Complicated marriage... Need help!

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khomes123

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I am in a complicated situation and would like your advice.
I am 17 years old and will be 18 soon and I have been married for a little over a year now, however married outside of the church. when my wife and I got engaged we immedietly signed up for marriage preperation. when we got the appointment we were told that we could not marry because I was not 18 ( my wife just turned 18 at that time and I was almost 17, we had been dating for 2 years). we prayed a lot about if we were ready to marry at our age and we found that we were and God supported us. We then asked if there was any way that we could get any exception to marry in the Church and we were told that only the bishop could but only in extreme circumstances that we did not meet. We then started planning a wedding ouside of the church not knowing the reprocusions of that. finally they told us that we could not marry outside of the church and if we did we couldn’t recieve eucharist.they told us to wait until I was 18 to get married but I felt that I couldn’t do that because my wife had severe depression and I felt that I had to live with her and take care of her. We prayed a lot and ended up asking God to bless our marrage and to be a witness to our true love and lifetime sacramental commitment to eachother and we said our vows to each other. we of course are planning to get married in the church as soon as I turn 18. attached to this huge dillemma was also the fact that while my wife was already a confirmed catholic but I was still coming to the faith and was in RCIA and was going to be baptized and confirmed on easter vigil that year. they told me that if we were going to get married outside of church that I couldn’t be baptized or confirmed because " it would be better for my soul" that I didn’t get baptized. I ended up getting baptized and confirmed anyway by telling them that we were getting married in the church.

so in summary, I have been living with this huge spiritual crisis and don’t know what to believe. I just want to do the right thing.

my questions are: is my baptism and confirmation valid? do you think God accepts my marriage? what should I do?
 
You need to ask a priest about the baptism and confirmation. You make promises with both sacraments, and if you were lying at the time, that might affect the validity of the sacraments.

Your marriage is not sacramentally valid. No one can answer if God “accepts” it. God is not bound by Catholic rules, but we are.

If you sincerely wish to be righted with the Church, you need to ask a priest to help you sort this all out. Since you are not sacramentally married, you will likely need to live apart during the time it takes to get the marriage blessed.
 
I see what you are saying, however we were trying to do the right thing but were denied marriage in the church. you are right that God is not bound by the rules. wouldn’t you think that God understands and based on our situation would rather bless our marriage than for us to live in this predicament?
 
also once while we were celebrating Mass at a Church that we don’t normally go to (we’ve been there like 3 or 4 times) we were asked if we would like to take up the gifts, so we said we would love to. I was praying before we took up the gifts and asked God to forgive me of my sins and asked if he would bless and acknowledge our marriage. as we took up the gifts and gave them to the priest he blessed our marriage and said a prayer for us and ended that with " you may now kiss the bride"
 
You should really talk to a priest about your situation. It can be solved, but only a priest could take the measures required to do so.
 
Uh, what? First of all, why would the priest say that to a young couple who only brought up the gifts at Mass? And secondly, that has never been part of the Catholic wedding service.
 
well perhaps that was God answering my prayers; and then how is it that Catholic weddings go?
 
My husband and I were married outside of the Church, as well. But later I learned that part of being Catholic is obeying the Church *even when we don’t understand *why we are supposed to do something (or not do something). And even when we don’t agree (and usually this is because we don’t understand).

Speak to your priest and get the mistakes fixed–and do all in your power to obey what he says. If you are truly dedicated to your marriage, and it sounds like you are, then you can “man up,” face what you have done, and make it right. 👍

If you are to have a great and holy marriage, you must stop lying to get what you want and what you think is best, and instead trust God (and the Church) to guide you to what is actually best… and that may take some strength and faith–or, rather, a lot of it. It may also mean living separately from your wife until the marriage is validated. With God’s help, you can work through this, and you can be a good spiritual leader for your wife (and, later, any children you may have). You will just have to trust in God, and it’s not always easy, I know. Especially when it requires waiting… but patience is one of those virtues that must be* practiced*. 😉

I will pray for you!
 
“If you are to have a great and holy marriage, you must stop lying to get what you want and what you think is best, and instead trust God (and the Church) to guide you to what is actually best.”

Right. There are lots of people who talk themselves into thinking that God wants them to have an affair and a new spouse. (See, for example, Henry VIII.) There are objective rules that are there to protect us, just as much as stoplights and guardrails are.

And severe depression might well preclude the ability to enter into a valid marriage. Severe depression isn’t curable through getting married. This is too big for you to handle.
 
CatholicRaven is correct to mention obedience.

