Confessing Adultry to Your Spouse

[Litcrit]

dead even in the poll, but an interesting difference in the results sorted by gender: more men want truth than women (as a percentage).

I noticed that too. I wonder why that is. I’m a woman and voted the spouse should be told.

adultery isn’t a personal sin. it’s a grave offense against marriage, which happens to include one’s spouse (and maybe even children if there is a family unit)

Exactly.

I have to admit that I’m surprised by the number of women who would rather not know.
Adultery doesn’t have to be a death sentence to a marriage. We are called to be “good” spouses whether our partners are faithful or not. St Monica is a wonderful example of that calling.

I have to add, that we as Christians are supposed to walk in the light of the Truth. If the truth of our marriages involve adultery, then we are called to live in that truth and move forward accordingly. Acting like it hadn’t happened is dishonest and enabling toward a second affair.

Also, I think it’s unfair to expect a penitent wayward spouse to bear the burden of his or her destruction alone. Part of being penitent is taking action toward repairing the damage we’ve done (reparation). True penitence wants to do the act of reparation and true forgiveness allows the action of reparation. When a betrayed spouse decides to remain the marriage with the penitent spouse, then expressions of reparation should be graciously accepted. Hiding the truth or ignoring it doesn’t allow for true reparation and forgiveness, imho.

Yes!

Many have expressed the idea that the guilty party should bear the burden of their sin in silence.

But I wouldn’t want that for my husband, were he to commit that sin.

I *love *him.

I’d want to know, not only because I think I have the right to know the reality of my marriage, but also because I wish to know everything that’s burdening him, because I deeply feel we’re together in all this. I’d actually want to talk about it, probably offer forgiveness immediately IF it hasn’t been a long-term deception (adultery itself would be less devastating to me than deceit), and help him and us get through this.

 

[cviolette]

One would think that the confessor would tell the “penitent” to tell the injured spouse the truth as part of the penance. But alas, we’re dealing with Catholicism and it’s dysfunctional way of dealing with truth.

I have confessed adultery to two different priest. They did not tell me to tell my spouse. They were concerned about my husband and children. They did say that I had to stop the affairs. But not that I had to tell my husband.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

MamaJewel,
If the adulterer is penitent, as this poll stipulates, why should he then further wrong his spouse by stealing that choice?

Telling the spouse who does not want to be told would also be inflicting an unwanted choice on the other person. Assuming that the spouse NEVER does such a thing again, and there are no health consequences, I still say that I would rather not know. I would love my husband as much as I always had, without the gulf of a lack of trust to bridge. Even if he told me of the affair and SWORE that he was repentant and would never cheat again, I would doubt. I would never trust him quite as much again. As it is, I still have a scar and my husband swears that he did nothing physical. But he spent time with a woman alone, and was not planning to tell me about it. I found out because he cannot lie.

OK, assuming all the statements of the OP were true, and my husband HAD that affair, came back from the trip and realized what he’d done, repented, and did NOT ever tell me…and we had gone on in marital harmony. Say he later goes through a health crisis and wants to come clean about this, and then he tells me how it all came down. I would be hard-pressed to find a reason to leave him. I would see that he had considered my feelings really before his own need to unburden himself, and that he had given me no further reason to doubt his fidelity.

Of course, there would be a little nagging voice, “what ELSE has he kept from you?” but since we don’t know ALL of each other’s secrets now, that voice would just have to hush up.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Since all of this is mostly hypothetical, I hope I never have to find out or eat my words.

 

[catharina]

One would think that the confessor would tell the “penitent” to tell the injured spouse the truth as part of the penance. But alas, we’re dealing with Catholicism and it’s dysfunctional way of dealing with truth.

Most priests are able to recognize that sharing some facts will/could cause
a greater harm to the other spouse and definitely to any children in the home.
Why do you feel the need to slam the Church? It doesn’t fit in here.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

ere b4 the marriage vows were said.)

