Dating a non-virgin: Yes or no.

[Catholic_Lady]

I am married now, but I was a virgin before I was married and at the time it was very important for me to find someone who was also a virgin. I know it can’t be held against a person if they repent to pre marital sex, but I still wanted my first time to be my husband’s first time too.

 

[Sarcelle]

I am married now, but I was a virgin before I was married and at the time it was very important for me to find someone who was also a virgin. I know it can’t be held against a person if they repent to pre marital sex, but I still wanted my first time to be my husband’s first time too.

Nothing wrong with that. It is well within your rights to choose a fellow virgin as a spouse.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Lets just say as a unmarried 31 year old guy who has not been completely chaste in my past, I would not shoot myself in the foot by deciding I only want to marry a virgin. They are out there but I am not going to pass over a great woman just because she made a mistake in the past. Just like I do not want to be penalized for my past.

 

[AdamP88]

I am married now, but I was a virgin before I was married and at the time it was very important for me to find someone who was also a virgin. I know it can’t be held against a person if they repent to pre marital sex, but I still wanted my first time to be my husband’s first time too.

I think that’s probably what everyone wants deep down. But was that your number one criteria? If your husband wasn’t a virgin when he met you would you have written him off?

 

[Catholic_Lady]

I think that’s probably what everyone wants deep down. But was that your number one criteria? If your husband wasn’t a virgin when he met you would you have written him off?

Well I was only 19 years old when I began dating the man I would end up marrying. So when I say I was looking for a virgin during my single days, I was still really young.

I doubt it would have been a deal breaker if while dating my husband, I had found out he wasn’t a virgin, but it would have been devastating, difficult to deal with, and a huge turn off. But I’m sure I would have ended up marrying him anyway.

 

[AdamP88]

Of course. But a marital physical relationship is like a fine wine. It gets much better over time. The first days are exciting and new but often clumsy. it is good to be patient and have reasonable expectations.

Yes, As I posted earlier. I don’t believe there really is a comparison between any pre-marital stuff and sex within the sacrament of matrimony with a spouse that you love and trust and are joined to forever. I don’t know this. But I’m taking it on good authority from people who have had to work through these issues and come out the other side.

 

[ela2]

I am married now, but I was a virgin before I was married and at the time it was very important for me to find someone who was also a virgin. I know it can’t be held against a person if they repent to pre marital sex, but I still wanted my first time to be my husband’s first time too.

This is exactly like me. I voted no because of this.

 

[AdamP88]

To people who voted “No”.

Are you saying that virginity was so important on your list of requirements for a spouse that you wouldn’t even consider a person who had a sexual history even if you’d been on dates with them and actually liked them? And if they’d genuinely repented of what sins they’d committed and were living a chaste life?

I don’t understand why anyone would just write someone off for this reason.

I do understand that it could hurt and be hard to get over. But I don’t see why anyone would make it a dealbreaker.

 

[Jelrak_TB]

To people who voted “No”.

Are you saying that virginity was so important on your list of requirements for a spouse that you wouldn’t even consider a person who had a sexual history even if you’d been on dates with them and actually liked them? And if they’d genuinely repented of what sins they’d committed and were living a chaste life?

I don’t understand why anyone would just write someone off for this reason.

I do understand that it could hurt and be hard to get over. But I don’t see why anyone would make it a dealbreaker.

I voted no for 2 main reasons.

1. The first being that I am already married and therefore would not date anyone–virgin or not.
2. The second is that I began dating when I was 15 and so was fairly used to using virginity as an indicator of propriety. Essentially those who were out to use their ability to “make people” as a source of amusement were beneath contempt. Sex seemed a serious business and I did not see those who had such short-sighted ambitions that made one day apparently unrelated to the next to be even worth considering. I even had a very close friend who wished to go out with me, but I told her quite clearly that I would not even consider dating someone who was not pure…that there was not even any real purpose in making the attempt…this in spite of the fact that I admired her greatly.

