Confessing Adultry to Your Spouse

[faithfully]

I only know of one real life example of this, and it met the conditions described by the OP. The husband cheated. It was a one night stand. He was remorseful, then repentant, confessed the sin in confession.

But he still had feelings of guilt, which he alleviated by confessing to his wife, who would not otherwise have known. He transferred his pain to her. She could not cope with that knowledge.

Ultimately, it was not the adultery, but the confession, which broke up the marriage.

He broke his vows with the adultery, but he destroyed his marriage with the confession.

See, I don’t agree… without the adultery… NOTHING to confess… Not confessing does not mean he never did it. (or she)

ISo, if this guy ever remarries, he won’t have another one night stand. Not if he’s committed to his relationship. No matter how tempted. He knows what’s really up for loss…

ORRRR… he just knows to have such one night stands out of town, and keeps his mouth shut…

Which lesson do you think he learned? Don’t get caught? Don’t Ask don’t Tell?

 

[Serap]

The thing is, in a Catholic marriage both parties already made their CHOICE–on the wedding day. We don’t get to revoke that choice if the other partner fails us. Knowing about my husband’s adultery would only make being a good wife more difficult for me.

If he can end the adultery and resolve his issues without breaking my heart, that would be my preference. However, if for some reason he needed my help staying on the straight and narrow, perhaps I would be willing to endure the pain of knowing about his adultery. But I would not want to know for MY sake.

I agree!

btw…congrats on your little bean!

 

[Lutheranteach]

I would say it depends on why you are confessing and the circumstances of the affair.

—*If it was a one time event and you truly can’t imagine a similar occurrence ever taking place again and the only reason you are confessing it to your spouse is to unburden yourself than you should take it to your clergy person and keep it to yourself.

— If you are in love with the “other person” or see this as something that could happen repeatedly, I wold say you need to have your spouse involved.

 

[Augusta_Sans]

I agree!

btw…congrats on your little bean!

Thanks! We’re still in the “Is this for real?!?” stage of the pregnancy.

 

[runwaymodel]

The thing is, in a Catholic marriage both parties already made their CHOICE–on the wedding day. We don’t get to revoke that choice if the other partner fails us. Knowing about my husband’s adultery would only make being a good wife more difficult for me.

Yes, both made their choice when they married. Which is a beautiful thing, but then the cheater broke those vows. The cheater doesn’t respect the spouse because if he did, he wouldn’t have cheated on them.

This is very very discouraging. Almost makes me not want to marry. If I was being cheated on, I would want to know. You don’t lie to people you love. I don’t understand that.

 

[Serap]

See, I don’t agree… without the adultery… NOTHING to confess… Not confessing does not mean he never did it. (or she)

ISo, if this guy ever remarries, he won’t have another one night stand. Not if he’s committed to his relationship. No matter how tempted. He knows what’s really up for loss…

ORRRR… he just knows to have such one night stands out of town, and keeps his mouth shut…

Which lesson do you think he learned? Don’t get caught? Don’t Ask don’t Tell?

This lesson would be true for some men, but sometimes the current marriage is worth saving and if not telling, saves the sacrament, then that’s reason enough in my eyes.

for what it’s worth. We will continue to disagree, so I will respect your view on this too.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Folks, I just had a moment of enlightenment! :newidea:

When you date your prospective spouse, bring up the subject and make your wishes clear! :doh2:

As in “Honey, let’s have a big family with many children, spend the holidays traveling whenever we can, and do tell me if you ever cheat on me!”

Or, “Sweetie, let’s use NFP and try not to have a lot of children, you may keep dogs but no cats since I’m allergic to them, and don’t ever tell me when you go to the red light district!”

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

OK, but what about those who are already married, and failed to discuss the issue and to come to an agreement, before they tied the knot?

Here are some sample conversations, for them:

-Good evening honey, how was your day?
-Oh, busy. We have a problem with the car. It didn’t start at once when I picked up the kids.
-Oh, let me check the battery. I’ll take care of it, Honey, don’t worry. Just do me a favor. Don’t ever tell me if you cheated on me!
-??? Do you feel alright, Honey? Come, sit down with me! Let me check your blood pressure! You look so tired, Honey, I want you to relax, and take better care of yourself!

