Cheating Advice - Drunk

[Xantippe]

“The people they met at the disco area kept bringing more drinks around for everyone, and at one point - the alcohol dumbed down the decision making.”

Two nights in a row? And while vacationing with her family–oh my goodness.

“I appreciate your concern xantippe - but I’m going to have to call you out on this one. I’ve met plenty of women in my time and know a good one when I see one. I hope you don’t mess up in your lifetime and make a mistake, because the condescending tone you are giving will come back to bite you in the rear.”

It’s really hard to give advice without sounding condescending. Remember, you did come here asking for advice.

1. I’m a woman (a middle agedish married lady) and I know a lot about women and 2) I have made mistakes. I also know all about how one goes about picking oneself up and finding the way back to the straight-and-narrow.

“Now I may be totally wrong - but the only way to find that out is over time - and it will certainly never be found out by simply telling her goodbye.”

Right. Dial the relationship back a little and give her room to pick herself up and get her dignity back.

Two more things:

1. Speaking as a woman, I think her sending you ring photos to hint for a proposal isn’t cute. It’s tacky as heck.
2. There seems to be a lot of unnecessary drama surrounding your girlfriend. I actually don’t care for the fact that she made a point of telling you about the jobs she’s given up, the friends she doesn’t see for your sake, etc.

If you like drama, fine–that’s the ride you’re signing up for.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

“The people they met at the disco area kept bringing more drinks around for everyone, and at one point - the alcohol dumbed down the decision making.”

Two nights in a row? And while vacationing with her family–oh my goodness.

“I appreciate your concern xantippe - but I’m going to have to call you out on this one. I’ve met plenty of women in my time and know a good one when I see one. I hope you don’t mess up in your lifetime and make a mistake, because the condescending tone you are giving will come back to bite you in the rear.”

It’s really hard to give advice without sounding condescending. Remember, you did come here asking for advice.

1. I’m a woman (a middle agedish married lady) and I know a lot about women and 2) I have made mistakes. I also know all about how one goes about picking oneself up and finding the way back to the straight-and-narrow.

“Now I may be totally wrong - but the only way to find that out is over time - and it will certainly never be found out by simply telling her goodbye.”

Right. Dial the relationship back a little and give her room to pick herself up and get her dignity back.

Two more things:

1. Speaking as a woman, I think her sending you ring photos to hint for a proposal isn’t cute. It’s tacky as heck.
2. There seems to be a lot of unnecessary drama surrounding your girlfriend. I actually don’t care for the fact that she made a point of telling you about the jobs she’s given up, the friends she doesn’t see for your sake, etc.

If you like drama, fine–that’s the ride you’re signing up for.

I’m a women in my twenties and I agree with everything you have said.

Marriage is a lot of responsibility and tons of trust. It doesn’t seem like either are ready for that kind of commitment right now.

 

[needsomehelp]

“The people they met at the disco area kept bringing more drinks around for everyone, and at one point - the alcohol dumbed down the decision making.”

Two nights in a row? And while vacationing with her family–oh my goodness.

“I appreciate your concern xantippe - but I’m going to have to call you out on this one. I’ve met plenty of women in my time and know a good one when I see one. I hope you don’t mess up in your lifetime and make a mistake, because the condescending tone you are giving will come back to bite you in the rear.”

It’s really hard to give advice without sounding condescending. Remember, you did come here asking for advice.

1. I’m a woman (a middle agedish married lady) and I know a lot about women and 2) I have made mistakes. I also know all about how one goes about picking oneself up and finding the way back to the straight-and-narrow.

“Now I may be totally wrong - but the only way to find that out is over time - and it will certainly never be found out by simply telling her goodbye.”

Right. Dial the relationship back a little and give her room to pick herself up and get her dignity back.

Two more things:

1. Speaking as a woman, I think her sending you ring photos to hint for a proposal isn’t cute. It’s tacky as heck.
2. There seems to be a lot of unnecessary drama surrounding your girlfriend. I actually don’t care for the fact that she made a point of telling you about the jobs she’s given up, the friends she doesn’t see for your sake, etc.

