Cheating Husband

[Sixtus]

The husband finds himself in love with both women; he is like a donkey with two bales of hay, trying nibble from each one."

The problem is that it is very often the 'other woman ’ who wants to be nibbled, rather than the wife

 

[hasikelee]

The problem is that it is very often the 'other woman ’ who wants to be nibbled, rather than the wife

Oh my! That is funny but I hope the OP isn’t too sad to hear this!

His book definitely makes sense. You are in love with your wife. She is affectionate, she is your child’s mother. She is smart and pretty.

But then you have your lover, who is passionate and wants to enjoy lots of sex.

Now you “need” both of them, because neither one is meeting your needs completely and you have engaged in sexual intercourse with both of them, creating a strong connection due to the hormones released.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Mother churhc allows for all sorts of things. But peoples lived experience is very often a lot more messy. A woman who has very few or no friends, such a man may not wish to impose on her more suffering whereby she 'is now standing alone, alcoholic rejected by her last friend who decides to annul.

No, one has to excerise human compassion. Sometimes painful choices have to be made but we do not have the right to hurt someone else just because they hurt us

I’m not sure I’m reading this right.

By alluding to the “messy” situation, are you saying that a husband who believes himself to be in an invalid marriage mightly rightly stay in it, but unfaithfully, because he thinks his alcoholic wife can’t do better and should be happy to have half a bone, rather than none? Surely, no one would call that compassionate.

If you mean by compassion that we cannot judge, then, yes, I can agree with that. Marriages are always more than they seem. If you mean by compassion that a husband might stay with his wife, yet cheat on her, I would say that most wives would tell him exactly where he could put compassion like that, and how far. That is revolting. That must be what you meant by “we do not have the right to hurt someone else just because they hurt us”, right?

At least, I hope that is what you meant.

 

[Robaynne]

I just feel that we are taking steps forward and then we take steps backward. He made us together ( Me and my husband)tell her to leave him alone. I know she was shocked. But then I think maybe the two of them are making a fool of me. I want to beleive that he is going to get over her but I just think he is weak. I don’t know what else to do. I’m sitting here like the stupid understanding wife trying to hold on to a marriage that I’m not even sure he wants to be in. His mind changes one minute to the next. He can’t stand her then he’s calling her. It takes him a while to tell me but he always seems to tell me that she’s been at his job site or that he finally broke down and answered her call. HE’S WEAK!!! How much more am I suppose to take! I have made an appointment to see a counselor this week. My emotions have changed from being depressed to being truly angry. I’m afraid of making any kind of a decision under these angry emotions. I’m afraid that I may say or do something I was not planning or something that is not me. I think he feels that I may be to understanding or that I maybe forgave to easily. He told me that I should be the one acting crazy not her. He says why are you so understanding. He told me that he would have left me if it were the other way around. I so confused. Please keep praying…

Love31 you really need to decide what you are going to do about this marriage. There is alot that I have to say but I need to calm down before I say something out of turn.

How dare he tell you that this women phoned and he was so weak that he could not help him. That is a BS story sorry to say that. You do not need to hear all this and I think that it is about time that you tell him that you are not interested in hearing anything that he has to say concerning that women. And that if he wants to make this marriage work that he will cut all ties with her. And if he cannot do that then he must not waste your time because you could be spending that time doing something else. You are going to have to do something drastic if you want this marriage to work.

I am not going to tell you to up and leave him because that would not be fair as it is not what you want. But this is going to destroy you if you continue hearing things about this women. If he really wants this women out of his life he will do everything in his power to get her out. He must stop making excuses because that weakness story just does not work.

Sorry I have no sympathy for men who cheat on their wives no matter what the reason. My husband did so much to me for 12years why was I not tempted to do all that. Because I chose not to I knew where my priorities were. And also my friends and family got sick and tired of hearing me talk about the same situation over and over again. One friend said to me one day it seems as if you like to walk around with blue eyes and bruised body. It hurt and I did not speak to her for a long time. But eventually I did get out of my situation.

