Child needs to get better grades

[ColorMomma]

Never promise anything you won’t actually follow-through on. I recommend finding a good family counselor. There is also a program called Love and Logic. It is very helpful in providing tools for frustrated parents. Lead with empathy and always demonstrate real caring.

Our children are young for just a short time. You want a loving and healthy relationship with your daughter beyond her schooling years. Build this relationship now before she is independent and can choose whether or not to spend time with you.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Have you watched the documentary I mentioned?

I will put it again here, you can find it on Netflix or other services http://www.racetonowhere.com/ There is a follow up as well. Watch this. LISTEN to the kids in this documentary.

 

[Lou2U]

It’s obvious you prioritize academics, OP. It’s no surprise your daughter is rebelling against your priorities - that’s what teenagers do. What matters is how you respond to it. Don’t do it by taking away everything she loves in her life, because it’ll backfire massively, and don’t do it by threatening she’ll lose a future you don’t even know she wants.

 

[TheLittleLady]

In reality, by the time today’s 12 year old is out on her own, chances are the US will finally have a grasp on the issue of healthcare. The solution to healthcare is not “spend $100K+ on a college degree”. My spouse has a college degree, it actually HINDERED him in getting a decent job. I know many, many people with Masters who are working “lowly” retail or other service jobs.

 

[Mi_Rose]

My family is full of people with advanced degrees. They did not get them because they had things taken away when their teenage rebellion caused bad grades. They got them to advance in a field they already loved.

 

[JanetF]

Good paying jobs with medical benefits require at least a bachelors degree. Preferably a masters degree since almost everyone has a bachelors. We have been collecting college funds for our children since they were born. It never crossed our minds that our children would not go to college. In fact, that is one of our greatest fears

Vocational jobs are actually very well-paying, so I wouldn’t pidgeon hole your child into only a college degree. With the aging Baby boomer population the vo-tech fields are experiencing a shortage. For example, Welders make $30/hour or more.

Having said that, if your child is suddenly having issues with her grades, I would investigate why before putting on the blame on her. Is she having social issues? Does she understand the concepts being taught. Have you thought of engaging a tutor? Instead of heaping the pressure on her, get to the bottom of the issue. Chances are this is just typical middle school struggles as new concepts are being taught at lightning speed. I would cease with the threats until you get to the bottom of why she is struggling. If all the teacher told you was that she needs to practice, then I would make sure she understands the concepts otherwise all the practicing in the world is just going to frustrate her.

If the teacher doesn’t have any other ideas, you might ask to speak to the school’s guidance counselor.

 

[Mi_Rose]

It seems a family counselor might be a good idea.

 

[Legend]

I see that the OP has resurrected this thread, too. I answered the other, saying that I hope she is a troll. If not, have you only n interest in ‘better grades’? Or, do you want hr ti learn? She may be doing so , simply taking care of her fish. She knows, or will have to learn, what to feed her fish, what kinds of fish get long with each other (or not)…lots of things! Now is not the time to talk about college…she hasn’t been o high school yet!
Did you tell her which kids to be friends with, like with your younger child? If so, her depression has probably been growing since then, and what you see as attitude, may very well be clinical depression! I hope tht professionals are soon involved, in both cases…you don’t seem to even want to help your kids!

 

[Pup7]

Are you for real? Sorry but this reads like a troll post.

Did you actually talk to her about why she is doing poorly? She could have dyslexia, a learning disability, an emotional problem, be getting bullied by other students or even a teacher, etc.

Did you meet with her teachers to get their opinion on your child’s level of effort and how she responds in class?

Why would you go straight to yelling at her and threatening to take away all her toys, her vacation and even her pet (how is this the pet’s fault by the way - the pet is a living creature and should be treated as a family responsibility, not as a kid’s possession to be taken away like it was a television set) and then just expect her to shape up or ship out?

Either you are the most unenlightened parent on earth, or you are a fake poster.

P.S. My mother and father got their share of C’s in school; neither of them had a college degree and my mother didn’t even go to college. Somehow, both of them managed to have good lives and a variety of interesting jobs well above the level of fast food. College is not the end-all be-all of existence and it isn’t for everybody. Only a fool thinks otherwise.