And another sample conversation:

-I prepared omlette for you, honey.
-Oh, thank you! It looks delicious!
-I’m glad you like it! Do you want milk or orange juice?
-Orange juice. Thank you, darling.
-Honey?
-Yes?
-Did you cheat on me?
-(Accidentally spits out orange juice)
-Just tell me. I won’t get mad, I promise! I just want to know it.
-(Still gagging and coughing from the orange juice that entered his airways)
-??? :imsorry: Was she pretty? Prettier than me?
-(Finally catching his breath) Darling, darling! :hug3: Where did you take this idea from? You are my treasure, and I would never cheat on you!
-Oh, sure? :bighanky:
-Sure, absolutely sure! I never cheated on you, and I will never cheat on you! :console:
-Oh, then…

• 

 

[Serap]

Yes, both made their choice when they married. Which is a beautiful thing, but then the cheater broke those vows. The cheater doesn’t respect the spouse because if he did, he wouldn’t have cheated on them.

This is very very discouraging. Almost makes me not want to marry. If I was being cheated on, I would want to know. You don’t lie to people you love. I don’t understand that.

I felt the same as you in my 20’s and early to mid-30’s. I am about to turn 40, a little older and maybe a bit wiser I am at a point in my life now where I see it differently.

I really would not want to know, so long as he truly repented and it never happened again.

 

[Serap]

OK, but what about those who are already married, and failed to discuss the issue and to come to an agreement, before they tied the knot?

Here are some sample conversations, for them:

-Good evening honey, how was your day?
-Oh, busy. We have a problem with the car. It didn’t start at once when I picked up the kids.
-Oh, let me check the battery. I’ll take care of it, Honey, don’t worry. Just do me a favor. Don’t ever tell me if you cheated on me!
-??? Do you feel alright, Honey? Come, sit down with me! Let me check your blood pressure! You look so tired, Honey, I want you to relax, and take better care of yourself!

And another sample conversation:

-I prepared omlette for you, honey.
-Oh, thank you! It looks delicious!
-I’m glad you like it! Do you want milk or orange juice?
-Orange juice. Thank you, darling.
-Honey?
-Yes?
-Did you cheat on me?
-(Accidentally spits out orange juice)
-Just tell me. I won’t get mad, I promise! I just want to know it.
-(Still gagging and coughing from the orange juice that entered his airways)
-??? :imsorry: Was she pretty? Prettier than me?
-(Finally catching his breath) Darling, darling! :hug3: Where did you take this idea from? You are my treasure, and I would never cheat on you!
-Oh, sure? :bighanky:
-Sure, absolutely sure! I never cheated on you, and I will never cheat on you! :console:
-Oh, then…

• 

I gave my point of view and having said that, I am 99.9% sure my husband would never cheat on me. We have a lot of trust in our marriage. He’s just not the cheating type.

We don’t talk about cheating and never have b/c it’s a non issue for us.

 

[monicatholic]

i skipped all the replies and i didnt vote in the poll because the answer i would have chosen is NOT there.

here’s my answer: don’t tell me. you’ve repented, you’ve been absolved, you’re living your penance (which is to shoulder this burden ALONE with God’s help) and you’re living a firm amendment to change. don’t tell me. just tell me if we have issues in our marriage that you think we need to work on but don’t blame your adultery on our issues.

that’s my answer.

 

[faithfully]

…
for what it’s worth. We will continue to disagree, so I will respect your view on this too.

Yeah, I’m just thinking out loud. I don’t expect anyone to go changing their minds to my view… And so of course, can respect that you would not want to know…

I felt the same as you in my 20’s and early to mid-30’s. I am about to turn 40, a little older and maybe a bit wiser I am at a point in my life now where I see it differently.

I really would not want to know, so long as he truly repented and it never happened again.

LOL! Pushing 40 here too… So, even those older and wiser, still disagree.

 

[runwaymodel]

Maybe its me being naive, but older isn’t always wiser.
I am sometimes really amazed at the sincerity of children.

 

[larkin31]

Yes, both made their choice when they married. Which is a beautiful thing, but then the cheater broke those vows. The cheater doesn’t respect the spouse because if he did, he wouldn’t have cheated on them.

This is very very discouraging. Almost makes me not want to marry. If I was being cheated on, I would want to know. You don’t lie to people you love. I don’t understand that.

There are many types of untruths, partial truths, and mistruths we either simply ignore, or allow, or even perpetrate to, for, with, and against the people we love (family or spouse).

For example: I have not told my spouse all the details of my sex life before we met. Nor has she told me hers. We each asked a little and were told a little. we fully know that we did not tell each other ALL. There is no need for this.

The same is true about infidelity in some circumstances. And other forms of private sin.

should we tell our spouses each time we sin in the mind, too? (Heck no!!!)

Love and commitment do not require total honesty, nor total fidelity. Most marriages survive the blows of straying; some are even stronger afterward. Some do not. This is NOT a reason not to marry.

