Dating a potential non-virgin

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You can fall into the sin of spiritual pride… I know I did when I was young and “pure” and “so much better” than my peers. St Paul says we should boast of NOTHING but the cross… there is far more rejoicing in heaven over a whore who repents than a self righteous person who never had sex once.
This isn’t directed at you- just a comment. And of course it is good and wonderful to remain sexually pure, but I don’t think proud is the right word.
 
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Bernoulli said:
The difference between the marriage and the priesthood or religious life is that the marriage is supposed to be inclusive and available for the vast majority of people
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There’s no guarantee of this, at all. We’ve had periods in history when a huge percentage of the pool of available men were killed in wars, so not every woman could find a husband. We’ve had situations where so many men flocked to settle a new area and there was a lack of available women, so not every man could get a wife. We’ve had epidemics and economic situations that made marriage and family difficult for people. Just because someone wants to get married, doesn’t mean it will happen.
 
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Rau said:
Or to broaden it, should either party ask the other (early in dating) about whether the other has masturbated?
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Also, as an aside, once you’re an adult the percentage of people who have literally never once masturbated is probably vanishingly small. You can probably just safely assume the answer is yes for more or less everyone.

But yeah, these are all totally legitimate things for a couple to discuss. I can see it being very important to discuss things like porn/masturbation addiction, for example. It’s just not first date conversation. You don’t get into the deep end of the pool as soon as you meet someone.
 
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Bernoulli said:
I already mentioned impediments for the priesthood.
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I can understand candidates for the priesthood being asked about murder, abortion etc. But are you saying that they are asked about previous sexual experience and if they are not virgin, they are barred from the priesthood?
 
But if it’s a deal breaker, why invest time and emotion if there’s NO WAY you’d EVER date somebody who’s masturbated or had premarital sex? Put it out there right off the bat. There are some people who won’t date someone who smokes cigarettes, does drugs, was married, has kids, isn’t tall enough, lives at home…whatever. If that reason is paramount to their getting involved with someone, discuss it right off the bat. Someone can be the best person around…would make the BEST spouse…but 10 years ago may have done this or that…has repented, has changed…but if that one thing 10 years ago is a deal breaker…and you know you’d never, ever be able to get over it…talk about it up front. It’s not fair to the other person who may have hopes for a relationship to not talk about it up front.
 
Someone can be prideful and sexually pure. It goes back to rating sins…this mortal sin is ok, but not that one. Any mortal sin can put you in hell for eternity. I dont’ think the soul who’s had premarital sex and never repented is any better off in hell than the soul who fed his pride throughout life, knowing it was wrong…
 
lwest said:
But if it’s a deal breaker, why invest time and emotion if there’s NO WAY you’d EVER date somebody who’s masturbated or had premarital sex? Put it out there right off the bat. There are some people who won’t date someone who smokes cigarettes, does drugs, was married, has kids, isn’t tall enough, lives at home…whatever. If that reason is paramount to their getting involved with someone, discuss it right off the bat. Someone can be the best person around…would make the BEST spouse…but 10 years ago may have done this or that…has repented, has changed…but if that one thing 10 years ago is a deal breaker…and you know you’d never, ever be able to get over it…talk about it up front. It’s not fair to the other person who may have hopes for a relationship to not talk about it up front.
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Problem is it just demonstrates a total lack of social awareness. If I was on a first date with someone and they started grilling me about my sexual history, it would be a dealbreaker for me. Even if we were totally on the same page about sexual ethics, I wouldn’t want to continue hanging out with someone that tactless and socially unaware.
 
And there’s that, too. I don’t agree with it, either. I’m just looking at this young man’s perspective. If it’s that big a deal to him, he should discuss it up front. I’m thinking of the poor girl who may have made mistakes in her past…or was raped…who thinks there’s a future with this guy when there wouldn’t be.
 
lwest said:
If it’s that big a deal to him, he should discuss it up front.
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Up front? If I were single and a guy brought that up to me on the first date, I’d do a spit-take with my Chardonnay. A question like that posed to someone you barely know shows a complete lack of personal and even sexual boundaries.
 
@blackforest Its funny how we are all different. I’d personally respect a guy who was upfront about his dealbreakers quickly. I think it shows respect to me , my time and shows that the guy doesn’t want to lead me on.

If he said for example, I wouldn’t like to raise someone else’s children or I’m looking for a virgin. I would not be the right woman for him so I would warmly wish him well with his request to find a spouse.
 
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If she is a faithful and good Catholic woman that’s what matters. Give her a chance and don’t question her.
 
So it’s better to lead someone on? To each their own. And that’s what’s beautiful about dating…it only has to work out once. What works for me and my husband wouldn’t work for other couples. That’s totally ok. We found each other. I hope the original poster finds someone who’s a good match for him.
 
lwest said:
But if it’s a deal breaker, why invest time and emotion if there’s NO WAY you’d EVER date somebody who’s masturbated or had premarital sex?
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I don’t agree with asking such personal questions at the start, because it’s an intimate matter. There are many people out there who have been raped or assaulted, and asking such questions are just going to make the situation awkward. Even without this, it’s still a personal question. I feel like a “are you a practicing Catholic/are you waiting till marriage” is appropriate enough at the start.

BUT I’m experiencing some dissonance here, because I feel like people with really odd dealbreakers, like you mentioned, should just tell me so I don’t waste my time catching feelings for them. They just gotta be cool with the possibility that they sound creepy and awkward, and that some women who fit their criteria would walk away.
 
That’s my thought, too. But if it’s THAT important to him…he’d rather marry a virgin who would be a crappy wife than someone who’s not a virgin who would be a great wife, that’s his business. It’s probably for the best, too. Can y ou imagine how that nonvirgin would be treated? Like 2nd hand goods. Always inferior. Never good enough. That’d be a huge cross for her to carry to be married to someone like him.
 
T432 said:
If he said for example, I wouldn’t like to raise someone else’s children or I’m looking for a virgin
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To expand on this…what would a person say if she was raped? The definition of virginity can be tricky (e.g. I have a friend who have answered something along the lines of “Weeell…uh…I technically am.” which leads to questioning about her hesitation. Also side note, she was eventually dumped because he didn’t consider her as an actual virgin and was more focused on the fact that there’s sexual contact vs chastity)

It’s more about social etiquette, i think. Body count is such a private matter and while it seems practical, it’s not polite. While I don’t care if some people choose to do this, I would hope it never becomes a social norm.
 
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You’ve gone from ad hominem attack to straw man attack. You should learn all the reasonable ways to debate.
 
How so? If you’re disagreeing with something I said, please be clear and let’s discuss it. To just throw out accusations is more akin to a Facebook thread than a discussion on a Catholic forum. Will you be calling me a ‘Karen’ next? 🙂 Let’s remember where we are here.
 
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paperwight said:
But are you saying that they are asked about previous sexual experience and if they are not virgin, they are barred from the priesthood?
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Applicants for seminary are asked about previous sexual experiences, especially in their psychological evaluations. But no, not being a virgin does not by any means automatically disqualify someone from priesthood.
 
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