Dating a potential non-virgin

[runningdude]

1. How should I go about asking her?
2. Is it acceptable to break up if she has, in fact, had premarital sex?
3. If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?

If this is a deal breaker, you have to ask as soon as you feel appropriate. You do not want to lead her on if you will break up with her over an immutable fact. Only you can decide if breaking up over this is acceptable.

If you are open to still dating her whatever her answer, then there is not necessarily a rush. However, you forfeit the right to get mad if she answers yes to having had sex if you wait to ask. It is simply not fair to her if you did not ask about a deal breaker early on.

Your discussion should focus on her current attitudes towards sex. It is an awkward topic, but it is part of discerning marriage to determine if your values are compatible. You can gently ask about past experiences, but respect her privacy, and avoid graphic questions. Knowing broadly her past can help alleviate fears.

 

[OddBird]

Our marriage has formed us both in virtue

I second that.

Everybody had deal breakers when it comes to dating, and that’s perfectly legitimate, but at the end of the day two people who marry will never be perfect. We’re still very imperfect sinners 14 years down the road, but marriage has probably taught us quite a bit about virtue.

 

[BornInMarch]

1. Is it acceptable to break up if she has, in fact, had premarital sex?

You don’t owe anyone a relationship and you have the right to break up over any reason you want. Having said that, breaking up with someone for just for not being a virgin is unfair since that fact can’t be changed.

Saint Augustine of Hippo, one of the great theologians of the Church, lost his virginity outside of marriage. More than that, he lived in sin for years and sired a son out of wedlock. Yet those things didn’t prevent him from turning to God, having ins sins forgiven, and becoming a Saint.

1. If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?

Remember that every human is fallen to some degree or another and that God forgives all sins.

 

[Rau]

All was going well until something came to my attention that alerted me to her possibly not being a virgin.

What is the “something”?

 

[Rau]

Once the concern is raised it is his business as it will impact him and how he approaches the relationship going forward

Whilst he may have an interest in the issue, it does not follow that it is acceptable behaviour to put such a personal question to someone you’ve recently started to date.

…he is dating her and he seems to have marriage on his mind regarding dating.

He may, but what about her situation? Or does that not matter? Go on a date and any question is acceptable?

 

[TheIttyBitty]

Might be best for him to ask if she’s planning to get married and if she could see him in her future. If she is interested in that far ahead, Then he could posit his conundrum without asking, and allow her to decide whether to continue things or not.

 

[CTBcin]

The point is that there are plenty of things that might have been forgiven in someone’s past that would give reasonable people pause. There is a big difference between a lapse of judgment and a history of behavior that could cause ongoing issues.

Absolutely. I agree.

It seems that most people just want to give premarital sex a pass as no big deal. To be honest if my wife had said it’s not a big deal then how do I trust her that we would not work at cross purpose when trying to raise our children with a strong moral compass away from all sin?

I agree that if someone sees premarital sex in such a lax way, there are probably some red flags there, or at the very least some issues to work through before a couple can have a healthy, right ordered marriage.

However, that’s entirely different from someone who made a mistake in the past and is currently living a chaste life… this is more of what I am speaking to. And this is more of the situation that the OP is potentially dealing with as well.

 

[MNathaniel]

If a person is not a virgin, (barring being raped) only one of two possibilities exists: either the parenting was insufficient, or they were rebellious. I wasn’t clear enough about the second possibility. But I explained it with the smoking and drug example, ie. they’re too rebellious.

… Those are the character defects to which I’m referring…The reality is, you will be judged for this sin, not necessarily by me, though.

Haha Clearly.

 

[Peeps]

If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?

I think the answers to this question depends on what is going on inside your head and heart when you think about marrying someone who is not a virgin.

For a lot of people, this issue wouldn’t bother them in the least. You can tell that from the responses on this thread.

But apparently for you, it’s an issue. Don’t answer it here (in a forum!), but it might make sense for you to get some counselling–perhaps just start out by talking to a priest that you love and trust and sharing your feelings about this issue.

 

[Inbonum]

If a person is not a virgin, (barring being raped) only one of two possibilities exists: either the parenting was insufficient, or they were rebellious. I wasn’t clear enough about the second possibility. But I explained it with the smoking and drug example, ie. they’re too rebellious.

When you say “for one reason or another”, that is at the heart of my point. Those are the character defects to which I’m referring. It’s not judgemental to say that. If a person has sinned in this area, they are redeemed in Jesus’s eyes. However, potential mates will consider your status as either a virgin or non-virgin and make judgements. And there is not a thing you can do about it. Consider it a temporal punishment after absolution. The reality is, you will be judged for this sin, not necessarily by me, though.

