Dating & age gaps... old subject, I know!

[Augustine]

Augustine said: “You’re not a mature man”

… How do you know me so well?! Just because a guy binge watches Mr. Rogers on YouTube and wears Looney Tunes pajamas…

…

Thank you everyone. I’m leaning towards attempting to open conversation just to see where it goes…

Well, I didn’t mean mature in the psychological sense, but in the physical sense. Trust me, I’m a mature man.

But, truly, do approach her by greeting her and making small talk and see how she responds. It might lead nowhere or to a cup of coffee around the corner after mass.

Good luck.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Go for it. There’s a good chance you’re at different points in your lives with different goals and interests, but why close off the possibility before finding out for sure? 24 and 35 may not be common, but it’s not skeezy.

 

[revert_jen]

Jen, I do think it is an age difference/generation gap on googling people. Yes, it is kinda creepy, but it is a sort of standard these days that you’ll look someone up online if you’re interested. I don’t think “everyone else is doing it” is an acceptable defense so I certainly take your point. I found her online by a “degrees of separation” sort of thing from within the parish with only information that was voluntarily posted by each person, if that makes any difference.

It’s not just the googling, it’s that you googled instead of asking. It argues a lack of trust that you could get the real information by just asking (as with me you couldn’t–I wouldn’t lie, but I ain’t telling ). But someone that young, you ask her for coffee, and bring the conversation around to it if she says yes. If the age gap is too large, you’re only out a cup of coffee and a little time. If she’s not interested, you find out at the “asking for coffee” stage, and avoid the whole “is she too young for me” question.

–Jen

 

[Horton]

It’s not just the googling, it’s that you googled instead of asking. It argues a lack of trust that you could get the real information by just asking (as with me you couldn’t–I wouldn’t lie, but I ain’t telling ). But someone that young, you ask her for coffee, and bring the conversation around to it if she says yes. If the age gap is too large, you’re only out a cup of coffee and a little time. If she’s not interested, you find out at the “asking for coffee” stage, and avoid the whole “is she too young for me” question.

–Jen

I’m in my 50’s and if there was a man I was interested in, the first thing I would do is google him. I don’t think it’s creepy at all. Why not utilize a source of information?

 

[nodito]

I’m in my 50’s and if there was a man I was interested in, the first thing I would do is google him. I don’t think it’s creepy at all. Why not utilize a source of information?

This exactly.

 

[SyroMalankara]

I’m probably in the minority for men, but I am 29, I’d rather date someone a decade older than me than a decade younger. The youngest I’ll go is about 3 or 4 years. This is just how I feel. That said, I have a sister in her 30s that has a boyfriend our mother’s age. That’s up to her. They seem okay together. 24, that’s even too young for me. I am a lot less strict on age than I used to me. Used to be two years up, two years down. I just prefer older women. I mean, there are exceptions, but usually not that much of a difference. I don’t know, ultimately, it is your decision. Good luck, either way.

I just don’t like the word “boyfriend/girlfriend” for anyone over 15. Sounds like a bunch kids canoodling.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I just don’t like the word “boyfriend/girlfriend” for anyone over 15. Sounds like a bunch kids canoodling.

What word do you like for that then?

 

[SyroMalankara]

What word do you like for that then?

Significant other, partner, beau/belle, companion… anything’s better than an 85 year old dating her 90 year old “boy” friend

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Significant other, partner, beau/belle, companion… anything’s better than an 85 year old dating her 90 year old “boy” friend

Most of those tend to have homosexual connotations.

I don’t mind boyfriend/girlfriend.
What I can’t stand is women who call thier female friends “girlfriend”

Like nails on a chalkboard.

Imagine if men did that. I was playing football with my boyfriends…
Lol!

 

[Rose71]

You’ll never know whether she’s right for you unless you spend more time with her and talk to her.

I’m happily married to a younger man. I did the whole ‘student’ thing and lived in shared accommodation during my 20s when I worked, but spent my leisure time socialising and doing lots of outdoor pursuits - so we were all basically big kids with ‘just enough’ money to get by and enjoy our hobbies, but no real responsibilities like mortgages, children etc. He started work for his family business aged 16 and had to grow up very fast.

When we met, we were both on the same page in our lives and both looking to make a home with someone special.

Honestly, age is just a total non-issue for us!

