Costs of a wedding--a Christian view

[aicirt]

Yep there’s a law that says the cost of the wedding is inversely proportional to the length of the marriage.

Nothing makes me madder than cohabiting couples who say they haven’t got married yet because "we can’t afford a wedding". A wedding costs, in principle, NOTHING!

How about cohabiting couples expecting but wanting a big wedding which takes months to plan? Or cohabiting couples who have a couple of kids and haven’t gotten married because they…want the big wedding? And I know we all should be happy they are finally getting married but really. All can have a wedding…might be smaller and quickly planned but it still can be lovely.

 

[Mrs_V]

I’ve posted about this on CAF before but our wedding was in 2005 and around 700$ in TOTAL. (My dress was a 40$ prom dress I found at Ross, just as an example.) DH and I paid for everything except that my parents were sweet enough to let us use their house for the reception. Looking at old family photos, my wedding was a lot like my grandmother’s. (A small, tasteful and homemade affair.) We even found a place that would print up little mass cards for us that wasn’t very expensive.

The most expensive things were:
the church donation - 100$
the pianist - 100$
the food and wine - 160$

 

[Kat127]

I’m so sorry to read this, no church should treat their parishiners like this!!! Our church is currently facing a gigantic financial crisis, yet they were still the biggest blessing in our wedding. If it wasn’t for our church, quite frankly, we couldn’t have had a wedding!

Thank you for the kind words. The priest running the Church is fairly young. My dad told me that it takes a few years before they start to understand people and react with a little more compassion.

We tried to tell them that things were rather expensive but we just got the attitude that we should find the money. Considering we had under 50 people at the wedding, 30-40 which were family, and the reception was at my father’s house it wasn’t like we were spending a ton of money elsewhere and deciding we just didn’t “want” to give the Church money.

I got the impression they dealt with so many bridezillas and hard to deal with families they no longer saw the people standing in front of them they just saw a “problem.”

Oh well, at the end it was a beautiful day. My husband and I are married and happy.

 

[agapewolf]

Here’s the thing (IMO):
A church should not be able to charge money for a sacrament. If they do, the people responsible at the parish level should be corrected and disciplined if necessary.
In our parish, you may NOT reserve the church for a wedding that is only open to invited guests. At Catholic weddings, mass is celebrated. Therefore, no one is allowed to bar non-invited guests from entering and participating in the mass and receiving communion. And, there are only certain times that it is allowed for a wedding to be scheduled. Basically, at our parish, ANYONE could walk in off the street and witness the sacrament, participate in mass, receive communion, and celebrate with the other Christians present that two Christians are joining their lives in holy matrimony. I strongly believe that the church should always be open and unlocked and welcoming in just such a way. Private receptions are where invited guests may retire for refreshments and socializing after the sacraments have been performed.
Similarly, a church may NOT be reserved for private baptisms. The entire Body of Christ has the right to witness the sacrament of baptism being conferred upon a new Christian. Therefore, our parish will only allow baptisms during regularly scheduled Sunday masses. Also, any couple wishing to wed may say their vows during a regularly scheduled mass, and therefore, the whole parish may witness, including any extra family and friends who wish to attend.
So why parishes need to charge $$$ for reserving the church and all the extra hoopla is beyond me. The church should not be in the wedding $business$.
With regards to paying money for NFP classes, or for the premarital evaluation (can’t remember what they are called), or to go on a retreat…those are NOT wedding costs. Those are the costs to prepare for the marriage. Those dollars will probably end up being the most well-spent of all the money spent leading up to actually marrying your fiance(e).

Just becasue people can attend the public mass does not mean that the couple shouldn’t be charged for use of the church for it. It doesn’t make the heating/AC/Cleanup any cheaper.

 

[mommamaree]

Just becasue people can attend the public mass does not mean that the couple shouldn’t be charged for use of the church for it. It doesn’t make the heating/AC/Cleanup any cheaper.

