K
Katie1723
Guest
Bingo…you said it,
Cargo, you sound like you are trying to justify something that can’t be.
Kathy
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Cargo, you sound like you are trying to justify something that can’t be.
Kathy
T
toothdigger
Guest
Hosea is good to read, too. Especially if you have truly forgiven your husband and want to see how an OT saint dealt with the same infidelity that you are dealing with. I am keeping you in my prayers.
J
jules11
Guest
Love31, please do not meet with this other woman, talk to her, email her or answer her phonecalls anymore!! Please don’t!
She has invaded your life in a terrible way, do not allow it any longer. You do NOT need to know details, times or places. That does not help at all with the already enormous amount of pain you are already experiencing. You have NO obligation to be this womans sounding board or for her to offload all the nasty details to you.
All that will come of it will be the graphic images going around in your head until you feel as if it will explode!
You need to distance yourself from your husband and this woman and allow yourself time to heal. He has already proven to you that a mere ‘sorry’ is enough to keep you hanging on so he can go and do it again. Do not put up with his behaviour or allow him to think he can walk all over you like that.
I know that when the pain is so great, you just want the comfort of what you had, but things have changed now and your husband cannot give you the comfort you need for your broken heart. Only God can do that.
Please, talk to your priest and any family memebers that could help. Cry, cry and cry some more. Talk about your pain with someone you trust. This is a very heavy cross to bear.
Your husband only deserves another chance if he is truly sorry and if he never sees this woman again. You cannot try to make your marriage work as long as their is still a third person in the picture.
I will be praying for you. Look to the cross. Pray for God’s will in your life and there will be a light at the end of this very long, dark tunnel.
God bless you.
She has invaded your life in a terrible way, do not allow it any longer. You do NOT need to know details, times or places. That does not help at all with the already enormous amount of pain you are already experiencing. You have NO obligation to be this womans sounding board or for her to offload all the nasty details to you.
All that will come of it will be the graphic images going around in your head until you feel as if it will explode!
You need to distance yourself from your husband and this woman and allow yourself time to heal. He has already proven to you that a mere ‘sorry’ is enough to keep you hanging on so he can go and do it again. Do not put up with his behaviour or allow him to think he can walk all over you like that.
I know that when the pain is so great, you just want the comfort of what you had, but things have changed now and your husband cannot give you the comfort you need for your broken heart. Only God can do that.
Please, talk to your priest and any family memebers that could help. Cry, cry and cry some more. Talk about your pain with someone you trust. This is a very heavy cross to bear.
Your husband only deserves another chance if he is truly sorry and if he never sees this woman again. You cannot try to make your marriage work as long as their is still a third person in the picture.
I will be praying for you. Look to the cross. Pray for God’s will in your life and there will be a light at the end of this very long, dark tunnel.
God bless you.
L
Love31
Guest
I just wish there was a way for me to truly know if things are over with her. My heart tells me no…if I knew that he was still with her I would leave…today. I can’t take this pain any longer. He is destroying me, my spirtit, my heart. The pain and emotions are unbearable. I don’t know what else to do. I really need some help! I’m crying out for help! Please keep praying for me PLEASE!
M
mariam1976
Guest
will be praying for you… but all i can tell you is that if he did this to you again so soon after having said sorry… he really did not mean it to begin with… please start making yourself strong… it does not matter whether he is there with her or not… remember, it is not her that we are concerned with but him… if it were not this woman, it would have been somebody else…
Distance yourself from him and start healing yourself before you completely break down… God does not want you to suffer in this way.
I will be praying to God for you to show you the right way…
T
toothdigger
Guest
There is a way - hire a good Christian Private Investigator. And, do not feel guilty about it.
