Corporal punishment, tips on how to raise children

[mellowcalico]

1. Every child is different and responds differently and each child should be looked at as a specific case.

I think there is a lot of truth in this statement. I only have one child myself, but I’ve never spanked her because I don’t need to. All I need to do with her is explain how she hurt someone (or could hurt herself) and she feels badly about it. I was the same way as a kid. My parents spanked, but soon figured out that I didn’t care and it didn’t phase me one bit. But tell me that I hurt someone’s feelings, made someone sad, whatever… that guilt hurt me for days and I learned my lesson.

And the flip side, I get preferred behavior out of praise more so than anything. For example, praising my daughter for being well behaved and not fidgety during Mass makes her want to participate more next time so she gets more praise. She eats it up. The result of this is better behavior. And interestingly, it only takes a small dose of “you know better” to make in impression if it ever comes to that.

But that’s what works for me… and it works well for me. I’ve hear about kids who were the opposite (some of the posters here said that spanking was the only thing that made an impression). So each child is different.

 

[kelvinf]

Hey, but it is good to know that I’m lazy and I have bad kids!

Right, bad kids who are well-behaved in Church other than those good kids who basically control their parents.

 

[pnewton]

My cut is your kid will end up picking their punishment. You tend to do what works with that child.

This. All kids are different. Stick with what works, Try new things. Discard what doesn’t work. Last time we had to discipline my son asked if he could have a spanking instead. It is time for me to discard it.

 

[styrgwillidar]

OMG! I took my son for a flu shot and he was rolling on the floor screaming. I held him down and the nurse gave his arm a jab and he screamed afterwards for 20 minutes!!!

that was a lot more traumatic for my son than the 4 or 5 swats he has gotten on the bum since he was born. My swats don’t make him cry.

Yeah, depending on their age the pain of shots being for their own good is more difficult to grasp than getting a punishment for a choice they’ve made.

My kid was never surprised by a spanking. She understood it was her choice. She could recite the progression, “First you’ll ask me nicely, then you’ll tell me, then you’ll raise your voice, then you’ll count to three, then you’ll swat my butt.” She was argumentative and confrontational from birth and was more than willing to scream at me through the progression figuring the swat was worth it. In some ways making it a poor punishment, but in the end she’d do what she was told.
I was so happy when she became a teenager and the internet, smart phone, iPod, radio became important to her. Never could see swatting my kids over simply yelling at me, or even telling me they hated me. (For the OP, please understand you may hear this from your kid one day. Ignore it. Realize they’re a kid and trying to figure out something that will hurt you vice saying something they truly mean. If you’re going to let the opinion of a (human being at any age prior to established adulthood) get to you, parenthood may not be for you). I told her she was entitled to feel any way she wanted about me, but she would do as she was told. They feel how they feel, I’d rather they communicate with me than not. I would insist they quiet down before I’d respond though. I did take away every piece of electronic equipment a piece at a time one evening since her screaming was keeping her siblings awake. That was the last time she ever threw that kind of a fit. I guess I’m not that bad a person since she chose to keep living at home through college.

 

[Serap]

Yeah, depending on their age the pain of shots being for their own good is more difficult to grasp than getting a punishment for a choice they’ve made.

My kid was never surprised by a spanking. She understood it was her choice. She could recite the progression, “First you’ll ask me nicely, then you’ll tell me, then you’ll raise your voice, then you’ll count to three, then you’ll swat my butt.” She was argumentative and confrontational from birth and was more than willing to scream at me through the progression figuring the swat was worth it. In some ways making it a poor punishment, but in the end she’d do what she was told.
I was so happy when she became a teenager and the internet, smart phone, iPod, radio became important to her. Never could see swatting my kids over simply yelling at me, or even telling me they hated me. (For the OP, please understand you may hear this from your kid one day. Ignore it. Realize they’re a kid and trying to figure out something that will hurt you vice saying something they truly mean. If you’re going to let the opinion of a (human being at any age prior to established adulthood) get to you, parenthood may not be for you). I told her she was entitled to feel any way she wanted about me, but she would do as she was told. They feel how they feel, I’d rather they communicate with me than not. I would insist they quiet down before I’d respond though. I did take away every piece of electronic equipment a piece at a time one evening since her screaming was keeping her siblings awake. That was the last time she ever threw that kind of a fit. I guess I’m not that bad a person since she chose to keep living at home through college.

