Cheating Husband

[cargopilot]

If there are problems in the marriage that need to be worked on…then work on them…whatever that means. But the consequences of the act of adultery and the “blame” for what happens lie with the person who committed the adultery. The adulterer made the choice to cheat.Generally speaking, the spouse, who may or may not have contributed to the issues that lead up to the adultery, wasn’t asked by the other “is it OK if I cheat?”

Kathy

                     Hi Kathy,

So in your view, once the husband becomes an adulterer, that does a complete re-start of the blame-o-meter, directing ALL faults on the adulterous husband. At no time could the ‘innocent’ wife have had anything to do with the husband’s infidelity? Further, once the husband has comitted adultery, EVERYTHING hence-forth is now his fault? Is that what you are saying?

Let’s look at the prisioner of war. Every POW has a breaking point, that is the point at which he will do or say things that, under normal circumstances, he would never do. After a period of neglect, torture, and deprivation, even the toughest soldier will fall. Further, the POW will eventually become consumed with escape. Does that make him a traitor, who should be shot for treason? Or do we show him some compassion? While society might treat him so kind, you can bet his fellow soldiers will forgive him 70x7 times.

So, again, I believe that there more than a scant few spouses, male and female, who have resorted to adultery simply because they couldn’t take the neglect, torture and deprivation, not completely unlike what’s found in a prison camp. How are these husbands any different than the wife who is abused? Kathy, so many of your posts have revealed that you have left an abusive marriage, and are now in a relationship that is much happier for you. How does the form of torture that you endured in your marriage differ than that of the neglected, disrespected husband? My friend, you seem to justify your ‘situation’ just fine, while harshly judging the husband who was driven to cheat.

As another poster noted, very, very few husbands have resorted to adultery when they have the respect and love from a good wife, who treats them well. The rare few who DO have that good wife at home and still cheat, well, they can’t look to me to defend their actions.

I think we all need to get past the “blame the cheater mentality”. That helps NO ONE. I believe the thing to focus on is what can both do to preserve the marriage and the family. What’s so wrong with both assuming 100% of the blame and then get on with fixing the problems? What’s so wrong with the ‘innocent’ husband or wife, forgiving 70x7 times?

 

[Zelie_Louis]

Please remember to stay on topic. This thread seems to be straying for the OP’s intent and purpose. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

 

[Robaynne]

Just so you know…things have just gotten worse. I found him at her house this morning…I don’t even want to talk about it…

What you are going through now is not a easy thing. And you think that nothing is working out or coming right for you right now. That you wish the pain and suffering with just disappear.

These are normal feelings to have and you are not alone. I have been down this road and it is not a easy path. There are going to be good days and very bad days. But eventually you will see that things are going to work out. Stop talking about the affair that your husband had. Stop talking about what happened between the two of them you do not need to know all that details.I am sorry but you do not need to know anything that happened between them. The reason I say this it will break you to pieces because you will always be reminded of that and it will play over and over again in your mind.

Remember this you are not to blame for you husbands actions. And you should never feel that you are to blame he is an adult and should have been responsible enough to not get himself into such a situation. You say he was sorry then what is he doing by the womens house and how do you know that he was there.

But I want you to remember something the pain does eventually go away and you will get through this. Be strong not only for yourself but for your childs sake.

Please people I am talking from experience do not go digging for things you are going to find out things that you do not want to know and will not be able to handle. Once you find out about the affair do not go into detail it is better than you do not know the details. As it will break you to pieces day in and day out. I wish that I did not dig and find out the things that I did. It broke me you think that knowing everything will make you not look a stupid but at the end of the day the only person that gets hurt is yourself.

 

[mariam1976]

yes this is true. once you know of the affair, there is no point in knowing the details.

 

[toothdigger]

It appears that the cheating husband is always considered the one who is at fault. Perhaps the cheating of a spouse could be a symptom of something else. Perhaps the ‘innocent’ spouse isn’t so innocent, at all.

