Confessing Adultry to Your Spouse

[catharina]

Yes, Protestant.

I’m surprised though. Is it true that the Catholic Church position is that the spouse doesn’t have the right to a divorce if cheated on? They can “sever ties” but not remarry?

Please explain. . .

It’s true.
A marriage in the Catholic Church is considered valid until death.
If a couple divorces, neither is free to re-marry.

If divorced, one or both spouses can request an investigation in
reference to a possible declarartion of nullity. (Annulment) If after
investigation (a lengthy process), the tribunal finds that the marriage
was not valid from its start (recognizing previously undiscovered
impediments to the Sacramental bond) then and only then can the
marriage be declared invalid from its inception. If nullity is found
and an annulment is granted, then the spouses are free to marry.

Is that explanation sufficient?

 

[cviolette]

I don’t think my husband would ever cheat on me. If he did, it would be better for my family if I did not know. He travels for weeks at at time and it would lead to me being paranoid. I would be more upset if he was emotionally involved with someone than physically.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think freerf might be Protestant, hence his view.

Oh, and TheRealJulianne. Though the assumption is of a truly penitent spouse, it is human nature to fall back into our old ways unless there is some consequence to our actions. It is courting disaster to think that keeping the secret is keeping things “safe”.

I think the consequence of knowing that you are taking a risk of eternal damnation is pretty serious. Getting caught in the act, or being encouraged to confess so that your spouse knows, is not necessary if you have a well formed conscience. Just the separation of having an affair has already damaged the relationship, even if the spouse does not know. There will have been dishonesty. Sometimes knowing that the other person does NOT know, and meanwhile, you are still hurting them, is painful enough to cause that conscience to come to life.

There are things I do not do because I know they will hurt my spouse, even if he doesn’t know, like flirting with men when I am not with him. I would be putting forth energy to be attractive to men other than my husband, which already turns things in the wrong direction. If I indulge in something like that, a sin, I just take it to confession, knowing that I am separating myself from the best God has in mind for me, without telling my husband, “Hey, you know I was flirting with the dry cleaning guy the other day.” I realize adultery is more serious than just flirting but that’s an example of stuff we don’t need to bring up. And big sins frequently start with ignoring little sins. I know adultery has another person involved, so it’s of another magnitude, but the question assumes that the cheating spouse has truly seen the error of his ways.

I guess some of us doubt that is possible. My husband has never given me occasion to doubt him again. Maybe it’s because he can’t lie, and I knew something was different when he came home from that trip. He had started smoking again, and that was weird. There was just something else wrong besides that, and finally it came out, that he had spent time with a woman although he swore he didn’t do anything with her. I went through hell when I found out, and then later on I found the letter in his briefcase. So even though he told me nothing had gone on, he had saved that letter for a reason, so I freaked out all over again. He still insisted that he had done nothing. At that point one of my choices would have been to kick him out but we had 2 small kids and he insisted that he had not gotten physical, not actually cheated. I told him it was the deception and the fact that he had shored so much time with someone and while he may not have had the intention to cheat, it might have happened anyway - she was not trying to keep him chaste!

It doesn’t help me that his father cheated on his mother and that is what led to their divorce. I know my husband was deeply damaged by their turbulent relationship and their ultimate divorce, to the point where he’s still angry at God for allowing them to divorce, but sometimes what we see and absorb as children comes out in twisted ways, you know?

That incident brought us to the brink of divorce at the time. My kids would have been the victims and the “sins of the father” would have been visited upon another generation. I know my husband felt guilty about what he had done, just knowing he was hiding something from me. Would that alone have been enough to keep him from dong it again? I don’t know. I know that knowing it has been very painful for me, from that day to this. And I do not trust him as I would if it had not happened. Maybe that is my failing. But there it is. I have no idea how spouses handle true infidelity and stay in the marriage. I don’t believe I could do it.

 

[Sillara]

I know my husband felt guilty about what he had done, just knowing he was hiding something from me.

But that is precisely what those who advocate for not telling the injured spouse are putting forward as the BETTER idea: keeping something from the spouse. As painful as knowing the truth is for you, imagine that you had been left with nothing but the suspicion, nothing but that sense that something was wrong–and left with a blank wall of non-answers and outright lies, as advocated by some in this thread.
“Did you commit adultery?”
“No, I didn’t commit adultery.” (But meaning, I didn’t commit the sin of idolatry? Really?)

Your trust in your husband is damaged; he damaged it not with his confession, but with his inappropriate behavior.

Additionally, guilt dulls with the passage of time. Without knowing how your grievous sin has injured your spouse, how much more difficult will it be to resist future temptation? How awkward will it be if, in one’s quest to avoid the near occasion of sin, as a true penitent must, one’s day-to-day life changes? How does one explain that?
“Why did you quit going to the gym, honey? I thought you enjoyed working out?”
How is Honey supposed to answer? With a lie?
“I quit because it’s getting too expensive/I’m getting too tired from the workout/whatever lie” when the real answer is “I committed adultery with a girl in my swim class”?

