D
DeniseNY
Guest
The greatest proof that this statement is erroneous are the Saints of the Catholic Church
- Status
R
RhodesianSon
Guest
I’m not sure how to take this 
Monica…Augustine…Paul…
R
RolandThompsonGunner
Guest
Haha, that may not be a compliment…
R
RhodesianSon
Guest
Right lol that could go either way
G
goout
Guest
You might want to consider marriage can be a crucible for one’s sensitivities, and an issue of this type will seem minor in the overall view of a long marriage.
Seriously, this is nothing compared to what life will throw at you. In marriage you will have the opportunity to live with someone who, at different times, is both the person you feel the highest admiration and desire for, and at other times absolutely can’t stand to be around. It’s why many houses have extra bedrooms with lumpy mattresses.
Last edited:
G
Gorgias
Guest
Just my opinions, but…
I would say that the answer is “if you love her, would you refuse to overlook the fact she sinned and has repented?” If your answer is “yes, I need a spotless bride”, then I don’t think you’re ready for marriage.
Don’t ask.
“Let him without sin cast the first stone”, no?
I would say that the answer is “if you love her, would you refuse to overlook the fact she sinned and has repented?” If your answer is “yes, I need a spotless bride”, then I don’t think you’re ready for marriage.
By doing an examination of conscience and asking yourself “how would I feel if she knew of one of my past sins and told me that she was breaking up with me because of a sin in my past?”
S
scousekiwi
Guest
I assumed you were making a joke at the OP’s expense, but, reading the whole of your comment, I now see that you are probably serious.
G
goout
Guest
If you do break up, do the right thing and be kind to her whatever the outcome and leave the sexual examination behind.
Last edited:
U
Usige
Guest
Sorry I didn’t put “hyperbole” markers on my statement. It was meant to imply there is no time dictation, but is more determined by where one is in the relationship. The same subject came up in discussion with my wife and I sometime in the first month to 6 weeks we were dating because we both had fathers with multiple failed marriages and we were talking about sex in the context of lifelong commitment. We were 16 and 18 at the time (and neither Catholic nor particularly religious) so less time for a history to build, but many here seem like it’s insane and inappropriate that we would have had that conversation that early.
That is a fine opinion, but just because you don’t care doesn’t mean that someone else shouldn’t. We should forgive, but we cannot control every visceral reaction we have. If it’s important to someone telling them it’s not a big deal simply is a nice way of saying “grow up and get with the times.”
Hyperbole alert, but would anyone think it’s not a big deal if a potential spouse had been a thief when they were younger? How about being a convicted con artist? How about if they were involved in sex with multiple partners at the same time?
The point is that there are plenty of things that might have been forgiven in someone’s past that would give reasonable people pause. There is a big difference between a lapse of judgment and a history of behavior that could cause ongoing issues. It seems that most people just want to give premarital sex a pass as no big deal. To be honest if my wife had said it’s not a big deal then how do I trust her that we would not work at cross purpose when trying to raise our children with a strong moral compass away from all sin?
Last edited:
I
Irishmom2
Guest
I actually meant it as a compliment to both of you. Very honest on both of your posts, @RolandThompsonGunner and @RhodesianSon.
1
1ke
Guest
If some dude I’d been to coffee with a time or two, or out to dinner, or lunch, or a movie, asked me if I was a virgin he would go in the “weirdo” category, pronto. Because either he has a fetish or doesn’t understand personal boundaries.
M
MNathaniel
Guest
I mean honestly, if it matters so much to him, I think he should – at some point – ask. Or at least make it clear that this is a dealbreaker for him.Just my opinions, but…
Fransiscan34:
Don’t ask.
I know I’d want a man to ask me or say something similar, if it mattered so much to him. So I could break up with him sooner rather than later.
Haha.No need to waste everybody’s time if someone has a dealbreaker they really can’t get over.
That’s just my opinion, too, of course. But I’m just thinking from the woman’s perspective: whether she’s a virgin or not, it might help her make her own choice about who she wants to be with, to hear that a current prospect would consider breaking up with her over it.
Last edited:
G
goout
Guest
My wife and I were both shipwrecks of the 70’s and 80’s. Our marriage has formed us both in virtue and I hope it demonstrates that people can grow and mature and start living unselfishly. We are who we are and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I would just emphasize to the OP without minimizing his standards, that this kind of issue is small potatoes compared to all the life issues you will deal with.
I would just emphasize to the OP without minimizing his standards, that this kind of issue is small potatoes compared to all the life issues you will deal with.
T
TheLittleLady
Guest
As long as a man and woman are free to marry and both validly baptized Christians, their marriage IS Sacramental.
U
Usige
Guest
He said “recently” began dating. That could be a couple dates or a couple months. My wife and I went out 3-5 times a week for several hour each time when we first started dating so “recently” doesn’t necessarily say anything about the depth of relationship. Given that they’ve talked about personal practices (mass, going to confession) and feelings about premarital sex it seems it a bit beyond having chit chatted over coffee a couple times.
I am not advocating for asking someone they just met about their history, but saying that if the relationship is moving from something casual to “is this a potential mate” those issues need to be discussed sooner than later. He could find she says yes, but here are the circumstances and why I’ve changed. That could go a long way to allaying his concerns instead of letting it fester like a rotten tooth.
What I object to is the short, terse answers that say it’s doesn’t matter. I’ve dealt with too many marriages where people swept things under the rug and it became a poison that slowly killed anything good in the marriage. People have the right to know who they are in a relationship with. That includes their past.
We can discuss when it might be prudent to have those discussions, but the majority of answers in this thread are to ignore his concern or that he is the one that is somehow lacking because he holds church teaching on sex outside of marriage as an ideal and therefore is somewhat of a deviant or immature. I just find it sad that people acknowledge forgiveness of sin while brushing off chastity as an ideal as something to be scoffed at.
B
Bernoulli
Guest
The confessional concerns the realm of private conscience and the relationship between the person and God. Absolution removes eternal punishment. However, when discerning a vocation, past sins concern a person’s suitability for that vocation.
When discussing chance to enter the seminary, a man would be asked, among others, if he had committed murder, including participation in an abortion. That would usually disqualify him. The man is supposed to answer truthfully these questions about past sins, and this kind of judgment is distinct to the absolution in the confessional.
M
MNathaniel
Guest
I’m with you about these questions being relevant to discuss among two people in a serious relationship, discerning marriage.
You lose me at “suitability for that vocation”. Unless you just mean, suitability to marry a specific individual who holds this past sin as a dealbreaker.
But if you mean that anyone who commits the sin of fornication becomes unsuitable for the vocation of marriage… whoo, boy.
Haha. (I’m going to assume that’s not what you mean.)
B
Bernoulli
Guest
The priesthood and religious life are more regulated by universal laws compared to the marriage, where suitability is discerned with that particular person, and each person has different criteria.
- Status