Cheating Husband

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cargopilot,

The OP said in her original post: “We have discussed the affair and have found that we both had issues in our marriage and are now aware of them and are trying to resolve them.”

She already understands that they both need to work to make the marriage better.

Also, as much as certain problems may cause a spouse to cheat, adultery is never justified. No one, husband or wife should ever give into temptation, no mater how bad their marriage is – even if the other spouse has caused unrest at home! It’s not just a poor decision, it’s a serious sin! They are not just hurting their spouses but God as well by breaking their vows.

And yes, I completely agree that wives must respect their husbands. There is certainly a lack of respect in the examples you gave. But we don’t know why there is a problem there. The husbands say their wives “nag” them. Maybe the husbands fail to listen to their wives and respect the things they have asked them politely to do. Sounds like your examples are a result of years of resentment and poor communication on both sides.
 
Love31 said:
I just recently found out that my husband was having an affair. We have been praying together to reconcile. My feelings are completly shot. I’m depressed, confused, angry and very unsure of myself. My husband has prayed for the Lords forgivness and mine. I believe the affair is over and he really is trying to make things work. We have discussed the affair and have found that we both had issues in our marriage and are now aware of them and are trying to resolve them. We both are suffering from an emotional train wreck. He feels so ashamed, embarassed, and angry at the choices he has made and for being so weak. I can see this. I honestly see his pain. Am I being a fool? I do have to say that since I found out about the affair…everything between us has been better that it has in years. Our communication line has never been better. Its the emotional roller coaster ride I need help with. I love my husband and we want our marriage to survive. We need lots of prayers. If anyone knows of scriptures to read to help us thru this. Please any advice…Blessings
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Retrouvaille could help you through this.

www.retrouvaille.org

Let me know if you have any questions about it; I have been there.
 
I don’t intend to imply that adultery is ever justified, or adultery is anything but a serious mortal sin, only to say that adultery could be a symptom of other unresolved issues. Further, I believe that certain conditions can and do, lessen the moral culpability of the sinner. We’re all sinners to some degree, and every one of us have some threshold of weakness. If a spouse’s marching orders are to help get the other to heaven, I have to maintain that a good spouse, male or female, needs to be attentive to the others needs and aware of their weaknesses.

I have witnessed the embarassment of fellow pilots after being publically demeaned by their spouses. I have heard the laments of them describing what I can call nothing short of torment by their spouses. Just like the wives, husbands too, can also feel unappreciated, unloved and taken for granted. Continued operation under those conditions, can lead to other to occasions of sin, particularly when faced with daily temptations.

Admittedly, I only have one side of the story, but they are convincing. In those cases, it’s hard to believe the ‘offending’ spouse shouldn’t share in some of the blame, but many times, refuse to do so. I’m simply saying that to me, it seems that the husband is often the one who is blamed. Why does it appear that a husband who may very well have been driven to adultery is normally the one who’s blamed for everything that went wrong?
 
rkberlin said:
hi there,
I don#t buy into the “he feels worse than I do”. My husband always played that one, too. …I always felt sorry for my husband, he played the self pity role so well. In the end he told me he lost all respect for me for forgiving him and trying to make it work.
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It is important to remember that every offending spouse and marriage is unique. It is more useful to convey realistic and helpful expectations and put it entirely in the God’s hands. I am sorry that your situation apparently did not work out well.
 
Love31 said:
It has now been 4 weeks since I have found out about the affair. I have to say that because of the Lord, my husband, my daughter and all of your prayers I was able to (for the first time in 4 weeks) wake up this morning feeling a little more like normal. The constant pain in my stomach is better. My headaches seem to be gone. And my spirit seems to have a smile:) The sun this morning felt extra warm almost as if the Lord was softly brushing my check with his hand. The horrible images are getting blurry and last night we were able to look into each others eyes with comfort and love. THANKS BE TO GOD!!! I realize we still have a long way to go and my heart still hurts but step by step, day by day, with the Lord by our side…We will be healed. Please continue to pray for us. Thanks
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Thank you for the update! God is great indeed! He helped you through this. I’m so happy for you that you made it until here, and you’re looking toward your future together again- both as spouses and parents for your precious daughter! I firmly believe that God doesn’t intend for any marriage to fail, and I keep praying for you guys that you will pull through.You WILL- with God’s grace.
God bless!
 
cargopilot said:
I don’t intend to imply that adultery is ever justified, or adultery is anything but a serious mortal sin, only to say that adultery could be a symptom of other unresolved issues. Further, I believe that certain conditions can and do, lessen the moral culpability of the sinner. We’re all sinners to some degree, and every one of us have some threshold of weakness. If a spouse’s marching orders are to help get the other to heaven, I have to maintain that a good spouse, male or female, needs to be attentive to the others needs and aware of their weaknesses.