And thinking that the spouse will NEVER find out in any other way is foolish, particularly in our technological age.

When an injured spouse confronts the adulterous spouse with the evidences, what is the adulterous spouse going to say? “I kept it from you to spare you.” Really? I for one would NEVER believe that.

 

[Serap]

Actually, catharina, no one said anything about divorce. Separation is another matter, and it is a right given to the injured spouse in the catechism. It is laudable to stay with the adulterous spouse, but it is NOT required. And it is not the adulterous spouse’s choice to make.

There are many reasons why I have reached my belief concerning telling or keeping secrets: the adulterer keeps something (the fact that the adultery occurred) between him and his partner in adultery, keeps a secret shared with his lover and from his spouse. He keeps a HUGE aspect of his future life (having to deal with, one hopes, the guilt, having to deal with the lifestyle alterations necessary to prevent it from happening again, and so forth) from his spouse. He who has already wronged his spouse with the original adultery now adds the further wrongs of continued deceit and of robbing the injured spouse of his right to make the decision about the continuation of the conjugal life. By not telling, the adulterous spouse is making that decision on behalf of the spouse whom he has already injured. I just don’t get how that is better.

It’s not a huge secret if he/she has shared it with God and confessed it in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

You are mixing pride with confession. One’s pride would want to know b/c they would be embarrassed and humiliated if they found out about their spouses infidelity.

They would separate out of pride. This is all about pride.

 

[Serap]

I think freerf might be Protestant, hence his view.

Oh, and TheRealJulianne. Though the assumption is of a truly penitent spouse, it is human nature to fall back into our old ways unless there is some consequence to our actions. It is courting disaster to think that keeping the secret is keeping things “safe”.

Not true. In some cases, yes, but in many cases no. If the person has truly repented and used the Sacrament of Reconciliation, then he/she is likely not to repeat the same sin again.

 

[Serap]

But that is precisely what those who advocate for not telling the injured spouse are putting forward as the BETTER idea: keeping something from the spouse. As painful as knowing the truth is for you, imagine that you had been left with nothing but the suspicion, nothing but that sense that something was wrong–and left with a blank wall of non-answers and outright lies, as advocated by some in this thread.
“Did you commit adultery?”
“No, I didn’t commit adultery.” (But meaning, I didn’t commit the sin of idolatry? Really?)

Your trust in your husband is damaged; he damaged it not with his confession, but with his inappropriate behavior.

Additionally, guilt dulls with the passage of time. Without knowing how your grievous sin has injured your spouse, how much more difficult will it be to resist future temptation? How awkward will it be if, in one’s quest to avoid the near occasion of sin, as a true penitent must, one’s day-to-day life changes? How does one explain that?
“Why did you quit going to the gym, honey? I thought you enjoyed working out?”
How is Honey supposed to answer? With a lie?
“I quit because it’s getting too expensive/I’m getting too tired from the workout/whatever lie” when the real answer is “I committed adultery with a girl in my swim class”?

And thinking that the spouse will NEVER find out in any other way is foolish, particularly in our technological age.

When an injured spouse confronts the adulterous spouse with the evidences, what is the adulterous spouse going to say? “I kept it from you to spare you.” Really? I for one would NEVER believe that.

The RealJulianne’s husband more than likely, had a emotional non-physical attachement that he probably ended b/c he loved his wife. He kept it from her b/c technically, he felt that he did nothing wrong. She found a note from the other woman and then questioned her husband who told her truthfully that nothing “physical” happened.

It was still hurtful b/c RealJulianne knew that her husband had had some kind of attachement to this other person.

This is completely different than a cheating spouse. I applaud her husband b/c he remained faithful despite the temptation to do otherwise. Did he cross the line emotionally? Yes, but he didn’t cross the line physically.

Big difference.

 

[Sillara]

It’s not a huge secret if he/she has shared it with God and confessed it in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

You are mixing pride with confession. One’s pride would want to know b/c they would be embarrassed and humiliated if they found out about their spouses infidelity.

They would separate out of pride. This is all about pride.

Actually, that is quite an assumption on your part. First of all, it is not a secret in that “no one at all knows”. The partner in adultery knows anyway. It is a secret FROM one’s spouse.

Secondly, you assume that the only reason why someone would separate from an adulterous spouse is . . . pride? Are you really saying to the poor women in the other threads, whose husbands have porn addictions and who are being advised to separate because porn is “a form of adultery”, that the only reason they might want to leave is pride? Or do you reserve that accusation for those whose spouses have physically committed adultery? Only they would leave from pride? That heart-ache, pain, inability to trust, and the poisoning of every day in the marriage by the deceit–all these are nothing. The ONLY reason why someone would find it difficult or impossible to live with someone who has betrayed them in the most heinous way possible is–pride?