Never having cheated, I can only speak of personal experiences with others. Over the years, I’ve had many personal conversations with husbands who first complain about their wives who, in their view, nagged them, didn’t respect them, refused marital relations repeatedly, spent money like water, and so forth. Eventually, those constant complaints and dread of going home turn to excitement over having met someone new, who doesn’t do all that mean stuff (at least for now).

I realize that the prevailing attitude wants to only fault the cheating husband, and the ‘innocent wife’ shares no responsibility in driving hubby into the arms of another. But I’ve seen it. I’ve seen friends publically ‘dressed-down’ by their wives for the smallest faults. After years of this sort of psycological torture, it’s no wonder some husbands make the poor decision to cheat. Perhaps the ‘innocent’ spouse, whether male or female, need to look within for the reason their spouse cheats.

You may think this way, but you must remember that the spouse who did NOT cheat was also being driven to cheat by the spouse who was complaining ‘you don’t respect me,’ which over time can translate into ‘you are not good enough for me’ which can translate into ‘you are unworthy of me, so I am going to find someone who is worthy of me.’ The spouse who remained TRUE, believe me, was being psychologically tortured just as much. It is NEVER just one person’s fault that a marriage is destroyed, but OFTEN one person is MORE culpable than the other… and that is the spouse who CHEATS and LIES about it, asks forgiveness, and then continues to CHEAT, and lies about that, and continues to cheat…until whatever trust and love was left is finally crushed to death…

Also, Kathy, what is happening to you happened to me (obviously) and I did survive. I won’t lie: it was the hardest thing I have ever been through but looking back, I see how extraordinarily unhappy I was in a marriage with an emotionally bleak man who was unable to tell the truth…

Lean on Christ; He is your true spouse… the verse is in Isaiah but I can’t remember right now where… it is the ’ I will be your husband, etc…’

 

[Love31]

My days have been up and down and I’ll have to say that today I feel really down. Almost as if I’m getting tired of this struggle. I made a big mistake by meeting with her yesterday. She keeps calling my husband and now feels she can call me. I feel like I’m loosing…I want to scream and just cry. I need help! Please keep praying for me. I really am struggling.

 

[Love31]

What you are going through now is not a easy thing. And you think that nothing is working out or coming right for you right now. That you wish the pain and suffering with just disappear.

These are normal feelings to have and you are not alone. I have been down this road and it is not a easy path. There are going to be good days and very bad days. But eventually you will see that things are going to work out. Stop talking about the affair that your husband had. Stop talking about what happened between the two of them you do not need to know all that details.I am sorry but you do not need to know anything that happened between them. The reason I say this it will break you to pieces because you will always be reminded of that and it will play over and over again in your mind.

Remember this you are not to blame for you husbands actions. And you should never feel that you are to blame he is an adult and should have been responsible enough to not get himself into such a situation. You say he was sorry then what is he doing by the womens house and how do you know that he was there.

But I want you to remember something the pain does eventually go away and you will get through this. Be strong not only for yourself but for your childs sake.

Please people I am talking from experience do not go digging for things you are going to find out things that you do not want to know and will not be able to handle. Once you find out about the affair do not go into detail it is better than you do not know the details. As it will break you to pieces day in and day out. I wish that I did not dig and find out the things that I did. It broke me you think that knowing everything will make you not look a stupid but at the end of the day the only person that gets hurt is yourself.

I wish I would have read this before I went to meet her. I found out way to much information. I think she was trying to hurt me and she did. I can’t think straight. I feel like giving up! LORD, PLEASE I NEED YOU TO HOLD ME!

 

[mariam1976]

I wish I would have read this before I went to meet her. I found out way to much information. I think she was trying to hurt me and she did. I can’t think straight. I feel like giving up! LORD, PLEASE I NEED YOU TO HOLD ME!

my dear… stop trying to hold this marriage together on your own… you are just hurting yourself… remember a marriage is a covenant that two people swear to… so dont try to do it all on your own. If it is happening that he does not care anymore, then you need to let go too…

 

[toothdigger]

My days have been up and down and I’ll have to say that today I feel really down. Almost as if I’m getting tired of this struggle. I made a big mistake by meeting with her yesterday. She keeps calling my husband and now feels she can call me. I feel like I’m loosing…I want to scream and just cry. I need help! Please keep praying for me. I really am struggling.