I can think of a few scenarios up front:
alcoholism
drug addiction
gambling addiction
sex/porn addiction

But these are not conditions that would gain an annulment, are they? They might justify a divorce in the eyes of the rest of the world, but the way I am understanding OUR commitment to marriage, these challenges are not necessarily an assurance of anullment.

If I am mistaken about this please correct me.

And one you left out that is more serious and should gain the decree of nullity is

same sex attraction and homosexuality.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

One would think that the confessor would tell the “penitent” to tell the injured spouse the truth as part of the penance. But alas, we’re dealing with Catholicism and it’s dysfunctional way of dealing with truth.

You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!!!

I still keep my answer the same. I don’t want to know the truth when a delusion is so much more peaceful.

 

[MamaJewel]

Telling the spouse who does not want to be told would also be inflicting an unwanted choice on the other person. Assuming that the spouse NEVER does such a thing again, and there are no health consequences, I still say that I would rather not know. I would love my husband as much as I always had, without the gulf of a lack of trust to bridge. Even if he told me of the affair and SWORE that he was repentant and would never cheat again, I would doubt. I would never trust him quite as much again. As it is, I still have a scar and my husband swears that he did nothing physical. But he spent time with a woman alone, and was not planning to tell me about it. I found out because he cannot lie.

OK, assuming all the statements of the OP were true, and my husband HAD that affair, came back from the trip and realized what he’d done, repented, and did NOT ever tell me…and we had gone on in marital harmony. Say he later goes through a health crisis and wants to come clean about this, and then he tells me how it all came down. I would be hard-pressed to find a reason to leave him. I would see that he had considered my feelings really before his own need to unburden himself, and that he had given me no further reason to doubt his fidelity.

Of course, there would be a little nagging voice, “what ELSE has he kept from you?” but since we don’t know ALL of each other’s secrets now, that voice would just have to hush up.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Since all of this is mostly hypothetical, I hope I never have to find out or eat my words.

Hypothetically, we’d be able to hush up that nagging little voice. In reality, it doesn’t happen. Instead, the marriage erodes away because of the lack of trust.

 

[larkin31]

Tell: 48

Don’t Tell: 50

 

[MamaJewel]

You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!!!

I still keep my answer the same. I don’t want to know the truth when a delusion is so much more peaceful.

Trust me, delusion isn’t peaceful.

There was no peace when I was there in my M, a faithful practicing Catholic convert, pregnant with my umteenth child because I was “open to life”, and absolutely terrified when I’d defend my church’s teachings on marriage and the people in my closest circles would laugh in my face when I’d remark “I love my husband and my husband loves me. That’s why we are welcoming another life.”

I didn’t get their anger and defensiveness like with other pregnancies. I knew something was terribly wrong. Also, it didn’t help my DH started behaving like a real jerk.

I thought I was delusional then.

When that baby was around 18 mos I was told the truth of my husband’s lack of fidelity by someone other than my husband. I knew that I hadn’t been crazy after all. Something truly had been wrong. That moment was the beginning of my release. My release from co-dependency and blind submission.

It was the beginning of my understanding that real love is about the truth, and has accountability and boundaries.

Trust me, delusion isn’t peaceful. Oh, and rarely is it the case where a cheating spouse commits a betrayal without the faithful spouse knowing (in marriages that are faithful to the Church’s teaching.) Affairs take time away from the M and family, esp like the type the OP mentions. There’s an accountability issue that often involves up-front deceit in most affairs.

btw, I got the truth and I handled it. Not saying it was easy. But I’ve since had 2 more children and have move myself and marriage forward. It took awhile to get my cradle Catholic spouse on board, but we have a much better marriage than if the truth hadn’t been told.

 

[MamaJewel]

But these are not conditions that would gain an annulment, are they? They might justify a divorce in the eyes of the rest of the world, but the way I am understanding OUR commitment to marriage, these challenges are not necessarily an assurance of anullment.

If I am mistaken about this please correct me.

And one you left out that is more serious and should gain the decree of nullity is

same sex attraction and homosexuality.