J
jules11
Guest
Please, if nothing else, get yourself away for some respite. Look after yourself RIGHT NOW. Do what you have to do to get through. Move in with a friend, get a quiet place for the weekend, if possible. Go to a church and throw yourself at Our Lords feet. Cry if you have to. Ask a priest to let you into a church so you can be alone with Our Lord. I can guarantee that if you pour your heart out to Him, you will come away knowing what you are to do next. Do not try to figure out what will happen in a week, month or year. Just concentrate on getting through TODAY. You are in excruciating pain. Give it to Jesus. I will pray like crazy for you. I will pray for peace from this horror. I will say a rosary for you right now. God bless you and lift you up. God hold you in His loving arms and wipe away every tear that falls from your eyes. I am there with you in spirit and I feel for you so much. Rely only on God.
R
Robaynne
Guest
No this is not on. The OP has suffered enough she does not need to know anymore details than she already does.That is what is killing her day in and out.There is a way - hire a good Christian Private Investigator. And, do not feel guilty about it.
If you are feeling like this now then you are just wasting your time and his time trying to work things out. I agree with Jules11 start thinking about you. We are talking from experience there is no point getting hurt anymore than you have already.
But the decision is yours to make and nobody elses. We here at this forum cannot tell you to stay with your husband or leave him that is up to you as we are not living your life and going through what you are going through now. Some of us have been down this road and everybody reacts differently to a situation. Some of us fall apart and so don’t.
Sorry to say this but when I think back to how I was last year this time I say what an idiot I was. Why was I crying over spilt milk was I really going to kill myself and leave my children for somebody else to look after because the pain became to much to bare. Was I really making myself so miserable, unhappy and depressed and landing up in hospital for this man. That gave up his wife and two kids for a teenager that choose to be with her instead of us. She can have him he is not worth fighting over. He is the looser at the end of the day because he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He will never ever find another one like me that tolerated so much from him over the years and loved him more than anything in this world.
Stop hurting yourself. Try and find a solution to your problem instead of swimming in the misery. You need professional advice that is going to help you get over this. Think of that little girl she does not deserve to see her mother miserable and unhappy day in and day out. She needs you now and you need her. Because no matter what happens there will always be repercussions.
Right now you think that there is no light at the end of the tunnel but there is but you have to reach for it yourself. And you have to have faith in God and believe that he is going to get you through this. But most of all believe in yourself that you can be strong that you can geth through this. When you allow God in your life then he will give you all the answers that you need.
Take care and no that you are not alone we are always here for you. But most of all God is there for you 24/7 if you allow him to help you.
R
Robaynne
Guest
Who’s the Boss, You or Your Emotions?
by Joyce Meyer
The daily ups and downs of our emotions are one of the major struggles we have with our relationships. Instead of riding the emotional roller coaster, we need to learn to become stable, solid, steadfast, persevering, and determined people. If we continue to let our emotions rule over us, there’s no way we’ll ever be the person we were meant to be. Of course, none of us will ever be totally rid of emotions—but we must learn to manage and control them and not let them control us.
Life is no fun when it is controlled by feelings. Feelings change from day to day, hour to hour, even moment to moment. Not only do they change, they lie.
For example, you may be in a crowd of people and feel that everybody is talking about you, but that doesn’t mean they are. You may feel that nobody understands you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t. You may feel you are misunderstood, unappreciated, or even mistreated, but that doesn’t mean it is true. If we want to be mature, disciplined people, we must be determined not to walk according to what we feel.
People often ask me, “How can I know for sure whether I’m walking in truth or walking according to my feelings and emotions?” I believe the answer is found in patience. Emotions urge us toward haste, telling us that we must do something and do it right now! But godly wisdom tells us to wait until we have a clear picture of what it is we are to do and when we are to do it. We need to be able to back off and view our situation from God’s perspective. We need to make decisions based on what we know rather than on what we feel.