You are the only one that can make a decision about your life nobody else. You cannot keep complaining about the same thing over and over again and do nothing about it. Sorry to be so harsh. I am saying this because I care not to be nasty or spiteful or even horrible. I have been down this I approached my husbands mistress the 19 year old and I hit her so badly that today she is afraid of me. I called her asking her does she love him and so and so on. That was a year ago. I look back today and say to myself what was I thinking about what was I fighting for a man that just was not worth it. Even though he was my husband he was a weak and pathetic man who cannot even support or look after his own children.

That caused me to have 5 breakdowns and end up in hospital miserable and depressed and suicidal. Sorry would not give anyman that pleasure of destroying me again. As long as I have God in my life he will be everything to me.

You can get out of this depressed stage. I hope and pray that the counselling goes well. You need somebody to talk to about this siutation and they can advice you what you can do.

Goodluck.

 

[cargopilot]

Dear Love31,

I am still praying for you and your husband. I pray that you two can reconcile your marriage, because I know it’s possible. Again, I will encourage you to consider Marriage Encounter. I cannot describe how much it has helped our marriage. If you two consider your marriage a priority, then just GO to the weekend. I GUARANTEE it will help. I’m so sure it will help, that I will pay your entry fee, if you and your husband spend the entire weekend and get nothing out of it. Whatever you do, insist on genuine Catholic marriage counseling, and accept no substitutes.

I would also strongly encourage you to thoroughly examen your own conscience and celebrate the sacrament of reconciliation just as soon as you can get in. My guess is it’s been a while. Don’t underestimate the power of this underused sacrament. It WILL help you.

I’m afraid that there are many here who encourage you to quit, just give up on your marriage and leave him. I believe that those who do that are trying to justify their own failures and make a business out of ‘helping’ others to take their same path.

I would encourage you to consider the advise of those who have been successful at keeping their first and only marriage alive, vibrant and wonderful for many, many years, over the quitters. We will be the last to tell you to quit. We will also be the first to say that it isn’t easy. I hope that some long-time marrieds will step forward and back me up on this. You CAN empower yourself to save your marriage.

Please, Love31, try to remember all the reasons why you married him in the first place. I can assure you that somewhere in the archives of both your minds, exist memories of the love you felt for each other on your wedding day. Love is a DECISION that you have to make everyday. You have to decide to love him even when he doesn’t deserve your love.

If your marriage is important to you, forget what the quitters have to say, take positive steps to save your marriage and do it NOW. You CAN pull your husband from the arms of the interloper and make him never go back. It will take kindness and love, not threats, anger and criticism. Once you have the proper tools, your husband can be like soft, warm putty in your hands.

 

[Robaynne]

Dear Love31,

I am still praying for you and your husband. I pray that you two can reconcile your marriage, because I know it’s possible. Again, I will encourage you to consider Marriage Encounter. I cannot describe how much it has helped our marriage. If you two consider your marriage a priority, then just GO to the weekend. I GUARANTEE it will help. I’m so sure it will help, that I will pay your entry fee, if you and your husband spend the entire weekend and get nothing out of it. Whatever you do, insist on genuine Catholic marriage counseling, and accept no substitutes.

I would also strongly encourage you to thoroughly examen your own conscience and celebrate the sacrament of reconciliation just as soon as you can get in. My guess is it’s been a while. Don’t underestimate the power of this underused sacrament. It WILL help you.

I’m afraid that there are many here who encourage you to quit, just give up on your marriage and leave him. I believe that those who do that are trying to justify their own failures and make a business out of ‘helping’ others to take their same path.

I would encourage you to consider the advise of those who have been successful at keeping their first and only marriage alive, vibrant and wonderful for many, many years, over the quitters. We will be the last to tell you to quit. We will also be the first to say that it isn’t easy. I hope that some long-time marrieds will step forward and back me up on this. You CAN empower yourself to save your marriage.

Please, Love31, try to remember all the reasons why you married him in the first place. I can assure you that somewhere in the archives of both your minds, exist memories of the love you felt for each other on your wedding day. Love is a DECISION that you have to make everyday. You have to decide to love him even when he doesn’t deserve your love.

