Dating a potential non-virgin

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Fransiscan34

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Hello All,

I am a faithful Catholic man in my early 20s who recently started dating a woman my age. So far it seems that she takes her faith seriously, enjoys discussing Catholic Theology, and even makes a point to go to confession regularly. All was going well until something came to my attention that alerted me to her possibly not being a virgin. I am one, for the record. I have not wanted to ask outright because I am too nervous.
This would be a major issue for me, not out of a superiority complex, but simply concerns over the sacramental nature of a potential marriage, and the fact that I would not see myself shaking this concern easily. She has also previously criticized the notion of premarital sex before (not referring to herself), and the importance of saving oneself for marriage. So here are my main question:
  1. How should I go about asking her?
  2. Is it acceptable to break up if she has, in fact, had premarital sex?
  3. If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?
Thank you and God Bless
 
Fransiscan34 said:
  • How should I go about asking her?
  • Is it acceptable to break up if she has, in fact, had premarital sex?
  • If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?
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  1. if you’re at a point in the relationship where it’s appropriate, just ask her. It’s obviously not first date conversation, but at some point you’re kind of clear to talk about stuff that is otherwise private.
  2. it’s acceptable to break up for any reason you like. You’re just dating; you have no obligation at all. That said, I think it’s a dumb reason.
  3. it’s hard for me to advise you on this because I can’t imagine caring in the first place, but I guess ask yourself what is your actual concern? It would de-legitimize the marriage? You wouldn’t measure up to her past boyfriend sexually? What’s the concern, exactly?
 
Fransiscan34 said:
This would be a major issue for me, not out of a superiority complex, but simply concerns over the sacramental nature of a potential marriage
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Her being a non-virgin has zero effect on whether your marriage is “sacramental”. A sacramental marriage is based on whether the parties are both baptized Christians, not on whether one or both are virgins. If one or both are Catholics outside the state of grace, from sexual sins or any other grave sin, then they have to repent and confess and be absolved prior to marriage in order to receive the grace of the sacrament.

If her not being a virgin is a deal-breaker for you, do yourself and her a favor and get to the bottom of it with her now, so that if necessary you can break up right now and not waste each other’s time.
 
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I think you’re making too much of virginity, to be totally honest. From what you’ve said, she has criticised pre-martial sex and she goes to Confession regularly. To me that would suggest if she isn’t a virgin, she has confessed it and more than likely regrets it/wish she’d waited for marriage. Would it really be such a big problem to you if that were the case?

All I’m saying is, when you ask, don’t just focus on ‘is she or isn’t she’, because it will be more complex than that.
Tis_Bearself said:
If her not being a virgin is a deal-breaker for you, do yourself and her a favor and get to the bottom of it with her now, so that if necessary you can break up right now and not waste each other’s time.
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This, a thousand times.
 
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Fransiscan34 said:
I have not wanted to ask outright because I am too nervous.
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And because it’s not your business.
Fransiscan34 said:
concerns over the sacramental nature of a potential marriage,
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This does not impact sacramentality in any way.
Fransiscan34 said:
and the fact that I would not see myself shaking this concern easily.
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What concern do you have related to sacramentality of marriage vis-a-vis premarital sex?
Fransiscan34 said:
She has also previously criticized the notion of premarital sex before (not referring to herself), and the importance of saving oneself for marriage.
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Fransiscan34 said:
All was going well until something came to my attention that alerted me to her possibly not being a virgin.
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What is that you think “alerted” you to her “possibly” not being a virgin?
Fransiscan34 said:
How should I go about asking her?
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You shouldn’t. It’s not your business.
Fransiscan34 said:
s it acceptable to break up if she has, in fact, had premarital sex?
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Look, your deal breakers are your deal breakers. What other people think about them is irrelevant.
Fransiscan34 said:
If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?
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Well, start with why it bothers you. And go from there.
 
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I was a notorious man whore before converted/got married. People change, as long as she respects wanting to wait for marriage with you before having sex again there shouldn’t be any reason not to move forward.
 
RhodesianSon said:
I was a notorious man whore before converted/got married. People change, as long as she respects wanting to wait for marriage with you before having sex again there shouldn’t be any reason not to move forward.
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Same. Always been of the opinion that what matters is what she’s going to do/believes going forward. The past is the past and it’s between her and her confessor.
1ke said:
And because it’s not your business.
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I disagree, at least if they’ve moved past the “casual dating/getting to know you” phase and into the discerning marriage phase. I think people considering entering into a marriage with someone have a right to ask pretty much whatever they want. As you said, his dealbreakers are his dealbreakers. I may think it’s a silly thing to potentially break up over, but it’s his call to make.
 