Let me give you an example from my own life. One time I had saved up some money to buy a good watch. I wanted to buy a nice watch so the band wouldn’t change colors and turn my wrist green! One day, my husband Dave and I were in the mall and happened to stop at a jewelry store where I saw a watch that was really very pretty. As we looked at the watch, we discovered that it was gold-plated and knew that it would probably eventually discolor, but it seemed to be just what I was looking for and it fit my arm perfectly. Not only that, but the clerk offered to mark it down. So my emotions said, “YES! That’s exactly what I want!”
But Dave said, “Well, you know, it’s gold-plated, and it will eventually discolor.” I said, “I know, but I really like this watch. What should I do?” “It’s your money,” he answered. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do,” I told the clerk. “I’d like for you to hold the watch for me while I walk around the mall for a bit. If I want the watch, I’ll come back for it within the hour.”
So Dave and I walked around the mall for a while. As we did, we passed a dress shop. Because I needed a couple of new outfits, I went in and found a really nice suit. I tried it on, and it fit perfectly. I loved it.
“That’s a nice suit,” Dave said. “You ought to get it.” I looked at the price tag and thought, It costs so much …no wonder it looks so good on me! But I really wanted that suit! Actually there are three things I wanted right then. I wanted the watch, I wanted the suit, and I wanted not to be broke. What did I decide to do? I applied wisdom and decided to wait. The watch—which really wasn’t the quality I wanted—would have taken all of my savings. The suit was beautiful, but it also would have taken most of my savings. So I decided that the best thing was to keep my money and wait until I was sure of what I wanted most. Usually the wisest course is when in doubt, don’t!
When faced with any difficult decision, wait until you have a clear answer before taking a step that you may regret. Emotions are wonderful, but they must not be allowed to take precedence over wisdom and knowledge. Remember—control your emotions instead of letting them control you.
by Joyce Meyer
The daily ups and downs of our emotions are one of the major struggles we have with our relationships. Instead of riding the emotional roller coaster, we need to learn to become stable, solid, steadfast, persevering, and determined people. If we continue to let our emotions rule over us, there’s no way we’ll ever be the person we were meant to be. Of course, none of us will ever be totally rid of emotions—but we must learn to manage and control them and not let them control us.
Life is no fun when it is controlled by feelings. Feelings change from day to day, hour to hour, even moment to moment. Not only do they change, they lie.
For example, you may be in a crowd of people and feel that everybody is talking about you, but that doesn’t mean they are. You may feel that nobody understands you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t. You may feel you are misunderstood, unappreciated, or even mistreated, but that doesn’t mean it is true. If we want to be mature, disciplined people, we must be determined not to walk according to what we feel.
People often ask me, “How can I know for sure whether I’m walking in truth or walking according to my feelings and emotions?” I believe the answer is found in patience. Emotions urge us toward haste, telling us that we must do something and do it right now! But godly wisdom tells us to wait until we have a clear picture of what it is we are to do and when we are to do it. We need to be able to back off and view our situation from God’s perspective. We need to make decisions based on what we know rather than on what we feel.
Let me give you an example from my own life. One time I had saved up some money to buy a good watch. I wanted to buy a nice watch so the band wouldn’t change colors and turn my wrist green! One day, my husband Dave and I were in the mall and happened to stop at a jewelry store where I saw a watch that was really very pretty. As we looked at the watch, we discovered that it was gold-plated and knew that it would probably eventually discolor, but it seemed to be just what I was looking for and it fit my arm perfectly. Not only that, but the clerk offered to mark it down. So my emotions said, “YES! That’s exactly what I want!”
But Dave said, “Well, you know, it’s gold-plated, and it will eventually discolor.” I said, “I know, but I really like this watch. What should I do?” “It’s your money,” he answered. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do,” I told the clerk. “I’d like for you to hold the watch for me while I walk around the mall for a bit. If I want the watch, I’ll come back for it within the hour.”
So Dave and I walked around the mall for a while. As we did, we passed a dress shop. Because I needed a couple of new outfits, I went in and found a really nice suit. I tried it on, and it fit perfectly. I loved it.