 

[Elena321]

I normally find age large age gaps immoral and bad for a healthy society.
People of largely different age should normally have different levels of maturity (providing they have chosen to mature properly) and a 50 year old should see a 30 something year old in a fatherly way and not in a romantic way.
In your instance though,you are talking only about roughy 10 years which could be ok providing you are both at the same place emotionally,mentally and share the same direction in life.
Also consider,if she was 10 years older than you would you consider dating her?
If yes,than you are probably reasoning well about the situation and arn’t motivated by beauty and/or youth which is what usually is the key motivating factor for people seeking a younger woman (and money,power or prestige on the older mans part).

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I just don’t like the word “boyfriend/girlfriend” for anyone over 15. Sounds like a bunch kids canoodling.

Well, I tried to call my girlfriend my “Woman” and she told me that in Mexico when a unmarried man calls his girlfriend his “Mujer” or “Woman” it means that they are having sex. I was not aware of this. I later confirmed this by asking a few other Mexicans (I am Mexican American several generations over so I do not know a lot of things like that about Mexico) So while I kind of think there should be a better word than “Boyfriend or girlfriend” I think I will stick with that because it is safe frankly. “Partner” or “significant other” does sound like a co-habitating or gay couple or something.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Hello everyone,

Google led me to an old thread on this board, so I thought I’d post myself with a similar question to get some ideas. I need some help thinking/praying through the issue.

For some time I’ve been encountering a very charming young lady at mass and adoration. She was very hard to guess for age. After some (cough) internet searching, I’ve figured out her age. She is 24. I will be 35 in a month.

Normally this is not an acceptable age gap for me, not even close. A year ago or so when I was using various dating websites I wouldn’t have dreamed of messaging someone that much younger than me, or even close. But, I’ve heard many places that the age gaps can work so long as the two people are clearly adults. She seems to be a quite mature, well oriented 24 which I guess helps.

I also have a slight distaste for large age gaps because when I was in high school I got to see an ex-girlfriend get involved with a man 17 years older who was not all there and was even dangerous. I know I am not that person, but it is something to deal with.

I’m not expecting easy answers, but maybe some thoughts (from either side) will help me decide what to do. I can pursue it, drop it, or just try and see what happens… initiate conversation and see if the “ick” factor loosens up.

Ask her out. The heck with what everyone else thinks. What matters is what she thinks. However, if she still lives with her parents what they think matters too. And to be honest, I would not be a happy father if a 30 something year old wanted to date my 24 year old daughter. Not that I have any kids but if I did. But be prepared that she might think you are way too old for her and make a big deal about that fact that a man ten years older than her asked her out.

I think researching her age online if you find a way is a good idea. I once wanted to ask a woman out but I had a lingering suspicion that she had a boyfriend. So I looked her up on face book and found out she had been with the same boyfriend for like 5 years and now she is engaged. I was so glad I found that out before I asked her out. It could have made things very awkward if I did ask her out. Not that it would be the end of the world, I have seem women who have rejected me at Mass before. But its nicer to not have that awkwardness at Mass

 

[tafan]

That’s silly. Would you abandon what could possibly be the love of your life because the numbers don’t add up???

I don’t think its that silly. It gives a good rule of thumb, which is not an absolute, but a guideline for seeing if one should start pursuing a potential relationship. And besides, the formula takes into account a factor that most of the “may parents are x years apart” type responses on this thread fail to consider: namely that the age difference varies based on the age of the two individuals. Few would think anything wrong with a 60 year old and a 45 year old starting a relationship. But a 33 year old and a 18 year old would raise a lot of eye-brows.

What is really silly is thinking that you are giving up the “love of your life” when you haven’t even been on a date. That is silly.

 

[tafan]

Significant other, partner, beau/belle, companion… anything’s better than an 85 year old dating her 90 year old “boy” friend

I have known a couple of people in their 70s who were dating and they did refer to the other as their boyfriend. It seemed quite natural and ok by me. Anything else would seem rather forced.

 

[AdamP88]

Hello everyone,

Google led me to an old thread on this board, so I thought I’d post myself with a similar question to get some ideas. I need some help thinking/praying through the issue.

For some time I’ve been encountering a very charming young lady at mass and adoration. She was very hard to guess for age. After some (cough) internet searching, I’ve figured out her age. She is 24. I will be 35 in a month.

Normally this is not an acceptable age gap for me, not even close. A year ago or so when I was using various dating websites I wouldn’t have dreamed of messaging someone that much younger than me, or even close. But, I’ve heard many places that the age gaps can work so long as the two people are clearly adults. She seems to be a quite mature, well oriented 24 which I guess helps.

