is.

I’m 29, I suffer from anxiety and sexual addiction and have no friends. I’m miserable and the church doesn’t encourage me to do otherwise, because “hey, it’s a cross, it’ll NEVER get better!!!”

Let’s just be honest for a minute and admit that there is nothing consoling or comforting or pleasuring in this life, long or short term. I’m sick and tired of people trying to make chastity out to be some joyous thing. It’s not. It’s a neverending ordeal were shackled with in this life, these desires are a DISEASE, just like all desire is. I go to confession three times a week… my life is empty and void and friendless, so I turn back to masturbation. I go BACK to confession, confess my sins, and then return back to my empty and friendless life full of unfulfilled desires and self-loathing… so I turn to masturbation once again. Then I go BACK to confession, confess my wrong-doings, and then return to my life full of unfulfilled desires all over again… etc etc. … every couple DAYS.

It seems all I do is sit in my room repressing my desires, and it’s just making me MISERABLE, and then when I fall, I feel hopeless on top of that.

I GO to confession, okay? I go every couple DAYS… it’s not working. My life shouldn’t be about going to confession… shouldn’t it be about more? Isn’t there a better use of my time? Couldn’t I be doing something with my life, or is this all God wants for me?

Don’t tell me I have to settle for this… I could do so much more with myself.

Sitting in your room repressing your desire and loathing yourself! First of all stand up. Get out of your room. Take a walk. Work in a soup kitchen. Learn how to play the guitar. Go swimming. Go hiking. Get a bicycle and go on a 10 mile ride. No, make that 15 miles. Exercise. Move.

 

[Mark86]

You cannot blame the church for how you feel or react. There are plenty of ‘Happy Clappy’ churches in the world where prayer and worship are not taken seriously.

And, there are plenty that are closing because they had no life in them… apart from the sacraments. Sacraments can be given out at any Church. All it takes is for the Diocese to say “well, it’s not cost effective any more due to poor attendance… we’re closing this parish,” and there goes the “community.” It’s easier to just give the Lord out in the Eucharist over at that place 20 miles away than it is to operate a parish that nobody attends because there’s nothing going on there apart from the “Sunday Brunch.”

And I get it, it’s fine if you’re going by the argument “well a few faithful souls around the Eucharist are better than whole stadiums of people dancin’ and swingin’ to that ole’ time gospel.” … There’s something to be said about that, and you’d be right. But you won’t have a Church to go to the Blessed Sacrament in if it’s closed because nobody was there. Maybe it’s just the Protestant in me… I don’t know.

I speak… sarcastically, but it’s true, is it not? I know of a parish that just closed in my home town. It had a large Spanish speaking crowd. The diocese said “Well, you can get the Lord in Communion at any parish… why do we need this one?” And poof it’s gone. When it all comes down to brass tax, those collection bins better be bursting, or else you got no parish community anymore. And what happens when the Church moves out of town? The strip clubs move in. I’ve seen it.

I’m not saying that “energy” is enough to avoid this problem, since this is the world we live in in the 21st century… all I’m saying is, if we truly are joyful, let’s actually show it for once. All the non-Christians certainly are.

At our church we sing. We pray and worship. It is a lovely experience.

That’s good.

 

[Trident_H]

And, there are plenty that are closing because they had no life in them… apart from the sacraments. Sacraments can be given out at any Church. All it takes is for the Diocese to say “well, it’s not cost effective any more due to poor attendance… we’re closing this parish,” and there goes the “community.” It’s easier to just give the Lord out in the Eucharist over at that place 20 miles away than it is to operate a parish that nobody attends because there’s nothing going on there apart from the “Sunday Brunch.”

And I get it, it’s fine if you’re going by the argument “well a few faithful souls around the Eucharist are better than whole stadiums of people dancin’ and swingin’ to that ole’ time gospel.” … There’s something to be said about that, and you’d be right. But you won’t have a Church to go to the Blessed Sacrament in if it’s closed because nobody was there. Maybe it’s just the Protestant in me… I don’t know.

I speak… sarcastically, but it’s true, is it not? I know of a parish that just closed in my home town. It had a large Spanish speaking crowd. The diocese said “Well, you can get the Lord in Communion at any parish… why do we need this one?” And poof it’s gone. When it all comes down to brass tax, those collection bins better be bursting, or else you got no parish community anymore. And what happens when the Church moves out of town? The strip clubs move in. I’ve seen it.