“That’s a nice suit,” Dave said. “You ought to get it.” I looked at the price tag and thought, It costs so much …no wonder it looks so good on me! But I really wanted that suit! Actually there are three things I wanted right then. I wanted the watch, I wanted the suit, and I wanted not to be broke. What did I decide to do? I applied wisdom and decided to wait. The watch—which really wasn’t the quality I wanted—would have taken all of my savings. The suit was beautiful, but it also would have taken most of my savings. So I decided that the best thing was to keep my money and wait until I was sure of what I wanted most. Usually the wisest course is when in doubt, don’t!
When faced with any difficult decision, wait until you have a clear answer before taking a step that you may regret. Emotions are wonderful, but they must not be allowed to take precedence over wisdom and knowledge. Remember—control your emotions instead of letting them control you.
T
toothdigger
Guest
I offered this advice because you said you wanted to know if the affair is over. This is the only way that I know to find out once and for all.There is a way - hire a good Christian Private Investigator. And, do not feel guilty about it.
I have been there, and this was, for me, the best decision I made. I was so tired of being lied to…
And of course, at the same time, I laid ALL at the feet of our LORD.
C
chevalier
Guest
I’ll pray for you. And for your husband as well. I hope he’s sincere in seeking to reconcile with you. It can still work, even after adultery. I hope for the best for you.
L
Love31
Guest
I just feel that we are taking steps forward and then we take steps backward. He made us together ( Me and my husband)tell her to leave him alone. I know she was shocked. But then I think maybe the two of them are making a fool of me. I want to beleive that he is going to get over her but I just think he is weak. I don’t know what else to do. I’m sitting here like the stupid understanding wife trying to hold on to a marriage that I’m not even sure he wants to be in. His mind changes one minute to the next. He can’t stand her then he’s calling her. It takes him a while to tell me but he always seems to tell me that she’s been at his job site or that he finally broke down and answered her call. HE’S WEAK!!! How much more am I suppose to take! I have made an appointment to see a counselor this week. My emotions have changed from being depressed to being truly angry. I’m afraid of making any kind of a decision under these angry emotions. I’m afraid that I may say or do something I was not planning or something that is not me. I think he feels that I may be to understanding or that I maybe forgave to easily. He told me that I should be the one acting crazy not her. He says why are you so understanding. He told me that he would have left me if it were the other way around. I so confused. Please keep praying…
H
homewardbound
Guest
You are such a strong woman to be holding together as well as you are! If I were in your position I would have kicked him out immediately!
I hope and pray God heals you, and your marriage if doing so is His will, I hope the counselor helps and focus on taking care of yourself. Your husband will do what he wants too. I’m so sorry he’s been so awful to you. As an unmarried woman, thats all I have to offer.
I hope and pray God heals you, and your marriage if doing so is His will, I hope the counselor helps and focus on taking care of yourself. Your husband will do what he wants too. I’m so sorry he’s been so awful to you. As an unmarried woman, thats all I have to offer.
B
Black_Jaque
Guest
Well, it can be awful alarming to a husband to find out that his fidelity isn’t valued, nay, cherished, by his wife.
Pacifism runs rampant in our culture. We are told not to punish our children when we’re angry. We are not taught to distinguish between deadly sin anger and righteous indignation. We are not taught how to distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation.
Are you showing your husband just how fuming mad this all makes you? Are you showing your husband how much you cherished his fidelity, and how offended you are by his breaking it?
You need to.
Problem is, some people think that the only way to show your indignation is by divorcing. That’s not true.
One time, early in our marriage, my wife made some comment that indicated to me that my fidelity was not cherished by her. Uggh. That hurt a lot. I didn’t run out and have an affair, but boy, it just made me feel lower than a pile of dog…
Pacifism runs rampant in our culture. We are told not to punish our children when we’re angry. We are not taught to distinguish between deadly sin anger and righteous indignation. We are not taught how to distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation.
