Children leaving the faith.... a Dad's dilemma

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upbeatjonm

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My 19 year old son just said that he is not attending church today, and doesn’t want to anymore. I tried convincing him of the importance of staying. He can’t be convinced. This is just heartbreaking to me.

I have two daughters who did the same basic thing. I have an 18 year old son and a 12 year old son, and a wife who still attend.
My faith is very important to me, and the fact that my 3 oldest children have all fallen away, is tearing me up.

I feel like a failure as a father.
What have others done in this situation?😦

Jon
 
upbeatjonm said:
My 19 year old son just said that he is not attending church today, and doesn’t want to anymore. I tried convincing him of the importance of staying. He can’t be convinced. This is just heartbreaking to me.

I have two daughters who did the same basic thing. I have an 18 year old son and a 12 year old son, and a wife who still attend.
My faith is very important to me, and the fact that my 3 oldest children have all fallen away, is tearing me up.

I feel like a failure as a father.
What have others done in this situation?😦

Jon
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It’s one of the hard things about parenting, Jon. We bring our children up, impart values to them, take them to church, give them all that we feel they need to make a life for themselves in this world. Then we have to let them go into the world and make that life for themselves. At this point they may embrace all or a lot of what we have taught them, or they may reject part or everything. That does not make you a failure. It is their choice. Keep praying for them, your prayers will be heard. The most surprising things bring young adults back to the church.

May you have peace and confidence in your fatherhood and parenting of these young people.
 
Fast and pray for your family. Google E5 Men and you will find a great plan to follow.

Have you talked to them, asked them WHY? Keep the dialog open.

You might pick up a copy of Weigel’s books “Letters to a Young Catholic” and “The Truth of Catholicism” to read and then pass on to your children.

Another book suggestion, Madrid’s “Search and Rescue”.

Your younger kids, work to see that they have God as #1. Sports, school, friends, these are all to take place behind God and the Church.

When I was a kid, if we had to decide between a sports event or youth group, we were at youth group. There was no questions. Today I see so many families put soccer practice in front of religious activities.

Continue to make sure that CCD, Youth Ministry, family involvement are first in your family. Send the kids on good solid retreats. Take them to Adoration, get Catholic radio and TV in your home. Surround them in a world of Faith.

One more book (can you tell, I am a reader?) - “Converting the Baptized”. The author’s name escapes me, but, you can find it used on Amazon.
 
Eucharisted said:
Remember your children at the Altar.
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I understand the importance of prayer. At the bottom of your log, it has a quote from St. Margaret Mary, that just so happens to be the parish we belong to! That quote from her is actually appropriate to my situation. Thanks.
 
VivienneJ said:
It’s one of the hard things about parenting, Jon. We bring our children up, impart values to them, take them to church, give them all that we feel they need to make a life for themselves in this world. Then we have to let them go into the world and make that life for themselves. At this point they may embrace all or a lot of what we have taught them, or they may reject part or everything. That does not make you a failure. It is their choice. Keep praying for them, your prayers will be heard. The most surprising things bring young adults back to the church.

May you have peace and confidence in your fatherhood and parenting of these young people.
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I do understand this, but it tears me up none-the-less. Thanks for the advice.
 
kage_ar said:
Fast and pray for your family. Google E5 Men and you will find a great plan to follow.

Have you talked to them, asked them WHY? Keep the dialog open.

You might pick up a copy of Weigel’s books “Letters to a Young Catholic” and “The Truth of Catholicism” to read and then pass on to your children.

Another book suggestion, Madrid’s “Search and Rescue”.

Your younger kids, work to see that they have God as #1. Sports, school, friends, these are all to take place behind God and the Church.

When I was a kid, if we had to decide between a sports event or youth group, we were at youth group. There was no questions. Today I see so many families put soccer practice in front of religious activities.

Continue to make sure that CCD, Youth Ministry, family involvement are first in your family. Send the kids on good solid retreats. Take them to Adoration, get Catholic radio and TV in your home. Surround them in a world of Faith.

One more book (can you tell, I am a reader?) - “Converting the Baptized”. The author’s name escapes me, but, you can find it used on Amazon.
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I haven’t heard of E5 Men, I will give a look. Thanks for your suggestions. I also love to read, especially spiritual books.
 
kage_ar said:
Fast and pray for your family. Google E5 Men and you will find a great plan to follow.

Have you talked to them, asked them WHY? Keep the dialog open.

You might pick up a copy of Weigel’s books “Letters to a Young Catholic” and “The Truth of Catholicism” to read and then pass on to your children.

Another book suggestion, Madrid’s “Search and Rescue”.