My son is 3 and already says, “I don’t love you ANYMORE!”

 

[pollynova]

Are giving injections for vaccination etc a form of abuse? That intentionally causes pain.

Getting a shot is not a form of punishment. Pain is not the goal with an injection.

 

[styrgwillidar]

My son is 3 and already says, “I don’t love you ANYMORE!”

Bright kid, already figured out that withholding love is a tool to use. That it is painful to the person it is directed at. My kid tells me she loves me every day. She still thinks I’m nuts and annoying sometimes, of course I tell her that’s my job as a father, but she loves me.

Nice thing about my oldest’s personality is that she was completely immune to peer pressure. If you think you’re always right then the opinions of others don’t influence you. Stayed away from alcohol, drugs and sex, didn’t do the boy crazy/must have boyfriend thing. Dropped some friends who did go that route. Of course, you understand that had nothing to do with her parents guidance, from her viewpoint it was despite our efforts not in any way because of them.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Getting a shot is not a form of punishment. Pain is not the goal with an injection.

Pain is not the goal of corporal punishment. Discipline and keeping the child safe is. Just like a vaccination. Stabbing the kid with a needle is a deliberate decision that causing pain is acceptable in the interests of the child’s safety.

I didn’t spank my kid because I wanted to cause pain. I spanked them because that small pain was a part of the process to keep them from running in front of and getting crushed by a car.

My daughter would run into the street without stopping to look. I tried timeouts, talking to her, etc. She would still shoot off into the street, or into a parking lot. I told her the next time she’d get a spanking. She took off into the street, I spanked her. She ran right up to the curb and stuck her foot out over the street and glared at me… but she stopped running into the street or into parking lots.

 

[ReddyFreddy]

Haven’t read any replies but here’s kind of what we do.

We do not spank. I’d like to think we never will but I don’t plan on it in the future. DD is a great kid so she makes that easy on me.
We do time-outs for hitting/biting/kicking or direct disrespect towards an authority figure. DD has always responded much better when we respond with kindness and grace. We try to set an example for her on how she should act. Of course I yell or get mad and I do apologize to her and tell her mommy is human.

DD is actually very good when we go out. I’m more firm outside of our home. I tell her what I expect of her and what is going to happen if she doesn’t comply. I always go over “rules” before we enter places to remind her.

I’m very firm in some aspects of my parenting than others. I have a very low tolerance for whining and backtalking but I’m working on how I handle it.

Parenting is something that will always change. Always go by your heart and not a book. I’m a lot less judgmental with a 3 year old than I was with a 1 year old.

 

[pollynova]

Pain is not the goal of corporal punishment. Discipline and keeping the child safe is. Just like a vaccination. Stabbing the kid with a needle is a deliberate decision that causing pain is acceptable in the interests of the child’s safety.

I didn’t spank my kid because I wanted to cause pain. I spanked them because that small pain was a part of the process to keep them from running in front of and getting crushed by a car.

My daughter would run into the street without stopping to look. I tried timeouts, talking to her, etc. She would still shoot off into the street, or into a parking lot. I told her the next time she’d get a spanking. She took off into the street, I spanked her. She ran right up to the curb and stuck her foot out over the street and glared at me… but she stopped running into the street or into parking lots.

Pain is the immediate goal with “spanking.”

 

[Serap]

Pain is not the goal of corporal punishment. Discipline and keeping the child safe is. Just like a vaccination. Stabbing the kid with a needle is a deliberate decision that causing pain is acceptable in the interests of the child’s safety.

I didn’t spank my kid because I wanted to cause pain. I spanked them because that small pain was a part of the process to keep them from running in front of and getting crushed by a car.

My daughter would run into the street without stopping to look. I tried timeouts, talking to her, etc. She would still shoot off into the street, or into a parking lot. I told her the next time she’d get a spanking. She took off into the street, I spanked her. She ran right up to the curb and stuck her foot out over the street and glared at me… but she stopped running into the street or into parking lots.