I’m not saying that “energy” is enough to avoid this problem, since this is the world we live in in the 21st century… all I’m saying is, if we truly are joyful, let’s actually show it for once. All the non-Christians certainly are.

That’s good.

Hey buddy. Glad you’re still at this. Sorry I missed you the last couple days. Been working late. And tired. Probably be around tonight though. Hopefully.

So you’re thinking the best way in is to change the church a bit hey? Make it less solemn and not so into thinking about the bottom line? Well man. In a perfect world maybe. But then don’t forget what drew you to your faith to start with. The austere and the sincere sometimes are cause and effect. I mean sometimes being sincere in a guy’s faith means there’s no need for show. There’s less of a need for pomp and circumstance. I mean don’t get me wrong. I know what you’re saying. I’m just trying to steer you evenly in this.

But if you have a gift for singing. For raising the roof. Well maybe you should join the choir hey? I mean there’s a neat thing for you to do. That can help you contribute a bit. I mean use your talents. Put them to some purpose. I don’t know.

Peace buddy.

-Trident

 

[CrossofChrist]

I just don’t have enough love for myself to desire the good things God wants to give me… then if I do desire them at any point, I don’t feel like I’m capable of receiving them… and then if I do feel capable of being loved, I’m not sure I want what God wants for me anymore… and it just goes in cycles like that. People put down “feelings” a lot in the Church, and I can understand why… but at a certain point, you DO have to “desire” good for yourself… because if you can’t desire good for yourself, then it doesn’t matter what God’s offering… even eternity with Him… you won’t want it. That’s my sloth acting up. That’s a learned behavior I learned after years of suffering under a father who used to throw me down stairs and into walls and step on my feet and tell me I was “no good, rotten” and “stupid” and “worthless sack of —” every day of my young life.

so if anyone is actually dealing with a similar issue, you probably know how testy and frustrated that can make a person after a while… having to live that way. So I apologize if I come off kind of standoffish.

The fact of the matter is, in my line of work, I spend at least 8 hours a day working with the mentally challenged, many of which are blind, lower functioning, elderly, and suffer with a wide variety of health and psychological problems. This line of work has erratic hours… so I often CAN’T get to various outings like SA meetings (which are always offered in the evenings, from what I’ve seen)… nor can I even go to Confession at my parish… (my troubles with getting to confession are chronicled in other threads of mine)… at least, confession with a “regular” priest is hindered because of this.

So that basically leaves me coming home around midnight ever day with nothing to do with myself but literally “sit in my room” … (because what is there to DO at midnight?)… and that’s why I’m addicted to impurity with myself. Because I have the four walls of my room and nowhere to go for hours and hours every night… then after I inevitably fall, I end up having to spend my free time in confession at the “shrine” in my hometown… only because they offer confession in the mornings! (imagine that!) … But because pilgrims and visitors area always coming from all over, the lines for the one or two priests are always backed up… so I end up having to sit there for hours sometimes waiting for Confession every couple days… etc. etc.

I’m not whining about any of this though because ultimately, you gotta do what you gotta do.

It’s just very hard, and I don’t know what to do to change things up, unless I put myself out of employment…

Just stopping by here, but a few things…

Why don’t you desire good things for yourself? That’s what God wants for you! If God didn’t want the best for you, he wouldn’t have become man.

One thing that maybe you would find helpful is picturing a scene from the Gospel and seeing how every word, gesture, and action that Christ performs is done with such great love and mercy. And take note that this love isn’t an isolated event, but is basis for who Jesus is–he is Love itself. He looks at all of us–YOU!–with this infinite love. Pope Francis’ papal motto is very fitting here: miserando atque eligendo; “Jesus looked upon Matthew with merciful love and chose him”.

Finally…

“You were made for greatness” – Pope Benedict XVI.

Don’t forget that.

 

[dangerousdyls]

Hey Mark…
Whew, alot of posts on this thread, seems you really struck a nerve with some people. It’s great to see this much discussion, it’s an important issue. I haven’t read through all of these posts, but I’ve tried to read most of yours.