What heating/AC/Cleanup? Our church is open all the time. The church is already being made comfortable for parishioners to come in (except for the middle of the night, when the little chapel next door remains unlocked and a 24hr vigil is kept). Why should the couple be charged for being in a building already being made comfortable for people to come in as they need?

 

[mommamaree]

Also, any fresh floral arrangements used in the church for the ceremony can be left for the parishioners to enjoy at subsequent masses, so no cleanup fee should be necessary for those.

 

[agapewolf]

What heating/AC/Cleanup? Our church is open all the time. The church is already being made comfortable for parishioners to come in (except for the middle of the night, when the little chapel next door remains unlocked and a 24hr vigil is kept). Why should the couple be charged for being in a building already being made comfortable for people to come in as they need?

Because most churches are not like that.

Our church is locked, and closed down when not in use, We have a perpetual adoration chapel that is open.

There is PLENTY of cleanup involved in a wedding. I’ve played music for over 160 weddings… they trash the place.

We have to come hours early, open it up and put the a/c /heat on, then stay long after keeping the system on for their pics, then clean up after them. It’s a mess.

 

[agapewolf]

Also, any fresh floral arrangements used in the church for the ceremony can be left for the parishioners to enjoy at subsequent masses, so no cleanup fee should be necessary for those.

lol…

the flowers are the least of the worries in cleaning up.

 

[mommamaree]

Because most churches are not like that.

Our church is locked, and closed down when not in use, We have a perpetual adoration chapel that is open.

There is PLENTY of cleanup involved in a wedding. I’ve played music for over 160 weddings… they trash the place.

We have to come hours early, open it up and put the a/c /heat on, then stay long after keeping the system on for their pics, then clean up after them. It’s a mess.

That’s terrible. People should be better stewards of their blessings. All decoration and cleanup was done by ME, the bride, on the day of the wedding, when I got married. I was really careful to leave the place in exactly the same condition as I found it. I had a couple of generous aunts to help me. When we left the chapel, before retiring to the reception site, I personally walked through and made sure everything was taken care of. People only had to wait an extra ten minutes to ring the bells for my groom and I as we finally left the chapel.
And WHY, please explain to me, are churches being LOCKED and shut down during the day? I really cannot fathom what reason is good enough for the churches to not be open for a good portion of each day. Business have business hours to serve their customers. Likewise a local church should have church hours where the church is open and made ready to welcome people who need to be there.

 

[agapewolf]

That’s terrible. People should be better stewards of their blessings. All decoration and cleanup was done by ME, the bride, on the day of the wedding, when I got married. I was really careful to leave the place in exactly the same condition as I found it. I had a couple of generous aunts to help me. When we left the chapel, before retiring to the reception site, I personally walked through and made sure everything was taken care of. People only had to wait an extra ten minutes to ring the bells for my groom and I as we finally left the chapel.
And WHY, please explain to me, are churches being LOCKED and shut down during the day? I really cannot fathom what reason is good enough for the churches to not be open for a good portion of each day. Business have business hours to serve their customers. Likewise a local church should have church hours where the church is open and made ready to welcome people who need to be there.

First of all, I said we had an adoration chapel

There is theft and vadnalism. My own church, during holy week, had music equipment stolen out of it.

Not everything nor everyone lives in mayberry, this is real life.

There are very good reasons, especially in light of the wedding industry today, that churches charge for the use of the building. This is NOT charging for the sacrament, as has been said before. a couple can easily get married in a mass that is already scheduled for nothing.

But when they want to rent out a building, that costs something.

 

[mommamaree]

a couple can easily get married in a mass that is already scheduled for nothing.

But when they want to rent out a building, that costs something.

These two points helped. To the first, I forgot that it was you who mentioned that earlier. I agreed earlier.

To the second, couples in our parish may NOT rent out the building, period. I mentioned that earlier, too.

And I DO live in mayberry! Or something pretty much like it, anyway!

