Dating a potential non-virgin

[lwest]

By doing an examination of conscience and asking yourself “how would I feel if she knew of one of my past sins and told me that she was breaking up with me because of a sin in my past?”

Awesome response. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” comes to mind. Maybe the original poster is a virgin but I’m willing to bet he’s not sin free. Premarital sex isn’t the only sin out there. Stop judging. If she’s repented and changed her life, it’s good enough for Jesus. Why isn’t it good enough for you? If it’s such a deal breaker for you, just ask her and dump her if she’s not a virgin. Sounds like she can do better than you, anyway. Just don’t get upset if down the line, some girl dumps you because of something you did in your past.

 

[Lara]

Except, if the OP is choosing not to date somebody on this basis, he has NOT cast a stone.

 

[lwest]

Then he should ask them right up front and not waste their time if they’re not up to his standards. But, yeah…‘casting a stone’ is making a judgment call of “I’d never date a non virgin”. That’s his priority. I’m just saying he shouldn’t get upset if someone dumps him for one of his past sins. You reap what you sow.

 

[Lara]

lwest: “Sounds like she can do better than you, anyway.”

Do you see this as an ad hominem attack of the OP?

 

[Billy76]

How is it casting a stone? He is not condemning a potential date. No one is owed a relationship with him that he doesn’t deem is worthy as a partner. Period.

 

[lwest]

I know no one is owed a relationship by him. He is condemning a potential date if there’s a deal breaker. It’s true, anyone can dump anyone for any reason. He can dump her for wearing shoes he doesn’t like. He asked our opinion. I gave mine. If he only wants to date virgins, he should tell them that up front so the women don’t invest time and emotion into a man who will dump them for a past sin. I personally don’t think it’s fair. What if the girl was a rape victim? She wouldn’t be a virgin. I think it’s rather arrogant of him to dump her for something she did in her past, as if he is sin free. And I think he can’t complain if someone decides to dump him for one of his past sins. Agree with me. Don’t agree with me. It really doesn’t matter.

 

[lwest]

No. I think she might find more happiness with a guy who (1)didn’t get this out in the open right off the bat and; (2)won’t hold this over her head the rest of her life if she isn’t a virgin. I don’t think (even if she’s not a virgin) that she should be treated like used goods or made to feel guilty for something she confessed and has repented of. And what if she is a rape victim? She wouldn’t be a virgin then. I think it’s a shame that she’d be thrown out like trash because of it. Premarital sex isn’t the only sin out there. I just gave the guy something to think about. It’s definitely his right (and hers) to end a dating relationship for any reason. Those reasons could be petty, but it’s their choice. This guy would have saved himself (and her) a lot of heartache if he just said right off the bat, “I only date virgins. If y ou’re no t a virgin, get away from me.”

 

[umamibella]

Actually, if a man wanted a virgin, he really needs to ask a woman first up if she is. That way, there is no drama down the track when she really believes its the real thing and he cannot accept her because she was a sinner.
I believe a man thinking this way should ask the woman before entering into any dating or type of relationship. If her answer is she had premarital sex, then be honest, say that is not acceptable and break up/walk away/dont date.
There is dishonesty in carrying this around and not asking because of reasons like

I have not wanted to ask outright because I am too nervous.

If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?

As someone else said on this forum today, that is above our pay grades. Counselling and really get to the heart of this is the way to go, not internet strangers. Our Parish Priest would say its an issue of forgiveness, its something we need to find forgiveness if we dont know how we could get over something. He also says it wont happen over night but if we work on it, then it will happen eventually.

 

[lwest]

I didn’t see the comment as sarcastic. A man can dump a woman for not being a virgin but a woman can’t dump a man for masturbating? The sins are different but they are both sins and both can be mortal.

 

[luvzkittenz]

I have not read the whole thread (so far gone to Reply #60) and I have not seen anyone ask the OP if he is a virgin himself. I have seen the notion of non-virgin guys still wanting virgin girls. If the guy is a virgin himself, then it doesn’t really bother me if he wants a virgin too.(however, I totally get the rape victim thing that people are saying)

 

[Inbonum]

Some people have wrong mindset on virginty and that isn’t normal.
If OP wants virgin it is fine but saying that person who lost virginty before marriage is “damaged good” is wrong mindset, or thinking that virgin is holier or more pure than non-virgin. Wrong, wrong.
Interesting, only loss of virginity is wrong for those people… And everything else is tolerable. LOL.
Those people then see someone as some object and if they had premarital sex they are damaged. And no matter if person repented, been to confession and changed life, she is still “damaged good”.
That kind of thinking is something for counseling.

I could bet that some people would find great husband /wife faster if they didn’t see everyone who had premarital sex as “damaged good”.

 

[John9]

In all honesty, I don’t believe the OP is mature enough for a serious relationship.

The idea that it would be charitable or reasonable to quiz this woman on something she may well have confessed and which occurred before they met is something I would expect from a very different religion to Catholicism.