Did all of you who have separated from your adulterous spouses realize that you did this only out of pride? Is Corinne still around? Her husband had a 3-year affair with a stripper, and many posters here were adamant that she ought to leave immediately. Did they realize that they were only encouraging Corinne in pride?

I am absolutely stunned that anyone would say this.

 

[Sillara]

Not true. In some cases, yes, but in many cases no. If the person has truly repented and used the Sacrament of Reconciliation, then he/she is likely not to repeat the same sin again.

You must know a lot of saints. I find that I tend to confess the same sins every time I go. It’s not that I do not mean to stop; it’s not that I have no firm purpose of amendment. It’s that I find myself in the same situations. Sometimes, particularly right after Confession, I find it easier to resist. Sometimes I still fall. Adultery is not something where someone wants to run that risk, at least not if his spouse is at all important to him.

 

[ethereality]

And if I was the spouse being cheated on - I would leave. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater!

Are you a woman? This comment seems emotional rather than logical.

 

[Serap]

You must know a lot of saints. I find that I tend to confess the same sins every time I go. It’s not that I do not mean to stop; it’s not that I have no firm purpose of amendment. It’s that I find myself in the same situations. Sometimes, particularly right after Confession, I find it easier to resist. Sometimes I still fall. Adultery is not something where someone wants to run that risk, at least not if his spouse is at all important to him.

True, but you can’t say that all adulterors will do it again. That’s a blanket statement. You cannot make certain claims on other people’s marriages and lives.

I too confess the same sins over and over again. My husband and I have not committed adultry even though we have had a very rough year.

Some people have deep issues that cause the bahaviour in the first place. If they get counselling, repent, Confess and move on, there is no need to tell the spouse. Even from the theological perspective, there is no obligation.

 

[ethereality]

I voted and am chiming in although I’m not married, because I don’t think one needs to be married to participate in this thread.

The two are to be one flesh, one being until death parts them. Hence they should be hiding nothing from each other, and should develop their relationship to the point where nothing should need to be hidden. I think it’s that simple.

Also, should the spouse find out by some indirect means, that would be far more damaging than if he were told directly, precisely because of this matter of trust, the reality that the two should be living as one being and hiding nothing from each other.

Edit: And one would in fact be ‘hiding’ the matter from the other, in this situation. I recall now that I think the Catechism even says something about this scenario when it discusses the Christian’s obligation to the truth (or perhaps when it discusses adultery). Adultery is an act that offends (harms) the spouse, and hence restitution demands reconciliation with the spouse. Acting as if nothing happened and “trying to keep the matter hush hush” is an offense against the truth (and, I feel, another sin).

 

[Serap]

I voted and am chiming in although I’m not married, because I don’t think one needs to be married to participate in this thread.

The two are to be one flesh, one being until death parts them. Hence they should be hiding nothing from each other, and should develop their relationship to the point where nothing should need to be hidden. I think it’s that simple.

Also, should the spouse find out by some indirect means, that would be far more damaging than if he were told directly, precisely because of this matter of trust, the reality that the two should be living as one being and hiding nothing from each other.

Edit: And one would in fact be ‘hiding’ the matter from the other, in this situation. I recall now that I think the Catechism even says something about this scenario when it discusses the Christian’s obligation to the truth (or perhaps when it discusses adultery). Adultery is an act that offends (harms) the spouse, and hence restitution demands reconciliation with the spouse. Acting as if nothing happened and “trying to keep the matter hush hush” is an offense against the truth (and, I feel, another sin).

This is not true. There is no theology in the Catholic church that states this. In fact many many good priests counsel offending (reconciled) spouses not to tell b/c it would cause so much damage.

 

[Sillara]

True, but you can’t say that all adulterors will do it again. That’s a blanket statement. You cannot make certain claims on other people’s marriages and lives.

I too confess the same sins over and over again. My husband and I have not committed adultry even though we have had a very rough year.

Some people have deep issues that cause the bahaviour in the first place. If they get counselling, repent, Confess and move on, there is no need to tell the spouse. Even from the theological perspective, there is no obligation.

I do not state that all adulterers will definitely do it again (though in my experience most do), but I do state that all adulterers are at greater risk of doing so again, having fallen once. EVERY possible safeguard should be used.

And really, does no one think about the lying aspect of this? Lying is a sin in and of itself. Even if one uses the tired “but what about the Nazis” argument, it still simply comes down to saying that the Nazis were not owed the truth, and thus a mental reservation (or whatever you wanted to call it), prevented the deception from being a lie.

It appears that some are arguing that the injured spouse does not deserve the truth?