I am praying for you. I can not imagine talking to or meeting with my husband’s mistress. What a terrible burden for you to have to deal with. Get caller id and do NOT answer the phone when she calls. She has no right to interject herself into YOUR life. It is enough already… As others have said, lean on the LORD but also find someone who is nearby physically to talk to…

You are in more pain than anyone can imagine except people who have been there!

In CHRIST.

 

[Ailina]

I wish I would have read this before I went to meet her. I found out way to much information. I think she was trying to hurt me and she did. I can’t think straight. I feel like giving up! LORD, PLEASE I NEED YOU TO HOLD ME!

Hi Love31, I emailed the only one of the other women in my soon-to-be-ex’s that I knew about, and also found out more than I expected. But I truly believe she is possessed and mentally ill, as is my ex. He is not the man I thought I married all those years ago, in any case. He chose to walk away, as did your husband. Sometimes, it is better to let go, because the marriage is truly broken, especially when the other spouse has made the choice to leave.

I was where you are last June, and felt I wasn’t holding up to my vows if I sought a separation from an unfaithful spouse. But it turns out there really was no marriage to hang onto. Worse, the ex gave me an STD, for which I will have to be treated. Thank God it isn’t AIDS, and hopefully it won’t turn into cancer, although that is a possibility.

To those of you who say the faithful spouse had a part in the adultery, is that spouse also deserving of any STD that the unfaithful spouse may have passed on?

 

[proudnifi]

There is no way a spouse, faithful or otherwise, can be responsible for their spouse’s adultery. Each person is responsible for their own sin. If a spouse is so unhappy in a marriage that they feel the temptation for adultery is overwhelming, they have a moral duty to get themselves out of that situation - speak up about their unhappiness, get a separation, etc. A vow to be faithful “until death do us part” is exactly what it says.

Love31 - I am so sorry you are in this situation. You are not alone. You are a worthy person deserving of respect and love. Get a support system and take care of yourself and your child. Prayers are with you.

 

[Robaynne]

I wish I would have read this before I went to meet her. I found out way to much information. I think she was trying to hurt me and she did. I can’t think straight. I feel like giving up! LORD, PLEASE I NEED YOU TO HOLD ME!

You STOP right there and get rid of that NEGATIVITY you will not allow anybody to defeat you. It is not the end of the world. That women no matter what she is can never ever compare to you and don’t you ever compare yourself to her. That man married you in the eyes of God, friends and family. What is she? She is not important she will always be the Mistress and that is it. You are his legal wife. She is nothing.

When she calls you again tell her that you have nothing to say to her and if she continues then you will get a protection order against her for harrassment.

You are going to have to be strong if you do not you are going to fall apart and you cannot afford for that to happen right now. I am talking from experience and you need to get help NOW. Do not allow yourself to get into a depressed mode. It is a process but never give up hope, faith and belief. I know that you are feeling like you wish the world would come to and end and why is this happening to me what did I do to deserve it. But that is normal feelings and emotions. One day you will look back on this and say look how I was then and see me now.

But it does get better I promise you. But it takes time. And this is the time when you really need to have faith in God and pray like you have never prayed before. Put everything in his hands. But never give up do not you have a child to think of and that is all that is important.

My soon to be ex of 12 years we have 2 kids and he left me a year ago for a 19 year old. I fell apart, I approached the teenager and beat her up, I tried to committ suicide by taking tablets and landed up in hospital , two months later ended up in hospital again for depression after finding out that this teenager got herself pregnant. Got no financial support for the kids for almost 9 months. Felt hurt, betrayed, hatred, resentment, disappointment, angry etc, etc. But when I look back today I say to myself that it is was not worth it. He is the looser today not me. He may be living with this young women even though we are not divorced yet. They have a 7month old baby that does not even stay with them but in another town far away. His own kids live about 30 min drive away and he hardly ever sees then once in 2 months.He hardly even calls them. He is only 33 years old but he is still very irresponsible.

