Child needs to get better grades

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I have three daughters. One is in 2nd grade, one is in sixth grade, and one is in high school.

The daughter in sixth grade has recently been doing poorly in school. She failed a test in one class and has been getting a C’s and D’s in other classes. When she brought home the failed test, her father and I told her she would never get into college with grades like those, and if she didn’t do better, she would have to go work at a fast food place in her adult life and barely be able to make ends meet. We also pointed out to her that we are paying a great deal of money to send her to a Catholic school when she could have easily gone to public school. Since she brought home the bad grade, we’ve been trying to help her with her homework, but she just gets an attitude with us. We told her if she didn’t shape up, we would take away all of her toys, cancel a vacation she’s been looking forward to, and take away her pet. None of these things have worked. Any advice?
 
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Bananas said:
None of these things have worked.
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I am sure that there is more to the story here, but just responding to your summary, it sounds like she has had a lot of talking to about consequences and the disapproval of her performance. This is naturally going to engender oppositionality.

I found myself thinking 1) What if her issues are social, and she is experiencing issues with peers that distract her from academics 2) What if this is her way of saying she does not want to go to college because she is not interested in academics? 3) What has happened from her persepctive? Is anyone listening to her point of view? What does she have to say about the changes in her academic performance?

If one does not have a good grasp of the problem, it is not likely that any of these solutions will work. If for some reason she is overwhelmed at school, threats and negative consequences will not be likely to motivate.
 
You seem very punishment-focused. What have you actually done to get to the bottom of why she is getting these grades?

I’m not surprised she is unhappy with you. You’ve basically told her she’s not going to achieve anything in life and that she’s wasting your money. You’ve also told her that material goods are what is important to you by threatening to take away her toys, vacation and pet. But what if she is struggling with the work? Then you have just compounded her thinking and told her there’s no point even trying.

Advice? Ask her why she’s struggling. Listen to her. Stop threatening to take away her things and work on a reward-based system rather than a punishment one.

Ask her what she actually wants out of life. Does she actually want to go to college? Help her plan a way to get to where she wants to be.
 
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No wonder she’s been ‘acting out’. All I have read is that you have threatened her. A child’s pet is sometimes said child’s ‘best friend’ for the time. And you threaten to take it away? Remember, you have a responsibility towards that pet…It was you who allowed the pet to be adopted. Pets are part of your household. Definitely not weapons.
All I can see, from your side, is cruelty. Have you asked if anything is bothering her? Just hugged her?(No reason necessary). And, as to her school work, have you even thought about hiring a tutor? Maybe some intelligent, motivated, slightly older students are willing to help her…and, I think you can afford them, if you can afford a vacation. If this doesn’t help. you could hire a professional. They know they’re business. It’s what they DO!
Also, many prepubescent children, get depressed, and see school as just another thing they ‘have’ to do. Is she having problems with any classmates or teachers? Is she being bullied? Have you asked her? Just from what I’ve read so far, I’d be surprised if she wasn’t depressed!
And, I have checked…you are the poster who ‘helicopters’ your seven year old, telling her who she can and can’t play with. Are you more concerned with what other people think, more than what your children feel? I’m surprised, at this point, that all your children don’t have serious problems.
I’ve come down hard on you…but, frankly, I see no need to apologize. But, getting to the matters at hand…I’ve brought up the option of peer and/or professional tutoring. You may consider changing schools, homeschooling her, temporarily or permanently, Having her see a counselor? Kids this age often just ‘shut down’. Don’t expect it to be easy, but, if she never lives up to your academic standards, you should assure her that you love her. If nothing else, that’s what will raise her quality of life, and, eventually, lift the fog she’s in, now.
 
Are you for real? Sorry but this reads like a troll post.

Did you actually talk to her about why she is doing poorly? She could have dyslexia, a learning disability, an emotional problem, be getting bullied by other students or even a teacher, etc.

Did you meet with her teachers to get their opinion on your child’s level of effort and how she responds in class?

Why would you go straight to yelling at her and threatening to take away all her toys, her vacation and even her pet (how is this the pet’s fault by the way - the pet is a living creature and should be treated as a family responsibility, not as a kid’s possession to be taken away like it was a television set) and then just expect her to shape up or ship out?

Either you are the most unenlightened parent on earth, or you are a fake poster.

P.S. My mother and father got their share of C’s in school; neither of them had a college degree and my mother didn’t even go to college. Somehow, both of them managed to have good lives and a variety of interesting jobs well above the level of fast food. College is not the end-all be-all of existence and it isn’t for everybody. Only a fool thinks otherwise.
 