I equally did not appreciate the idea of potentially inheriting some of the diseases accrued through their lack of foresight or self-control…I felt that there may even be pathogens to which they could be unaware of playing host even for several years due to a lack of obvious symptoms.

So I voted No.

…and yet there is more to this story.

For the girl I did decide to court was indeed a virgin when we first met and began to get to know one another, but she was subsequently assaulted by a prison inmate on day-parole only a handful of months later.

Further, she was given a life-long, life-threatening disease as a result of the individual having been an intravenous drug abuser.

She had not yet been given her diagnosis prior to our engagement, but when she did learn of it, in spite of her own personal devastation at the news, she showed her greatest concern towards me by offering to sever our relationship so that I should not have to suffer through the potential complications of such an ordeal.

…and it was at that moment that I recognized my previous superficiality. For how could one claim to truly care for someone deeply and yet show it only by reacting to physical scars? How could one equate such traits as being of paramount importance when the heart and the mind were what made a person rather than the body? Indeed, in realizing such things, how could I then do anything other than to answer her plea with one of my own? For as she insisted that I take a new path I finally broke through to her by demanding that she not force me to abandon her…for what then would be the point of all that I had once valued if it equated to the possibility of my leaving one whom I loved at the very moment when they were most in need? The very test of a firm commitment to the vow we had already been prepared to make was at hand…to see one another through good times and bad, through sickness and health…how could it be both true that I was willing to make such an oath and yet equally unready to follow through in actual practice?

So while I may have voted No for the sake of the poll, I in actual fact voted Yes…

 

[jmjZelie]

I voted no for 2 main reasons.

1. The first being that I am already married and therefore would not date anyone–virgin or not.
2. The second is that I began dating when I was 15 and so was fairly used to using virginity as an indicator of propriety. Essentially those who were out to use their ability to “make people” as a source of amusement were beneath contempt. Sex seemed a serious business and I did not see those who had such short-sighted ambitions that made one day apparently unrelated to the next to be even worth considering. I even had a very close friend who wished to go out with me, but I told her quite clearly that I would not even consider dating someone who was not pure…that there was not even any real purpose in making the attempt…this in spite of the fact that I admired her greatly.

I equally did not appreciate the idea of potentially inheriting some of the diseases accrued through their lack of foresight or self-control…I felt that there may even be pathogens to which they could be unaware of playing host even for several years due to a lack of obvious symptoms.

So I voted No.

…and yet there is more to this story.

For the girl I did decide to court was indeed a virgin when we first met and began to get to know one another, but she was subsequently assaulted by a prison inmate on day-parole only a handful of months later.

Further, she was given a life-long, life-threatening disease as a result of the individual having been an intravenous drug abuser.

She had not yet been given her diagnosis prior to our engagement, but when she did learn of it, in spite of her own personal devastation at the news, she showed her greatest concern towards me by offering to sever our relationship so that I should not have to suffer through the potential complications of such an ordeal.

…and it was at that moment that I recognized my previous superficiality. For how could one claim to truly care for someone deeply and yet show it only by reacting to physical scars? How could one equate such traits as being of paramount importance when the heart and the mind were what made a person rather than the body? Indeed, in realizing such things, how could I then do anything other than to answer her plea with one of my own? For as she insisted that I take a new path I finally broke through to her by demanding that she not force me to abandon her…for what then would be the point of all that I had once valued if it equated to the possibility of my leaving one whom I loved at the very moment when they were most in need? The very test of a firm commitment to the vow we had already been prepared to make was at hand…to see one another through good times and bad, through sickness and health…how could it be both true that I was willing to make such an oath and yet equally unready to follow through in actual practice?

So while I may have voted No for the sake of the poll, I in actual fact voted Yes…

Wow Jelrak. What a beautiful testimony. Thank you for sharing that. God bless you and your wife.