Wanted to add something even simpler:

She could need an eye exam. Seriously. Sometimes kids can’t see the board because it’s blurry and they’re too embarrassed to say so. Saw it in Pediatrics all the time. You’d be amazed at how simple this stuff sometimes is.

 

[Pup7]

I also live in the states, and the job shortage is in the skilled trades. Nursing

We’re not a “skilled trade” in 2018, and the shortage is somewhat artificial. I know many new grads who cannot get jobs. And if you don’t have a BSN, it’s even harder. We’re college graduates, whether we’re Associate Degree RNs or BSNs or MSNs.

Sorry, but that bugged me.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I know not a small number of nurses who can only find low-paying jobs. It is sad, but, healthcare has become a business. They would rather overwork a couple of professionals and hire part time minimum wage techs to fill in around.

 

[Pup7]

Skilled trades are not lower than professionals. Nursing is taught in skilled trade schools, hope that makes sense.

Registered nursing - RN - is not taught in skilled trade schools. It is taught at colleges and universities (there are very, very few hospital based, diploma schools of nursing anymore - but they’re not trade schools either, and nearly all of them are degree-granting now in conjunction with a local college).

LVN courses are at trade schools, but most nurses aren’t LVNs. And when people hear the word “nurse”, they are thinking of RNs, not LPN/LVNs. There is a huge difference, and it actually is somewhat relevant to the thread. LVNs have a very hard time finding jobs because most hospitals are doing away with them. So I personally wouldn’t recommend someone pursuing an LVN straight out of high school.

 

[QwertyGirl]

She is proficient at music. We tell her we are proud of her for that. However, we also told her she would have to quit music (and any other extracurricular activities) if her grades don’t improve.

I was a bright, stubborn kid with ideas and a mind of my own. If you pulled that on me when I was your daughter’s age, here is how it would have gone down: I would have ignored my studies even more, I would have looked to friends for the loving “feel goods” a kid should be able to expect from her family, and I would have quit my music just to spite my parents. Not good.

Here is what I would have responded positively to, in the way my parents would have wanted: Open conversation adult-to-adult style. Natural consequences. Encouragement. Opportunities to talk to adults about their career choices and how they got there. Some sort of a non-parental mentorship, perhaps with a college student who is close to the family. New, exciting, positive responsibilities such as planning a family activity or an after school job of some sort. Any kind of activity that would allow me to take pride in my own accomplishments (as opposed to my parents taking on the pride for what I did) would have been good. That is the carrot and the stick. Set your kid up for success so they get a taste of what it feels like to succeed at something they “own”. There is no substitute for it. They will seek more opportunity that way, the more they feel good about what they are doing.

 

[guanophore]

She acts sullenly and disinterested in her schoolwork. When we ask her to study or do her homework she gets an attitude with us.

This is an emotional block. Her emotions and behavior are trying to communicate something.

I’m just afraid she won’t get a good paying job if she doesn’t go to college.

This is an assumption about your daughter’s vocation, which is really not fair to make. What is she is called to be a member of a religious community, and does not have a 'good paying job"? What if she is called to be a stay home mom and does not get a “paycheck”?

College does not guarantee a good paycheck, and nowadays, some people make more not going to a traditional four year college.

She will struggle to make ends meet and not have a good life if she doesn’t go to college.

This is an inaccurate assumption that you are putting on your daughter, and punishing her for not living up to such an unrealistic expectation.

The truth is that she is not having a good life NOW because you are not LISTENING to her and supporting her in her frustrations. You don’t even know if your daughter will even be alive when she reaches college age, and you are making her miserable now, based on your expectations of what will happen in ten years!

I don’t see how going to college would be a bad thing.

It is not, and no one here is saying it is. What is a “bad thing” is your threats and pressure toward her about it in the here and now.

We just want her to have a degree to fall back on.

Have you considered that what you “want” for her may not be the same as God’s plan for her life?

Have you considered that having a college degree is not necessarily some thing that anyone can “fall back on”? Have you considered nurturing her relationship with Jesus foremost, so that she really knows Who she needs to “fall back on”?

It can’t hurt to have a college degree.

