Courting

[billcu1]

True, it would be a bit odd for a 46 year old man to ask a young woman’s parents for permission.

When you say you don’t leave bars with girls, does that mean you’ll hang around the bar as long as there are girls there?

You mean a 46 yo man is too old for a 23 yo girl. Hum… I guess that would be up to the girl. I wouldn’t get my hopes up much. But I’ve talked to a very few pretty mature young women.

 

[Xantippe]

You mean a 46 yo man is too old for a 23 yo girl. Hum… I guess that would be up to the girl. I wouldn’t get my hopes up much. But I’ve talked to a very few pretty mature young women.

A sensible 23-year-old is rarely interested in a 46-year-old.

 

[billcu1]

Sta yaway from the bar and try the square dancing. Sober women ted to have better memories.

I don’t do any dancing. And when I used to go to a night club and we don’t have any anymore, it’s not for romantic “hook ups”. Yeah the bar women are usually looking for drugs, drink and maybe sex. All I don’t want to be interested in.

 

[billcu1]

A sensible 23-year-old is rarely interested in a 46-year-old.

Yeah that’s unfortunate for me. There are few women my age I am looking at. All married. Look old from smoking all the time. And might have some sense. Then again might not.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Just curious, have you tried any Catholic online dating? I’ve heard it can be just as secularized as IRL dating but there have also been some marriages come out of it.

If I ever met a good man, I would love to be courted rather than go through dating anymore. Dating for me has never been much of a positive experience. I’m awkward on dates and I think guys probably get weird impressions of me that wouldn’t happen if we got to know each other in more comfortable settings. One thing I’ve made up my mind about is that if I do decide to become more active in meeting men, I want to do so in the context of an activity rather than blind dates or singles’ dances where the atmosphere feels too intensely focused on attempting to get to know the other person but without any other subject matter to talk about that’s less threatening, if you see what I mean.

Since I’m in my 50s, marriage for the purpose of raising a family is no longer possible, so the focus turns to marriage for companionship (or maybe I’d be a stepmom/stepgrandma). I would love to have a good Catholic man as a life partner and companion, if God has a late marriage vocation in mind for me. I’m discerning that still, and at peace with my single life - in a pretty good position to go either way and no pressure. Some loose ends to work on - debt and such, that would be best to get out of the way before attempting any serious marriage discernment.

But that’s the IF part of whether I decide to pursue marriage. Back to the HOW part, which is the topic of this thread. I’ve never been one to date as a recreational sport, definitely not looking for hookups or cohabitation or any of that nonsense. So I would like to be courted by a like-minded gentleman. The only sad thing is that I have no immediate family. At my age, that matters less in terms of safeguarding my innocence - I’m capable of doing that! But it would be lovely, I think, to have the closeness of family during the experience. Our society has lost touch with that intergenerational dimension and I think lost a lot of richness as a result.

Well, if I do ever discern that hypothetical marriage vocation, meet that great Catholic guy, and enter into courtship, I’ll just have to draw upon my memories of my family members and know in my heart that they’d wish me well if the guy were the one God intended for me and I for him.

 

[E_7]

A sensible 23-year-old is rarely interested in a 46-year-old.

I agree.

A girl in her early 30s can still bear children (if that’s a concern to the OP, I imagine that he would like to become a dad if he wants to court).

In my opinion, only my opinion, Courting is when you get to know a person in order to marry. Dating is, again in my opinion, to be in a relationship without thinking nor considering marrying the person, resulting in a waste of time.

 

[billcu1]

Just curious, have you tried any Catholic online dating? I’ve heard it can be just as secularized as IRL dating but there have also been some marriages come out of it.

If I ever met a good man, I would love to be courted rather than go through dating anymore. Dating for me has never been much of a positive experience. I’m awkward on dates and I think guys probably get weird impressions of me that wouldn’t happen if we got to know each other in more comfortable settings. One thing I’ve made up my mind about is that if I do decide to become more active in meeting men, I want to do so in the context of an activity rather than blind dates or singles’ dances where the atmosphere feels too intensely focused on attempting to get to know the other person but without any other subject matter to talk about that’s less threatening, if you see what I mean.

Since I’m in my 50s, marriage for the purpose of raising a family is no longer possible, so the focus turns to marriage for companionship (or maybe I’d be a stepmom/stepgrandma). I would love to have a good Catholic man as a life partner and companion, if God has a late marriage vocation in mind for me. I’m discerning that still, and at peace with my single life - in a pretty good position to go either way and no pressure. Some loose ends to work on - debt and such, that would be best to get out of the way before attempting any serious marriage discernment.

But that’s the IF part of whether I decide to pursue marriage. Back to the HOW part, which is the topic of this thread. I’ve never been one to date as a recreational sport, definitely not looking for hookups or cohabitation or any of that nonsense. So I would like to be courted by a like-minded gentleman. The only sad thing is that I have no immediate family. At my age, that matters less in terms of safeguarding my innocence - I’m capable of doing that! But it would be lovely, I think, to have the closeness of family during the experience. Our society has lost touch with that intergenerational dimension and I think lost a lot of richness as a result.

