My mother was an immigrant and she could have written this initial post of yours. And she could have written a post somewhat like your other post to which I responded about your other daughter’s friend. She was always after me to hang out with the “nice” girls…
Anyway, I imagine that a lot of my trouble stemmed from undiagnosed ADD, which was not a thing when I was young. A lot of times, girls with ADD manage all right until the school gets just a little too challenging, beyond what they can manage.
That may not be your daughter’s problem, but she does have a problem. The way you have discussed both your daughters indicates poor communication between you and your children.
Your children are not generic. They come with built-in strengths, weaknesses, talents, and desires. Our job as parents is not to “create” a child capable of having a life which is perfect in the eyes of society, but to help them learn to have a life that is for them worth living.
My mother told me what you tell your daughters. Watch out for what others are thinking of you. Do the right thing materially, and you will be rewarded materially. Regulate your social circle to help you get ahead, and don’t do the wrong thing or DISASTER WILL FALL ON YOU!!!
Can you see what the effect could be on a child? Can you see the nervousness the constant critical pressure would impose? Because even if you don’t say these things, your body, your voice, will reflect them.
My mother told me to hang out with the “nice” girls at school and never asked me what was happening. She did not know I was mocked and otherwise ignored at school, that I didn’t like the “nice” girls because they used the unpopular kids as fodder for their egos, etc.
My mother also never looked to see what the cause was of my difficulties at school. She never addressed my difficulties with organization, nor my nervousness.
Looking at the Montessori method, one sees they break a task into its component parts and teach the children each part. They allow the students to go at their own pace at each part. They reduce the pressure, in part by allowing the student to slow down where she needs to go slowly.
Your daughter’s teacher has a lot of students. Even in a small classroom, there will be 15 students. You or a tutor have time to work with your daughter one on one, and by going through the process in this way with her, see where her difficulty lies, like the Montessori method. But this must be done in a situation where pressure is very reduced or eliminated altogether.
To be honest, I ended up going to a counselor myself, and wish I had done so sooner. The problem with raising children is that it is not something that has a quick learning curve! When we had big families everywhere, people learned a lot about “parenting” through involvement with siblings, siblings of friends, nieces and nephews, etc. Now things are very regimented and this is difficult to pick up. We raise our children and in the end we can see where we went wrong, especially with the older ones. I would suggest that you yourself go to a counselor because you yourself yourself seem very nervous about many things.