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Actually, catharina, no one said anything about divorce. Separation is another matter, and it is a right given to the injured spouse in the catechism. It is laudable to stay with the adulterous spouse, but it is NOT required. And it is not the adulterous spouse’s choice to make.

1. simply because the divorce is granted according to provisions specifically provided by the Church doesn’t make it any less devastating to the children involved.
2. the decision isn’t made in a vacuum. It isn’t “I will divorce and spend the rest of my life without the comforts of a spouse,” but rather, “I will divorce and seek a declaration of nullity; people are rarely denied an annulment”

The destruction of the family is the main reason I say that the adultery should remain a secret. I don’t think that the children should have to suffer because mom or dad couldn’t keep their vows.

 

[Serap]

I do not state that all adulterers will definitely do it again (though in my experience most do), but I do state that all adulterers are at greater risk of doing so again, having fallen once. EVERY possible safeguard should be used.

And really, does no one think about the lying aspect of this? Lying is a sin in and of itself. Even if one uses the tired “but what about the Nazis” argument, it still simply comes down to saying that the Nazis were not owed the truth, and thus a mental reservation (or whatever you wanted to call it), prevented the deception from being a lie.

It appears that some are arguing that the injured spouse does not deserve the truth?

Truth does not always set one free. Truth can be damaging and toxic.

I have not shared my painful past with my husband. Neither of us have shared much info about our abusive childhoods at all. Because infidelity is not an issue in our marriage, this is the only example I can think of.

Yes, we are one flesh, but we are also two separate people. We do not share everything. We have separate bank accts. We do not share our daily fianances with eachother. He does not have to account to me everything that he does…lunches, coffees, personal items, etc. I don’t share my financial purchases with him. I buy an outfit and if he asks me if it’s new, I just tell him it was cheap. I don’t tell him how much I spent on anything.

 

[styrgwillidar]

It appears that some are arguing that the injured spouse does not deserve the truth?

No. I’m arguing the injured spouse deserved a faithful, loyal spouse.

That didn’t happen, the past can’t be changed.

As the injured spouse do I want to know? Well, if my spouse realized it was a horrible error and was committed to never doing so again. No, I personally wouldn’t. I would want my spouse to be faithful and loyal from then on.

They carry a burden of guilt, it will gnaw at them, it will lower their sense of self. They can keep it. Don’t tell me and transfer that burden to me, don’t ask me to help carry it. Don’t make me wonder what my failures may have been that led up to it if I really hadn’t done anything wrong, if this was a stupid choice by them.

UNLESS, and this is where I would want to know, there truly were things on my part that contributed to it that need to be addressed- counseling, retrovaille etc.

 

[Sillara]

Truth does not always set one free. Truth can be damaging and toxic.

That’s not what Scripture says. In fact, Our Lord calls Himself “the Truth”.

As for whether or not “annulments” (declarations of nullity) are handed out too easily, that is a question for a different thread. (But I agree with you that they are.)

The question of children–again, I agree that they ought not to suffer from the adultery. But the adulterous spouse is the one who set the whole thing in motion with the adultery! The catechism disagrees with you that the adulterous spouse should be the one who gets to make the determination. I would encourage a betrayed spouse to stay, to try to work things out, especially if their are children involved–but on an equal footing of truth.

 

[larkin31]

It appears that some are arguing that the injured spouse does not deserve the truth?

I am very clearly stating this, in many circumstances. Indeed.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No. I’m arguing the injured spouse deserved a faithful, loyal spouse.

That didn’t happen, the past can’t be changed.

As the injured spouse do I want to know? Well, if my spouse realized it was a horrible error and was committed to never doing so again. No, I personally wouldn’t. I would want my spouse to be faithful and loyal from then on.

They carry a burden of guilt, it will gnaw at them, it will lower their sense of self. They can keep it. Don’t tell me and transfer that burden to me, don’t ask me to help carry it. Don’t make me wonder what my failures may have been that led up to it if I really hadn’t done anything wrong, if this was a stupid choice by them.

UNLESS, and this is where I would want to know, there truly were things on my part that contributed to it that need to be addressed- counseling, retrovaille etc.

Agree. Assuming there are no health consequences and assuming that the person really CAN keep it to him or herself until death. Assuming the mistress doesn’t come and try to blackmail him or contact me. Assuming no family member knows, no one other than the spouse and the mistress, assuming the mistress also feels guilt and shame and wants out. A lot of assumptions.

I have to think about whether or not I would be grateful to my spouse for trying to spare me the pain, or whether I would be even angrier because he had not told me. In my situation, I was already suspicious because my husband is one of those people who cannot hide or lie in any case, so he was acting weird about the cigarettes and then I asked if there was anything else and the truth eventually came out. If a spouse directly asks, then I think you can’t lie. Maybe it’s based on deception, I have to think about it more.