I have witnessed the embarassment of fellow pilots after being publically demeaned by their spouses. I have heard the laments of them describing what I can call nothing short of torment by their spouses. Just like the wives, husbands too, can also feel unappreciated, unloved and taken for granted. Continued operation under those conditions, can lead to other to occasions of sin, particularly when faced with daily temptations.

Admittedly, I only have one side of the story, but they are convincing. In those cases, it’s hard to believe the ‘offending’ spouse shouldn’t share in some of the blame, but many times, refuse to do so. I’m simply saying that to me, it seems that the husband is often the one who is blamed. Why does it appear that a husband who may very well have been driven to adultery is normally the one who’s blamed for everything that went wrong?
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I am sorry but I do not buy into it. Faults on the wife’s side do not lessen the moral culpability of the husband. A husband has always the choice of separating from the wife instead of cheating. Being poorly treated and lack of self respect does not attenuate the culpability of the person, a man must act like a man. I am not saying that separation is usually a good moral choice but cheating is much worse.

I cannot lead a horse to water an make it drink. The same way a person cannot lead the spouse to adultery. Having said that, I am quite sure that usually both spouses are at fault for the failure of a marriage, but cheating is beyond the failure of the marriage.
 
Love31 said:
It has now been 4 weeks since I have found out about the affair. I have to say that because of the Lord, my husband, my daughter and all of your prayers I was able to (for the first time in 4 weeks) wake up this morning feeling a little more like normal. The constant pain in my stomach is better. My headaches seem to be gone. And my spirit seems to have a smile:) The sun this morning felt extra warm almost as if the Lord was softly brushing my check with his hand. The horrible images are getting blurry and last night we were able to look into each others eyes with comfort and love. THANKS BE TO GOD!!! I realize we still have a long way to go and my heart still hurts but step by step, day by day, with the Lord by our side…We will be healed. Please continue to pray for us. Thanks
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Good Luck and God Bless!!! :gopray2:
 
Love31,
That is great news!!! Never lose faith that God can and will help if you ask him to. I wouldn’t wish divorce on my worst enemy… it is that painful! Do everything you can to repair your marriage and make it strong. That includes daily prayer… together is best btw… We will be prayeing for you here!!!
 
Pray a rosary for your matrimony every morning. It REALLY helps…
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It might also help to ask him what she gave him that he feels you could not.
 
Cristiano said:
I am sorry but I do not buy into it. Faults on the wife’s side do not lessen the moral culpability of the husband. A husband has always the choice of separating from the wife instead of cheating. Being poorly treated and lack of self respect does not attenuate the culpability of the person, a man must act like a man. …
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Well put. No matter what, no one held a gun to that man’s head forcing him to cheat. And to imply that because of the way someone was treated is license to cheat is dead wrong. The blame lies with the cheater and not the one cheated on.
Kathy
 
Cristiano said:
I am sorry but I do not buy into it. Faults on the wife’s side do not lessen the moral culpability of the husband. A husband has always the choice of separating from the wife instead of cheating. Being poorly treated and lack of self respect does not attenuate the culpability of the person, a man must act like a man. I am not saying that separation is usually a good moral choice but cheating is much worse.

I cannot lead a horse to water an make it drink. The same way a person cannot lead the spouse to adultery. Having said that, I am quite sure that usually both spouses are at fault for the failure of a marriage, but cheating is beyond the failure of the marriage.
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Again, I’m not attempting to justify or approve that which is a mortal sin, and certainly destructive to what must be a marriage in trouble. On that we agree. Also, in my many years of marriage, cheating is something I’ve never felt compelled to do. However, the tone of this thread, and also that of the general population, appears to place most, if not all of the blame for what, I believe, is a symptom, squarely and fully on the husband’s shoulders.

I firmly believe that there are many cases where the wife of the cheating husband must look within and share at least some inkling of the blame for the adulterous husband. It just seems one-sided to consider just the husband as the only bad-guy. Let me reverse the roles and play ‘what-if’. What if my dear wife resorted to adultery. First, I would muster everything I’ve got, and forgive her. Then, I would assume that her actions were symptoms of something else. I would carefully analyze what I have done, or not done, to drive her into the waiting arms of another and take immediate and decisive steps to find remedies. There are solutions, and I would take whatever steps needed to identify and fix the problem. Hopefully, I’ve been doing this all along and it wouldn’t have gotten out of control.

In flying a complicated airplane safely, the pilots need to constantly be way out in front of the airplane, anticipating and identifying problems long before they can build into uncontrollable situations. When flying along at mach 0.7 at FL 390, there’s no point in fixing blame on anyone, the only thing that matters is identifying the problem and fixing it NOW. Allowing multiple little problems to add up is what causes horrible accidents. Once you’re out of control, very little time is left before all souls aboard are lost, so immediate and drastic emergency procedures must be taken. The out of control airplane is usually a symptom of many little problems that collectively become one huge problem. At that point, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it was, the fault will be determined by the crash investigators. Saving the airplane, and therefore all the lives aboard, is the only thing that matters.