Adultery in and of itself isn’t grounds for divorce However, if there are issues that contributed to the adultery and those issues existed at the time the vows were said, yes, they are grounds for nullity. Also, what you’ve said, definitely grounds for nullity.

 

[MamaJewel]

Most priests are able to recognize that sharing some facts will/could cause
a greater harm to the other spouse and definitely to any children in the home.
Why do you feel the need to slam the Church? It doesn’t fit in here.

I disagree. In my personal situation, my priest pressed me to "figure out what I wanted to believe’ about my husband’s lack of fidelity vs pressing him to be honest. My husband wasn’t fully honest with me nor the priest at that time. And it didn’t help that my priest scolded me for practicing NFP, having so many children, and recommending that we use ABC.

There are other situations that I know about where priests have discouraged the truth through direct omissions… I’m not slamming the Church. Problems don’t go away and they don’t get resolved by not acknowledging they exist, imho.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Oh, and rarely is it the case where a cheating spouse commits a betrayal without the faithful spouse knowing (in marriages that are faithful to the Church’s teaching.) Affairs take time away from the M and family, esp like the type the OP mentions. There’s an accountability issue that often involves up-front deceit in most affairs.

I didn’t realize that you had first hand experience with this. I am sorry about that.

I don’t understand how you say the betrayed spouse always knows if they are being faithful to the Church’s teaching. I commuted to Kazakhstan for a project at work for close to a year and by the end of the project about half of the engineers had local girlfriends. Many found it hard to resist being so far away from home with so many beautiful women interested in them. What teaching of the Church would ensure that a spouse would know about it?

People have business trips and “straycations” all the time. It is usually so discreet that nobody ever finds out about it. So far I’ve not seen one good thing come out of confessing, and I’ve seen a lot of good children have to go through divorces because of little “indiscretions.” If the spouse is repentant then they should deal with their problems on their own. I also really don’t buy that if someone cheats it is because of a problem in the marriage. The men who I’ve seen cheat have had seemingly perfect wives with beautiful families. People destroy marriages for strange reasons, bad reasons, or nothing resembling a reason at all. Blaming cheating on a bad marriage that needs work is nothing more than a convenient excuse.

 

[MamaJewel]

I didn’t realize that you had first hand experience with this. I am sorry about that.

I don’t understand how you say the betrayed spouse always knows if they are being faithful to the Church’s teaching. I commuted to Kazakhstan for a project at work for close to a year and by the end of the project about half of the engineers had local girlfriends. Many found it hard to resist being so far away from home with so many beautiful women interested in them. What teaching of the Church would ensure that a spouse would know about it?

People have business trips and “straycations” all the time. It is usually so discreet that nobody ever finds out about it. So far I’ve not seen one good thing come out of confessing, and I’ve seen a lot of good children have to go through divorces because of little “indiscretions.” If the spouse is repentant then they should deal with their problems on their own. I also really don’t buy that if someone cheats it is because of a problem in the marriage. The men who I’ve seen cheat have had seemingly perfect wives with beautiful families. People destroy marriages for strange reasons, bad reasons, or nothing resembling a reason at all. Blaming cheating on a bad marriage that needs work is nothing more than a convenient excuse.

With distance like you mention, a betrayed spouse might not know. I’m talking about partners living together who follow church’s teaching using NFP, being open to life, etc. Even if it’s out on a business trip, if a spouse were to cheat, the betrayed partner would likely feel something amiss. I say this because of the amount of effort it takes between two spouses to carry on a marriage that is faithful to church’s teachings. I think it’s because in marriages that follow church teaching the couples become more specific in their actions and conversations with each other. ( I believe it’s called lower abstraction…the details are more specific than generalized. )

Oh, and I don’t blame a bad marriage for infidelity. It rests solely on the spouse who violates their marriage vows.