You’re not alone man. Reading what you’ve written, I feel for you. I feel a lot of pain and frustration in your words. I can’t say that I’ve been through all you have. But…I’ve had similar problems.

Prayer and confession can be helpful, but they are not a cure all. I admire that you’ve been going to confession and your prayer regiment, but what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked.

I have 2 thoughts:

1. Educate yourself about your addiction. Matt Fradd and Jason Evert have some great videos online. Reading is better. Patrick Carnes is known as a sort of pioneer of being an expert on Sex Addiction, I would highly recomment the book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sex Addiction.
2. SjMelyn mentioned SAA or AA. What are your thoughts on this?
   I’ll be honest, I put this off for a long time. I wanted to overcome it in any way but that way. I was afraid of going. Eventually, I had had enough. For a few weeks, I would say I’d go, and then back out. I had to have friends keep me accountable to going. Fnally, I made it to a meeting. Going to the first meeting was one of the most healing experiences in my life. You don’t have to spill your guts. The other people there don’t expect that of you. The leader of the group said “You can say as much or as little as you want to say…” So the first few meetings I was able to sit, take it in, and listen. I enjoyed listening to everyone elses stories, and supporting each other. It’s a beautiful thing, those meetings. It kept me accountable in a way that nothing else has been able to. It gave me hope in a way that nothing else has been able to. After going to the first meeting, it was much easier to go back. If you go, commit to going for at least 6 weeks. You have to give it time for it to work.

Feel free to PM me if you want to air out some more thoughts.

Hang in there

 

[Teabag]

Probably very hard to sit in front of total strangers and talk about such a very personal issue.

Pray for guidance buddy.

Male species have such a high sex drive! It is normal but as a Catholic these have to be kept in check. Not so easy to do. Takes a lot of hardship to battle through. I know!!!

 

[Mark86]

Why don’t you desire good things for yourself? That’s what God wants for you! If God didn’t want the best for you, he wouldn’t have become man.

Mostly because I’ve grown accustomed to God being the “Big NO in the Sky” following me around … denying me from having every good thing out there. I’ve gotten accustomed to eating the manna in the desert… At this point I’m just like, fine, I’ll take it Lord. Who needs to eat “rich, juicy foods, and choice wines” … forget it, just give me my manna. Don’t tempt me anymore God with promises of good things to come… just give me the manna. All that stuff has been nothing but sin for me. I don’t want to sin, so I don’t want it anymore…

That’s how I end up thinking. I don’t want the good things anymore.

Hey Mark…

1. Educate yourself about your addiction. Matt Fradd and Jason Evert have some great videos online. Reading is better. Patrick Carnes is known as a sort of pioneer of being an expert on Sex Addiction, I would highly recomment the book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sex Addiction.

The problem with a lot of these resources is they do a very good job explaining what’s wrong and why nothing’s working. When it comes to how to fix it though, they speak in complete metaphor and generalities so vague that they just devoid of meaning for me at exactly the point I need more specificity. It’s one thing to explain the ins and outs of how addiction affects the brain and etc. but then to pose the solution as a mere “turn to Jesus” bumper sticker stuff… I just end up going “whha…?” “How does ‘Turn to Jesus’ solve my ‘neurochemical imbalance’ dohicky?”

I’m not smart. I think I am, but I’m not. heh

1. SjMelyn mentioned SAA or AA. What are your thoughts on this?

Hard to find in my area and hard to get into. I’d have to drive hours out of my way for the ones that are actually out there, and the email links and even the websites themselves are dead (heck, the whole website for the one in Rhode Island was a dead link!)… Plus… on their websites they state that “visitors” aren’t welcome. They only seem to want the ones that are dedicated to joining up on the spot… or maybe I’m reading it wrong.

Male species have such a high sex drive! It is normal but as a Catholic these have to be kept in check. Not so easy to do. Takes a lot of hardship to battle through. I know!!!

I’m sure perfect chastity is something very nice… once you’re dead and you no longer feel sexual desire anymore anyways… Perfect timing! Just when we finally have perfect chastity, we no longer need it.