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This is all wonderful feedback. Thank you everyone. It is a good point that multiple people made about whatever happening being in the past and that it would be between her and the confessor.
Perhaps it is going to far to say that it is a deal breaker, but it is still concerning because of the timeline of when in her life it would have happened.
 
Look, I really think you should just have a talk with the lady and not be sharing all these personal details of what she said to you on a public Internet forum.

I know it’s anonymous, but whatever she told you was for your ears. She wasn’t expecting to have a forum full of random Catholic strangers analyzing her words and the situation of whether you feel uncomfortable over them.

I myself would not be thrilled if I told or hinted to a boyfriend about something in my past and then I found out he made a discussion thread on an Internet forum about it.
 
That is of no concern. You have no choice in being raped as a victim.
 
Fransiscan34 said:
but simply concerns over the sacramental nature of a potential marriage
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Being a virgin/non-virgin has no effect on the on the sacramental validity of a marriage.
Fransiscan34 said:
She has also previously criticized the notion of premarital sex before (not referring to herself), and the importance of saving oneself for marriage.
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Then why are you so suspicious?
Fransiscan34 said:
How should I go about asking her?
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You shouldn’t at this stage or the relationship, unless “non-virgin status” is a dealbreaker for you or whatever.
Fransiscan34 said:
Is it acceptable to break up if she has, in fact, had premarital sex?
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I guess it depends on what you want. It would be a pity to break up with a faithful catholic woman because of a mistake she made in the past. Why do we have to be so overly obsessed with sexual purity? It makes someone who has fallen almost irredeemable, and that’s not right.
Fransiscan34 said:
If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?
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I’m not sure how to answer that question for you.
 
Fransiscan34 said:
  • How should I go about asking her?
  • Is it acceptable to break up if she has, in fact, had premarital sex?
  • If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?
Click to expand...
  1. you only “RECENTLY” started dating her. Do NOT bring it up anytime soon, unless she does.
  2. I think it would be very shallow of you to break up for her only because of that. The premarital sex she may or maynot have had MIGHT have been a big spark in a possible reconversion to her faith.
  3. If she’s not a virgin, but now completely agrees with that the church teaches, you really need to get over it. It means she saw the errors of her ways and the errors of the world and had decided to accept Christ’s laws.
Additionally, just so you know, there are some nuns and religious sisters who are not virgins. Priests too. There have been MANY Saints who were once fornicators who later lived a very chaste life once turning their life to Christ.

The most important question for you should be simply this:

Has she given her life to Jesus Christ and His Catholic Church or not? If the answer is yes, then it shouldn’t matter whether she’s a virgin or not.

I pray this brings you some peace.
 
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Fransiscan34 said:
  • How should I go about asking her?
  • Is it acceptable to break up if she has, in fact, had premarital sex?
  • If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?
Click to expand...
IF you really wanna know, then you could lead in by saying you are a virgin and then ask. There’s no not-awkward way to do this.

You may break off any dating relationship for any reason without committing sin.

A marriage between a virgin and a non-virgin is valid (assuming all things being equal)
 
Why so much focus on this one aspect of her past life? What difference could it possibly make? Lots of non-virgins marry and have great and successful marriages.

The better question than what did she do in her past is why do you care so much?
 
1ke said:
Well. He said “I recently started dating…” so I don’t think it’s his business.
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Fair. I missed that part on the first reading. So yeah, I’d agree that it’s not his business yet. If they get to the point where they’re in a more serious relationship and discerning marriage, though, I think sexual histories are fair game.
 
1ke said:
And because it’s not your business.
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If he is dating her with an eye to marriage, it is 100% his business if she has had sexual relations before.

I get that today people act like it’s no big deal what someone does before you meet them, but there are still people in the world that see refraining from sexual intercourse before marriage as important for several reasons. Whether someone agrees with those reasons or think those reasons are stupid is immaterial if they are a deeply held belief of someone else.

If person A said that they would never marry someone who wasn’t a virgin (what ever the reason) and person B hid their previous sexual history, it is grounds for a Declaration of Nullity if A would not have married B given that knowledge.
 
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