 

[Serap]

Yeah, I’m just thinking out loud. I don’t expect anyone to go changing their minds to my view… And so of course, can respect that you would not want to know…

LOL! Pushing 40 here too… So, even those older and wiser, still disagree.

I was only joking about my age. I’m non the wiser with age

ps…you old bat LOL!!!

 

[Serap]

There are many types of untruths, partial truths, and mistruths we either simply ignore, or allow, or even perpetrate to, for, with, and against the people we love (family or spouse).

For example: I have not told my spouse all the details of my sex life before we met. Nor has she told me hers. We each asked a little and were told a little. we fully know that we did not tell each other ALL. There is no need for this.

The same is true about infidelity in some circumstances. And other forms of private sin.

should we tell our spouses each time we sin in the mind, too? (Heck no!!!)

Love and commitment do not require total honesty, nor total fidelity. Most marriages survive the blows of straying; some are even stronger afterward. Some do not. This is NOT a reason not to marry.

Marriage is very hard and we’re a bunch of sinners. Infidelity is inevitable in some marriages given our fallen nature.

 

[larkin31]

Marriage is very hard and we’re a bunch of sinners. Infidelity is inevitable in some marriages given our fallen nature.

I am 50 and have just been through some very hard marital times (not about infidelity). But now we are on our second honeymoon so to speak and things are muy bien! either one of us could have strayed then, and maybe she did (I would not have blamed her, although I would be very sad to find out), but we both are only looking ahead now and are driving a new road together entirely!

 

[runwaymodel]

There are many types of untruths, partial truths, and mistruths we either simply ignore, or allow, or even perpetrate to, for, with, and against the people we love (family or spouse).

For example: I have not told my spouse all the details of my sex life before we met. Nor has she told me hers. We each asked a little and were told a little. we fully know that we did not tell each other ALL. There is no need for this.

The same is true about infidelity in some circumstances. And other forms of private sin.

should we tell our spouses each time we sin in the mind, too? (Heck no!!!)

Love and commitment do not require total honesty, nor total fidelity. . Most marriages survive the blows of straying; some are even stronger afterward. Some do not. This is NOT a reason not to marry.

Yes but, you would have done all those things BEFORE you meet your wife. I agree that one would not need to mention all of their sexual past unless it would concern their significant other now. I have said before that you don’t need to share personal sins but infidelity doesn’t just involve you. It involves the spouse whose vows you just broke.

You mention that love and commitment do not require total fidelity and that this is not a reason not to marry…this is a perfect reason not to marry. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t respect me enough not to honor our vows or me? :nope:

 

[Augusta_Sans]

Why would I **want **to be with someone who doesn’t respect me enough not to honor our vows or me? :nope:

**
Marriage isn’t about doing what you WANT. It’s about doing what God calls you to do. **

God calls us to be faithful to our spouses–that includes not leaving when the relationship is difficult. God also calls us to forgive our fellow sinners as He forgives us.

Of course, you should choose a spouse wisely. Don’t marry someone who has even a glimmer of “cheater” about him. But once you’ve entered into a valid Catholic marriage, if your husband cheats on you (disrespecting the marriage vow), disrespecting the marriage vow yourself (through divorce or refusing to forgive) is not an appropriate option.

(Of course, if the spouse continues to cheat, abuse, etc. civil divorce can sometimes be a valid option to protect yourself, your children, or your assets. However, you are still validly married to your husband and cannot date/marry another man.)

 

[catharina]

**
Marriage isn’t about doing what you WANT. It’s about doing what God calls you to do. **

God calls us to be faithful to our spouses–that includes not leaving when the relationship is difficult. God also calls us to forgive our fellow sinners as He forgives us.

Of course, you should choose a spouse wisely. Don’t marry someone who has even a glimmer of “cheater” about him. But once you’ve entered into a valid Catholic marriage, if your husband cheats on you (disrespecting the marriage vow), disrespecting the marriage vow yourself (through divorce or refusing to forgive) is not an appropriate option.

(Of course, if the spouse continues to cheat, abuse, etc. civil divorce can sometimes be a valid option to protect yourself, your children, or your assets. However, you are still validly married to your husband and cannot date/marry another man.)

Augusta, thanks.

I’ll admit to being extremely surprised at the number of Catholics who’ve expressed the idea “I need to know if he/she cheated so I can decide if I’ll divorce the cheater.” That kind of thinking stuns me. A jump to “HEY! I need a divorce.” That doesn’t say much for the marriage vows. One cheated so the other is outta there? What???