Are you showing your husband just how fuming mad this all makes you? Are you showing your husband how much you cherished his fidelity, and how offended you are by his breaking it?
You need to.
Problem is, some people think that the only way to show your indignation is by divorcing. That’s not true.
One time, early in our marriage, my wife made some comment that indicated to me that my fidelity was not cherished by her. Uggh. That hurt a lot. I didn’t run out and have an affair, but boy, it just made me feel lower than a pile of dog…
S
Sixtus
Guest
Cheating husbands, do you notice how it is us who are at fault?
I do not see any mention of celibate wives or wives who refuse fo consummate their marriage vows yet are the first ones to shout when their husbands fed up with sexual frustration, decide to cheat.
I know, I have been there. Sorry girls but I go with the men every time.
My only regret was to listen to mother church and stick with such an intollerable situation for so long
I do not see any mention of celibate wives or wives who refuse fo consummate their marriage vows yet are the first ones to shout when their husbands fed up with sexual frustration, decide to cheat.
I know, I have been there. Sorry girls but I go with the men every time.
My only regret was to listen to mother church and stick with such an intollerable situation for so long
B
BLB_Oregon
Guest
My only advice is to not make this about her at all. She may be out to get you, she may be a sick woman who needs some help, she may be any number of things. The only thing that is certain is that whatever help she needs cannot come from you and whatever judgement will fall upon her may not come from you.
Let God take care of her for you. Whenever a thought of her comes to your head, turn her over to God, “My God, she is my enemy, but I cannot love her right now, so please, you love her for me…and please, let it be far from me.” Then leave her to God. Honestly, if she tries to call you, end the call with that, “God will have to help you, because I can’t. Goodbye.”
Let your entire attention, rather, be on your husband, yourself, and the relationship between the two of you, and over all, upon God. Get into counselling now, and not just marriage counselling, but counselling to help you keep your head up and your eyes on the long-term prizes. Whatever happens, remember this…it is not and never has been about her. It is about your marriage, about your husband’s integrity, about your faithfulness to him and your vows before God, and always, always, about God’s fidelity in always loving you. God will never forsake you, will never abandon you, and only from God will you ever find the grace to forgive and move on.
B
BLB_Oregon
Guest
You can’t mean this. Frustration is not an excuse for sin, although we all know it is often the reason.
A frustrated husband doesn’t have to cheat. Mother Church allows such a man to have his marriage annulled from a woman whose vows didn’t extend to the marital debt. Certainly Mother Church teaches that the debt is a real one, truly owed to our spouses, and not a favor we can dole out as we see fit.
By the way, if you go with the men every time, you have only made the same mistake you are decrying, in the opposite direction. We cannot read hearts, only know between the actions that are right and wrong. The rest, only God knows.
I suspect that even in your own marriage, the truth was far more complicated than that. I’m very sorry for your loss, and I hope you’ve been able to heal and move on from the injuries you suffered in it, whether they were self-inflicted or came from your wife.
H
havemercy
Guest
With Joseph and Mary, I am praying still.
S
Sixtus
Guest
Mother churhc allows for all sorts of things. But peoples lived experience is very often a lot more messy. A woman who has very few or no friends, such a man may not wish to impose on her more suffering whereby she 'is now standing alone, alcoholic rejected by her last friend who decides to annul.
No, one has to excerise human compassion. Sometimes painful choices have to be made but we do not have the right to hurt someone else just because they hurt us
H
hasikelee
Guest
Have you checked out www.marriagebuilders.com
Dr. Harley mentions that in his practice [of counseling post-adulterous marriages] he finds it very difficult for the marriage to heal and the affair to stop unless the couple actually moves away.
His whole book, “His Needs, Her Needs” is written with the idea of preventing and/or healing from an affair. He writes from a perspective of seeing couples with this issue.
Here is an interesting, paraphrase note from one chapter:
“The husband finds himself in love with both women; he is like a donkey with two bales of hay, trying nibble from each one.”
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