 

[T432]

Just out of curiosity does the Catholic Church offer preparation to dating as it does for preparation to marriage? ( I’m currently only in RCIA).

It seems to me that it would be a good idea before seriously dating to have a understanding of how you should approach certain dating topics charitably and to of already discussed with perhaps a priest how you can potentially get over something that wouldn’t stop a marriage being valid and would otherwise give you a very compatable spouse. Rather than trying to navigate/ approach these questions mid relationship with not even a little bit of preparation.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Or to broaden it, should either party ask the other (early in dating) about whether the other has masturbated?

If you’d like to come off as a full on weirdo and guarantee there will be no second dates, yeah, this is probably a good strategy.

 

[blackforest]

1. If she is not a virgin, how could I potentially get over this fact?

Years ago, I watched an Italian film, Meditteraneo, about some Italian soldiers in WWII who end up stranded on a Greek island. (The men already scarcely knew what they were fighting for, so some seem relieved to be on the island).

At any rate, a local siren comes to visit the commanding officer and offer her services as a prostitute. All but one of the men take her up on it.

As a caveat, there’s some nudity and lurid sexual behavior in the movie. But the redeeming factor is that the one man who doesn’t sleep with her forms a deep friendship with her. In fact, he’s the first man to treat her as an actual human being. Spoiler alert: He never leaves the island and ends up marrying her.

Take what you want from that message. But the bottom line is that no one should ever be unworthy of your love - or God’s - just because they’ve committed different sins from your own.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Just out of curiosity does the Catholic Church offer preparation to dating as it does for preparation to marriage? ( I’m currently only in RCIA).

Nothing formal, no. I’m sure some people approach their priest for guidance but there’s no “how to date” class.

 

[DeniseNY]

Hyperbole alert, but would anyone think it’s not a big deal if a potential spouse had been a thief when they were younger? How about being a convicted con artist? How about if they were involved in sex with multiple partners at the same time?

I know you said this is hyperbole, but what about redemption? People can, and do, change. Particularly through the Sacraments.

 

[Peeps]

Source? Does this include married women?

I didn’t spend a lot of time looking–you can do that. But here is a CDC answer to the question about what percentage of American women are virgins. It’s dated 2014, so there may be some differences, but I’m guessing it’s still pretty close.

CDC–we all trust them, right? Think of the great job they’ve done with COVID-19!

"According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average age Americans lose their virginities (defined here as vaginal sexual intercourse) is 17.1 for both men and women. The CDC also reports that virgins make up 12.3 percent of females and 14.3 percent of males aged 20 to 24. (dated Mar 28, 2014)

 

[Lea101]

That is a fine opinion, but just because you don’t care doesn’t mean that someone else shouldn’t. We should forgive, but we cannot control every visceral reaction we have. If it’s important to someone telling them it’s not a big deal simply is a nice way of saying “grow up and get with the times.”

Hyperbole alert, but would anyone think it’s not a big deal if a potential spouse had been a thief when they were younger? How about being a convicted con artist? How about if they were involved in sex with multiple partners at the same time?

The point is that there are plenty of things that might have been forgiven in someone’s past that would give reasonable people pause

For me, it’s more about hypocrisy than anything else. Note: I’m not talking about Op specifically here

Many people who only accept virgins are generally guilty of sexual sin themselves, be it excessive porn usage or lust, that can be more harmful than someone who has had sex with a partner and has reformed. One may be turned off by a non virgin, and that can be silly and worth reflecting if he currently can’t make it a month without masturbating.

In your examples above, it would be silly of a ex convict to be against dating other ex convicts, because they’re expecting to be accepted by non convicts themselves.

It’s almost like that parable of the servant who was shown mercy when he owed money to his master, and then turned around and refused to do the same for another person who owed him.

Anyway, that aside, I don’t think your analogy is all that helpful here (with all due respect).

It doesn’t make sense to say “X isn’t a big deal? What if it’s Y (a more extreme example) instead?”

One would just need to explain how the issue that’s currently being discussed is a big deal. And I believe many posters are saying the virginity of a person is simply not a good indicator of the quality of spouse they would be. For example, Leah Darrow has been open about her sexual history before marriage. Immodest, broken, and had sex with a boyfriend. But now, she’s a pretty prominent face in the Catholic sphere, a mother of a large family and is actively working to strengthen the faith of many women.

As OP already said that the girl in question is a practicing Catholic, it’s not unreasonable for us to point that out imo!

 

[Bernoulli]

I know you said this is hyperbole, but what about redemption? People can, and do, change. Particularly through the Sacraments.

Redemption doesn’t mean that they still have all options available for their vocation or are as suitable for everything. I already mentioned impediments for the priesthood. The same effect applies to secular professions: someone who committed embezzlement may not be eligible to be an accountant. They can still repent and pick up another honest job.

The difference between the marriage and the priesthood or religious life is that the marriage is supposed to be inclusive and available for the vast majority of people. That doesn’t mean that past sins don’t affect suitability for marriage, just like they do for other vocations and secular professions.