I can totally relate to Pollynova b/c she comes from a childhood of abuse and she feels very protective of other children. It’s only natural for her to feel this way.

Pollynova is an amazing young woman and I admire her very much.

I agree with everything you wrote above btw…my son is the same. All I have to do is say no to my daughter.

 

[Serap]

Haven’t read any replies but here’s kind of what we do.

We do not spank. I’d like to think we never will but I don’t plan on it in the future. DD is a great kid so she makes that easy on me.
We do time-outs for hitting/biting/kicking or direct disrespect towards an authority figure. DD has always responded much better when we respond with kindness and grace. We try to set an example for her on how she should act. Of course I yell or get mad and I do apologize to her and tell her mommy is human.

DD is actually very good when we go out. I’m more firm outside of our home. I tell her what I expect of her and what is going to happen if she doesn’t comply. I always go over “rules” before we enter places to remind her.

I’m very firm in some aspects of my parenting than others. I have a very low tolerance for whining and backtalking but I’m working on how I handle it.

Parenting is something that will always change. Always go by your heart and not a book. I’m a lot less judgmental with a 3 year old than I was with a 1 year old.

ahhh and then my son was born…

 

[Debora123]

I definitely wouldn’t go as far as to say spanking is “abuse.” I think to most people, myself included, it’s just a matter of whether or not it’s the best and most effective way to dicipline.

I got spanked when I was a kid, and then grabbed forcefully by the arm when I was in my early teens and preteen years. I don’t feel like I was abused in any way. I think I turned out just fine (though I’m sure the people here who don’t like me would beg to differ lol ).

A friend of mine just sent me a link to this radio show she listens to. She swears by it. Is anyone else here familiar with it?

lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/discipline-that-lasts-a-lifetime

 

[OxygenMan]

I almost never curse, even at my current age, and I rarely ever said anything disrespectful to my mother when I was growing up. I knew full well that I’d get quite a smack across the face if I did.

Whether that’s the best method or not, I don’t know. I can’t really speak on the subject, since I don’t have children. But it worked for me.

 

[28562]

I definitely wouldn’t go as far as to say spanking is “abuse.” I think to most people, myself included, it’s just a matter of whether or not it’s the best and most effective way to dicipline.

I got spanked when I was a kid, and then grabbed forcefully by the arm when I was in my early teens and preteen years. I don’t feel like I was abused in any way. I think I turned out just fine (though I’m sure the people here who don’t like me would beg to differ lol ).

A friend of mine just sent me a link to this radio show she listens to. She swears by it. Is anyone else here familiar with it?

lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/discipline-that-lasts-a-lifetime

I really don’t get it when people say that spanking is abuse either. There is a definite difference between spanking and beating/abuse.

The way I look at it is that my children receive direct and immediate consequences for their actions. I can tell them not to touch the breakable stuff on the shelf because it might break. And I can tell them again. And again. There are no repercussions for their actions without discipline. They might not even believe that it will break, but if they did, maybe that would be consequence enough for them to not touch it. Personally, I don’t want to correct them ten times or wait for them to break something to learn their lesson. I can tell them once…then pop their hand if they touch it again. It only takes once or twice, even fir a young child, to realize that the consequence of touching (and not listening) is immediate and not enjoyable. Then, regardless ofwhat the offense is, the next time you tell them no, they are more likely to listen, because they know the consequences of not listening.

 

[Do_Good_Then_Go]

And you know, now that I think about it - the worst behaved kids that I ever knew were spanked. They had a certain anger and defiance in them that I saw as a direct result of being physically hurt and shamed by their parents. I remember telling one mom, “Maybe he will stop hitting his little brother if you stop hitting him!”

I feel like, with kids, if we have any doubt that spanking is healthy for children - we should err on the side of caution. A parent that feels they have no other choice but to hit really just needs some help finding better ways to guide their child. Every time I have spanked one of my kids, it has been when I am personally frustrated, tired or preoccupied with something else. When I am at my best, in control, focused on my kids and feeling good - it doesn’t happen. That shows me spanking is a poor excuse for actual parenting and a lazy out for me when I’m not at the top of my game.