We won’t “procreate” in heaven… so I guess we won’t have a sexual desire anymore. There will be no “procreative aspect of it” … and we won’t need to “unify spouses” … because we won’t be married in heaven… so I guess the whole sexual thing really has no relief until you no longer feel the desires anymore. What good does chaste sexuality do for a resurrected, glorified body, in the end? Apparently nothing. What a big tease.

 

[Teabag]

I don’t anyone here can say anything that will help you in the short term.

Its your cross. I am sure God knows how heavy it is. Obviously you are feeling the strain. I am sure help is very near.

I dont know what else to say. Lets hope you find a happy solution somehow.

 

[CrossofChrist]

Mostly because I’ve grown accustomed to God being the “Big NO in the Sky” following me around … denying me from having every good thing out there. I’ve gotten accustomed to eating the manna in the desert… At this point I’m just like, fine, I’ll take it Lord. Who needs to eat “rich, juicy foods, and choice wines” … forget it, just give me my manna. Don’t tempt me anymore God with promises of good things to come… just give me the manna. All that stuff has been nothing but sin for me. I don’t want to sin, so I don’t want it anymore…

That’s how I end up thinking. I don’t want the good things anymore.

True, every point in our life can be an opportunity for us to sin, to turn away from God. But that’s actually something that should give us encouragement, because it means that every moment of our life can also be an opportunity for us to come closer to God, to turn from sin.

God is goodness itself, so he’s not there to deny you or anyone good. I think the issue is you are associating unchastity with goodness, which is far from being true. Unchastity treats other people as objects to be used, without true respect for their nature.

 

[BlueKnight]

Turn to Jesus in your loneliness and temptations.

Stop medicating yourself with sex and accept the trials with patience and love.

The price of sexual sin is despair. The fruit of chastity is hope.

Don’t give up. It takes years sometimes to overcome a addiction.

You can do it!

 

[dangerousdyls]

Probably very hard to sit in front of total strangers and talk about such a very personal issue.

It’s not easy, but it works. I think that’s part of the reason it does work, is because the people there don’t have people to talk about the issue with, or because the people they can talk with don’t have similar views or experiences.

 

[Ash_Wednesday]

Hi Mark –
I hope that you can get some professional help and guidance for your issues. It seems to me that you are dealing with things are psychological and medical issues that go beyond just trying to deal with it morally and spiritually – something that behavioral therapy could help treat, practical and professional guidance and training that goes beyond any help or advice you can get from a forum online. That is not to say that therapy would take place of the sacraments. A person benefits from both the sacraments AND therapy. But it seems you’re dealing with something multi-faceted that warrants help from various points of view, not just spiritually but from a medical and psychological standpoint as well.

I see someone who is suffering immensely, and while the things we suffer from differ, I can only hope to share some insights that I have gained in the past several months.

This past year, I have been dealing with a health matter, an iatrogenic condition (caused by the wrong medical treatment) that has been the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my entire life. I can’t even begin to describe how awful it has been, and how much I have suffered. I never thought I could experience anything as bad in my life as when I had lost my mother, but I was wrong.

It has lead me to do a lot of reading about redemptive suffering, what it means to suffer, and what it means to be happy in this life.

I don’t think life really is meant to be miserable as a Catholic or a Christian. There are a lot of good and beautiful things in this life that we can be thankful for, but they are often fleeting. I guess when we do find suffering coming our way, from the viewpoint of how Christians regard suffering, we can at least try to find some purpose in it.

The long and short of it, is that we suffer with Christ, and we can offer up our sufferings for the help, conversion and salvation of souls in this life and beyond. The saints often felt great joy in this. Is this something that I fully understand? Definitely not – I’m not much of a saint. More often than not, I don’t feel a lot of “joy” in my suffering, that’s just being honest, but I do try to place some trust that I can unite it with Christ in hopes that it will help someone, somewhere out there. I don’t expect it to make my suffering go away, but at the very least, it’s better than nothing. Some days it does bring me some consolation, and over time, the sufferings have allowed me to slowly grow in holiness in a genuine way, and have taught me patience and compassion.

I don’t know if that helps any, I just thought I’d offer my insights. Most of all though, in the meantime, I really do hope you find some practical and professional guidance for your struggles. Whatever sufferings I may experience today, I will offer them up for you. God bless you and let us know how things go.