Your younger kids, work to see that they have God as #1. Sports, school, friends, these are all to take place behind God and the Church.

When I was a kid, if we had to decide between a sports event or youth group, we were at youth group. There was no questions. Today I see so many families put soccer practice in front of religious activities.

Continue to make sure that CCD, Youth Ministry, family involvement are first in your family. Send the kids on good solid retreats. Take them to Adoration, get Catholic radio and TV in your home. Surround them in a world of Faith.

One more book (can you tell, I am a reader?) - “Converting the Baptized”. The author’s name escapes me, but, you can find it used on Amazon.
Click to expand...
I just looked at the E5 men group. This looks very interesting. Oriented towards one’s wife, not children, but I imagine the concepts can apply to both. Thanks.
 
Sir, don’t let it effect you as a father! I am a young man who went through many different questioning phases an rebellion phases while I was growing up, and even more from age 18-23ish!

I talked about it with my father recently, and he said that, while he was dissapointed, he knew he did the best he could to try and (name removed by moderator)art a strong faith in me. He also knew that he taught me to think for myself, and figure it out on my own.

With confidence that the Church is the truth, and that your children are seeking such, it’s going to be just fine. Sometimes we don’t know the glory until we turn away from it for a bit.
 
Hi Jon,

I feel for you. I am going through a similar situation with my daughter. I think the best I can do is leave the decision to her and just live by example. I tuly believe there will be a time when she starts to seek answers from me and hopefully I’ll have the wisdom to give her the answers she’s looking for. Have faith you have not done anything wrong. Teens are teens and I remember that I was just as hard headed and had to find things out for myself. When I did find out it was, of course, just what my Dad told me. 🙂

God Bless,
Mickey
 
Rascalking said:
Sir, don’t let it effect you as a father! I am a young man who went through many different questioning phases an rebellion phases while I was growing up, and even more from age 18-23ish!

I talked about it with my father recently, and he said that, while he was dissapointed, he knew he did the best he could to try and (name removed by moderator)art a strong faith in me. He also knew that he taught me to think for myself, and figure it out on my own.

With confidence that the Church is the truth, and that your children are seeking such, it’s going to be just fine. Sometimes we don’t know the glory until we turn away from it for a bit.
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Rascalking, thanks. My mind understands what you are saying. My heart still hurts. As a father, who witnessed the birth of a son, receiving into the world a near perfect and innocent being, a gift from God, proceeded to (name removed by moderator)art what he could to that son, then see the son reject the teaching, leaves me anguished. I know it will pass, and I have to pray more, and trust God. God saves, not me.
 
mickey94558 said:
Hi Jon,

I feel for you. I am going through a similar situation with my daughter. I think the best I can do is leave the decision to her and just live by example. I tuly believe there will be a time when she starts to seek answers from me and hopefully I’ll have the wisdom to give her the answers she’s looking for. Have faith you have not done anything wrong. Teens are teens and I remember that I was just as hard headed and had to find things out for myself. When I did find out it was, of course, just what my Dad told me. 🙂

God Bless,
Mickey
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Mickey, I understand and appreciate your thoughts. This may be God’s way of teaching me to trust in Him, and not myself. I have to rely upon God.
 
No advice… just sympathy. I worry about my kids falling away from the Faith after we have worked so hard to give them what we see as such an important gift, and really a requirement for any chance at happiness and peace in life.

My faith was taken from me as a young child by my parents’ divorce and many of the circumstances that went with it. I never forgot it, and God nagged me quite a few times, but it took me until adulthood’s door to really get back into it. And a good enough reason… the man I wanted to spend my life with told me that if we didn’t get married in the Church, we would not get married at all. It was just the kick in the butt I needed, and I had reached an age where I could not blame anyone else anymore for not going to church.

I am so much happier and more at peace since I returned and really claimed my faith. And it scares the hell out of me to think of my kids possibly just throwing it away, not realizing its true importance.

So I understand why this upsets you so. Take comfort though, in the fact that most people, as they get older and have kids and such, usually return to their roots. So while your kids might say they don’t care now, the likelihood is that, at some point, they will reclaim their faith.
 
Mermaid_Mama said:
No advice… just sympathy. I worry about my kids falling away from the Faith after we have worked so hard to give them what we see as such an important gift, and really a requirement for any chance at happiness and peace in life.

My faith was taken from me as a young child by my parents’ divorce and many of the circumstances that went with it. I never forgot it, and God nagged me quite a few times, but it took me until adulthood’s door to really get back into it. And a good enough reason… the man I wanted to spend my life with told me that if we didn’t get married in the Church, we would not get married at all. It was just the kick in the butt I needed, and I had reached an age where I could not blame anyone else anymore for not going to church.

