Dating a potential non-virgin

[Billy76]

I agree. Unfortunately sexual history is seen as “taboo” for some reason and asking early on could make some women uncomfortable.

 

[Billy76]

What is ridiculous about it?

 

[T432]

I agree with dealbreakers that are non negotiable to be talked about early on. It seems totally unfair to get to the point that serious feelings can get hurt over something in your/their past that can’t change or somebody has no control over now.

 

[Bernoulli]

And? In our lives as Christians, both men and women are called to equally called to purity.

You wondered why the issue is not symmetric between sexes, I gave a theory that explains it.

 

[MNathaniel]

I agree. Unfortunately sexual history is seen as “taboo” for some reason and asking early on could make some women uncomfortable.

I will say, in the name of precaution for you, that my “delight” at being able to so quickly apprehend the situation and need for a breakup, would probably involve surface irritation – and potentially even hurt feelings – depending on how it’s framed.

Looking around at the culture, those who have successfully stayed virgins may not realize this, but those who are catholic enough to have repented of these sins do understand that they were sins, and already understand that sin matters, and carries consequence. We are also (probably) accustomed to the mercy and love of Jesus, including as shown through other catholics, who don’t make an issue out of our past sins. To be rejected from a relationship on the basis of a past sin may be a startling, even hurtful event, and needs to be navigated with great tact and compassion.

Just putting that out there.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

Maybe she’s a young widow. OP, would that be acceptable even if she’s not a virgin?

 

[MNathaniel]

Also, I can’t emphasize this enough: do be prepared that rejecting someone on the basis of their past sins, may make you look like a bad guy. The woman may not even answer, but may decide (even if she’s a virgin!) that you don’t seem forgiving enough to be a Christ-like husband. There are two sides to every coin. You have a right to have a dealbreaker of non-virginity. Another person has a right to have a dealbreaker against dating people who have a dealbreaker of non-virginity.

You probably already know. But just putting that all out there. While you’re sitting back assessing what her past bodily movements imply, she may be sitting back assessing what your current mental movements imply.

 

[Billy76]

I guess I just don’t view dating or relationships in the same way. I mean of course there could be a quite vile person that goes out of there way to berate someone for not being a virgin. But honestly there should be no shame you should feel other than the knowledge of offending against God which all sinners have. I have sinned before (shocker!) and if a woman wanted to not have a relationship with me because of that I wouldn’t mind. Marriage and relationship is a big deal and realize I may not always be what a woman is looking for. That being I have only been on a few dates and am horribly shy so take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

[Rau]

At the right time and with respect, one should be able to ask questions. Honesty is important and she has the right to reply what she wants too.

“At the right time” (and implying right circumstances and right state of the relationship) is quite important before one moves the conversation to deeply personal topics.

 

[Rau]

To be perfectly honest, about 98% of adult women are non-virgins.

Source? Does this include married women?

 

[Anicette]

Well, It’s important to be able to be able to speak of sexual past sins (in a less explicit way possible) and virginity.

I think we should know before being in a relationship. After we are attached to the other person and such revelations may be hurtful for some.

In anyway, often it not such a revelation because youngs people who are friends or who evoluated among the same environment because theses sorts of topics are often discussed openly.

For people who are noticed that finding a virgin seems much more important for more men than women, I would said:

• it appears to be much more “difficult” or meaningful for a woman to sleep with a man than the contrary (on a physical level, biological, traditional as well as psychological). So a higher virtue may be expected for women
• my belief is that youngs christian women may have been much more resigned than men that they would not have a lot of choice over it. They would contemplate the currents values, the men available around them. So they would feel that they have the choice to “catch” a man after a breakup with a woman or staying alone for an indefinite time. And when in a relationship with these sort of man they would be pressured to have sex. They have internalized that men have a libido that is difficult to control and generally not a lot of scruples about it.
• people, men and women who want to wait until marriage are a very tiny minority among the population. The difficulty is to find each other. If we had more criterias such as virginity it can be much complicated. Among the people who have have lost their virginity but now agree to wait with their new partner there are certainely people who have compromised with the “spirit of the world” in order to be with someone and people who didn’t care about it or who were not raised like that.
• sex outside marriage is damaging for both men and women. And even if we pretend it’s not a big deal, it is. And it can also hurt the present relationship even if it had happened with someone else.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Source? Does this include married women?

