cohabitation, the new norm?

[epostle]

The sharp increase in premarital cohabitation is one of the most fundamental social changes in Western countries today. Between 1960 and 2004, the number of unmarried couples living together in the United States increased tenfold from less than 500,000 to more than 5 million. Cohabitation has become, even for Catholics, more and more a conventional and socially endorsed reality.

The most recent and respected marriage research identifies two kinds of cohabitors: those who are not committed to marriage, whom we name “non-nuptial cohabitors,” and those already committed to marriage, perhaps even engaged, whom we name “nuptial cohabitors.”
Although only non-nuptial cohabitation is linked to an increased likelihood of divorce after marriage, the fact that many Catholics believe otherwise leaves current pastoral responses to cohabiting couples both uninformed and outdated. It also raises questions about church documents based on old research and the pastoral approaches they recommend. Church documents continue to lump all cohabitors together, focus narrowly on the sexual dimension of relationships, and ignore the variety and complexity of the intentions, situations, and meanings couples give to cohabitation and its morality.

Given the current research that demonstrates that not all cohabitors are alike, we propose the re-introduction of an ancient ritual of betrothal for nuptial cohabitors, followed by intensive marriage preparation in the Catholic pastoral tradition.
A betrothal proposal

 

[Pug]

I think this would become clearer with a comma:

Oh man! That helps immensely! So, is it supposed to have a comma in it or not? The computer version that I read doesn’t have one.

 

[Pug]

The most recent and respected marriage research identifies two kinds of cohabitors: those who are not committed to marriage, whom we name “non-nuptial cohabitors,” and those already committed to marriage, perhaps even engaged, whom we name “nuptial cohabitors.”
Although only non-nuptial cohabitation is linked to an increased likelihood of divorce after marriage,

US Catholic Magazine does not provide documentation of this claim. Does anyone know if it is true? Does anyone know what this unnamed “respected marriage research” is?

 

[Norseman82]

Forgive me for this but a previous post has finally allowed me to catch a flaw in the catechism. It states that everyone is called to marriage. This would go against Jesus teaching that soem are called to celibacy, and not just the religious.

Maybe the flaw is not in the CCC itself, but rather in your personal interpretation of what Jesus said?

Besides, if you read what Jesus said as posted in the CCC:

“For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to receive this, let him receive it.”

and the NAB 1970 translation which says “freely renounce sex” as opposed to “made themselves eunuchs”, you will see the pattern “freely choose”. And also note what Jesus said about “he who is able to receive this, let him receive it” (my 1970 NAB also states that :not everyonme can accept this teaching").

As Pug said in her interpretation of CCC 1603, it is our natural vocation. Some, like me, have used the word “default”, but I might change that to “natural” now. The reason I harp on this point is that too many people today have a flawed sense of discernment. They think that one is “vocationless” until they officially get a “sign in the sky” and that you cannot get married until you receive that “sign in the sky”. If instead we read the CCC and see that marriage is our natural vocation, start from there, and then see that when you discern properly you are discerning between two good things, then one can properly see what is meant when it is said that the celibate vocations are a “higher calling”. That

That being said, how can anyone justify letting people stay in cohabitation on the basis that they are not “called to marriage”? If they are already living as husband and wife, does not that indicate that they have the vocation and that the response is warped by sin? This could be a very powerful evangelization point for pastors and others dealing with such situations.

 

[Norseman82]

US Catholic Magazine does not provide documentation of this claim. Does anyone know if it is true? Does anyone know what this unnamed “respected marriage research” is?

Not only that, I want to find out more about this claim about how prior to Trent cohabitation was considered part of the betrothal process. Something doesn’t seem kosher here…

 

[JimG]

Since these couples will have already initiated their marriage through betrothal, their intercourse would not be premarital but marital. . .

OK, if it’s marital intercourse, if they’ve “initiated their marriage,” then they are married, and all the laws of marriage apply, including permanence and indissolubility. So why are they waiting to publicly attest to that? Lack of full commitment, perhaps?

We envision a marital process initiated by mutual commitment and consent lived in love, justice, equality, intimacy, and fulfillment in a nuptial cohabitation pointed to a wedding that consummates the process of becoming married in a public manner.Such a process would meet the legitimate Catholic and social requirement that the sexual act must take place only within a stable relationship.

The Catholic ‘requirement’ is that the sexual act must take place in a married relationship, not a ‘stable’ relationship.

I have my own modest proposal. If the parties intend to marry, and thus engage in a “marital” relationship, just get married. Three easy steps, extending as long or as briefly as you want. But it’s better to be less lengthy.

1. Betrothal
2. Marriage
3. Consummation

Simple.

 

[AndyF]

Smber2c:

All included within the pages of this new age’s secular rule book which also allows HS, HS marriage and abortion and all the rest.