 

[PatriceA]

That’s terrible. People should be better stewards of their blessings. All decoration and cleanup was done by ME, the bride, on the day of the wedding, when I got married. I was really careful to leave the place in exactly the same condition as I found it. I had a couple of generous aunts to help me. When we left the chapel, before retiring to the reception site, I personally walked through and made sure everything was taken care of. People only had to wait an extra ten minutes to ring the bells for my groom and I as we finally left the chapel.
And WHY, please explain to me, are churches being LOCKED and shut down during the day? I really cannot fathom what reason is good enough for the churches to not be open for a good portion of each day. Business have business hours to serve their customers. Likewise a local church should have church hours where the church is open and made ready to welcome people who need to be there.

Vandalism, and a skeleton church staff is one reason many churches are locked during the day. Many churches just are not in the greatest of neighborhoods. There is not enough people to watch the building for people that want to cause chaos and damage. Many of the parishes around my diocese are consolidated and some church buildings may be only used once a week for a mass, with no staff around the rest of the week.

Its not always to shut people out, but to protect what is in, especially the tabernacle.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

It has taken about 13 years to recover from the trauma of my wedding!!!

Because the equation:

1 Italian American Bride + 1 Italian American Groom / 2 Italian American MIL’s X endless Italian American relatives is an equation that Einstein himself cannot handle. :whacky:

Looking at the video, the ceremony part was really beautiful (although I have amnesia about it) I remember waiting to come down the aisle with Dad, and not hearing any music and thinking, “Where is the Music”. Organist was right where he should be.

The reception was spent with photographer, greeting all the guests (you got to make sure you greet everyone, because afterwards you get, “Aunt Filomena says you skipped her table, and she came all the way from Hoboken with a taxi that broke down half way to the catering hall and she had to get Uncle Luigi to come get her, and of course they haven’t spoken for 3 years.”)

We look at the video, with all the people that “You need to invite because, they invited us to theirs and they sat us with the Godmother of the Bride. How can we not invite them?” And wonder, “Who is that…we haven’t seen them in 13 years.”

Just sharing…

 

[agapewolf]

These two points helped. To the first, I forgot that it was you who mentioned that earlier. I agreed earlier.

To the second, couples in our parish may NOT rent out the building, period. I mentioned that earlier, too.

And I DO live in mayberry! Or something pretty much like it, anyway!

And you are giving your opinion with “all/nothing” type statements saying they should apply to everyone, based on your opinion of your own experience and town.

My point is, its not like that, really. Again, I’ve played over 160 weddings, at least 25 different churches.

 

[Julianna]

It has taken about 13 years to recover from the trauma of my wedding!!!

Because the equation:

1 Italian American Bride + 1 Italian American Groom / 2 Italian American MIL’s X endless Italian American relatives is an equation that Einstein himself cannot handle. :whacky:

Looking at the video, the ceremony part was really beautiful (although I have amnesia about it) I remember waiting to come down the aisle with Dad, and not hearing any music and thinking, “Where is the Music”. Organist was right where he should be.

The reception was spent with photographer, greeting all the guests (you got to make sure you greet everyone, because afterwards you get, “Aunt Filomena says you skipped her table, and she came all the way from Hoboken with a taxi that broke down half way to the catering hall and she had to get Uncle Luigi to come get her, and of course they haven’t spoken for 3 years.”)

We look at the video, with all the people that “You need to invite because, they invited us to theirs and they sat us with the Godmother of the Bride. How can we not invite them?” And wonder, “Who is that…we haven’t seen them in 13 years.”

Just sharing…

You’ve got that right. The guilt never ends. Most of my dads sister’s didn’t come because tot them South Carolina was another country and too far to travel from Massachusetts. Hey, saved me money for sure. I didn’t have the high dollar Godfather receptions that all my cousins had and the high Mass that went with it. And although I dreamed of the big Italian wedding…I look back after 29 years and realize I am just as married and just as happy. I was concerned about having, dare I say, “alcohol” at the reception because my mom’s side of the family is Baptist. Father R suggested two labeled punch bowls, but he did say…“the Catholic punch bowl will have to be refilled on a frequent basis”. True that. We ended up going to the liquor store and buying 1/2 gallon of a few choice brands and some mixers. (make your own and when it runs out…oh well ).