 

[TK421]

Marrying a virgin isn’t imporant to me. The woman l marry - whoever she is - is a sinner one way or another. The particular sins are academic. “He who breaks one law breaks the entire law”. And frankly, I have neither the time nor the patience to hold such a standard. When I’m in a relationship with an orthodox, loving woman, I’m seizing it like a hawk. She will be my lioness on the fleeting battlefield of life. Today I’m alive. Tomorrow I’m dead.

I’m a virgin myself but I won’t share this unless she asks, and either way, I’ve committed impurity in my heart many times. I am an adulterer and a murderer.

 

[Catholic_Lady]

Awesome post, Jelrak

 

[EasterJoy]

Convents and seminaries will typically accept novices who have given away their innocence in a serious way but have maintained continence for a period of time, such as three years, indicating that they are capable of fidelity and a life of sobriety. This seems reasonable to me.

 

[Xantippe]

Convents and seminaries will typically accept novices who have maintained continence for a period of time, such as three years, indicating that they are capable of fidelity and a life of sobriety. This seems reasonable to me.

Yes.

 

[peter26]

To be honest, I am seriously considering a celibate life in any event, but assuming I didn’t go down that road, I think the main consideration would be attitude. Once or twice years ago and regret it is different from has relatively recently and finds little wrong with it. So I guess I’d be a “maybe” depending on the circumstances. But like I say, I kind of doubt I will have to make that choice.

 

[ela2]

I voted no because

1. Sex is a big deal to me. It’s a whole different thing if they are or become a victim of a sexual assault. Besides, since I was evaluating three vocations, I did not feel the need to narrow down my list of what I was looking for in a spouse.
2. I know myself, I’m a jealous person and it would have been very hard for me to get over it. Eventually I would have but it would have taken a long time. It’s neither fair nor pleasant for the other person (after marriage) to go through fights over this. Ps: I’m talking about myself here, of course I applaud those who have gotten over or had no issue with their spouse being a non virgin.

 

[Catholic_Lady]

1. I know myself, I’m a jealous person and it would have been very hard for me to get over it. Eventually I would have but it would have taken a long time. It’s neither fair nor pleasant for the other person (after marriage) to go through fights over this. Ps: I’m talking about myself here, of course I applaud those who have gotten over or had no issue with their spouse being a non virgin.

Same here.

I see my borderline deal breaker mentality over this as having been my own falling, not the other person’s.

 

[AdamP88]

Marrying a virgin isn’t imporant to me. The woman l marry - whoever she is - is a sinner one way or another. The particular sins are academic. “He who breaks one law breaks the entire law”. And frankly, I have neither the time nor the patience to hold such a standard. When I’m in a relationship with an orthodox, loving woman, I’m seizing it like a hawk. She will be my lioness on the fleeting battlefield of life. Today I’m alive. Tomorrow I’m dead.

I’m a virgin myself but I won’t share this unless she asks, and either way, I’ve committed impurity in my heart many times. I am an adulterer and a murderer.

This is prettymuch how I see it too.

 

[AdamP88]

Convents and seminaries will typically accept novices who have given away their innocence in a serious way but have maintained continence for a period of time, such as three years, indicating that they are capable of fidelity and a life of sobriety. This seems reasonable to me.

True. So obviously the Church doesn’t view virginity as something that, once “broken”, actually renders the person unsuitable.

 

[AdamP88]

I voted no because

1. Sex is a big deal to me. It’s a whole different thing if they are or become a victim of a sexual assault. Besides, since I was evaluating three vocations, I did not feel the need to narrow down my list of what I was looking for in a spouse.
2. I know myself, I’m a jealous person and it would have been very hard for me to get over it. Eventually I would have but it would have taken a long time. It’s neither fair nor pleasant for the other person (after marriage) to go through fights over this. Ps: I’m talking about myself here, of course I applaud those who have gotten over or had no issue with their spouse being a non virgin.

I guess I can understand that. You not being able to deal with it is different to viewing the person as somehow “broken” or “used goods”.