Two pilots sharing huge responsibility, for their lives and that of many, many others. Both taking full responsibility for the safe and successful flight, not wasting precious time, fuel, altitude and airspeed by assigning blame for problems along the way. Why couldn’t marriage be viewed the same way?
 
Cargopilot,
Maybe the line of thinking you are discussing would be better off having a thread of it’s own. I think for the sake of the OP it would be more charitable to refer her to helpful websites and offer your prayers. When a person is so raw after such a betrayal, implying that it’s her fault that it happened is a bit much to take. She needs support not blame. Respectfully, leave the details to their therapist.
 
cargopilot said:
I firmly believe that there are many cases where the wife of the cheating husband must look within and share at least some inkling of the blame for the adulterous husband. …?
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That’s like saying “Because you yelled at me and made me angry, I have every right to beat you”

WHOEVER cheats has the problem. Thay had the choice to cheat or not.

Kathy
 
Katie1723 said:
That’s like saying “Because you yelled at me and made me angry, I have every right to beat you”

WHOEVER cheats has the problem. Thay had the choice to cheat or not.

Kathy
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I agree, except after the affair, both spouses now have the infidelity problem to deal with. You can’t blame a faithful spouse for the poor choices, bad boundaries and rationalizations of an unfaithful spouse. Some people in bad marriages don’t ever cheat even when the opportunity arises. They can’t seem to rationalize crossing that moral boundary.
 
mary_s_kid said:
I agree, except after the affair, both spouses now have the infidelity problem to deal with. You can’t blame a faithful spouse for the poor choices, bad boundaries and rationalizations of an unfaithful spouse. Some people in bad marriages don’t ever cheat even when the opportunity arises. They can’t seem to rationalize crossing that moral boundary.
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Yes, afterwards it does become a “joint” problem. But for a previous poster to intimate that the faithful spouse is in part to “blame” for their partner’s infidelity, is a little like saying someone “deserved” to be beaten. That is what I have an issue with.

Kathy
 
Katie1723 said:
Yes, afterwards it does become a “joint” problem. But for a previous poster to intimate that the faithful spouse is in part to “blame” for their partner’s infidelity, is a little like saying someone “deserved” to be beaten. That is what I have an issue with.

Kathy
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That’s quite a leap you make for me from shared responsibility to “deserved” and from cheating to beating.

Let me be sure I understand our differences. I believe that both spouses have a common problem and that not ALL responsibility always lies with the adulterer. I believe that in a sacramental marriage that the two are one and you cannot transfer everything to the offending spouse. I offered that if my wife were to cheat on me, that I would muster all I could to forgive her and would then look within, knowing that I must share in and be part of the problem. Either I was doing something, or not doing something, to have driven her into the arms of another. I’m just a country-boy, and here in the country, we take responsibility. I wouldn’t dream of automatically transferring all the fault to her for her making the decision to cheat. But then what do I know. I’ve never cheated on her, never touched her in anger, nor has she done that to me. We’ve been married for over 20 years, and that works for us.

You appear to advocate a total and immediate transferrence of ALL responsibility to the offending spouse, without regard to the two-becomes-one, sacramental nature of Catholic marriage. It appears that the most important thing is who’s right and wrong, and protecting one’s individualism.

All I can say is, I consider myself to be as blessed as any man on Earth to have a wife who shares responsibility for the bad and the good, who considers my problem hers. Since we are one, I’ll love her, care for her, protect her until the day I die.
 
I find the discussion here over the culpabilty of the spouse for her husband’s character flaw insensitive and irrelevent for the OP. Bottom line here, folks, is that we don’t know the parties involved. It is very risky ground to try to assume to understand the complexities of any couple’s relationship.
 
cargopilot said:
At that point, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it was, the fault will be determined by the crash investigators. Saving the airplane, and therefore all the lives aboard, is the only thing that matters.

Two pilots sharing huge responsibility, for their lives and that of many, many others. Both taking full responsibility for the safe and successful flight, not wasting precious time, fuel, altitude and airspeed by assigning blame for problems along the way. Why couldn’t marriage be viewed the same way?
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cargopilot,

As I said in a previous post, the OP already knows that and is already working on the problem, not assigning blame. You are the one that said that “the wife of the cheating husband must look within and share at least some inkling of the blame for the adulterous husband.” So which is it – blame or fixing the marriage?

I agree with the other poster who said this should be a separate thread. The OP needs our prayers and support. God bless you Love31, and I hope you and your husband heal from the hurt you are going through.
 
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