Thing is, someone forgot to put God on notice that His rules are no longer in effect.

Wonder who will win in the end.

AndyF

 

[goofyjim]

Maybe the flaw is not in the CCC itself, but rather in your personal interpretation of what Jesus said?

Besides, if you read what Jesus said as posted in the CCC:

and the NAB 1970 translation which says “freely renounce sex” as opposed to “made themselves eunuchs”, you will see the pattern “freely choose”. And also note what Jesus said about “he who is able to receive this, let him receive it” (my 1970 NAB also states that :not everyonme can accept this teaching").

As Pug said in her interpretation of CCC 1603, it is our natural vocation. Some, like me, have used the word “default”, but I might change that to “natural” now. The reason I harp on this point is that too many people today have a flawed sense of discernment. They think that one is “vocationless” until they officially get a “sign in the sky” and that you cannot get married until you receive that “sign in the sky”. If instead we read the CCC and see that marriage is our natural vocation, start from there, and then see that when you discern properly you are discerning between two good things, then one can properly see what is meant when it is said that the celibate vocations are a “higher calling”. That

That being said, how can anyone justify letting people stay in cohabitation on the basis that they are not “called to marriage”? If they are already living as husband and wife, does not that indicate that they have the vocation and that the response is warped by sin? This could be a very powerful evangelization point for pastors and others dealing with such situations.

I do not justify cohabitation. But there are single people who are not cohabiting and feel no call to marriage. So it is not a natural call for everyone.

 

[dcdurel]

May have been stated earlier, but my wife and I do marriage prep courses and here are some astonishing stats:

80% of couples who practice cohabitation before marriage get divorced (greatest single cause)

On the flip side:

1 in 700 couples who attend Mass together regularly get divorced

AND

1 in 1200 couples who pray together regularly get divorced

WOW, that say’s something about the sanctitiy of Marriage and doing things God’s way!!

This is the reason that the Pope’s (Paul VI and John Paul II and Benedict XVI have been saying that we need to evangelize. Without God and His teachings through the Church, families become disfunctional and then society becomes disfunctional.

The Church teaches that Jesus came for our salvation, which the Popes teach means to free us from the slavery of sin.

Those who cohabit before marriage think they are doing something good. Then they don’t understand why their marriages fall apart.

Jesus came to teach us how to live our lives, through the Church teachings on the commandments, which forbid fornication,(cohabitation). Then by His sufferings and death He merited the grace that enables us to follow the commandments. The old Law of Moses could not give this grace. But through the New Covenant we receive this grace through the sacraments, esp, the Eucharist, which frees us, (saves us) from the inclination to commit sins such as fornication and divorce and remarriage.

The Popes have been teaching that this is precisely why Jesus came into the world, to free us from the slavery of sin, (save us) so we can have some degree of happiness in this world and enter into union with Jesus in this world and in the next, if we die in this grace. Only through the Church Jesus founded, the Catholic Church, is the fullness of this salvation made available.

 

[Norseman82]

I do not justify cohabitation. But there are single people who are not cohabiting and feel no call to marriage. So it is not a natural call for everyone.

Agreed, as I am one of those single people who are not cohabitating. However:

1. The context of this thread is about cohabitation, and further cohabitation with extra-marital sex, and my remarks were about those singles who do so.
2. “Feelings” are not always the best indicator for discernment. Whereas the Holy Spirit can speak to us through our “gut feelings and instincts”, discernment is also using your head as well as your heart.
3. Please reread what I stated:

If instead we read the CCC and see that marriage is our natural vocation, start from there, and then see that when you discern properly you are discerning between two good things, then one can properly see what is meant when it is said that the celibate vocations are a “higher calling”.

 

[strngrnrth]

There is a big difference between being poor and being respectable. Poor people have to live in the same houses as strangers, they cannot isolate themselves from drug use or casual sex, so it produces a different attitude to life.

However in Western countries most practising Catholics are respectable. Also people tend to become more respectable as they get older. As you move from poverty to respectability you begin to realise what you have lost. However some of the solidarity of the poor is illusion. Women, in particular, often manage to convince themselves that they have a very intense and loving network of friends, whilst in fact all they have done is to suspend inhibitions.
I’d suggest maybe looking at some groups in the Church that cater for single people.