You have decided to ignore what was told to you in regards to marriage, baptism, and confirmation. If you had been humble and been obedient to what the Church instructed, you wouldn’t be in this situation. This situation can be fixed, but you need to talk to your priest and listen to what he tells you. Further disobedience is simply going to make your situation worse.
 
Welcome to CAF. 🙂

At the time you decided to live together to rescue your friend, you both needed wise spiritual guidance. What you call your marriage does not appear to be legal, but simply an agreement between you, however romantic and sincere it appeared to you both.
You were only a 16 year old boy, therefore marriage between you both would have been illegal.

If someone is suffering from depression, yes, they need help, but you may find the fact of living together often doesn’t heal depression. This girl needed help, and it is sad that you did not receive the guidance from adults and from your priest to help her.

Honestly, it seems you were listening to your feelings, not God. To enter into an underage marriage is not legal and God wouldn’t tell you to marry illegally. The Church is not being unreasonable, but doing the right thing. I understand that at 16 when you began living together, you couldn’t see there were other options to help this girl, and that you were acting on your sympathetic feelings.

I sincerely wish that you had been properly guided by adults in your life.

I pray that you will have the wisdom, humility, and honesty you need to solve the issues, and to handle everything in the right way.
I’m happy that you are trying to get things right now. Hopefully you will discuss these issues with a wise and compassionate priest who is able to guide you and to answer your questions.

May God bless you.
Kind regards and prayers,
Trishie
 
I am not sure why you were denied the sacrament of marriage in the first place. If you were starting marriage prep, and would have been 17 at the time you married, then there is no canonical impediment based on your age (although I do see some concern with her depression issues). Although, the church must also comply with civil law.

Can.* 1083 §1. A man before he has completed his sixteenth year of age and a woman before she has completed her fourteenth year of age cannot enter into a valid marriage.

§2. The conference of bishops is free to establish a higher age for the licit celebration of marriage.

You need to make an appointment with your pastor immediately and convalidate your marriage.

Your baptism and confirmation are valid. But, you need to rectify your lving arrangement by either convalidation (exchange of consent in the Catholic form) or radical sanation (no new consent is exchanged) or separating. If you are serious about your marriage, then move forward with convalidation.

Please go talk to your pastor for counseling.

edited to add: in reading your post again, it seems you did not actually marry legally. So, again please go talk to your pastor ASAP.
 
Hey KHomes

Most important thing - keep loving and supporting your wife.

Then, talk to a priest so you can both be assured of a way to bring you both into full communion with the Church in a validly recognized marriage within the church. The time that takes will soon pass and I’m sure you’ll be glad that you got it all sorted out.

May God bless you both in your lives together. May you always love cherish and support each other, and may you each help nurture the faith of the other, in the name of God the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit +
 
Actually we are married legally and actually I did not deny the sacrament of marriage, the Church would not let us get married becasue I was under the age of 18 which is the minimum age for the church.
 
khomes123 said:
Actually we are married legally and actually I did not deny the sacrament of marriage, the Church would not let us get married becasue I was under the age of 18 which is the minimum age for the church.
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Eighteen is not the legal age for marriage in the Church.

Please go talk to your pastor about convalidating your civil marriage (which makes it valid after you exchange vows in Catholic form), or receiving radical sanation (which makes the marriage valid from the beginning).
 
“Please go talk to your pastor about convalidating your civil marriage (which makes it valid after you exchange vows in Catholic form), or receiving radical sanation (which makes the marriage valid from the beginning).”

Do we really think that two teenagers (one of whom is deeply depressed) ought to marry in the Church? This situation has future annulment written all over it.
 
Xantippe said:
Do we really think that two teenagers (one of whom is deeply depressed) ought to marry in the Church? This situation has future annulment written all over it.
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We are not in a position to judge that. We are in a position to suggest they go talk to their pastor.

Please not I suggested convalidation, radical sanation, OR separation.
 
it appears that a particular detail is being confused. In the United States the minimum age for marriage in the church is 18 however the legal age being lower. we have talked to numerous priests and all have said that they can’t marry anybody under 18 due to the fact that the US conference of bishops raised the minimum age from 16 to18.

UPDATE: talked to priest today after Mass and he said no problem all he would need to do is wait until I turned 18 (which is soon), both of our baptismal records, he would want to talk to our parants, and then we would do the little ceremony after Mass one day.
 
however, annother question: the priest also said that God would understand if we recieved the eucharist, however I am uncertain. He explained that God’s mercy is far bigger than any of our problems and that based on our complicated situation that it would be ok.
 
khomes123 said:
however, annother question: the priest also said that God would understand if we recieved the eucharist, however I am uncertain. He explained that God’s mercy is far bigger than any of our problems and that based on our complicated situation that it would be ok.
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:eek:
 
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