Child needs to get better grades

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For crying out loud, this is even more outrageous than the other thread! You threatened to take away her pet? What are you going to do with this pet? Take it out back and shoot it? You can’t be serious!

First of all, if a child has suddenly gone from good grades to bad grades, you’ve got to figure out why. If she is struggling socially, you need to help her with that. If she isn’t sleeping well or her other physical needs aren’t being met, you need to deal with that. If the coursework is getting harder for her and she can’t keep up, you need to figure out what’s going on. Does she need help with organization and time management? Is it the material that has gotten harder? Good students don’t usually randomly decide to be lazy. Your job as a parent is to figure out what has caused this change, not try to threaten it away.

Now if your child has always struggled as a student and is just checking out, then you need to assist with organization and provide reasonable consequences that you can and will actually enforce and don’t involve an innocent animal. If you want to use the vacation as collateral, then that’s okay, but I recommend that it not be based on grades as much as behavior. For example, if you have any more missing assignments before the end of the term, you will not be allowed to go on the vacation. OR, if you want to go on the vacation, you need to spend at least an hour a day doing your homework, studying, or just reading.

Harping about getting into college isn’t going to do much for a 12yo. They can’t really process the possible consequences six years in the future.
 
The pet is an aquarium of fish. She loves them, calls them by name, and gives gifts to them. We are afraid this is distracting her from her schoolwork and so it may need to go away if her grades don’t improve. We didn’t really think through how to get rid of the aquarium, we just told her that would happen if her grades didn’t get better.

She acts sullenly and disinterested in her schoolwork. When we ask her to study or do her homework she gets an attitude with us.
 
TheLittleLady said:
All work is noble, even that of people whom you see as beneath you.
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I don’t see people who didn’t go to college as beneath me. I’m just afraid she won’t get a good paying job if she doesn’t go to college. She will struggle to make ends meet and not have a good life if she doesn’t go to college.
 
Dacinom said:
First, as a Catholic parent you should not be telling your children 100% to plan for college.

Your children should be praying to listen to God’s voice, to His plan for their lives. That may be college, a vocation, trade school, marriage or volunteer work. Your children belong to God first.
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I don’t see how going to college would be a bad thing. She can still pursue a vocation, marriage, volunteer work, etc. and also go to college. We just want her to have a degree to fall back on. It can’t hurt to have a college degree.
 
Bananas said:
I don’t see how going to college would be a bad thing. She can still pursue a vocation, marriage, volunteer work, etc. and also go to college. We just want her to have a degree to fall back on. It can’t hurt to have a college degree.
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Does she want to go to college, though? It’s up to her to decide, not you.

What have you done to find out why she is struggling? Have you tried to speak to her calmly instead of punishing her and telling her she is wasting your money?
 
Bananas said:
The pet is an aquarium of fish. She loves them, calls them by name, and gives gifts to them. We are afraid this is distracting her from her schoolwork and so it may need to go away if her grades don’t improve. We didn’t really think through how to get rid of the aquarium, we just told her that would happen if her grades didn’t get better.

She acts sullenly and disinterested in her schoolwork. When we ask her to study or do her homework she gets an attitude with us.
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Seriously, you will create an unimaginable issue if you take this aquarium. Did you realise all the benefits of an aquarium, how calming it is?

The aquarium is not the cause of her bad grades. But threatening to take it, or taking it will be a cause.
And you have made the threat. It’s going to end badly.

You think she is sullen and disinterested now, just watch how she reacts to this threat of her parents.

Has anyone ever taken away something you loved?
 
OP, I don’t mean this in a way that will offend you, but you don’t seem to know a lot about the situation.
You think that the aquarium is distracting her. You think she needs to go to college to get a good job.

What you are doing is pushing her away from you. Instead of talking to her and trying to get to the root of the issue, you’ve punished her and threatened her and told her she’s ungrateful. You’re planning her future for her and getting cross that she won’t fall into line. But it’s her future - so if she doesn’t want to go to college, help her work out what she wants to do. It really isn’t the be all and end all. Actually sit down and talk to her - and listen! - to what she says. Toss your plans out the window and let her make her own.