You say you’ve seen alot of good children go through divorces because of little indiscretions. Having suffered what I have, and being a Catholic, I take offense to that. In a sacramental marriage, there’s no such thing as a little indiscretion. Breaking a marital vow is a grave offense, not some little indiscretion. So please don’t minimize it.

The married men who you’ve witnessed cheating, they have no respect for their wives, their children, their affair partners, not their god. (then again, they might not be Catholic so they might follow a different moral compass) But even if that’s the case, they objectify the women and people in their lives. Instead of seeing women as people whose human dignity should be respected, they see them and treat them as objects for their own selfish pleasure.

 

[momor]

Even in a valid marriage, if the oath of fidelity is broken, the injured spouse has the RIGHT to sever conjugal life. This is not meant to imply a right to remarry; the couple remain married for life. However, the catechism teaches that one is NOT required to share bed and board with an adulterous spouse.

Why does the adulterous spouse get to make that decision instead of the spouse to whom the catechism assigns the right?

So, would you rather know about an infidelity so you and your spouse could live the rest of your lives alone (and presumably miserable) but still married OR would you rather not know, if the infidelity was over and forever done with, and you could both go on happily with your marriage together? For me, the second scenario is an easier choice and one that allows for some hope in the event of human weakness.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

So, would you rather know about an infidelity so you and your spouse could live the rest of your lives alone (and presumably miserable) but still married OR would you rather not know, if the infidelity was over and forever done with, and you could both go on happily with your marriage together? For me, the second scenario is an easier choice and one that allows for some hope in the event of human weakness.

It’s my right to know and I would want to know. And I hope my spouse wouldn’t rob me of my right. I also hope there wouldn’t be a misguided priest around to tell her, that it was OK for my spouse not to tell me what happened. It’s quite disturbing that there are priests like that, giving such terrible and irresponsible advice to spouses who cheated.

I’m really sorry to hear what you have gone through, MamaJewel.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

I disagree. In my personal situation, my priest pressed me to "figure out what I wanted to believe’ about my husband’s lack of fidelity vs pressing him to be honest. My husband wasn’t fully honest with me nor the priest at that time. And it didn’t help that my priest scolded me for practicing NFP, having so many children, and recommending that we use ABC.

There are other situations that I know about where priests have discouraged the truth through direct omissions… I’m not slamming the Church. Problems don’t go away and they don’t get resolved by not acknowledging they exist, imho.

Wow, that’s bad. You were let down not only by your husband, but also by the Catholic priest. Unfortunately, priests are sometimes totally wrong, unfaithful to the teachings of the Catholic Church, and they may also show a terribly bad judgment on pastoral issues.

 

[catharina]

I disagree. In my personal situation, my priest pressed me to "figure out what I wanted to believe’ about my husband’s lack of fidelity vs pressing him to be honest. My husband wasn’t fully honest with me nor the priest at that time. And **it didn’t help that my priest scolded me for practicing NFP, having so many children, and recommending that we use ABC. **

There are other situations that I know about where priests have discouraged the truth through direct omissions… I’m not slamming the Church. Problems don’t go away and they don’t get resolved by not acknowledging they exist, imho.

I hope you can gather some energy and report that priest,
by name, parish and date to your bishop. His words to you were evil!

 

[onmyknees]

I hope you can gather some energy and report that priest,
by name, parish and date to your bishop. His words to you were evil!

Yes, I totally agree with this! What he told her to do was heresy!

 

[momor]

Re: priest not requiring a penitent to confess infidelity to spouse.

I wonder if a priest can advise anyone to confess a sin (told to them in the confessional) to another person? Although they might suggest it, I certainly would not think they could make it binding or a requirement for absolution. That seems too close to breaking the seal of the confessional.

 

[Sillara]

So, would you rather know about an infidelity so you and your spouse could live the rest of your lives alone (and presumably miserable) but still married OR would you rather not know, if the infidelity was over and forever done with, and you could both go on happily with your marriage together? For me, the second scenario is an easier choice and one that allows for some hope in the event of human weakness.

I would rather know the truth than live a lie, regardless of its cost.