The Church I was married in is much like mommaree described. Although we did choose a private Baptism for both the kids. It was difficult, but not impossible. The priest that married us moved to a parish on the beach…and we wanted him to Baptize our son. Our daughter was Baptized in the Church we were married in, and Msgnr did the Baptism for us…(I think Fr. L was a bit miffed, because we didn’t want to do it during Mass). We made a donation to the Church each time…and there was never any mention of a “use fee” to use the Church. The parish hall charged a fee…but we were more comfortable having all the receptions at my parents home or in the case of the Christenings…at our home.

I married an Irishman…so alcohol was at the reception. It was a small wedding and small reception…and you know…it was great. A good time was had by all. My husband recorded several hours of music on his Akai reel to reel. (hey, it was 1981). Dad, my husband and my brother built a raised floor in the backyard for dancing.

There is no reason to spend oodles of money on a reception. For our 30th anniversary next year…we are having a “pig pickin” in the back yard. Ya’ll come!

 

[faithfully]

I think the issue at hand should be what can you pay for and NOT finance. And then what kind of controls are placed on the situation. If parents are going to invite biz partners… that’s their problem if they are paying for it. (they will probably also write that off)

My dad actually gave me a 10k CASH budget. I spent 7k of that. I shopped my gown at a rack sale. Got a 3k dress for $300.00 (3k is INSANE… to me). I had a maid of Honor (best friend), and 1 brides maid (sister). Their dresses were purchased at Nordstroms. I bought them both. I was the MOH at my friends wedding 3 weeks later. She bought my dress. (and I have only agreed to one other wedding… My sister’s… That’s it!)

Flowers… Well, My church is so beautiful. It does not NEED flowers. I purchased some small standing arrangements, that were then transferred to the reception. (this was ok with the church). I had some simple handmade decorations. My flowers were most expensive. My MOF and BM carried beautiful long stem roses. So delicate.

I had an evening, quite formal wedding. It started at 6pm. Know what that means? People have already eaten DINNER. So, we had a lovely inexpensive buffet. And a No Host bar. Although we served Champagne for the toast. Local cake lady made a delish cake that cost $100.00

We had 100 guests. We split the invites something like 1/3 were mine and DH’s guests, the other 1/3 his parents, the balance 1/3 my parents. I did have to argue with other family memebers that felt they could invite who they wanted. Grandma had a list of people I had NEVER met. Sorry, if they didn’t care to meet me before my wedding, Dad does not need to finance the introduction.

I bargain shopped everything. Since traditionally, the groom’s parents host and pay for the rehearsal dinner we left it to them. I was fine with a BBQ in my parents backyard. They wanted a dinner… and THEY invited extra guests.

My in-laws also purchased our plane tickets to destination of our choice. Maui. The shopped them for months, and got a great deal. We stayed at a sister hotel to the one my DH was working at. And we paid $40/night. We actually went on our Honeymoon with $500.00 cash. And NOTHING else

We financed rings (not part of the 10k budget) that we could pay off with our existing income in 2 years.

Dad picked the photographer. That’s the ONE thing I would have liked a little different. Oh well, with today’s tech. I can FINALLY get the photos I really wanted…LOL!

Church music supplied by my childhood piano teacher and her husband.

We hired a DJ (who also happened to be part of “the family”)… We danced the night away.

And my ONE RULE… I was going to enjoy that day and remember EVERYTHING. I know too many brides that stress to the day, and remember and enjoy nothing! To Bad. I started the day with a massage. Getting my hair done. Took time with my make - up. Helped Dad with his Tux… I remember it ALL! The best day of my life until the day I gave birth to my gorgeous kiddos (A PG that totalled OVER $100,000 Thank GOD for insurance!)