I doubt Anonkun meant 98% to be taken literally. I think the point is just that sexual sins are extremely common and if this is a dealbreaker for you you are going to be limiting your dating pool drastically and probably missing out on some great people.

 

[Anicette]

I doubt Anonkun meant 98% to be taken literally.

I think it may be literaly.

I remember reading an article with a link from CAF that explain, if my memory is good, that american women of 25 years old are at 98% non virgins.

I don’t want to spent any time to search again for this ugly statistics on graphic sex, but i know we cannot take that seriousely without any source.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

I remember reading an article with a link from CAF that explain, if my memory is good, that american women of 25 years old are at 98% non virgins.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average age Americans lose their virginities (defined here as vaginal sexual intercourse) is 17.1 for both men and women. The CDC also reports that virgins make up 12.3 percent of females and 14.3 percent of males aged 20 to 24. That number drops below 5 percent for both male and female virgins aged 25 to 29 and goes as low as 0.3 percent for virgins aged 40 to 44.

 

[umamibella]

This would be a major issue for me, not out of a superiority complex, but simply concerns over the sacramental nature of a potential marriage,

Her past sexual experience or not bears no impact on a sacramental marriage within the Catholic Church.
It would be your intentions and the way it impacts you on getting married. That is something you would need to hash out with the Priest responsible for your marriage preparation.

What is such a concern to you about this? It might be better to state your real concerns so they can be considered.

Why would you want to break up with someone you love and are considering marriage with because they were sinners. Jesus forgives, that means we should too, remember the woman who was set to be stoned until Jesus spoke up.

 

[Rau]

Is it appropriate for a female to ask the male she is dating if he’s ever masturbated? We’re all concerned about a woman’s virginity…how about the man’s sexually purity?

Or to broaden it, should either party ask the other (early in dating) about whether the other has masturbated?

 

[Rau]

Maybe we will hear from some female posters who will deem this a deal-breaker for marriage?

 

[Lea101]

Is it appropriate for a female to ask the male she is dating if he’s ever masturbated? We’re all concerned about a woman’s virginity…how about the man’s sexual purity? And yes, if he’s ever masturbated, he’s committed a sexual sin

I actually find having/have had a porn addiction (or frequent usage of porn, for those who hate that A word) more off putting and more of a deal breaker, than someone who had sex with say one person in the past. Unfortunately this excludes a large chunk of guys for me, dating wise.

Or to broaden it, should either party ask the other (early in dating) about whether the other has masturbated?

Heck no! I will assume he is a pervert.

 

[Anicette]

Is it appropriate for a female to ask the male she is dating if he’s ever masturbated? We’re all concerned about a woman’s virginity…how about the man’s sexual purity? And yes, if he’s ever masturbated, he’s committed a sexual sin.

Well even if masturbation is a sin, I think your post is sarcastic.

masturbation is not the same as loosing our virginity.
We can ask a man if he does it or did it, but it is very frequent, so the answer is likely to be yes. I will have more meaning if he doesn’t not currently, or try seriousely to avoid it.

Loosing our virginity is much more engaging and more difficult to do it. It has more meaning than masturbation. And even if you don’t like it, it is certainely much more difficult to do for a woman than a man.

 

[Anicette]

Maybe we will hear from some female posters who will deem this a deal-breaker for marriage?

We have had some threads here where some women were angry and hurt that their fiancé or husband were non virgins. For at least one, it seems a deal breaker even if they were married.

Seriousely I don’t think this topic is funny. To have sex with someone else is on a basic level harmful.

a male virgin isn’t as pure as he thinks he is, if he’s masturbated.

Certainely. But that does not invalid the argument that past marsurbation is not on the same level as loosing virginity outside of marriage. the two situations are not equal and one is more diffcult to achieve.
More simply, that men masturbated does not give a permission to women to loose their virginity and after said it is not their fiancé’s business because it was in the past, forgiven and that he has masturbated.

pollution”

It come from a Latin word that was long used in catholic morality. We cannot compare it to environmental pollution, even if pollutio was looked as impure and any deliberate situation that may lead to them should be avoid absolutely.
Some traditionalists still use it. It avoids more graphic words.