If you like drama, fine–that’s the ride you’re signing up for.

good grief. you are commenting without basis. we were being playful one night about a ring and the next day she sent a photo of one. you may find it tacky but i find you stuck up and stiff. i’m done with this thread - thnx to those who sent PMs

/close

note to self - dont waste time on internet for advice

 

[pnewton]

good grief. you are commenting without basis. we were being playful one night about a ring and the next day she sent a photo of one. you may find it tacky but i find you stuck up and stiff. i’m done with this thread - thnx to those who sent PMs

/close

note to self - dont waste time on internet for advice

If you are going to insult people just because you do not like their response, then do not ask any questions. It just provides a temptation for you to act uncharitable.

 

[kmuestwin]

note to self - dont waste time on internet for advice

Note to you- Don’t ask for advice if you don’t really want advice.

You need to look at yourself and decide if you are mature enough to see the truth about this woman you are with and about yourself. Spend some time doing some deep self reflection. If you can’t understand your own motives, you can’t understand anyone else’s. Try and assess yourself as an outsider. Look at how you present yourself to the world and take some time to look at how you make decisions.

Do you love this woman?

Are you able to make clear decisions?

Is she able to make clear decisions?

Is there a reason other than love that you are clinging to this relationship?
-Do you fear being alone? Do you not think you could start again with another person?

Finally, you seem more hurt by the negative responses on here than you do over the breach of trust that your girlfriend committed. Does that seem like your normal response to conflict?

I’m not asking these things because I think it’s time to rub salt in your wounds. I’m asking because I think you need to spend more time thinking and less time arguing. The response you’ve had to the advice you’ve received is not typical. I’ll be praying for true discernment of your vocation.

 

[on_the_hill]

None of the new information changes my first impressions. I really think you’re setting yourself up for a lot of turmoil if you try to keep the relationship going.

As good as it feels now to have the phone conversation with her, to move forward,etc. is only a fraction of how miserable you (may) end up.

You can’t be her knight in shining armor, you can’t be the guy who pulls her through her issues with the strength of unconditional love. Believe me when I say this with total sincerity: I tried to be that guy a long time ago and it left me with nothing but pain. And I got over it. I found other women, and eventually my wife. Please spare yourself the hurt.

I did some cyber stalking a few months ago and looked up my old g.f. who had similar problems as your g.f. I saw she now shes been married least twice and has a criminal record for public drunkeness and fighting. Part of me still loves her and always will, but a bigger part of me is forever thankful I haven’t seen her in over 20 years.

 

[Xantippe]

“You can’t be her knight in shining armor, you can’t be the guy who pulls her through her issues with the strength of unconditional love.”

Right. And if you think about it, aside from the imprudence, there’s a lot of pride in thinking that you are just so special that the demons of mental illness take one look and you and fly away. (Note that the GF stopped taking her medication for depression because she thought she was so happy with the OP. I think in this relationship romance is (to some extent) being used as an alternative treatment plan for mental illness.) No human being is capable of pulling off that role long term. It’s just not fair, either for the “doctor” or the “patient”.

 

[dedo]

One thing that many people don’t think about is to be careful about the environment you put yourself in.

In you spend time in bars, and meet people in places like that, then the chances of ending up in bad situations is high. This is especially true once alcohol is added to the mix.

The answer is to stay out of those types of places.

Don’t look for reasons to go to bars such as “watching out for the brother”. Tell the brother to stay out of the bars.

Sometimes the last chance you have to stay out of trouble is the decision to go or not to go.

If the situation is questionable, then choose not to go.

 

[Allegra]

??? Am I the only one who doesn’t think “kissing” generally involves crotch grabbing and going to a guy’s bedroom to lie down and “cuddle”?

Frankly, if it were me, I would probably not persue this relationship any longer. Not because the girl “isn’t worth it”, but more because it doesn’t seem that she is emotionally and spiritually in a place where she can have a successful relationship. It seems she’s got some physcological issues that aren’t quite under control and some substance abuse issues. A person who is being medicated for depression and/or bipolar should not be taking a vacation from their medication, getting drunk in public, etc. If you do chose to go ahead with the relationship, then I think you need to forgive her and put the incident behind you. Don’t hold it over her head. If you can’t do that, then it’s probably best you part ways.