Well, if I do ever discern that hypothetical marriage vocation, meet that great Catholic guy, and enter into courtship, I’ll just have to draw upon my memories of my family members and know in my heart that they’d wish me well if the guy were the one God intended for me and I for him.

I’m sorry to hear you have no immediate family. That’s where it all starts. The thing is when dealing with younger women they’re usually looking at older men if they are even considering that, for sex. No real lasting relationship. For me a woman doesn’t have to be Catholic but needs to accept it. We aren’t required to marry Catholics only. You might too want to check Marriage is about having a family. I do know that if you are absolutely against children the church will not marry you. But in your situation IDK.

As for online dating I do not mess with it. It’s texting back and forth and you never meet anyone. It is very difficult (at least for me) and I really don’t care for it.

When it comes to younger women, now IDK about younger men. They are looking for notches on the bedpost. The women are either 1) Disgusted by the thought of an older man and it's no way 2) Some young women are bored with men their own age and might be interested in an older man 3) Women who don't care about age at all.

 Women do consider their safety. And there's good cause for that of course. That's why I would only meet in public places.

Online dating IMO is a rip off.

 

[billcu1]

I agree.

A girl in her early 30s can still bear children (if that’s a concern to the OP, I imagine that he would like to become a dad if he wants to court).

In my opinion, only my opinion, Courting is when you get to know a person in order to marry. Dating is, again in my opinion, to be in a relationship without thinking nor considering marrying the person, resulting in a waste of time.

Certainly not in a lasting relationship. Unless she’s one of those who don’t care about age.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I’m sorry to hear you have no immediate family. That’s where it all starts. The thing is when dealing with younger women they’re usually looking at older men if they are even considering that, for sex. No real lasting relationship. For me a woman doesn’t have to be Catholic but needs to accept it. We aren’t required to marry Catholics only. **You might too want to check Marriage is about having a family. I do know that if you are absolutely against children the church will not marry you. But in your situation IDK. **

Online dating IMO is a rip off.

My situation is that I am completely infertile. I had a complete hysterectomy at 46 due to a tumor that fortunately was not cancerous. I’m not against children, I just can’t have any biological ones of my own.

I think online dating might help when a person is in a demographic where it’s harder to meet a pool of people, but everyone’s mileage may vary. Sometimes it’s just hard to find anyone, period.

 

[jaimeleglise]

I can’t help myself. When I hear the word “courting” I automatically think of the Duggars.

 

[PolarGuy]

Happily married guy here, who dated (not courted) his wife.

I have all sorts of issues with “courting.” In no real order:

–It’s hard enough to meet someone nice as it is; if you artificially limit your pool to women who will only court, you are further narrowing the pool of potential spouses for no good reason. Phrased differently, if you meet someone nice are you **really going to not date her only because she doesn’t meet some preconceived notion of how unmarried people get to know one another?

–I envision courting as some sort of overly rigid way of behaving. I think the guy will come off as overly controlling.

–When a man says “I want to court,” I don’t think, “he’s holy.” I think things like, “he has no concept of how to date;” or “he can’t meet anyone.”

–Along the same lines, I think desire to court hides other issues, i.e., social awkwardness, shyness, etc., which might hinder dating, but which can be hidden by an overly controlled, rigid environment. Phrased differently, men are courting because they are lousy at the interpersonal aspects of dating that women find attractive.

–I think it can be borne of a maudlin belief that “it was better in the old days.” If I were a woman and a guy thought like this, I’d wonder: “Does he want me to drive a car? Have my own credit cards? We didn’t have those in 1850 either.”

 

[Xantippe]

My feeling about this is that you generally need to date in order to figure out who to court.

The standard modern courtship approach ignores the fact that one needs to first find somebody to court.

 

[E_7]

My feeling about this is that you generally need to date in order to figure out who to court.

The standard modern courtship approach ignores the fact that one needs to first find somebody to court.

+1 Good point.

 

[Kelfa28]

I agree.

A girl in her early 30s can still bear children (if that’s a concern to the OP, I imagine that he would like to become a dad if he wants to court).

In my opinion, only my opinion, Courting is when you get to know a person in order to marry. Dating is, again in my opinion, to be in a relationship without thinking nor considering marrying the person, resulting in a waste of time.

I disagree.

I definitely “dated” my husband. We dated for 3 years and got married. I knew I wanted to marry him almost immediately and this was years before I converted.

I think terminology has very little to do with it and results in sweeping generalizations that everyone who dates only wants sex.

Or, even worse, this notion that I’ve seen on this forum, that if you “date” you want sex immediately and have no interest in a relationship that may lead to marriage.

I think it’s a shame that secular women are portrayed this way when the opposite is true.

I was secular before I converted. Yes, I was sexually active before I got married. But, I think there is a huge difference between women who do sleep with a man on the first night and a woman who wants to get married and be in a serious relationship.