If your marriage is important to you, forget what the quitters have to say, take positive steps to save your marriage and do it NOW. You CAN pull your husband from the arms of the interloper and make him never go back. It will take kindness and love, not threats, anger and criticism. Once you have the proper tools, your husband can be like soft, warm putty in your hands.

I would never encourage the OP to leave her husband. All I was saying that he should not hurt his wife anymore than he has by telling her about this women calling him and coming to his work. That will only hurt her more. That if he really wants this marriage to work then he will do everything in his power to let that happen. And that he should not waste her time if he is not going to end the affair. That she should not allow herself to be miserable and unhappy and have faith in God and believe that things are going to work out.

My marriage ended because my husband did not want to give it a chance not by choice. I am hurt and offended by what you said in the last paragraph that you made. If a person keeps hurting you over and over again and you keep forgiving that person year in and out. Everytime that person beats you to a pulp and you cannot stand or walk for days and says he is sorry and buys you flowers you should forgive until the next time. He cheats on you with another women and says sorry and brings you flowers and you forgive again. You go to the Retrouvaille weekend and after the followup sesssions you get told that he is not going to change for anybody. I tried everything to make my marriage work but my husband just was not interested in making it work. He did not love me and the kids enough to make the marriage work. And you have no right to say the things that you did.

So people who have failed marriages be it their fault or not should not say anything to other people who are having a hard time right now. Should we not express our experiences in life so that maybe it will help to know that what the OP is feeling now is normal and it does get better with time.

 

[Ailina]

I agree with Robyanne. If a cheating spouse is not willing to give up the adulterous relationship and truly work on a marriage, then there is no hope. Adulterous relationships are akin to addictions. There needs to be a clean break, with absolutely no contact made with the other woman. Otherwise, the marriage cannot be rebuilt, forgiveness or not.

 

[mary_s_kid]

.

You CAN pull your husband from the arms of the interloper and make him never go back. It will take kindness and love, not threats, anger and criticism. Once you have the proper tools, your husband can be like soft, warm putty in your hands.

I was pretty much with you up until this paragraph. Sometimes, no matter what is done, an unfaithful spouse may choose not to work on the marriage. I think the “CAN” in your statement should be changed to “There is a good chance you can pull your husband…”
The way that’s worded it makes it sound as if someone’s marriage (in this instance) didn’t work it would be because the faithful spouse didn’t do “everything” right. I’m sure there are women and men on this forum who absolutely did all they could do to save their marriages and it didn’t work out anyway. Marriage, as frequently mentioned on here, needs both spouses to work not just one.

Just as an aside, I would recommend Retrovaille over Marriage Encounter in this situation. Retrovaille is specifically for marriages in trouble and some on the brink of divorce. Marriage Encounter teaches the same communication style but is intended for average or good marriages. I’ve been to both.

(and, Cargopilot, your money back guarantee was really generous!)

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I was pretty much with you up until this paragraph. Sometimes, no matter what is done, an unfaithful spouse may choose not to work on the marriage. I think the “CAN” in your statement should be changed to “There is a good chance you can pull your husband…”
The way that’s worded it makes it sound as if someone’s marriage (in this instance) didn’t work it would be because the faithful spouse didn’t do “everything” right. I’m sure there are women and men on this forum who absolutely did all they could do to save their marriages and it didn’t work out anyway. Marriage, as frequently mentioned on here, needs both spouses to work not just one.

Just as an aside, I would recommend Retrovaille over Marriage Encounter in this situation. Retrovaille is specifically for marriages in trouble and some on the brink of divorce. Marriage Encounter teaches the same communication style but is intended for average or good marriages. I’ve been to both.

(and, Cargopilot, your money back guarantee was really generous!)

Or, as Mother Theresa used to say: “God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful.”