I do think it’s crazy to go into debt for a wedding. But I see nothing wrong with spending what you can. And yes, I wonder about these people that spend thousands upon thousands. $20,000 is an average. It’s not the crazy top! DH works in this industry. He’s seen dresses that start at 20k…

 

[mommamaree]

And you are giving your opinion with “all/nothing” type statements saying they should apply to everyone, based on your opinion of your own experience and town.

My point is, its not like that, really. Again, I’ve played over 160 weddings, at least 25 different churches.

Hey, I meant no offense. Sorry if I came across that way. I am just popping over to the computer to look at this thread and your comments when I stop for a break. I did say that it was my opinion, so I wasn’t trying to express binding law or anything. If I was being too glib or casual with my replies and it has ruffled your or anyone else’s feathers, then I am very sorry! I didn’t realize people were being more serious in this thread. I was reading it as a place where people were just spitballing ideas and opinions. My apologies if that was an incorrect assumption. I’ll leave this thread alone then, so that people who are seriously trying to address the problem may do so. My best wishes.

 

[Auburn88]

The article provided by the link below looks at the financial reality of weddings today, asking, in view of their cost and the debt created, what are weddings supposed to celebrate? For this article, go to
www.catholicpf.com/?p=103

I’d be surprised if we spent 2 grand on our wedding. We got married on the beach, my wife wore her grandmother’s wedding dress, the “catering” was done by my mother and grandmother and my sister, my dad and my grandfather built the dance floor and everything else, my wife’s sisters and my sisters decorated everything, the photographer was a friend of ours, and some friends of mine who have a band volunteered to play for free(jimmyandtheparrots.com/intropage.cfm).

Our only real expense was the honeymoon (and even much of that was free, since we have a family member in the travel agency business).

 

[Fidelia]

I know I’m coming a little late to the thread, but my fiance and I are planning our wedding for next year and can’t believe the costs associated with the Church.

We are on a tight budget, want to be practical, and not begin our marriage by going into debt. We are conscioualy planning things to be simple, and not an ego-centric show of ourselves because that it not what we believe in doing.

Sure, we can cut corners on other things to lower costs, like not having an expensive reception, not buying an expensive dress, doing an affordable honeymoon, etc. But when the Church itself costs money, plus having to pay a fee for the organist and the cantor, the cost of pre-cana, etc. it feels like we’re trapped.

I don’t know of other sacraments costing money. Heck, if you had to pay for confession, no one would go.

It’s just that even though we are making conscious efforts not to be extravagant, and to keep it nice, tasteful and simple, it still becomes overwhelming when thinking about what things cost, and even more so when the our church surprisingly makes getting married cost more than we expected.

 

[agapewolf]

I know I’m coming a little late to the thread, but my fiance and I are planning our wedding for next year and can’t believe the costs associated with the Church.

We are on a tight budget, want to be practical, and not begin our marriage by going into debt. We are conscioualy planning things to be simple, and not an ego-centric show of ourselves because that it not what we believe in doing.

Sure, we can cut corners on other things to lower costs, like not having an expensive reception, not buying an expensive dress, doing an affordable honeymoon, etc. But when the Church itself costs money, plus having to pay a fee for the organist and the cantor, the cost of pre-cana, etc. it feels like we’re trapped.

I don’t know of other sacraments costing money. Heck, if you had to pay for confession, no one would go.

It’s just that even though we are making conscious efforts not to be extravagant, and to keep it nice, tasteful and simple, it still becomes overwhelming when thinking about what things cost, and even more so when the our church surprisingly makes getting married cost more than we expected.

The sacrament doesn’t cost money. You can have your wedding during a regularly scheduled mass for free. You are paying to rent out a building.

And btw, paying for a musician is not with the church— the musician gets paid for a service because they are providing a service…just as your florist or dj, or caterer. Just because they may be priced together, they still deserve a just wage for their services.

Pre-cana costs is not paying for the sacament, you are paying for the cost of pre-cana.