I also have a slight distaste for large age gaps because when I was in high school I got to see an ex-girlfriend get involved with a man 17 years older who was not all there and was even dangerous. I know I am not that person, but it is something to deal with.

I’m not expecting easy answers, but maybe some thoughts (from either side) will help me decide what to do. I can pursue it, drop it, or just try and see what happens… initiate conversation and see if the “ick” factor loosens up.

You’re both adults and free to date. My parents had a seven year age gap. And my wife is six years younger than me. (I’m 29, she’s 23).

I think that talk of age gaps, cultural differences, and class differences etc can be off-putting…in my experience the main thing that matters in relationships is that you’re on the same page faith-wise and you both are relatively mature. I’d say get to know the lady and see how it pans out.

 

[FunkyKikuchiyo]

Thanks again everyone.

So, I spoke to her briefly after mass, and officially got her name. I didn’t get her number (yet) and it may take a few more weeks for that to happen (long story short, we both parish hop), but I could tell by the way she kinda lingered to give me a chance to approach her that at least my advances aren’t “icky” to her. I’m not sure what age I appear, but I do have a little bit of grey showing if you look close enough (I’m dirty blonde so it is hard to notice at first) and I dress well for mass, so I don’t look like a kid anymore.

From the overwhelming encouragement, I can at least proceed without feeling like I’m robbing the cradle! It may not work out, and it may not work out purely for age reasons, but I can at least proceed which is important.

Oh, and on the side conversation, I don’t care much for the terms boyfriend/girlfriend, but until a really good alternative comes around (and I don’t much like the ones out there) I don’t expect anyone to not use them. I have used the term “lady friend” in lieu of “girlfriend” before, but don’t use it always.

 

[AdamP88]

I normally find age large age gaps immoral and bad for a healthy society.
People of largely different age should normally have different levels of maturity (providing they have chosen to mature properly) and a 50 year old should see a 30 something year old in a fatherly way and not in a romantic way.
In your instance though,you are talking only about roughy 10 years which could be ok providing you are both at the same place emotionally,mentally and share the same direction in life.
Also consider,if she was 10 years older than you would you consider dating her?
If yes,than you are probably reasoning well about the situation and arn’t motivated by beauty and/or youth which is what usually is the key motivating factor for people seeking a younger woman (and money,power or prestige on the older mans part).

It’s not actually immoral though. That’s just your opinion.

 

[AdamP88]

Thanks again everyone.

So, I spoke to her briefly after mass, and officially got her name. I didn’t get her number (yet) and it may take a few more weeks for that to happen (long story short, we both parish hop), but I could tell by the way she kinda lingered to give me a chance to approach her that at least my advances aren’t “icky” to her. I’m not sure what age I appear, but I do have a little bit of grey showing if you look close enough (I’m dirty blonde so it is hard to notice at first) and I dress well for mass, so I don’t look like a kid anymore.

From the overwhelming encouragement, I can at least proceed without feeling like I’m robbing the cradle! It may not work out, and it may not work out purely for age reasons, but I can at least proceed which is important.

Oh, and on the side conversation, I don’t care much for the terms boyfriend/girlfriend, but until a really good alternative comes around (and I don’t much like the ones out there) I don’t expect anyone to not use them. I have used the term “lady friend” in lieu of “girlfriend” before, but don’t use it always.

Excellent!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thanks again everyone.

So, I spoke to her briefly after mass, and officially got her name. I didn’t get her number (yet) and it may take a few more weeks for that to happen (long story short, we both parish hop), but I could tell by the way she kinda lingered to give me a chance to approach her that at least my advances aren’t “icky” to her. I’m not sure what age I appear, but I do have a little bit of grey showing if you look close enough (I’m dirty blonde so it is hard to notice at first) and I dress well for mass, so I don’t look like a kid anymore.

From the overwhelming encouragement, I can at least proceed without feeling like I’m robbing the cradle! It may not work out, and it may not work out purely for age reasons, but I can at least proceed which is important.

Oh, and on the side conversation, I don’t care much for the terms boyfriend/girlfriend, but until a really good alternative comes around (and I don’t much like the ones out there) I don’t expect anyone to not use them. I have used the term “lady friend” in lieu of “girlfriend” before, but don’t use it always.

Great! Keep us updated!

Ps
Ladyfriend is what people in the nursing home would use!!!