I am so much happier and more at peace since I returned and really claimed my faith. And it scares the hell out of me to think of my kids possibly just throwing it away, not realizing its true importance.

So I understand why this upsets you so. Take comfort though, in the fact that most people, as they get older and have kids and such, usually return to their roots. So while your kids might say they don’t care now, the likelihood is that, at some point, they will reclaim their faith.
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Thanks for the reply. I know that they may return. I somehow feel responsible though, like I was put in charge of the sheep, and let them slip away. I know that God ultimately is the one who saves, not me. I pray that He will not hold me responsible.
 
My 3 kids are going through the same loss in faith. I pray and worry about them all the time. There really is not much you can do. I recently bought green scapulars for all of them. Supposedly. Our Lady will help bring them home to the faith even IF they do not have them or wear them.

At some point our kids have to make decisions and live their own lives. I hope they all make the right choices and return to the faith.

My oldest is now an avowed atheist/socialist. We have small discusions once in a while and I send them all a Christmas and Easter message. For a while they were at least attending mass once or twice a year. Now they don’t even do that.

I envy the folks who have grown kids who never left the faith. I don’t know how they accomplished that. When I was young I also was a lapsed Catholic for about 10 years. I eventually came back but it was a long journey that I took on my own. I’m not even certain how I came around to going back to Church. I suppose our kids have to make that trek on their own as well.

I’ll pray for your kids as well as my own, and for all those who are lost and looking to find their way back home. God bless you and your family.
 
As a cradle Catholic, I will admit that I am sometimes jealous of people who have converted rather than been brought up as Catholic/Christian…
I’m 18, and I would draw a sort of analogy… In any sort of race, it is almost always more difficult to maintain a lead than it is to gain the lead later and ultimately come out on top. (Note that I’m not calling our faith a race or a competition… this is just an abstract kind of illustration.) In the same way, I feel as though it is difficult for me to maintain an intense and devout faith (I won’t get into my exact struggles at this time) whereas I have multiple friends who have recently (in the past few years) become Christians, and their faith is absolutely on fire. They often seem so confident of their faith when mine is lacking.

I would suggest that your son may be going through something similar. He has been Catholic all of his life, and at the moment he is probably seeking some sort of change. Unfortunately sometimes we see the change as putting less into our faith rather than putting more into it.

I’ll say a prayer for you and your family, and know that in time, you may just have a prodigal son… You just need to be open to discussion and avoid trying to force your beliefs upon him. Certainly bring up church and his faith when the opportunity presents itself. (I know I wish my parents had continued discussing my faith with me in my teen years…)
 
I can’t offer you any advice on this from a parenting standpoint since my oldest is only 7, but I can tell you that my husband went to Mass every week from infancy until he was 17 1/2. He stopped going because he didn’t like that he was “forced” to go to Mass. He didn’t go back until he was 21 and engaged to be married. He went to Mass every week for about 18 months, fell away for several more years (because he didn’t feel like going–this frustrates me) and is now at Mass most weeks. So don’t lose hope that your older kids won’t come back to the church.
 
You pray for me, and I’ll pray for you. My son was about the same age when he decided he wouldn’t go anymore. My priest told me I was perfectly within my rights (and responsibilities) as a parent to expect him to attend mass with the rest of the family while he was living at home. I didn’t rant at him or anything. I just stated that I expected him to go with us until such a time as he was independent of us. He is 25 now, and I’m still praying–and hopeful. He goes to mass with us (without complaining) when he comes home for visits–but he doesn’t go otherwise. I am hoping when he has a family of his own he will return to the Faith–if not sooner. Until then, I do a lot of praying like St. Monica did for her son.
 
I went away from the Catholic faith for over ten years mainly during high school. I was in a non Catholic school but returned after going to a Catholic college. The foundation I had received in the earlier years was sufficient to bring me back and I hope the same for your son. Will say a pray that he finds his way back home.
 
upbeatjonm said:
My 19 year old son just said that he is not attending church today, and doesn’t want to anymore. I tried convincing him of the importance of staying. He can’t be convinced. This is just heartbreaking to me.

I have two daughters who did the same basic thing. I have an 18 year old son and a 12 year old son, and a wife who still attend.
My faith is very important to me, and the fact that my 3 oldest children have all fallen away, is tearing me up.

I feel like a failure as a father.
What have others done in this situation?😦

Jon
Click to expand...
My son, who was once an altar boy, did the exact same thing. One Sunday after Mass, he said, “Dad, I hate to say this, but I don’t think I believe in God.” After that, he gradually became a convinced atheist, and even said he thought Jesus was crazy. A huge part of our relationship died after that.
 
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