Really? And what if person repents and confesses sins? What if person completely changes her life?
I think it is rude to make such a comment. Jesus always give chance to repent and change our lives. Who are people to judge? You are not in position to say what should somebody’s temporal punishment be.
If I would be judged by you I should have been burned like witch and already in deepest level of Hell.
You will be judged the way you judge.

 

[Lara]

So what are you saying? The OP is being judgemental if he has a concern over a potential mate’s sexual history?

 

[CTBcin]

The confessional concerns the realm of private conscience and the relationship between the person and God. Absolution removes eternal punishment. However, when discerning a vocation, past sins concern a person’s suitability for that vocation.

Absolutely. I by no means meant to make a perfect comparison.

When discussing chance to enter the seminary, a man would be asked, among others, if he had committed murder, including participation in an abortion. That would usually disqualify him. The man is supposed to answer truthfully these questions about past sins, and this kind of judgment is distinct to the absolution in the confessional.

I am well aware of how seminary application processes work. (And since we’re talking about past sins and vocation… past sexual sins don’t necessarily disqualify a man from a vocation to the priesthood either).

The point of my post is that virginity shouldn’t be the end-all-be-all that determines one’s suitability for marriage. This smacks of treating those who have past sins as “damaged goods” as another poster put it.

 

[Lara]

You might have a point that we don’t . . . want to treat people as “damaged goods” after they have had intentional premarital sex, despite it being true in many cases.

However, consider a person who does his/her absolute best and remains a virgin before marriage and doesn’t end up married for instance. If no Catholic can honour this, he or she might decide, what the hell?, I’ve waged my whole sex life on a lie.

It’s time Catholics honour the discipline of virginity and/or priestly celibacy, and explain it better to their children.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

However, consider a person who does his/her absolute best and remains a virgin before marriage and doesn’t end up married for instance. If no Catholic can honour this, he or she might decide, what the hell?, I’ve waged my whole sex life on a lie.

If that Catholic is avoiding sexual sin in order to impress other Catholics/increase their value on the Catholic dating market…they’re kind of missing the point.

 

[Usige]

… it might make sense for you to get some counseling…

Why would he need counseling?

I don’t eat meat because the texture makes me viscerally ill. In a similar way, my wife has stated that she has woken up and she felt nauseous because of vivid dreams where either she or I was sleeping with someone else.

It is not a defect if someone finds the thought of someone else having slept with their spouse as repulsive. I find it odd where most people would not drink out of a glass a stranger had just drank from, but shrugs about much more intimate contact of a stranger with their spouse. (yes, obviously drinkware and people are different but I am talking about the ew factor that people feel about sharing things with others).

I guess I too need counseling since I find it disturbing that so many people have no problem with how many people their partner has ever slept with. When my wife was at a hen party she was the weirdo for having slept with one man while a friend who slept with 30+ men during college was the less remarkable one. No wonder I have such problems teaching sexual morality to couples because it’s just silly and a mental issues.

 

[Patri]

At the right time and with respect, one should be able to ask questions. Honesty is important and she has the right to reply what she wants too.

 

[Peeps]

I think the answers to this question depends on what is going on inside your head and heart when you think about marrying someone who is not a virgin.

For a lot of people, this issue wouldn’t bother them in the least. You can tell that from the responses on this thread.

But apparently for you, it’s an issue. Don’t answer it here (in a forum!), but it might make sense for you to get some counselling–perhaps just start out by talking to a priest that you love and trust and sharing your feelings about this issue.

Sorry, I got interrupted and couldn’t finish.

I’m guessing that there is something that you are not sharing with us (and you shouldn’t share it with just everyone!). For some reason, a woman’s virginity is extremely important to you. It’s important for you to be honest in counselling about why this is so important to you.

It’s possible that your outlook on this issue is unrealistic for some reason–you may be placing a “virgin” on some kind of pedestal and expecting virginity to influence her entire personality.

If this is the case (and I’m just speculating here!), I think you are setting yourself and your future wife up for misery and heartbreak.

At any rate, please talk to someone you can trust to give you sound advice and help you to work through whether this really should be an issue for you when it comes to dating and marriage.

My suggestion is that you not talk to your young lady until you have talked to the priest or counselor.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I think the initial poster is not ready for a serious relationship with a real woman.

 

[Billy76]

Personally, I could never date a woman who was not a virgin. It is important to me. However, if it is not important to you, it is not a dealbreaker by any means from a Catholic perspective.

 

[Inbonum]

No IF it is question about someone’s past in right and non-judgemental manner of knowing each other on way to marriage. OP asks different things than that.

Your comment is judgemental. It turns out that people are determined by mistakes and that because of their past they remain the same at the core even though they change lives.

You might have a point that we don’t necessarily want to treat people as “damaged goods” after they have had intentional premarital sex, despite it being true in many cases.

No, it is not true that sinners are damaged goods which cannot change.

I’ve waged my whole sex life on a lie.

It seems like that.