I am so much better off without him. First of all I have found God which I would never have if I stayed with him. We were not meant to be together. And it has taken me a year to find that out. That our marriage was not important enough for him to fight for. That girl was more important than me and the kids. So she can have him. God has a plan for me not sure what it is but he has a plan.

Remember he will never ever forsaken you. What is happening now is happening for a reason. But the bottom line is that you have to be strong. You have to walk tall and ask God for guidance and assistance. And pray and have faith. Because faith can move mountains. And God is a loving God he is kind and gentle just let is go. Don’t allow yourself to feel defeated.

If you ever need to talk send me a PM and we can talk anytime.

 

[toothdigger]

There is no way a spouse, faithful or otherwise, can be responsible for their spouse’s adultery. Each person is responsible for their own sin. If a spouse is so unhappy in a marriage that they feel the temptation for adultery is overwhelming, they have a moral duty to get themselves out of that situation - speak up about their unhappiness, get a separation, etc. A vow to be faithful “until death do us part” is exactly what it says.

Love31 - I am so sorry you are in this situation. You are not alone. You are a worthy person deserving of respect and love. Get a support system and take care of yourself and your child. Prayers are with you.

AMEN!

 

[mariam1976]

Please! I really am in need for prayers! For strength!

please go to ***divorcecare.com ***and find a center near you so that you can get some support. i was in the same place where u were about 9 months ago and at that time i would have done anything to bring my husband back. but now, looking back, i realise that he would have just taken me away from my first love… Jesus. We are always to focus on Jesus. everything else comes second my dear. remember that always.
we all are there for you. PM me if you want to speak to someone… now that i have placed my faith in JESUS, i am seeing that the smallest of my desires are being fulfilled. that makes me think why is the marriage not being restored as that is my greatest desire… after all that is the one covenant we make with God… shouldnt that be more important? but i know now in my heart that JESUS knows what is best for me…
i know this is difficult for you to comprehend now as it was for me even a month ago but i notice that the more that i leave in HIS hands the more i am at peace and the more things happen for the good…
i know if JESUS wants, my marriage will be restored… HE does not need our help remember!!!
please get Help soon… PLEASE!!! it is a very slippery slope where you are…

 

[ElianaPiano]

I just recently found out that my husband was having an affair. We have been praying together to reconcile. My feelings are completly shot. I’m depressed, confused, angry and very unsure of myself. My husband has prayed for the Lords forgivness and mine. I believe the affair is over and he really is trying to make things work. We have discussed the affair and have found that we both had issues in our marriage and are now aware of them and are trying to resolve them. We both are suffering from an emotional train wreck. He feels so ashamed, embarassed, and angry at the choices he has made and for being so weak. I can see this. I honestly see his pain. Am I being a fool? I do have to say that since I found out about the affair…everything between us has been better that it has in years. Our communication line has never been better. Its the emotional roller coaster ride I need help with. I love my husband and we want our marriage to survive. We need lots of prayers. If anyone knows of scriptures to read to help us thru this. Please any advice…Blessings

I will say a prayer for you. You might try reading the book of Isaiah. It speaks of how God welcomes back his bride Israel, even after her unfaithfulness.

 

[Katie1723]

Hi Kathy,
So in your view, once the husband becomes an adulterer, that does a complete re-start of the blame-o-meter, directing ALL faults on the adulterous husband. At no time could the ‘innocent’ wife have had anything to do with the husband’s infidelity? Further, once the husband has comitted adultery, EVERYTHING hence-forth is now his fault? Is that what you are saying?

Cargo,
If there are issues in a marriage,they need to be dealt with. When someone CHOOSES to commit adultery, the “fault” of that lies solely with the person who does the act. If there are issues in a marriage, perhaps some temporary distance would help. But no matter what, NOTHING ever justifies cheating in my book. If ,like the POW in your analogy, the marriage breaks down, then cheating just compounds an already complex problem.
As far as “forgiving someone 70 x7”, there are bigger issues than philandering that need attention.