All we can ever do is to do our best to discern the course of action called for by God, and to do our best to be faithful to God’s call. After that, it is all in God’s hands. Jesus told the truth, yet those whom he preached to crucified him for it, and he was left praying to God to have mercy on them. A great many of them did not come around to repentance in the public portion of their earthly lifetime.

Your husband may abandon you, but God will not. Ask God every day to give you the strength to be faithful to Him. You are finding out what this “love thine enemy” business is all about. May God comfort you and bear you up.

 

[cargopilot]

I was pretty much with you up until this paragraph. Sometimes, no matter what is done, an unfaithful spouse may choose not to work on the marriage. I think the “CAN” in your statement should be changed to “There is a good chance you can pull your husband…”
The way that’s worded it makes it sound as if someone’s marriage (in this instance) didn’t work it would be because the faithful spouse didn’t do “everything” right. I’m sure there are women and men on this forum who absolutely did all they could do to save their marriages and it didn’t work out anyway. Marriage, as frequently mentioned on here, needs both spouses to work not just one.

Just as an aside, I would recommend Retrovaille over Marriage Encounter in this situation. Retrovaille is specifically for marriages in trouble and some on the brink of divorce. Marriage Encounter teaches the same communication style but is intended for average or good marriages. I’ve been to both.

(and, Cargopilot, your money back guarantee was really generous!)

Perhaps my using the word “CAN” should have been different and had more of a qualifying tone, but I’m military-style.

When you’ve got someone doing survival training under the most difficult conditions imaginable, you get them through by yelling 'YOU CAN DO IT" in their ear. You don’t get someone who is very close to their personal breaking point, to do the impossible by saying in a soft tone, “There is a good chance you can…” When basic survival is at stake, you’ve got to only say “CAN DO!”

If you’ve done both ME and Retrovaille and you think Retrovaille is indicated, I’ll have to agree with you. I’ve only done ME and I loved it, but there was no adultery involved.

Thanks for the kudos on the money back guarantee for the entry fee for ME. But as an ME vet, you know, if both go for the entire weekend, they’re gonna get something out of it and I won’t have to pay-off.

 

[jules11]

The problem is that it is very often the 'other woman ’ who wants to be nibbled, rather than the wife

I just have to say, this was a very unfeeling and cruel thing to say on a thread where this woman is in agony over her husbands affair. Twice, people have been warned to stay on the topic and what has this to do with helping her??? And your previous post??
PLEASE… A little more compasion. She does not need to read things like this!!!

 

[jules11]

Oh my! That is funny but I hope the OP isn’t too sad to hear this!

His book definitely makes sense. You are in love with your wife. She is affectionate, she is your child’s mother. She is smart and pretty.

But then you have your lover, who is passionate and wants to enjoy lots of sex.

Now you “need” both of them, because neither one is meeting your needs completely and you have engaged in sexual intercourse with both of them, creating a strong connection due to the hormones released.

I cant believe I’m reading these posts!!! PLEASE, this is cruel! Start another thread and leave this poor woman to find the help she needs in this one! This situation is NOT funny in the slightest! What if she tried to meet all his needs and you are insinuating that she didn’t and that is why he has a mistress?? I know that you don’t mean that this is an excuse for the husband, but nonetheless… She doesn’t need this rubbed in her face!I think people need to offer genuine help or not say anything at all…
Sorry if I offend, this is as charitable as I can be with such absurd posts!!

 

[jules11]

Cheating husbands, do you notice how it is us who are at fault?

I do not see any mention of celibate wives or wives who refuse fo consummate their marriage vows yet are the first ones to shout when their husbands fed up with sexual frustration, decide to cheat.

I know, I have been there. Sorry girls but I go with the men every time.

My only regret was to listen to mother church and stick with such an intollerable situation for so long

This is unbelievable!!! You can’t be serious! Have a heart!

 

[Zelie_Louis]

Thanks to those of you who heeded my two reminders to stay on topic. Unfortunately, some posters persist in using this thread to make generalized statements about who is most to blame in a marriage suffering from an affair. Because the discussion/debate is rather insensitive to the OP who is obviously hurting and asked for support–not blame, this thread is now closed.