 

[Allegra]

Looking at it from a distance, I would say that she wants to move on and just needed to make a drama of it.
.

Frankly, that’s kind of what I suspected when I read it as well. I have a sister with bi-polar and when she was younger and she wasn’t sure she was interested in a boy-friend anymore, she would do obnoxious things to encourage the boy to break up with her, rather than simply breaking up with him. At some point with one particular boy who just wouldn’t get the hint, it escalated to “just kissing” another boy at a party. It caused alot of drama with the kissing boy’ girlfriend, who retaliated in a way consistant with teenage girls. My step-mother complains to this day that she thinks my sister’s bipolar might have been brought on by “bullying” from this girl and her friends. On the other hand, this was high school behavior and the OP sounds like an older person, so maybe we should take it at face value that some people actually do just get drunk and kiss strangers in bars without underlying relationship issues being involved.

 

[pnewton]

I will add something, though I thing the OP may be gone. Some people become addicted to the drama, even though it tears them up emotionally. In such a case, unless the person is willing to understand they are doing this, they will go back to creating crisis again and again. But I get the impression this is a young couple of peoples. Sometimes girls grow out of this, but it is best not to feed it.

 

[Allegra]

I will add something, though I thing the OP may be gone. Some people become addicted to the drama, even though it tears them up emotionally. In such a case, unless the person is willing to understand they are doing this, they will go back to creating crisis again and again. But I get the impression this is a young couple of peoples. Sometimes girls grow out of this, but it is best not to feed it.

I can second this, though sometimes it’s it becomes impossible to ignore, especially if it’s a family member. Girls with this characteristic tend to surround themselves with the hero/codependant type, who get off on “saving” them from all their misfortune. Life becomes a constant pattern of crisis and bailing out.

 

[Xantippe]

“Some people become addicted to the drama, even though it tears them up emotionally. In such a case, unless the person is willing to understand they are doing this, they will go back to creating crisis again and again. But I get the impression this is a young couple of peoples. Sometimes girls grow out of this, but it is best not to feed it.”

Right. The OP’s girlfriend seemed to have a lot of drama swirling around her. There were also some signs, I think, that the OP is addicted to the drama that his girlfriend generates. The word “codependent” comes to mind.

I believe there’s psychological research that says that the most powerful kind of reinforcement is intermittent reinforcement. Ironically, a bad relationship often provides intermittent reinforcement, which I suspect explains why bad relationships are so hard to leave. In a good relationship, your partner treats you well 4 times out of 5–boooring. Meanwhile, in a bad relationship, 4 times out of 5, your partner treats you like dirt, but 1 time out of 5, they treat you well, but you never know when the payday is coming that’s going to make all your suffering worthwhile. A bad relationship is like not being able to leave the slot machines until you’ve fed all of your winnings back into the one-armed bandit.

 

[underacloud]

She is a good woman who had a mistake. It isn’t who she is. I also found out that bi polar was not officially diagnosed but she has a bad case of ROCD, which explains the doubting thoughts, since OCD is the doubting disease (relationship intrusive thoughts - google it) (but so do I, though mine isn’t so much ROCD but other genres) and uses the acohol to numb the OCD torment, which was a good first step. So I turned that into something positive and told her I will work on it with her together and we can make it our hobby together.

Did someone mention co-dependent?

Using alcohol to numb the OCD? That didn’t seem to work out too well. Not really a “good first step” as it turned out, but still the OP encourages her. Well, I guess his optimism in this situation is somewhat admirable. Foolhardy if you ask me, but admirably optimistic.

Another issue I’ll pick up on is the love of the drama itself. Given the OP has reacted quite hostilely to advice offered so far, one may surmise that the thread itself is an indulgence in this drama, rather than a genuine interest in opinions. Perhaps both the OP and his GF need a bit of drama in their lives. As per the advice others have offered, I think a bit of individual conselling would be benefitial for both.