Kathy

 

[toothdigger]

Cargo,
If there are issues in a marriage,they need to be dealt with. When someone CHOOSES to commit adultery, the “fault” of that lies solely with the person who does the act. If there are issues in a marriage, perhaps some temporary distance would help. But no matter what, NOTHING ever justifies cheating in my book. If ,like the POW in your analogy, the marriage breaks down, then cheating just compounds an already complex problem.
As far as “forgiving someone 70 x7”, there are bigger issues than philandering that need attention.

Kathy

I agree completely. Adultery is a choice just as fidelity is a choice.

 

[cargopilot]

Cargo,
If there are issues in a marriage,they need to be dealt with. When someone CHOOSES to commit adultery, the “fault” of that lies solely with the person who does the act. If there are issues in a marriage, perhaps some temporary distance would help. But no matter what, NOTHING ever justifies cheating in my book. If ,like the POW in your analogy, the marriage breaks down, then cheating just compounds an already complex problem.
As far as “forgiving someone 70 x7”, there are bigger issues than philandering that need attention.

Kathy

OK, so forgiveness is not in your playbook once the husband has committed adultery, no matter what. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

Let’s say that I neglected my dear wife, completely taking her for granted. Also, let’s suppose that I verbally abused her and did all these things over the course of years. Nothing extreme, just enough to make her feel unloved and unappreciated. She has stoically endured my behavior all this time, always prayerful that things might get better, someday, but it never really does. Now, let’s introduce another man, perhaps a highschool sweetheart that she hasn’t seen in years. A sweet man who has been widowed and has never really forgotten her. He treats her kindly and still has feelings for her. They have coffee somewhere and recollect all the great times they had, back in the day. One thing leads to another and in a moment of weakness, things get quickly out of hand, and she commits adultery.

How could I be blameless and how could she be completely at fault? Should I have an epiphany, realizing that I’ve been a total jerk, why shouldn’t I shoulder the lion’s share of blame? Why should I NOT forgive her 7x70?

 

[Ailina]

OK, so forgiveness is not in your playbook once the husband has committed adultery, no matter what. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

Let’s say that I neglected my dear wife, completely taking her for granted. Also, let’s suppose that I verbally abused her and did all these things over the course of years. Nothing extreme, just enough to make her feel unloved and unappreciated. She has stoically endured my behavior all this time, always prayerful that things might get better, someday, but it never really does. Now, let’s introduce another man, perhaps a highschool sweetheart that she hasn’t seen in years. A sweet man who has been widowed and has never really forgotten her. He treats her kindly and still has feelings for her. They have coffee somewhere and recollect all the great times they had, back in the day. One thing leads to another and in a moment of weakness, things get quickly out of hand, and she commits adultery.

How could I be blameless and how could she be completely at fault? Should I have an epiphany, realizing that I’ve been a total jerk, why shouldn’t I shoulder the lion’s share of blame? Why should I NOT forgive her 7x70?

Easy answer to this one: You explain to your wife just how unhappy you are, and that a separation is in order until you both go for counselling. That is a wake up call for her, more than sneaking around with other women.

Btw, not all adultery goes the way you tell it. My husband felt I wasn’t having enough sex with him, so rather than tell me that, he decided to have it on the side. We never stopped having sex at home; it just wasn’t as often once the three kids came on the scene, because kids take time and energy to raise, and just dropping everything to have sex is no longer possible.

And because he was having sex with multiple partners, he passed on an STD to me that could lead to cancer, and certainly will require some painful treatments. Please tell me what wife deserves something like that?

The bottom line is to talk, and if the other spouse won’t listen, walk away until things improve. Sneaking around with other people is never going to improve a bad marriage, and will only make things worse.

 

[Zelie_Louis]

Please stay on topic, or I will have to close this thread. For those of you who wish to debate the fault in marriages suffering from adultery, start a new thread. This is the second and last warning. The OP is looking for support, not a generalized blame debate. Thank you for your cooperation.