Also, spend time with her that isn’t nagging her to do homework. She probably feels it’s all she ever hears. And consider what if she is struggling because she’s not understanding the work - then you’ve made a massive problem by telling her she isn’t good enough because if she’s doing all she can and still won’t meet your expectations, what’s the point in trying? Her attitude is probably partly because you’ve come down so hard on her, and maybe it’s a cover for her not understanding. You are her parent, you have to work this out.

Lastly, don’t make threats you can’t keep. If she knows there’s no way you’re taking her fish, she’s not going to respond to it other than to get angry.
 
Bananas said:
When we ask her to study or do her homework she gets an attitude with us.
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That’s just something you have to deal with. She is a child. Ask her what she needs help with. Get her a desk for her room and a light, a special place to work.

You never answered whether you spoke to her teacher or not about what the problem might be or how to actually help your daughter.
 
Has she had her eyes checked by an opthomologist lately? Kids eyes change as they grow. Maybe near or far vision has gotten hard for her.
That was just a suggestion. Your job is to love your kid and help her be the best version of herself she can be not focussing on just one aspect of her life like schoolwork but all the wonderful gifts God has given her.
 
Irishmom2 said:
You never answered whether you spoke to her teacher or not about what the problem might be or how to actually help your daughter.
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I spoke with her teacher. The teacher said she needs to study and practice. That was all the advice she had.
 
Lou2U said:
Does she want to go to college, though? It’s up to her to decide, not you.
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May I ask what part of the world you are from? Are you in the United States? If not, perhaps you are not aware of the economic dynamics here in America?

Good paying jobs with medical benefits require at least a bachelors degree. Preferably a masters degree since almost everyone has a bachelors. We have been collecting college funds for our children since they were born. It never crossed our minds that our children would not go to college. In fact, that is one of our greatest fears.
 
Lou2U said:
If she knows there’s no way you’re taking her fish, she’s not going to respond to it other than to get angry.
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She doesn’t think this. She thinks it’s a possibility. We said that to get her to realize the seriousness of the situation.
 
I’m in the UK.

But as I say, college is not the only way to be successful and get a good job. And you are pushing your daughter to fit your plans without considering what it is she wants to do. Let her plan for her own life and certainly don’t tell her she is a failure if she doesn’t go.
 
Lou2U said:
Have you tried to speak to her calmly instead of punishing her and telling her she is wasting your money?
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Yes, we have. It has not worked. She just gets an attitude. That is when we had to come down harder.
 
Mi_Rose said:
Has she had her eyes checked by an opthomologist lately? Kids eyes change as they grow. Maybe near or far vision has gotten hard for her.
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She’s had her eyes checked recently. 20/20 vision.
Mi_Rose said:
Your job is to love your kid and help her be the best version of herself she can be not focussing on just one aspect of her life like schoolwork but all the wonderful gifts God has given her.
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She is proficient at music. We tell her we are proud of her for that. However, we also told her she would have to quit music (and any other extracurricular activities) if her grades don’t improve.
 
Is she struggling, though? That could be the root cause, or it could be a typical teenager who thinks you’re being too hard and it’s no big deal.

I think you need to switch from threatening punishments to offering rewards. That will make her far less against doing work she needs to do. And if she does choose to go to college, she will be able to balance her work-fun time much better because she will be able to motivate herself instead of needing you to push her.

And remember she can’t work all the time. A bit of downtime, or some time practicing music will put her in a much better mood to work.
 
A college degree does not come with a guarantee of any salary or job for that matter! The exception would be maybe going on to med school, however, most young physicians carry so much college debt that they struggle to make ends meet.

In our current economy the best guarantee of income is to learn a trade. Be a plumber or an electrician or a welder or a carpenter.
 
You do know that music helps with math skills and higher learning though, right?
Education is deeply valued in my family but if a child’s gift is not academic parents have to adjust their expectations. My brother was doing poorly in school had all kinds of tests and was found to have a genius IQ. His passion is working with his hands though. He is also gifted in that way. So that is what he does.
You do know that only one spouse needs health benefits and entrepreneurs are highly regarded I am sure.
 
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