A lot of singles’ groups focus on getting everyone married. I don’t want to get married. I want to live alone. And I want to live in chastity. But when I was among young, poor people, the choices were: 1. Be friends with everyone and make it clear you are celibate. Act tough so people believe you. Cut off your hair or whatever it takes. Never let on you’re lonely or they’ll all close in like sharks. or,
2. Sleep around. Have no real friends. Die inside. Be utterly alone and without a sense of self to keep you company, even. Have kids you have nothing to give. Watch them grow up to hate you for having nothing to give them. Lose your mind.
I chose #1, most of the time. That put me in a largish minority, which I never understood because choice #2 is so obviously loathsome, isn’t it?
But now it seems the choices have become: 1. Get married and disappear from social life. Become outwardly exactly like many other people. Lose your individuality. Accept that your spouse is not “one of your friends”, even though that means you have no friends. Be the property of someone who ignores you.
or,
2. Act grateful for social crumbs and act as if you want to get married so people have something to “do with you”: find you a spouse. Find little coy ways of getting off the hook every time someone finds you someone. have no real friends. Be a “poor cousin” and attend “singles functions” where conversation never goes beyond “do you like coffee?” Be treated with pity for your singlehood even though you have said a hundred times that you do not want to get married. Feel like a child forever.
See? I just feel as if when I was young and poor, even non-Christians knew I am a human being, though rich people usually didn’t respect me. But now, I feel that among Christians, I am a potential wife who is rotting on a shelf and must be used up before I go bad, while among non-Christians, I am insane for being so hard to pick up at my age. Where did sociability and conversation and a sense of humanity go?

 

[paradoxy]

See? I just feel as if when I was young and poor, even non-Christians knew I am a human being, though rich people usually didn’t respect me. But now, I feel that among Christians, I am a potential wife who is rotting on a shelf and must be used up before I go bad, while among non-Christians, I am insane for being so hard to pick up at my age. Where did sociability and conversation and a sense of humanity go?

Have you considered a monastery? I’ve seen wonderful friendships form in monasteries. That, and much, much more!

 

[dcdurel]

Forgive me for this but a previous post has finally allowed me to catch a flaw in the catechism. It states that everyone is called to marriage. This would go against Jesus teaching that soem are called to celibacy, and not just the religious.

The Catechism does not say everyone is called to marriage.
It says: “The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator”

This means that marriage is NOT some man-made institution, it is NOT an introduced custom, but it is part of our human nature. That is, it is part of the way that God created us.

This does NOT mean that God call everyone to be married, but only that marriage is part of our human nature and it is not something introduced by human civiliazations years later.

The Catechism makes clear that there is a bond that comes BEFORE marriage. That is the bond with Christ.

“Christ is the center of all Christian life. The bond with him takes precedence over all other bonds, familial or social.[[113]](file:///home/dennis/Desktop/CATECHISM%20OF%20THE%20Catholic%20Church.html#14G113) From the very beginning of the Church there have been men and women who have renounced the great good of marriage to follow the Lamb wherever he goes, to be intent on the things of the Lord, to seek to please him, and to go out to meet the Bridegroom who is coming”

 

[strngrnrth]

Have you considered a monastery? I’ve seen wonderful friendships form in monasteries. That, and much, much more!

I would consider it but I’d have to know it was God’s plan for me.

 

[Pug]

I would consider it but I’d have to know it was God’s plan for me.

Did you know that if you visit/contact an order and show interest, that they have a person they will assign to you, sort of like a vocation director? They help you discern. It is not like you have to know before you ever visit or talk to a monastery. I corresponded with someone like that for quite awhile. You might want to talk to some folks over in the vocations forum. It is not something you need to be sure of before you start investigating.

 

[Norseman82]

A lot of singles’ groups focus on getting everyone married.

That’s the opposite from what I’ve encountered for the longest time in Catholic young adult ministry circles.

Would you care to trade?

 

[goofyjim]

Barring the problem of cohabitation, please do not force the single to get married or enter religious life. Just tell them not to cohabit but if they are not doing that let them live a calling of singleness. I’ve known several in previous generations who chose this route. My mother’s aunt for one.

 

[chewchoo]

of the cohabitating youth of today… are there any statistics that identify their home life as children? for example, were both parents working and the children products of daycare? or are they products of a home life with a stay at home parent? if children aren’t taught the moral code by someone that loves them, then they will learn the code of society from TV, friends, and who ever else is around.

 

[sires6]

My son works with a construction company that provides surveys for large construction projects. the men that he has in his crew constantly deride him for not “trying the goods” of the girl he is courting. Yes, you heard me right, courting, old fashioned and all. I hurt for him that these others seem to feel that it’s ok to place women into a position where they are a pair of pants or a car… got to test drive before we buy. Gosh that is just so aweful and it makes me mad.

Why are we not protecting our young people anymore, letting them get to know the person they should be trying to stay with for a lifetime, rather than having 2, 3 or 5 boy/girl friends and spouses?

 

[lsu]

Why is it so important to get married in the catholic church.Your not marrying the church you are marrying a man or a women.

People get divorce all the time it doesn’t matter if they marry in the church or they marry by a jp.

I’m catholic but I have no intention on marrying in the church. but I will have my grandmother who is Pentecostal Pray over our marriage.

God is in my heart allways

Yes I do live with my finace

Go Tigers

Go New Orleans Saints