I think there’s a lot of truth in the bolded sentence. I don’t believe an occasional smack is abusive or harmful but usually there are better options.

Having said that, I was the best parent in the world before I actually had children. I knew it all and I could see where everyone else was going wrong, it was simple really. Then I became a parent!! The only thing in my favour is that I didn’t actually TELL anyone where they were going wrong, thank goodness I kept it to myself!

 

[28562]

Respectfully, I disagree. I believe the united front of adults which is apparently more important than justice or fairness, is what corrupts children by teaching them croneyism and manipulation (they need to manipulate because they didn’t win using fair arguments when they tried).

I think it is perfectly reasonable to assume that many problems with kids today comes from lack of discipline. I believe that a fair amount of that comes from parents being afraid to discipline because some busybody might tell on them for popping their kid in the aisle at Walmart for acting up.

As for minding one’s own business, that’s how paedophiles have got away with it for centuries.

Did you REALLY just compare spanking your kids (not abusing) and believing that raising your kids is nobody else’s business to pedophilia? That’s quite a leap there, and I’m not sure what you are getting at, other than using crazy sounding analogies.

As for, “how I see fit,” I realise it was just a figure but it’s still somewhat scary. As a thirty years old law grad, I still have nightmares from primary school connected with the arbitrariness of the “see fit”. Basically the reason why I became a lawyer. I had my head in the regs at age 10, precisely because of how adults acted. There is also a reason I specialise my research in word vs word cases. The world of adults is catastrophically devoid of fairness and children are suffering for it.

I think you are projecting your past (which sounds like it was very harsh) on everyone who believes in corporal punishment. People who were disciplined badly enough to have nightmares 20 years later are not the majority. Most parents are capable of spanking their kids without permanently damaging them, and nobody should be able to tell them they can’t do that. “How I see fit” does not give one permission to abuse your children, but it does allow individual families to decide how their children will be raised. There should be nobody outside a family, that has never met the family, deciding how it is appropriate to discipline the children. It is absolutely ludicrous to think that some nosy person in the mall or a government official should determine what I can and cannot do with my children, provided their safety, health, and security is not in jeopardy.

 

[Debora123]

(I just wanted to make one quick note that has 0 to do with the subject of this thread.)

I thought it was funny that this thread got a 1 star rating right after it went up. Literally, right after it went up! Lol.

The rating has since increased after a couple people must’ve voted 5 star, and then went down again after I evidently got a SECOND 1 star rating.

Considering there is nothing incriminating whatsoever about my Original Post, and all it did was wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day and ask for advice on disciplining my future kids, I have to conclude that the 1 star rating was a personal attack against me.

I later learned, that there is another poster on this forum who has the same issue. She’ll post a thread and it’ll get a one star rating right after it goes up… even the one where she just said Merry Christmas!

Anyway, I really don’t mean to derail this thread or anything, just wanted to give a quick shout out to the hatas. Don’t hate guys. Don’t hate. LOVE.

Have a happy day, and let’s now get back to the subject at hand!

 

[Debora123]

I think you are projecting your past (which sounds like it was very harsh) on everyone who believes in corporal punishment. People who were disciplined badly enough to have nightmares 20 years later are not the majority. Most parents are capable of spanking their kids without permanently damaging them, and nobody should be able to tell them they can’t do that. “How I see fit” does not give one permission to abuse your children, but it does allow individual families to decide how their children will be raised. There should be nobody outside a family, that has never met the family, deciding how it is appropriate to discipline the children. It is absolutely ludicrous to think that some nosy person in the mall or a government official should determine what I can and cannot do with my children, provided their safety, health, and security is not in jeopardy.

 

[Debora123]

I think insulting other people’s parenting skills because they spank/don’t spank their kids isn’t the way to go.

I’ve gotten a lot of good advice going both ways, and also gotten excellent advice from those who are saying to not make up my mind either way… just wait and see what works best on what child.

I know I can trust people here with this particular question because I know there are a lot of good parents here.