I think most women…especially most secular women…want to get married and not just mess around.
They are just confused as to how to go about it.

Women don’t court. They date. I don’t think anyone really knows what courting is or how to behave during it.

Women who are asked out on a date are much more receptive then if they were asked to “be courted” or however the terminology is used.

Also…trying to find a woman who is under the age of 25, is interested in a man who is over the age of 35 (and that is seriously pushing the age limit…I think it’s closer to 30), is a virgin and a devote Catholic just doesn’t exist. They are the equivalent of finding a unicorn.
An impossibility to find.

 

[Xantippe]

I disagree.

I definitely “dated” my husband. We dated for 3 years and got married. I knew I wanted to marry him almost immediately and this was years before I converted.

I think terminology has very little to do with it and results in sweeping generalizations that everyone who dates only wants sex.

Or, even worse, this notion that I’ve seen on this forum, that if you “date” you want sex immediately and have no interest in a relationship that may lead to marriage.

I think it’s a shame that secular women are portrayed this way when the opposite is true.

I was secular before I converted. Yes, I was sexually active before I got married. But, I think there is a huge difference between women who do sleep with a man on the first night and a woman who wants to get married and be in a serious relationship.

I think most women…especially most secular women…want to get married and not just mess around.
They are just confused as to how to go about it.

Women don’t court. They date. I don’t think anyone really knows what courting is or how to behave during it.
**
Women who are asked out on a date are much more receptive then if they were asked to “be courted” or however the terminology is used.**

Also…trying to find a woman who is under the age of 25, is interested in a man who is over the age of 35 (and that is seriously pushing the age limit…I think it’s closer to 30), is a virgin and a devote Catholic just doesn’t exist. They are the equivalent of finding a unicorn.
An impossibility to find.

Yes. One critique I’ve often heard is that it makes everything too big a deal too soon.

Here’s a cute video explaining the difference between dating and courting:

youtube.com/watch?v=pwA6_XyvLFU

 

[billcu1]

My feeling about this is that you generally need to date in order to figure out who to court.

The standard modern courtship approach ignores the fact that one needs to first find somebody to court.

How to meet someone. Yeah I admit I have that problem. And there’s been times I’ve been glad of it. Sometimes not. Dealing with women at large to me is not a delectable concept. Not with the women I’m thinking of anyway. I don’t want someone who smokes constantly so I can’t breathe. Or is shooting Heroin or pot. No not even that. If you can stay away from that in my town consider yourself blessed.

 

[billcu1]

I disagree.

I definitely “dated” my husband. We dated for 3 years and got married. I knew I wanted to marry him almost immediately and this was years before I converted.

I think terminology has very little to do with it and results in sweeping generalizations that everyone who dates only wants sex.

Or, even worse, this notion that I’ve seen on this forum, that if you “date” you want sex immediately and have no interest in a relationship that may lead to marriage.

I think it’s a shame that secular women are portrayed this way when the opposite is true.

I was secular before I converted. Yes, I was sexually active before I got married. But, I think there is a huge difference between women who do sleep with a man on the first night and a woman who wants to get married and be in a serious relationship.

I think most women…especially most secular women…want to get married and not just mess around.
They are just confused as to how to go about it.

Women don’t court. They date. I don’t think anyone really knows what courting is or how to behave during it.

Women who are asked out on a date are much more receptive then if they were asked to “be courted” or however the terminology is used.

Also…trying to find a woman who is under the age of 25, is interested in a man who is over the age of 35 (and that is seriously pushing the age limit…I think it’s closer to 30), is a virgin and a devote Catholic just doesn’t exist. They are the equivalent of finding a unicorn.
An impossibility to find.

The women I’ve come across, well if anything could be done right they’d miss it. If anything wrong they’d hit the nail on the head. My idea of meeting a women as a potential mate isn’t looking at someone who’s eyes are watery and have the sniffs from dope. Or meeting over a needle. I’ve never done drugs don’t want to be around them and when it comes up I’m gone. That’s just a deal breaker.

 

[billcu1]

Yes. One critique I’ve often heard is that it makes everything too big a deal too soon.

Here’s a cute video explaining the difference between dating and courting:

youtube.com/watch?v=pwA6_XyvLFU

Well if I met a good woman. Catholic or not, 23 or 40 and I would be dating her and you court cause it got serious I would be interested in marriage. Some run away and want to have sex. Some want to waste valuable time. If there were no problems after so long a time I’d be looking to tie the knot.

 

[billcu1]

The young men I know tip me on the best way to meet women. And they claim to be well known around town. The single word they use is “Drugs”.

 

[billcu1]

Yes. One critique I’ve often heard is that it makes everything too big a deal too soon.

Here’s a cute video explaining the difference between dating and courting:

youtube.com/watch?v=pwA6_XyvLFU

I think this young woman is making the courting term. Overly complicated. Asking parents permission. Yeah a no no. Being in public places at first sounds good to me.