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Bananas said:
When she brought home the failed test, her father and I told her she would never get into college with grades like those, and if she didn’t do better, she would have to go work at a fast food place in her adult life and barely be able to make ends meet
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Please, for the sake of your children, watch http://www.racetonowhere.com/

Seriously? My nephew is now in his Pediatric Surgery residency, he barely graduated high school!

No college gives a diddly flip what mark you made in 6th grade. I’ve interviewed and hired many people from entry to executive level. Never once have I even thought about their grades.

I’ve made more than 50 trips around the sun and I have yet to meet someone who had high school grades so low that they could not get into college. They might not get early acceptance to Brown, but, they go to college. Your State U, heck, your local Community College, will get anyone the basics they need.

This is your second post where your words make you sound like a snob. You don’t kill Fido because of a D in Geography.

All work is noble, even that of people whom you see as beneath you.
 
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Bananas said:
take away her pet.
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Very bad idea, and emotional blackmail. Will lead to issues . Don’t do it.

You have a child who is about to become, if not already, a rebellious teenager.

Rebellion in teenagers is a normal development stage. Very normal. Don’t turn it into a combat zone.

Also don’t teach her or your other children. , to look down on any job or pay scale. We are Catholic. We serve God, not money.

What is she interested in? What is she good at?
 
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I believe this person is genuine. I believe her and hubby just have quite a struggle with parenting skills.

I also do not think they are in, or from USA, maybe a cultural thing
 
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Some Asian cultures are so much more strict with their children and education. It’s another bar again.
 
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LumineDiei said:
It’s pretty unbelievable and highly unlikely that a physician (having went through medical school in recent years, given the age of his children) would be so ignorant, along with his wife, on appropriate parenting skills and communication techniques.

People of CAF…she is a troll.
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I’m not saying anything she has posted about her parenting skills (or lack there of) is right or good, but I wouldn’t assume she’s a troll just yet. Unfortunately many parents have poor parenting skills and are doing the best they can with what they know how.

Even though the husband has had medical training, oftentimes the subconscious lessons learned from one’s own parents’ way of parenting comes out, often inadvertently.

It’s very possible that the doctor and/or his wife the OP may have been parented this way and now history is repeating itself in their way of parenting. It happens.

If this is the case, calling the OP a troll isn’t going to help her, her husband, or their children. It’s good that she’s here getting at least a little help.

So, if she’s not a troll, @1ke usually has good advice regarding matters like this.
 
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One of the perks of Catholic school for us was the availability of teachers for conferences, meetings to discuss problems and get help.

When the bad grades began, did you meet with a teacher to ask for their take on the situation? Perhaps your child is struggling with material. Or not doing the homework. Or not studying. Or being bullied. Maybe she goofs off in class or cannot work independently.
There are any number of reasons you may not be aware of.

However… Shaming your daughter with losing potential for college when she is 6 th grade is bad parenting. Your job is to help and support her. She may not even have a real concept of college yet because, you know, she is what, 12 years old?

So clearly, whatever you are doing isn’t working.
Taking away things to punish her isn’t going to work. She is not going to make progress in school by taking all of the things she loves at home away.

You need to find ways to motivate her. Inspire her. Reward her her for her progress when it happens. Get her tutoring if she needs it. Ask at school. Our school had high school honor society members tutor middle school kids for free. Take her to a professional if need be, but if this is a new thing with her, it may be a social thing.

The point is, you can’t help if you don’t know what the problem is. And you won’t know if you are too busy punishing her. Get help, clearly, you are unable to do this alone.
 
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For all our children, we placed value on working hard, as the grades follow with this method of rewarding for the work ethic.

Emphasis on grades alone causes stress. Perhaps help with study habits etc can be revisited for your child, and teachers op.

Best wishes.
 
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If she got good grades until now, something is going on now.

Get hearing and vision checked.
Support her study habits–spacious desk, good lighting, quiet environment.
Dial back the threats and punishments for now–you need to get to the bottom of what’s going on, and if you got her overly scared and anxious, she can’t open up to you.
I would actually take the honest approach, sit her down, tell her you love her, that you overreacted and really just want to help her. It’s okay to tell her you’re worried for her, but you really just want to help.
Then be quiet and let her talk.
If she doesn’t talk right away, that’s okay, too. You just remain calm.
Set aside a schedule for study.

I wonder if she’s in a big fight with her friends or something.
 
she is in the 6th grade. when my son was in jr high he struggled. Then his first year of HighSchool he made straight A throughout his highschool years. He college is completed an applied physics degree as a thankful laude. But you know what the call c students in the work force? Boss.
 
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