Actually , it can. It leaves some people in a great deal of debt who had no business working on a college degree in the first place.

 

[redbetta]

Not to mention, if she does discern a religious vocation, some orders might not accept her because of her college debt.

 

[guanophore]

My parents are European and college was very important to them.

This is good, and it is good to instill the value of education in your children, but this is not done by making their current experience even more miserable!

The teacher said she needs to study and practice. That was all the advice she had.

That means she is not seeing anything in the classroom that would indicate a reason she is falling behind.

Study and practice works best with support and enthusiasm from parents, not threats and disapproval. Have you considered sitting with her to do homework and saying /doing nothing but giving compliments? By this time she probably feels so discouraged and frustrated she does not even want to sit with you.

Good paying jobs with medical benefits require at least a bachelors degree.

This is a false statement.

Preferably a masters degree since almost everyone has a bachelors.

This is a false statement.

We have been collecting college funds for our children since they were born. It never crossed our minds that our children would not go to college. In fact, that is one of our greatest fears.

Now might be a good time to let it cross your mind.

She doesn’t think this. She thinks it’s a possibility. We said that to get her to realize the seriousness of the situation.

Threatening to take away things of value to her is not as effective as offering positive reinforcements.

Yes, we have. It has not worked. She just gets an attitude. That is when we had to come down harder.

Her “attitude” is trying to communicate something. You are missing the point.

We tell her we are proud of her for that. However, we also told her she would have to quit music (and any other extracurricular activities) if her grades don’t improve.

Do you know why her grades have dropped? Do you think it is because of “attitude”? If you are unable to listen to her, maybe you need to get her a counselor where she can express herself honestly? She is not going to tell you anything if she thinks you already don’t want to hear it because it does not fit within your rigid expectations of how her life is supposed to turn out.

Perhaps, but she must prepare for the possibility that she won’t get married.

And you think that threats and disapproval will prepare her best? Is this the kind of spouse you expect for her?

Encouraging college is wonderful. Acting as if a young child has ruined her career at 12 is nonsense. You probably already know this though.

No, I think if the OP knew this, she would not be threatening and punishing the child.

 

[Flor]

If you are a legitimate Poster, my advice is : Help her with her homework. Monitor her school assignments and make sure her work is done each night before she gets to play or do fun kid stuff. Old fashioned parenting. It’s not that hard, and it’s your job. No drama, no reaction to ‘attitude’ - work done, praise and play time. Work not done, oh well no play time.
If she is kept back a grade , it could end up being a good thing. If the problem is not just Adolescent laziness, really it could be she is not ready for the grade she’s in. Children develop at different rates, and are placed in a school system that expects them to all be the same. There is no shame in being ready when she is ready.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

TheLittleLady:

All work is noble, even that of people whom you see as beneath you.

I don’t see people who didn’t go to college as beneath me. I’m just afraid she won’t get a good paying job if she doesn’t go to college. She will struggle to make ends meet and not have a good life if she doesn’t go to college.

LOL this isn’t even true. Trades are very big right now. My cousin has a hair salon and while she works odd hours and has more uncertinty she’s bringing home around 70k annually in a LCOL area.

 

[lilypadrees]

Take away her pet? For what reason? How is taking your child’s pet going to make your child’s grades improve?

And don’t go knocking fast food employees. It’s honest work. And if it weren’t for people being willing to work in the fast food industry, you wouldn’t be able to get your daily crave of Mickey D’s, KFC, Captain D’s or any other you may like.

From reading your posts, your children are going through the usual growing up phases. The one who needs educating is you.

 

[angelic06]

Disclaimer: I am not a parent.

I am not going to get into all this skilled trades vs. professions business (and for the record, I am university-educated), but is there anyway you can integrate her interests (such as the aquarium or music) into practice excercises? Music relates to many things academically, including mathematics (I don’t know what classes your daughter has issues with, so I am just saying this as a general reference), and you could also use the aquarium as a means to teach many things (for example, “We have six fish. We divide them into two groups. Devise an algebraic equation where we find out how many fish are in each group”). Perhaps cutting away trips or things might not be the best thing; on the contrary, it could be used to reinvigorate her interest in academics.